Turning Tavern IV - Down Bi the riverside, near the well of loneliness...

[NotForProfit]

Hi all,

thought i'd be proactive and start a new thread for the wenches of the turning tavern as the old thread's pretty much full...

for anyone new to this, it's a thread for women suddenly finding themselves attracted to another woman, so grab a glass of something intoxicating, pull up a chair by the fireside and we'll try to help one another deal with the elation, confusion and heartache of rediscovering your sexuality.

Jeez..had enough of computer already today..I mean, even if the longings are rare withing that marriage. not rare for hetero people).

hmm outmy - I still don't knowwhy didn't you try to ask around when you wre interested, as I always said that in a small town (and you having a few friends, and working) there almost sure to be someone who you mutually know. Of course it doesn't mean they would ask you to join in hteir activities if it was a shallow acquintance but maybe you could at least find out more about wiq or wher she goes at w/ends. But I still think that woman is likely to be her P, so yes, no pont now. Annoying though, constant bloody reminders when you need to cool down!

Aww I'm reading some of the stories in here and :sad:

Wish I could offer advice, but my only advice is 'hang in there' - I have a female work collegue who I fancy like mad but she married and straight, but I take my comfort on that she knows I'm Bi, has probably guessed I fancy her (or if not she must be soooo blind and stupid) but is still great friends with me. But I know how it bites.

Yes it is a pity that the weekend away is on hold but so the right thing to do. WIQ's DH wobbles are impacting on the progress of our sexual relationship but we do continue to talk, talk, talk. I have said we will need to stop if he can't handle it but its less about me & WIQ and more about him. For both of us the relationship we have with our DHs is changing. In a very positive way. The love I feel for my DH is growing as he feels unthreathened by WIQ and has a better understanding of the real bi-sexual me.

I find myself putting the breaks on smooching with WIQ a little as the weight of WIQ's expectation of me bears down. My perception is off the mark and WIQ tells me there is no expectation. Its all such new territory for everyone.

That last post didn't make much sense. I've had a few drinks with WIQ early evening and more with DH at home. I really need to go to bed.

I do find it useful to be here and put words to my feelings. I'm feeling to thinnly spread. I need to make time for me-myself-I. (oh Joan Armatrading - must listen to that on spotify tomorrow).

happytit, so how is she dealing with his wobbles? do you discuss it and give her advice based on what your dh's attotude is? or is it the case htat wiq is much more emotionally-led than you as a person and he actually has good grounds to worry?
outmy, I'm fine, I still not sure whether to ask her about that 'tea' comment. My question is, would anyone polite use the comment on lesb tea when chatting to a gay/bi woman? I mean, if she'he aer not gay themselves? I always thought i was hetero in the past. and i wouldn't at all use thisexpression to a gay/bi woman especially if she hasn't opened up to me or based on the fact that I'm jus guessing? So logic follows that she doesn't think at all that I'm gay/bi? and isn't that herself, in which case i don't want to ask her anything like this as it's pointless. Second option - she said it as a hint and wanted to see a reaction - would you this sort of thing to gauge whehter someone is gay? to me it's just not very good taste if that's hte case whereas normally she has good taste in everything she says, so to me it's not a likely option. What do you think - I don;t mean only outmy but whoever has any thoughts, as my head is swimming a bit. Generally though this is not some frantic thinking, I'm trying to detach but am quite low mood-wise.

if she/he

sorry, a few question marks instead of exclamation in the middle!

yes that's exactly what i mean, labelling and generally calling something 'lesbain' or 'gay' when it's not 'normal or proper' - last time long ago when she used the comment and i didn't know what it meant (thought it meant that lesbians drink it, so had to ask 'what do you mean') - and she said 'we call it lesbian as it's not proper tea' - I mean that's VERY offensive if she was talking to a lesbian. But she was saying it light heartedly and smiley, so i wasn't sure even then if she wanted to see my reaction or was completely oblivious. Same as my ex used to say 'gay' when something 'lacked backbone ot was 'meh'' - he was young and it was common with his friends, of course it was jocular but I bet he wouldn't use that in front of gays though!

I'm sure , outmy, you are not so high-spirited yourself! it's to be expected but still sucks.

if it wasn't for me being attracted and wondering whether she was trying to find out whether I'm bi or gay, I'd have asked 'so you mean to say that lesbians are not proper women?'!

Likea - my wiq is also weird about tea! not in as much as calling herbal tea 'lesbian' - she'd never do something like that - but in that she's very firm about having 'proper tea, not that herbal rubbish', and one time when i wasn't drinking anything but water she was like 'don't you drink tea?' as if not drinking tea was a crime! She looked puzzled when i said that yes, I do drink the stuff but just didn't fancy it at that particular moment. It's almost like proper tea is a badge of something for her... something to do with her femininity perhaps? And she was going on and on about teapots the other week

Although to me the builders brew she insists on has lots of masculine connotations... I dunno

NotFor, so how about answering my questions? when you say 'she'd never do smth like that' what do you think it says about my wiq's comments?
O do drink black tea with or without milk, but prefer milder, not builder's as I don't have sugar with it. If it's sweet then strong is best. I like darjeeling which is also noce without milk. Yes, builder's tea is not a feminine concept, though we all need it at times.

*I do

Er, I don't really have any answers, I was merely offering a point of comparison. hope that's allowed on this thread :-)

of course it's allowed but we also help each other don't we? and I need a bit of help onterpreting her. Like, do you think she'd never say it if she thought I was bi or gay?

interpreting*

not sure that's comparable anyway as there were no gay connotations in what your wiq said. that was purely about the tea and her taste for it.

thanks outmy, that 'not proper tea' comment was said when she first mentioned it, i.e. in january! it was quite early days then. This time she didn't say anything offensive to gays, just 'I have some lesb tea for you, I think you drink it..' which could be seen as much more suggestive iykwim. I think if she saidthat comment now I would definitely pucked her up on it, even though I'm not lesbian but bi-curious and only about her. But at that point I was in the first flushes and was just extrenely tongue tied and so over the moon to see her after a month's break that this wasn't first thing on my mind. when i asked about on on the htread then, most people said 'she must be oblivious about your attraction to her' - I mean oblivious to my feeling not just to how that comment sounded insulting to gay people.
I still might text, it's not a big deal as it's not a confession but i have to be in playful mood for that and I'm not now. I mean all she can say negatively, that no of course i didn't mean you wre gay, it's just an wxpression, don't htink it will affect future contact. I'd word it in a light herated way. But I agree that she may have a massive wall about gays because she is traditional and in so many ways set in her ways, even though she is quite liberal with 'dating' a few men at a time. I think she does have some feelings but as you say, would rather supress them, or she purely noticed my feelings and is flattered in some way but has no desire to respond in any active way.

Likea ? You ask how my WIQ is dealing with DH?s wobbles - we talk shit loads but I try not to compare her DH / my DH, other than acknowledge that we both have experienced positive & negative reactions from our DHs. Neither of our DHs? behaviours can be put on a pedestal or be demonized. We?re not in this for that.
I?m interested why you ask about whether my WIQ is much more emotionally-led and why that should give her DH grounds to worry. Do you think there is potential for my WIQ to ditch DH for me because of emotion, falling in love with me? Never.
Our friendship & relationship is about having EVERYTHING. It?s about no longer being monogamous; maintaining a marvellous marriage of 18 years AND having a girlfriend of 4 months. These are both emotional and sexual relationships but in different ways.