Is there a guide to getting over someone, anywhere?

[calibri]

I have been in love with the same man for about 10 years. I worked for him, although not anymore. He had a girlfriend (later his wife), I had a string of boyfriends and then a husband. Nothing went on whilst we were married . Both our marriages went to the wall and we resumed our usual on-off thing not long after. He was initially móre keen on a relationship than me (I had no trust at all and was very disinclined to get hurt), then it briefly aligned, then I was more keen than him, although we have always remained capable of being very good friends who get on like a house on fire and have the most incredible sex. We are less good at maintaining emotional closeness. He's flaky, I don't trust him - blurgh. It's no good for me. I've been through this cycle (with him) about 10 times.

Currently, despite me having tried to end it 3 times, we are back to our usual 'friends with benefits' situation. We text pretty frequently, meet up, have a brilliant time, have great sex, then it drops off again. Doesn't take a genius to work out that the brilliant sex element suits him very well.

We are both going through messy divorces, we both have young children and careers and we live 100 miles apart. It was never going to be easy. My ex husband hates him and blames him for our marriage ending: actually, I was entirely faithful and the end was nothing to do with the OM, but I did fall back to him pretty soon after the marriage ended. OM's ex wife hates me, with more reason: there was something going on during their pre-marriage relationship (2002-2004), I thought they were going to end, because he seemed so unhappy and I couldn't imagine why he could do that and still be with me from time to time, but - hey - that speaks volumes about him. His ex discovered this after they got married. So no one can blame her for giving him absolute shit about me.

I never usually find it difficult to 'call' a situation, but I cannot bloody well get myself out of this. I think it's for the following reasons:

a) It's been over 10 years. Although we haven't ever really had a proper, functioning relationship, we have been in the background of each other's lives for a long time. We just seem able to adapt and change and carry on. I feel manipulated in some ways, but I am choosing to carry on. I could stop.

b) If I could pick any man to be with, it would be him. It irritates the hell out of me because he's so bloody flaky emotionally, but he's also funny, clever, capable, kind and I fancy the arse off him. I call it 'love' bceause it is so stupidly enduring, but I don't kid myself that it's a very healthy emotion. But - shit - if he would just be with me, I would never want anyone else. That is incredibly humiliating, because it's evidently not reciprocated.

c) He won't let me go. He always wants to resume the relationship (at the current level) and, because I basically do want to be with him more than anyone else, I end up going back.

d) I retain some hope that it might work out, one day. The current situation is very difficult, so it's tempting to blame that. But I KNOW he's fucking useless and will never be there for me. Dammit, though, he is under my skin. I don't want anyone else. I'd rather be single. I am single, really, with the occasional rations, which is why it's difficult to say no when he resumes contact after I've told him to bugger off.

e) Because of the above reasons, I never really open myself up to the opportunity of meeting anyone else.

That was so long. Thank you for reading, if you did. It's helped to write it, anyway :)

Inneedofabrandy - I totally agree! I wish I'd started this thread a year ago, you know? Shitty Pants is absolutely text book; exhibits every bloody single behaviour she identifies.

Tam - I have to say I agree with Tressy. I know it's incredibly difficult, though. But is he going to stay in your life? No. So why not start now? What do you get from keeping the useless stoned shithead around?

Does it help if I insult him? I am still FURIOUS with Shitty Pants for not paying me my money back.

I tried again last night, to be reasonable and clear. He called me back the first time (which was a bit of a shocker, but I think he assumed it was a work thing - always muddies the waters), but neither of us could talk. He said he'd call back, I then sent a text saying, "Don't want a bit chat, just want to sort out the money issue" and of course he totally ignored that and has falled off the face of the earth. Useless fucking shitbag.

The element that really messes with my head is being so useless. So - I have a plan. I will not contact him anymore. On Tuesday 24th July, I have to drive very close to his flat. I may drop in unannounced. If that doesn't happen, I am going to turn up unannounced at his office on the 14th August, which is the next time I can feasibly do it without it being a massive trek.

I run promotions at work, you see. And his branch just won £1000 in vouchers. Mmm. His staff will be quite keen to get their hands on that, do you think?

(not my style at all - but justifiable????).

Oh, I've just spotted this smiley:

Just felt like dropping a few flowers into my fellow recoverees (made up word) morning :)

I like that

Tp you all. S texted yesterday "I take it your not coming through then"

I simply texted "nope I cannot be bothered being someones booty call tbh" end of

I was going to go into detail about him being on POF constantly whilst still seeing shagging me but did not.

