I haven't had a conversation with another adult for weeks

[LettyAshton]

I hope I'm in the right place - as this is mostly about me and not me and dh.

I have no family except for a sibling who lives abroad and has their own life.

I have no friends. Not even one. I did occasionally have lunch with an old school friend but she is Quite Important and after hearing her talk about Dave, Nick et al I wasn't surprised to receive a "if you're ever in London do get in touch" e-mail.

Dh leaves the house at 5.30am and returns about 9pm. When he's at home he's like Uncle Quentin and never leaves the study. He hasn't taken a proper holiday for several years. I booked a lunch on Travelzoo but that has languished unused for six months.

Due to dh's work and the dcs it is difficult to return to work. I have applied for a few things but not been successful.

I used to do some volunteering but I've quit as, to my shame, I had had enough of old people and bossy organisers.

Any advice or sympathy or just a pull yourself together pep talk?

Dont your DC's have friends with parents that you could socialise with occasionally?

I think this is about you and DH:

Dh leaves the house at 5.30am and returns about 9pm. When he's at home he's like Uncle Quentin and never leaves the study.

How in tarnation can either of you view this as acceptable?

No wonder you have no leisure time in which to go out and socialise.

Could you join a club or something during the day. You may well make friends that way.

Also, as old woman says, try making friends with parents of dc's friends. Invite kids' friends and their mum to tea etc.

Have you looked at mumsnet local to se what is going on in your area.

What do you enjoy doing? Maybe if you could get out to do a hobby/class/sport once a week or so that would help you to start building some friendships with people you have at least one thing in common with.

I think you may be wrong though with your first sentence - this is about you and your dh as from what you have posted he doesn't seem to be making a lot of effort in your relationship. There is nothing so lonely as being in a bad relationship where you are largely ignored and your basic human needs - for love, companionship, warmth, even a bit of decent conversation - are not met by someone who is supposed to love and care for you. It would be a start for him to take some time away from work, either holidays or by cutting down on his working day, and reconnecting with you and (presumably) the children. Have you talked to him about this at all?

Well, it's pointless trying to change dh. I have begged, lost my temper... but things never change. He's always working for start-ups (which never take flight) so take a lot of time and energy.

You need to address issues with your DH - it does not sound like you have much of a relationship or that you spend decent time with each other. If he's being Uncle Quentin then he is probably not having much of a relationship with your kids either so this also needs addressing.

You could try a different volunteering role, one that suits you better. Is there anything you are interested in? For example places like galleries, historic buildings and conservation projects are always looking for volunteers. If you like helping kids you could volunteer as a mentor or reading helper at school?

Are you willing (and happy) to stay with your DH if he carries on like this?

For some reason (there must be one!) I have never made any school-gate friends. Ds's friends' mothers all worked (he is now at secondary school) and dd's friends mothers probably see me as an ancient weirdo.

Firstly, massive sympathy. I have a
workaholic DH who drives me round the bend too. Have you tried talking to your DH about how this is affecting you? Also I'm not sure how you are so isolated. This is not a criticism but surely there are other people, neighbours, school or playgroup mums around? I had to start from scratch overseas so if you tell me a bit about your life maybe I could offer some pointers?

Cross posted a bit there... what's your town like?

OK, whereabouts in the UK are you? There HAS to be other MNers around that might be able to hook up with you or point you in the direction of places to go to socialise.

I lived in solitary confinement Egypt for 3 years. I know what it's like to be isolated, alone and trapped. We can get you out of this!

((((hugs))))

I am fed up to the back teeth with dh but he is a decent person at heart. He categorically denies that his job comes first - but I always say it was lucky the dcs were born on a Sunday or else I doubt whether he would have turned up!

I always say it was lucky the dcs were born on a Sunday or else I doubt whether he would have turned up!

That is incredibly sad.

One thing I can recommend if you can get your dh home for one night to babysit ... a wine-tasting course. I'm doing at one at the mo with a friend, but you could so easily do it on your own, it's very sociable and plenty of people do go by themselves. Nice wine, food, and grown-up conversation - plus you get tiddly, so what's not to like? Are you in or near london at all?

Your DH needs a wake up call :(

Agree, there must be some MNers in your area that can recommend groups for meeting up etc!

Oh, that I lived near London! I live in quite a monocultural place and a cultural desert.

Dh come home early one day a week? [Hollow laugh]

If he's in his study a lot, presumably he works from home?
So, he can come home early one night, put the kids to bed, then do exactly that, while you go out to a book club, wine club or some other thing you fancy doing.
Sometimes you just have to give stuff a go. Some of it will be fun, some won;t be. But if you don;t try you won't find anything. Your dh has to allow you some time to do that.

Letty, wouldn't you be happier living on your own than living with a husband like this? He would be forced to have the children at certain times which would enable you to go out. You could also then get childcare so that you could work, even if that was only part time.

Is he definitely working all that time? He's not having an affair, is he?

monocultural - it's Hampshire isn't it - come on over we're chock full of ancient weirdos !

Seriously - it is possible to find folk to chat to - do try some of the ideas here even if it seems a bit uncomfortable at first.

How old are the children? Do you drive them to school, or walk & hang around at the school gates. Our social lives were improved just by meeting people from there & arranging coffees etc.
Otherwise book a babysitter just for yourself & go our dancing or reading etc. Book groups can be great if you are in the right one, arranging other social events as well.

Dh says that between 9 and 3 I'm as free as a bird, which I am, but I am tied down from 3 onwards. I accept that, but daytime activities seem to be populated by elderly people. I enquired about the afternoon WI (having read that it was now trendy ) but the organiser said that I was very welcome but that their youngest member was 82!

Once a week I go and have a coffee and pastry in Cafe Nero but last week stupidly tears started running down my cheeks because everyone else was chatting away and I was as usual sitting like a Norman with my newspaper. What an idiot. I'm ashamed to admit this.

You should write a blog-your posts are witty! Are you interested in any crafty stuff?

Oh dear, I do feel Bad for you! If you have the days free would some kind of part-time work appeal? I am quite a shy person myself, but I always find working together is a good way of getting to know and bond with people. All my close friends are current or former colleagues.
Re: the evenings, your dh needs to understand that they are for more than just working/minding kids while your husband works. I think you are entitled to at least one a week to pursue something that interests you.

Can't you do a class of some sort? you must have a local college near by