Living with a narcissist

[Abitwobblynow]

Is hard. Busy taking one day at a time whilst I work on myself and developing stability. He isn't horrible but he isn't available either.

Anyway, now that my eyes are opened, it is sad/interesting to see the mini-moments that announce his narcness, that I was so blind to before! If I see them, I can either set boundaries or self-soothe to stay calm.

Last weekend, he tells me he bought a Ferrari. *

So, phone rings (he is on a business trip). Telling me about his evening out with adoring female acolytes (he likes them best). I started telling him about two of our friends, who are having issues.

Silence, and then: well then. I must go.

I have come on so much. I used to be destroyed, now I feel vaguely sorry for him. It must be awful to be that empty.

*Don't worry. Whilst I did not cause him, cannot cure him and certainly can't control him, it went down on the list with all the other toys for misappropriation of marital assets when the time comes.

DoingIt at au pair! And at H, what a twat.

nope tbh I wouldn't have craved her, or anyone's, approval.

Just looking to love and be loved, folks - not by her or her ilk, but those whose job it was. My response is, and always has been, to get angry. angry doesn't go down well I've found but

I AM FUCKING ANGRY

Not a huge thing to ask for huh? to love and be loved. a natural human impulse, I would've thought.

Springy,

Ok, she finished her essay. Do you even know if it's any good?

I can write an essay in less than an hour. It means squat.

So, next time, let her know in a condescending, experienced tone, that rushed essays are usually rubbish. And that your essay is 100x more difficult than hers.

I have just had a student going all cocky. He was supposed to analyse three articles for one essay, but he chose two that were not on topic. He was warned about it, and then my comments to his first draft insisted that he should make it on topic. He had that smirk on his face when I talked to him and he just added some crap sentences mentioning the topic and probably thought it was enough. I gave him just a pass (a low one too).
So, he actually wrote back comments to me saying that he could not have written on the topic because his papers were not on topic.
Seriously? Really? No shit!
I stand by the grade and he can do a whole new analysis if he wants a better grade.

I love bringing these people down one peg or 10!

haha I couldn't give a flying fuck if it was good or not. it probably was good because she is extraordinarily bright - lovely for her, nothing to do with me.

I'm not too bad in the upstairs dept either but the quality of her essay is irrelevant to me. just the dawning realisation that I have a narc in the house, my fucking HOUSE.

anyway, I can feel the steel creeping into the heart as we speak....

stand back

the heart? is that freudian?

or poetic?

springy love, it's your heart; you take ownership of your heart

ooooh springy, I think whats happening is that you are recognising those people in the world who get their kicks from 'power over' others instead of power in themselves. Think of them as Power Vampires- they need to suck it from others to survive

So Frenchy is bright, capable, can get essay done? Power in person claps themselves on the back, are proud of their own intelligence, have no need to big themselves up to you. Power over person has to belittle you to ensure that you know you are beneath them in the cosmic scale.

I dont know that these people are all Narcs. I think it's like when you start driving and you watch everything on the road but as you become experienced you are able to filter what it most relevant. At the moment, you are seeing everything in terms of the power play.

doffs cap to porridge - great post

ah here's the thing, see. instinctively one knows that these people are incredibly fragile somewhere along the line. This is what stops me a bit, holds me back. It's getting the balance right ie boundaries but on the quiet a compassionate heart.... but BOUNDARIES FIRMLY IN PLACE (or you're DEAD)

it's that balance that I find hard to get right.

Ah thank you springy

I totally agree that at heart we (i.e. NarcTargets) are soft, soft, soft.
I am inspired by one of the loveliest ladies I knew (very recently deceased).
She was a complete lady; kind, never said a bad word about anyone. Totally self possessed. But very firm in her boundaries. You would never try anything on with her.

She could always afford to be kind, gentle and soft because very early on when you met her, she let you know that she would take no sh*t from anyone. So she could afford to let her guard down then.

You know that saying about iron fist in a velvet glove?
She was like a velvet fist on an iron glove, and the glove came off easily.

