I haven't had a conversation with another adult for weeks

[LettyAshton]

I hope I'm in the right place - as this is mostly about me and not me and dh.

I have no family except for a sibling who lives abroad and has their own life.

I have no friends. Not even one. I did occasionally have lunch with an old school friend but she is Quite Important and after hearing her talk about Dave, Nick et al I wasn't surprised to receive a "if you're ever in London do get in touch" e-mail.

Dh leaves the house at 5.30am and returns about 9pm. When he's at home he's like Uncle Quentin and never leaves the study. He hasn't taken a proper holiday for several years. I booked a lunch on Travelzoo but that has languished unused for six months.

Due to dh's work and the dcs it is difficult to return to work. I have applied for a few things but not been successful.

I used to do some volunteering but I've quit as, to my shame, I had had enough of old people and bossy organisers.

Any advice or sympathy or just a pull yourself together pep talk?

Hi there - no, no live adults yet! Thank you for asking, takeitaway, I appreciate your asking.

I think I have had so many knock-backs effort-wise that I am too afraid to join anything. Perhaps my skin is too thin but if anyone speaks sharply to me I retreat and mull it over and over.

I did speak several times to a woman at dd's swimming lessons. She told me about her life and times. Anyway, I saw her a few weeks later in Waitrose and I asked her how she was getting on. She looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, but I haven't a clue who you are." I was so embarrassed. I'm still flushing at the thought of it. She turned away from me doing that sort of rolling eye look as if I were some kind of lunatic.

Mind you, yesterday ds said I look like Tim Minchin and I fear he does have a point. I haven't moved on from 80s kohl and my hair is a bit wild.

Letty you mentioned that you were interested in WI, I have just been reading in the Saturday Guardian about 'the Soroptimist club', might be up your street.

Hi.I feel for you-I know how alien the schoolgate world.
What do you love? music/books/gardening-what have you done in the past? are there any things you could do/go with ds to at the weekend and in the school hols? adventures in London-loads on at museums etc where you might meet like minded people.
Have you looked at mumsnet local?Woman and home do meet-ups too-online friendship groups as well. Is there a trendy town near you where you might meet people? It's hard-but just one is a start.....

God, I wish I was a lonely 40 something.

I am a lonelyish 57 year old, FAR FAR too old for a youngster like you to be interested in, but I was talking to my SIL the other day (nearly same age as me) and we were both agreeing we should have kept up some sort of career.

We were SAHMs and, though I did go back to work for a bit I wasn't that great at it so left after a while, and she went back to a low skilled job for a few years but gave it up when they moved.

If you think you are bored now wait until the DCs have left home and you haven't even got school to break up the day.

I say lonelyish because I have read a whole pile of self help books over the last few years and now feel more positive about life but haven't yet found my passion, am a bit anxious that I never will find it, but right now am convincing myself that it is a matter of time. So am trying different things, furniture painting, upholstery, etc in the search for it. But all these things don't really involve mixing with other people, what does involve other people is a job, or most jobs.

So that is where you should be heading, OP, imo. What are you interested in, what can you do, what subject can you study at local college or open university which will lead to work, what can you sell online, what can you make to sell, etc etc. DON'T leave it as it gets harder as you get older.

I read something once that the way to get friends is to be a friend. You need to be more friendly, seek out the good in people, offer to help etc. You write off potentially fabulous people because they know nothing of Pepys - I wouldn't wish to be friends with someone who would judge me on knowledge rather than character.

Hi, I just wondered if you had thought about volunteering with a local Riding for the Disabled association. They are usually very keen for volunteers - you do not need to know anything about horses as most of the work is either leading the ponies (very quiet, patient animals) or walking alongside the riders helping them.

I used to be an RDA instructor and we had volunteers of all ages, backgrounds and life experiences - there was a nice socialable friendly atmosphere and working with the riders if incredibly rewarding. There were also often charity functions taking place which enabled people to get to know each other outside of the volunteering work as well.

Just a thought, I hope you feel better soon.

I havent really read all yr replies but have you thought of volunteering?? I was not in a good place when i started being a homestart volunteer but it really got me back on track.

I hope you can find some solutions soon (with homestart eg you dont have to volunteer in the holidays if you have children etc).

Just to say, it's worth trying a few activities (perhaps not all at once!). Something will fall right for you eventually, and you'll do something you'll enjoy. For it's worth, people like happy smiley people (and more likely to make friends with). Not crazy smiley but generally walking with a step of sunshine with them. It takes time to make friends ...you just have to start and Keep at it!

Hi again Letty.

Right, first of all, the woman in Waitrose, the swimming-lesson woman - gutting though it was for you, please understand that these things happen to everybody. It's hard to place someone when you meet them out of context, so don't take it to heart. But the clue was also in your post - you said that she'd 'told you about her life and times'; from which I'm assuming she didn't ask an awful lot about yours. So more than likely she's just incredibly self-centred. There are scores of people like this - they are decoys - don't waste your time worrying about them, and next time make sure you do the eye-rolling business first!

On the positive side, you're obviously not channeling the whole Tim Minchin look that much, or she would surely have remembered you....

(though I still think a trip to Boots wouldn't hurt. Ditch the kohl, for a start, buy some Frizz-Ease, maybe - just a little nod to the 21st century - nothing that would suggest you're trying to get extra work on The Only Way Is Essex)

As for that lunch thing you booked up months ago - if Mr Ashton really won't come out to play, sad though that is, just take your daughter. Make a day of it, go to the cinema or a gallery together, just enjoy it.