Oh and more day:

S has been texting, he first said

Him:I take it your not coming through with boys being away x

Me: Nah, my stitches cannot be bothered x

him: Hey hows you x

Me: Yeah fine munble jumble jumble x

HIM: On no just got flat tyre will hav to walk half way home x

Me: Oh dear you will need to get it sorted for tomorow x

Him: Just gonna have this j and go to bed thinking of you I'm horny x

Me: No reply zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Him: Yes, only only days work then birthday the awf for a week YES!! xx

Me; U lucky thing, Oh what a shame, mines are back Friday (boys) x

Him: Nothing

ME: WTF you are on the fucking dating site yet you cannot answer me, feck off

Him: WTF MY PC was left on the site I am doing house work and I refuse to apologise for checking my mail

ME: Yeah like I refuse to stop chatting with Ritchie

Him: So what you sayin then

Me: Nothing I just woke up and I'm a very bad mood (huge NON kiss)

Hmmmmm nice end to texting convos.

Tam, hope you are feeling OK and on the mend. You don't need the added stress of this guy and his horny texting.

How is everyone else, and are we keeping this thread going?

I'm struggling, have a couple of exes and some internet contacts in the background but I cannot stomach any of it and I miss him! Bugger he was so right for me but me not for him. I feel yuck and the thought of having to try with someone else is horrible. I carn't face it .

Tam - is it an option to just stop texting him?

Tressy - hello. Shitty weekend. I can feel myself relapsing. I'm not contacting him (bastard still owes me that money, too), but ... I don't know. Like you, it really pains me that he was right for me but I wasn't for him.

I went to my stepmum's last night and drank rather too much. She's utterly lovely and of course I ended up blathering all over her.

I'm lonely. That's the thing. I'm lonely. Do I want a man who treats me like he did? Of course not. Do I feel horribly, horribly alone and unloved and unloveable? Hell yes.

I was feeling better last week. Shit, how long do I have to feel like this?

Hello, all sounds very familiar - my pattern was being with men who needed me to mother them. They would leave and then pop back into my life to wash their emotional laundry. I was always trying to please them, and 'fix' them and then would end up feeling totally spent. In the end they would see me as a bloated desperado, and I would be a addict for affection.
I read 'He's just not that into you' and 'It's called a breakup because it's broken' which really helped - they are cheesy in many ways, but the use of humour and real life examples helped.
Just as I decided I was happier alone, I met someone who treats me right and have broken the mother / nest / abandonment cycle.
Hope they work for you too!

Thanks for posting, Brodicea. God, I want to be you!

I am planning on working on getting to be able to feel I am happier being alone. I've also just read 'He's Just Not that Into You' (and how I wish I'd read it a year ago) and am starting the other one. I really do want to be happy with my own company. I am a little disgusted by the way I seem to need a man to be validated.

Appreciate your post, anyway. I'm really pleased for you, too. It's great to know it's possible x

I kept thinking mine would make contact because he knows about a major thing happening in my life atm and although I wouldn't agree to see him, it would have been nice to know he did care a little . He hasn't so hopfully this will make me realise that he isn't going to now.

Saw a male friend yesterday and was nice to feel wanted although I turned him down, for various reasons. I was a little tempted so that's good news. Been chatting to a potential via internet but he seems overwhelmed by all the attention on POF so I expect nothing much will happen.

Calibri, however much I miss mine, do I want to be treated the way he was treating me, hell no. Do I want a real connection with someone, hell yes!

Tressy - oh, that must be bastard-ish. Such a double bind, isn't it? a) you have the big thing going on (I'm assuming it's not such a good thing?) and b) you are reminded just how little Mr Twatbag gives a shit. I truly hate those moments. Reminds me of the line from Friends: "I thought 'I'd just hit rock bottom. But today, it's like there's rock bottom, fifty feet of crap, then me."

Remind me: did you read 'He's Just Not That Into You'? It is very clear on that kind of behaviour and so it's been really useful for me to avoid making any excuses for behaviour (would a man who cared about me screw me over £50? No, he wouldn't).

I feel AWFUL today. Utterly, totally awful and lonely and hopeless and imagining that he's missing me and wants me back and ............ just total crap. He so isn't. And because he owes me this money, I'm going to be end up being Psychopath Woman and turning up to collect it. Gorgeous.

And then I hate myself for caring that I won't do it attractively. Pathetic.

Tressy - the thing happening in your life - are you ok?

Calibri, yes thanks, it's not a terrible thing but enough that someone who cared about you would check you were OK. He doesn't, obviously, so at least I know that now. I have a friend coming up to stay so will get out next weekend instead of sitting in alone.

I would be tempted to tell yours that you would rather right the money off but if he wants to do the decent thing, here are my bank details. Then you don't have to see him and he will be left feeling really bad [evil cackle].

Hope you cheer up soon.

I haven't read 'he's just not into you' but have read extracts and seen the film. I don't need to know how it happens when one makes the break. I have my answer to that.

From what I know about the book, he did everything to contradict how a man would act if he wasn't into me. That is why I was .

Hi ladies hope you are all well.

I have changed my sim card in my phone so have a new number.

