I haven't had a conversation with another adult for weeks

[LettyAshton]

I hope I'm in the right place - as this is mostly about me and not me and dh.

I have no family except for a sibling who lives abroad and has their own life.

I have no friends. Not even one. I did occasionally have lunch with an old school friend but she is Quite Important and after hearing her talk about Dave, Nick et al I wasn't surprised to receive a "if you're ever in London do get in touch" e-mail.

Dh leaves the house at 5.30am and returns about 9pm. When he's at home he's like Uncle Quentin and never leaves the study. He hasn't taken a proper holiday for several years. I booked a lunch on Travelzoo but that has languished unused for six months.

Due to dh's work and the dcs it is difficult to return to work. I have applied for a few things but not been successful.

I used to do some volunteering but I've quit as, to my shame, I had had enough of old people and bossy organisers.

Any advice or sympathy or just a pull yourself together pep talk?

Oh that's tough. Free as a bird til 3. Hmm what is good. Something really nice and indulgent.

Whereabouts in the UK are you? There's bound to be someone around who can point you in the right direction..

How old is your dd?

If she is still in primary school, can you go in and listen to children read?
You might get chatting with other mums that way.

Also the PTA at primary and secondary school?

Do your DCs do outside school activities?
If you drop them off, can you stay and watch and chat to the other parents?

TBH I think you need to deal with the situation with your DH as this must be making you unhappy.

But just start by getting involved with school activities and starting a conversation with other parents, you might meet someone you get on well with.

Oooh - it was you in Cafe Nero !

I was the one in the corner being overly loud in a "mummy's going to teach you all about reading a menu" " arn't we having a jolly jolly time" to my three year old as she practised poking a napkin up her nose.

Flexible learning-i.e. Open University, they have tutorials once a month, keep you occupied in a subject of interest plus chance to meet new people.

Sounds like you have two issues - one what to do for friends/activities during the day and the other is about DH.

We've always found it really helpful to put some time in the diary to spend together - just DH and me - without the kids / phones etc. Some people call it "date night" - corny I know, but it does work wonders.

It only has to be an hour or two a week. Work out when is a good time. Put it in the diary and regard it as an absolute committment. If you can't manage that, do it every other week. If DH comes home late, then make it 9:30 - 10:30 - it isn't a great time, but it's still better than nothing.

You don't have to go out if you can't afford it / don't want to. But you should try to make an effort to something a little special - cook a nice meal, watch a film, just a candle on the table. Think back to all the things you used to do when you were dating and didn't have kids! Even if you do go out, sometimes just a walk (watch the sunset, or more likely at the moment, get wet in the rain).

We've found it really helps our relationship, especially when we're both busy with work and kids. We really miss it when we don't manage to make to put it in the diary.

How about an going to an exercise class/yoga/tai chi/gym. Is there anything like that near you?

I fear I would be drummed out of any class involving crafts. I am completely cack-handed.

I do feel as if I have things to offer - but I suppose friends and jobs don't come riding up to the front door. On paper I look fairly disastrous (not worked for 13 years) so I can see why no employer would touch me with a bargepole.

Theres lots of part time courses that don't involve craft though.

Whereabouts are you?
Perhaps we could help to find you something.
I can meet for coffee if you are in Berks

Dh phones me every lunchtime whilst he's out getting a sandwich. That's his quality time!

I have done the school stuff - I was a governor for some years and I do still help out. Can't say it was a rich mine of friends, though. I asked dd (8) if there is something odd about me, and she said her friend said I was old and ugly (there followed a lecture on shooting the messenger), that I use too long words when speaking to people and that I shouldn't do a false laugh. I suppose I shouldn't have asked.

Amateur dramatics-still pmsl at your posts

Second the idea of book group. You could ask at your local library. Or ask if you can put a notice up asking if anybody is interested in joining you to start one up. Or join a charity fundraising group. Or group that help old people. Like gardening or decorating. Or a local hospice or hospital.. I'm intending to do something come September which involves charity work. I agree. You are entitled to at least one evening a week to go out. Class in something your interested in.

I don't call a phone call "quality time"!

What do you like doing op?

