I haven't had a conversation with another adult for weeks

[LettyAshton]

I hope I'm in the right place - as this is mostly about me and not me and dh.

I have no family except for a sibling who lives abroad and has their own life.

I have no friends. Not even one. I did occasionally have lunch with an old school friend but she is Quite Important and after hearing her talk about Dave, Nick et al I wasn't surprised to receive a "if you're ever in London do get in touch" e-mail.

Dh leaves the house at 5.30am and returns about 9pm. When he's at home he's like Uncle Quentin and never leaves the study. He hasn't taken a proper holiday for several years. I booked a lunch on Travelzoo but that has languished unused for six months.

Due to dh's work and the dcs it is difficult to return to work. I have applied for a few things but not been successful.

I used to do some volunteering but I've quit as, to my shame, I had had enough of old people and bossy organisers.

Any advice or sympathy or just a pull yourself together pep talk?

I am sorry for you but I am also 'alone' between 9am-3pm and find there is just so much to do - I go to the gym, do lots of voluntary work (there must be something you would enjoy, perhaps you could become one of the 'bossy' organisers ), if you have been a school governor you clearly have lots of confidence and initiative, plus experience. I enjoy browsing around the charity shops; I too live in a fairly remote area but have never found it a problem finding things to do. Please don't 'write off' old people ........ they have a wealth of experience and some of my kindest and most interesting friends are 'older'. .

oh and I know what you mean about the book club at the library. OhGood that was a bit harsh! My local library club had about five members, all called Jean and all really interested only in dominating the conversation and showing off. I gave as good as I got...

but then I got the dog.

Ouch. "Judgemental and whingey" oh, dear. Yes, I do sound that way. I think I'm those as well as shy and defensive. But I really don't think I'm better than anyone else, just hopeful of finding some acquaintances who are around my age (mid 40s) as opposed to a lot older. And actually I'd like to live a bit nearer to London so I could visit some stuff occasionally, but wouldn't wish to live there again. And I'm not too impressed with Important Friend. Can do without those sort of lunches. As for the use of long words - everything's relative.

lol at the dog having over 1000 fb friends. Good work UA.

Unlikely yes it was, and I said sorry, but can you not see the difference between OP and you? You sound like an absolute blast, totally engaging with people and things, and open to lots of different stuff.

My library bookclub was amazing - v lucky, and lead by a poet, who was a freakish fund of information, and genuinely made me reconnect with poetry. Obviously, this is not the rule!

Can you give the name of your nearest town? You might find there's a few of us about (if you're anywhere near me, I'm a bit younger than you but if you promise to not talk about how your DCs all potty trained within 4 days at 18 months and how they were speaking 4 languages by 3, and how I really am failing by not using private schools, then I'd love to meet for a coffee and a conversation about something non-child related)

Oh God Letty, sorry.

Have never met you and absolutely should not judge.

I just thought that everyone had been so positive and helpful, and maybe a pep talk would also be helpful if not positive. I just read what you were saying and thought 'Take control, take control, you can do it'.

Just tell us where you are!

I agree with OhGood I'm afraid- many lovely helpful suggestions have been made here but Letty you have knocked back nearly all of them with a slightly supercilious and woe is me air.

You need to DO SOMETHING

Take action. Decide on 3 things to do and do them by the end of next week. Do it. You will feel better.

Then you can deal with DH. Does he know how you feel? Do the children pick up on how you feel? They are not little and I'm guessing they pick up vibes that things are not right. Do they comment on DH's absence? What happens at weekends?

"can you not see the difference between the OP and you?"

Hmmm, I guess that's why I am the OP; if I were an engaging personality I'd be out with gangs of mates and wouldn't be whinging.

It's not as if I haven't tried things - but whereas everyone else seems to meet fun people at activities, I'm always in the group that is composed of oddballs or, far, far worse, people who already know each other which is excruciating. (Cringes at memory of Pampered Chef evening which I made myself go to and had to sit with amiable alert expression on face for whole evening whilst others eyed me suspiciously thinking "Who is that woman?").

I've got it!!!

Take up golf. You say you are free in the day & are slightly older than other mums. Perfect!!!