I find that with practice, I have got much better. And I hope to continue to improve.

velvet fist in an iron glove

grrrr

Argh I need to vent. Things are quite settled just now in terms of split but the bloody dreams are back. It's as if my subconscious wants me to have to face exp in the flesh. Had a realm downer about everything last night - prob due to the weather and being tired. I dreamt I marched to his flat in a towel to confront him about not introducing dd to random girls. In the dream he was quite reasonable. In reality he would be raging since he's not been able to approach me for nearly 4 months - the venom that must have built up by now!
When we first split I has nightmares constantly. Now they are twice a week maybe. Wish he would just fuck off!

poor you :(

sounds like you feel vulnerable and 'not well covered' (re towel). dreams can be very obvious literal re you feel you don't have much to cover you? Just a thought.

Has anything happened to trigger the dreams off again?

I get them every time some well meaning person tells me they have seen/heard from exp. my counsellor told me I need to tell people straight I dont want to hear it so I had this conversation today with a friend. She thought sometimes she has to tell me things because she thought I'd be hurt if I thought she kept it from me - I can see her point.
Just get do frustrated - exp has total privacy from me unless it's to do with dc. I don't stalk him or approach his friends etc - I don't even ask his family anything. I am
Happy for his private life, exterior to contact to be exactly that - but I feel like people don't understand that and have to keep reporting to me - even nursery do it. I know it's all v loyal I just don't like it.
I can't bear him. I tolerate the contact and we have have 3rd party handovers donuts fine really but I need v firm boundaries otherwise I'm left too vulnerable

Does anyone still live with a narcissist, or am I the only one?

H is really sulking at the moment. His take on life: I am now punishing him for his A after he has done nothing but focus on me, and I need to prove myself to him.

why are you living with him again?

Given that it has been mentioned, wasn't July the deadline?

What are you waiting for now?

It's good that nursery give you regular updates scarred, but only if it's important info about his comings and goings re DC. You do need that to keep tabs on him.

I used to get the 'oh! saw 'ex' the other day blah blah blah chitter chatter chit chat' - like I'm interested?!?! (why do people feel they have to tell you they saw him getting off a bus/on the tube/at a wedding - I'M NOT INTERESTED.) I got pretty straight to the point ('oh? did you rip his balls off?') and that put paid to that.

however, getting school/nursery to keep me updated was a nightmare. He was so charming, see, they all adored him

Sounds like you're bothered by his sulks and all, Wobbly. Remind me again how you're focusing on yourself and detached from his mind-games??

Well luckily the nursery owner wasn't born yesterday and does see through him. They know what the final
Straw was and there were legal limitations for him then. Feel v much that they are in mu side and that he is a nuisance but it still annoys me. All except one NN who has been v tetchy with me since then - well she can get over herself - she isn't going through this.

Dd missing her Dad though and it kills me. The martyr mother part of me still wonders if I did the right thing

We are living many many miles from eachother I am off to uni, and have retrained.

Next question.

We still have kids, we still have to talk to eachother, and he still sulks. Notice I didn't write that wringing my hands with anguish.

I simply repeated it back to him. 'You have focussed on me, and now I must prove myself'.

STOP REPEATING ME! etc.

But it is sad, all the same. Whilst I realise I can't get emotional blood out of a stone, it is sad, the wasteful inhumanity of it all. That in order not to face anything, they destroy everything.

You are still engaging him.
That's why you know he sulks.

Rrrr, preview!

I just wanted to discuss a dynamic.

Here is another one. When I didn't quite believe that he really was like this (it has taken a long time and a lot of pain) I would try and 'reach' him. He would then twist it, I would react and things would escalate.

I was therefore hysterical, overemotional and mad. Now I have detached, I no longer react to anything. He hates it. So, from being hysterical etc. I am now punishing and distant. He is completely hard done by in all ways.
[shakes head]
It is completely pointless to say 'what do you want?' My tongue now wouldn't even twitch to start forming the sounds.

But, you know, that is what you would ask a human being. What troubles you? What do you wish for? What would you like, what are your hopes? - And then, I am sure - there is a dialogue and a mutual goodwill and wish to connect. I am sure that is how humans would speak.

I doubt he would even begin to understand those questions. It would be fatal to ask those questions, because they would become a point of attack and blame.

I still find it sad.

I assure you I do not engage him. There is absolutely no point in engaging whatsoever.
I have also learned though, that power struggles are futile and detrimental to my future plans.

Refusing to talk to him is a power struggle. Just politely pointing that out. Polite, bland, detached communication is the way to go.

Don't bother even looking at him/it when it speaks to you. Look slightly away to another point. They are only his physical eyes. They are not windows on his soul. They have no soul. Just look over its shoulder.