Another guy was testing me yesterday but to be honest I cannot be bothered just now, I feel I shouldn't feel like this as at 38 I worry I will be alone and yes, that's it, I worry I will be old and alone.

I can relate to things happeneing and wanting to tell someone, anyone who will sympathise and care I guess but I have noone, so just gotta get on with it!! Moody Stuart out of picture though, so that's progress, I still have this guy on facebook mailing me each night, I know I don't feel anything for him but he is a nice guy, I suppose I hope I may grow to like him more than a friend, possibly, rather than being alone with grey hair and cats!

Hope you are all well!

Tam - yes, I get The Fear, too. It's awful, isn't it

The only way I square it with myself is to think: I am better being alone, with the freedom to please myself and do some of the stuff I want to do. I hate the way that a crap relationship takes up all your time and energy. I am tired of trying to think about why-who-whatif ... fuck it. I don't want to be a miserable, pre-occupied half parent to my children. There's no shame in being alone and making sure I'm the best parent I can be, but there is plenty wrong with being a useless bint because I'm chasing the most recent bit of cock that's come my way (I am quite harsh on myself; do you get that?? )

Tressy ... I still reckon you should read it. Want my copy? x

Also, Tam, I forgot the big thing: well done on the new SIM. DON'T GIVE THE NUMBER TO HIM!

Woo hoo to you!

Hey, thanks but you need to keep the book for next time you fall for a guy to check he really is into you . There will be a next time, difficult as that is to imagine right now. I cannot believe you will be chasing any useless cock either, we all get fooled in love, even the strongest of us.

Tam, don't give him your number, you will feel so much better if you don't

I got my money back, ladies.

I had enough of sitting here like a lemon, obsessing over it. So I popped into his office on the way to a gig last night. Had the money in my hand without having to ask.

I was bright and breezy, looked good, didn't talk about anything personal and didn't have sex with him. Plus I got my money back. AND I saw a few pictures of him from a recent event and he looked AWFUL. Portly, balding and with poor posture. Oh dear, not such a sex god anymore (although I still would, if it were based on looks alone, but let's just remember his personality for a moment ... oh, no thanks!).

So I feel better. At least, I'm not crrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyyying all bloody day.

Tressy - yes, it's a good point. I may not be ready to fly solo yet

Its Tam

Well done on £50

No number given, we were passing each other on dating site last night (I was just doing it for kicks) no conversation at all, his "hot" pic has been removed he looks ewww now, just not as hot

Well done, £50 back and you can close that chapter of your life an move on.

I actually shed a little tear last night. For my stupidity in getting taken in by an emotional immature cock face, plus feeling weird anyway.

I think it's time I got myself out and about. I need a really good night out with some non-boring female friends this weekend.

Well done, Tam - don't give that fecker your number! You are better than him! (also, how are you recovering? keep meaning to ask about your stitches etc)

Tressy - yeah, it really is time to go out. I'm sorry you were upset; it takes such a long time to heal when an ending is so unsatisfactory, doesn't it? My stepmum said something the other night that was a bit of a shocker: that, however awful it was to cope with my Dad's illness and death, it was easier than dealing with the kind of shitty semi-abuse that these kinds of relationships involve. She said she had never doubted herself for a minute, when coping with my Dad and the subsequent grief. It was terrible, but it was very clear. Before she met my Dad, she had been through a crappy relationship and said that ground her down far more than (what she called) straightforward devastating loss and grief, because it eroded her self esteem so much and changed her (temporarily, because she finally got out).

As I say, I was pretty shocked (my Dad was brilliant, and losing him was horrendous for us all), but I think I can see what she means. I really do fear that Shitty Pants has done me in once and for all; that, on some level, I will always feel that I wasn't good enough to be The One. That's certainly how I feel now. My friend is cheerleading me on all the time ("He's a portly, balding, cowardly wanker! You can do so much better! You are amazing!"), and it's lovely. I mean, she saves me from throwing myself in the river sometimes, so great is she. But there is this chilling little voice in my head, saying, "If you were so good, he'd choose you." I'm still not past wanting HIM to think those things of me.

God, I sound like my ex husband. I don't think he's over me, in that way. We had a pretty crap marriage and it's better off over, but he still wants me to want him. If I did, he'd treat me badly, but he needs ME to validate him. Just because I'm the one who has so publicly rejected him.

Man, I am in a bit of a post-high slump. You know - kind of pleased I've dealt with the money, but I neeeeeeeeeeeeed to keep busy.

Tressy, for god's sake make sure you arrange something this weekend!

No way is he getting my number! I did almost cave on the webiste and say "isn't it funny how we were friends for so long and now we don't talk" but I didn't I am aloof, I don't care if he is there.

Stitches much better now, they should have just about dissolved by now thanks

Good, good! Pleased your foof is getting better, alongside the rest of it :)