There are plenty of us who run business' and being self employed means leaving early and getting in late and I can sympathise with this as my OH used to farm and work so he wouldnt get in till late and this could be 7 days a week. When harvesting he would get in 1am and be gone again by 6am. Many a farmers wife can talk about just being the silent partner.

Taking into account he must have leave time? weekends - so many couples are lucky to have this time together. Surely you must have something in common to do a weekends? If not then you really are leading seperate lives.

I would also assume that you are comfortable in your lifestyle? Have great health? If so then there are no excuses.

Go to the beauticians get your makeup sorted, pop to the best hairdressers in town, be bold go for change. Join a private gym, do some classes as these are usually morning after the school run.

Why not get the children to go to an after school club once a week and collect 6pm giving you a full day to challenge yourself, get retrained, the LA run short courses too which can introduce you to something you fancy.

Why not do a coffee morning for a charity? Local churches have coffee mornings you could offer help there.

I'm usually so busy in the day too and dont get out much at all but I have to work from home too, but your lucky to have the freedom in not having any ties.

Oh, Mayisout, those sound very heartfelt words. Yes, I appreciate that time is passing and that the dcs will be gone before I know it (PANIC!). And I agree that some sort of job is probably the way forward [holds incredibly holey CV between thumb and forefinger...].

You sound very intelligent and I agree long term a job sounds like a good idea. Do you have a degree? If so, would you be interested in doing a masters of some sort? Perhaps part-time/distance learning depending on where you are. One of my best graduate students is in her mid-late forties and came to university when her children were teenagers. She'll go on to do a PhD I hope and potentially make a career of it.

You also sound a bit as if you are very sensitive to how other people behave towards you (e.g. put off by a careless remark or clumsy moment) but maybe not very good at remembering that other people feel the same way too and may be clumsy because they are feeling just as awkward or uncomfortable. I'm sure the woman in the supermarket felt horribly embarrassed when she placed you later on, for instance.

To the person saying you don't need counselling, I do agree you don't necessarily need counselling to sort out where you want to go next in life. However, you say you have no friends, and so the option to sound off to a few good friends about your worries and anxieties about making more of a life for yourself, work, your marriage (which clearly you don't want to tackle here but must be a massive source of disappointment and upset to you) isn't there. In that situation, I think talking with a counsellor might be a good option, especially as you are very down on yourself when it is obvious to us on this thread that you are a very interesting and clever lady with a lot to offer, and quite young and free enough (financially) to do it.

I also suspect that you suspect that if you started working/changing, it would rock the boat of your marriage which so far functions on you being the supporter of everyone else. It will change things if you start living your own life and dreams, you may not be there to do the cooking/cleaning/running around that everyone has come to expect.

But it is absolutely worth it, and Mayisout's post really sums up why.

Kalidasa, I was also going to suggest to the OP that she might think about an academic path. I have a great friend at work who has just completed her PhD (in her mid-fifties) and is taking up a new research job this autumn, with her husband now retired supporting her all the way. It is not unusual for mature students to do very well indeed.

Someone recommended The Introvert Advantage by Marti Lany to me, though I haven't read it yet.

There are lots of ideas here Letty, I hope you find somewhere to channel your energies. We do need friends too but they can't fill all your spare time.

hope you're feeling better OP

I'm planning a trip to hairdressers this week for a funky bob cut, nice and sleek

then beautician for some lip and eyebrow waxing.

highly recommend for a boost

then go through your wardrobe, play with your outfits and jewellery and take some time to dress yourself up a bit.

Not meaning to sound shallow, but for me, if my hair and face and clothes are sorted, I feel like I am on top of the world and can handle so much more of life

life is hard, let's face it

What is travelzoo?

[travelzoo is a site with discount holiday/restaurant offers - like Groupon]

Thanks, everyone. Today I went into the library and got an application form for casual library assistants. As I expected, for "casual" read "Saturdays" but the lady on the desk said to apply anyway, you never know, so I shall. I have to get past the notion that every rejection is personal and that everyone is pointing and laughing the minute I put my head above any parapet.

More education would be nice, but now it is sooooooooo expensive that it is really out of the question. Even OU things are ££££££££.

Ooh thanks! Will look that up.

You're right about the OU being expensive, but I still think you could find something inspiring at your local adult education centre. They often run one-off Saturday classes which can act as a taster to the longer, term-time courses.

I have a friend who has to move house (and often country) every couple of years because of her husband's job, and each time she moves she throws herself into joining whatever club or course that takes her fancy, in an effort to meet new people. It can be very hit and miss, but her thinking goes that in a room of 20 people, there may be just one who is on her wavelength, and so her mission is to find that person. I think it's worth a try.

Also Letty, do you exercise at all? If not, I think that would be a good start, in terms of putting you in a different frame of mind. If you feel stronger physically, it really helps you feel less fragile mentally. Again, I'm not suggesting you join a gym or anything as scary as that. Start small - there's a good website called 'couch potato to 5k' which is basically for complete beginners - I think it starts you out just running for a minute, then walking for a minute. If you're too shy to go it alone, see if one of your children will come with you - as payback for all the swimming lessons you've had to take them to!

And well done for seeing about working at your library. Do you have any book shops you could apply to as well? It really is best to throw as many lines out as you can, so you're not just waiting for one to bite.

I think I will do the couch to 5k thing with the dcs. Ds is carrying a few extra pounds so some action is needed there. I'll suggest it to ds when he comes home. Although the though of going running with my mother when I was 13... I'd have died .

He could always say he's training with his mate, 'Tim'

Hi.Well done on taking a risk.Could you offer to do unpaid job shadowing in the library/bookshop as a step towards work?would strengthen your cv.

Keep going-just by doing something,getting out there,you will make something happen.Good luck

I'll tell ds that!