In an ideal world, what would you like to be doing whilst DCs are at school?
Don't worry about thinking how you would do it, where, all that other stuff, just tell us what you would like to be doing for yourself with your "free time"

I remember a thread a while back where someone wasn't allowed to join the village's book group. I am afraid of book groups. They seem to be like speakeasies, run on stealthy lines and entry by recommendation only. I looked at the library one but the participants were all called Jean and Barbara and discussed Philippa Gregorys.

you say you're near london, where near London?

Right, i assume your DH isn't going to be changed over night even if you could change him, so let's put a 'to do' list together for next week.

1. get details of local adult education courses, they'll be some run in the day while your DCs are at school. Pick one. What about a language course if you don't want to do crafts? Or something DIY/useful? There will be something.

2. do you have a local library and/or museum? contact them asking if they need volunteers - you are more likely to meet like minded people than through charity shops.

3. Is there hospies near by? Also often want volunteers to just go talk to people who don't have visitors.

4. as suggested above, see about getting involved with the PTA

5. are you religious at all? Can you get involved with your church? there's a lot of work done in our church that's not all run by elderly people. Alternatively, do you have a sure start/children's centre near you? You could offer to help out. Many new mums would be glad to talk to someone who's been there/done that who isn't a bossy health visitor.

I also think the 'date night' plan for your DH is a good one, tell him you are upset and lonely and this gives him a solution, you are explaining your requirement not just complaining. If week nights are hard, then make it the first Saturday night each month.

Hmmmm, I suppose I am a bit of a loner, but would just like to have a laugh now and again.

I should try some activities once September comes, but I feel guilty spending any money on frivolities for myself and it is horribly daunting going to things alone. I start stuttering and being clumsy and attracting attention (must pull self together...)

You sound like you need structure. Again, a date night with your DH to discuss this and brain storm ideas might be good. He might surprise you if he knows how you feel, particularly if he can help you find ideas we won't think of as we don't know your area.

If he's dealing with a start up, would he need you to work - even on a voluntary basis? That might be a good way to put something on your CV, help him and get more time together and then start looking for work else where once you've got 6 months or so experience.

No, sadly not near London. I am in exile in a drab shire.

Thank you, everyone, for being so kind. I feel a bit better already. I shall get the adult education booklet and sign up for something (anything!) that starts in the autumn.

Oh, poor, poor you in your cultural desert! You are obviously WAY too good for people who read Philippa Gregory and are called 'Jean'.

OK sorry, that was a bit harsh, but IMO you are being both judgemental and whingey - not an attractive combination. Do you genuinely believe you are better than everyone else, or are you just very shy and defensive?

Pull yourself together pep talk coming: stop being passive-aggressive about your DP. And get over yourself. To me, you come across like you think you are something pretty special - underhandedly admitting that you use long words, and that you spit on book groups from your great cultural height, that you long for London (where you can have lunch with you Nick/Dave friend...)

Do you like people? Are you interested in them? Do you give them time? Come on - open your mind a bit.

good plan, you might feel better once you have plans in place.

Over the summer, are there any holiday groups your DCs are interested in? You could offer to help out on admin side etc to keep away from embarrassing DCs who don't want to be seen with you and getting some CV experience...

oh, and take your friend up on the London offer, tell DH you need a weekend away, so he has to pick a Friday or Monday he can take off work and you will be going away, he can do DCs duty for 3 days.

My local adult education college is a great place. I hope you can find something

Oh God now I feel terrible. Good luck, especially with your DP.

Where do you live? Can you indicate the rough area? When I stopped working (meltdown) I joined a pottery course and an art group. Amazingly, most people there (all ages) had had a complete breakdown or a life-disaster and we laughed our bloody heads off. One had survived a sinking ship, another's husband had killed himself, another had survived a brain tumor, I had tried to top myself..and so on and so on. And only one of us could draw too. I was shit at it. But I really looked forward to it.

The pottery group was a bit more stuffy. I made a pot, a fish and a vase then left. Am still friends with a few in the art class though.

I live in a cultural desert. But I have got this dog, right, and she has made me a few more friends - she has joined a terrier group on FB and she has over a thousand friends now . I discovered a couple of the owners live not too far from me so we meet up and walk our identical terrier dogs together. Then go for a pint.

Can you get a dog?
I am ancient too.