You can have hour long lessons once or twice a week & graduate to actually playing. Ladies sections welcome new blood.

I never worry about people knowing each other already. Have a higher opinion of yourself.

Oh, supercilious. I shall go and get dd now.

Letty, tell us which bloody town you live in!

Don't let the 13 years not working put you off, I know several women who have found work after longer than that. Do you have any charity shops nearby where you could volunteer? Or even work in a shop - it can be very sociable.

Otherwise I advise spending too much time on MN and messaging people you like the sound of
:)

Ooooh, golf, you get to wear really fabulous clothing too!! (starts chanting 'do it, do it, do it')

Ooh yes golf. Or Fencing?

you aren't going to meet people you have stuff in common with unless you're actually doing stuff... so what do you enjoy? what might you enjoy? and what sort of people are you looking to meet (except for around 40ish)?

i'm slightly younger than you but if i was free 9-3 each day i'd do some outdoorsy volunteering stuff (forest school, conservation work, gardening even) and learn another lanuguage (or try to sort out my existing rubbish spanish) and probably go to a regular yoga class too... ime i meet people through doing stuff rather than through 'looking to meet people'.

Also: www.awaywiththekids.co.uk/family-holidays/
or similar. Leave DP at home. I have done this, so I am not being unrealistic.

Or even better, just go on your own for one long weekend. Sod everyone. I regularly do this, so am not being unrealistic.

This is your ONE CHANCE AT LIFE. Don't spend it sadly in a shire, meeping. You'll end up bitter.

Oooo, golf is a good one. Actually went to play last w'end, and I'm 36, I've never played, and I really enjoyed it. I surprised myself with that one ;)

You're lucky to get a phone call from yourdh at lunchtime, I don't get one til he's on his way home. It's crap being married to a workaholic :(

The thing is op you haven't actually said what you like doing or what you would like to do, it's a bit hard to make suggestions.

My advice?

Find something, a hobby, an interest that you enjoy and do it just because you enjoy it, not because you are desperate to meet people.

Do something for you.

Be friendly, open and let your guard down. I've had to start again making friends more times than I can count (parents moved endlessly when I was little) and it's tough, but I've always got there in the end.

The latest time I moved to a very insular area, and it's taken a combination of doing a college evening course, starting a job, parents of dc's school friends and a book club to get my social life where I want it.

Try a fitness class or start your own book club - ours got started when someone put an ad in the paper. There's some lovely, interesting people in it who I wouldn't have met in any other circumstances.

OP, you have had some good suggestions here but here is something a bit of extra help.

Why not go for some counselling? You do sound unhappy and I think unhappy people give of unhappy vibes and come across as a bit unapproachable. Of course they are not smiley either and strangers are not encouraged to strike up a conversation. It would help you with your relationship too.

I speak from personal experience here. In the last very unhappy years of my marriage I felt my life was shrinking and that I seemed to have less and less friends the unhappier I got. I started to make a bit effort to catch up with old friends who I had lost touch with. More importantly my counselling helped with my self esteem. Since my Ex left I have made loads of new friends. I am friends with neighbours I had hardly even nodded to before, I have made friends at my gym and at other activities I take part in. I find that people talk to me much more these days. I really think I give off a good aura now. That is all I can put it down to - having more of a friendly face than when I was pinched with worry lack of self esteem.

Letty
Just a quick couple of things. It is very sociable being a single parent. There are loads of groups, days out, trips, holidays, support groups where one meets a real variety of people. I'm speaking from experience. No; one doesn't necessarily meet people exactly the same but there is group camaraderie, perhaps some black humour, some support and sometimes some sociability, wine drinking and laughter.
You are effectively a single parent. Therefore I suggest you behave like one and get out there and find some other single parents to socialize with - with children, or without. PS - Enough of the old lady stuff already. I'm older than you and still have enough energy and chutzpah to enjoy life! You need to find yours again.
Finally as they say on Mumsent - leave the bastard.

spring that sounds like excellent advice. I have just picked up DD and was thinking this over in the car and was thinking along the same lines. And don't lose heart, Letty.

I'll be your friend if you like! I need to get out more.