Now it's my turn girls

[Midwife99]

DH is leaving. He read out a statement in couples counselling telling me he is leaving me & DCs with all the details of the financial & practical arrangements as a done deal kind of situation. He has blamed me for it all. I didn't see it coming although there have been problems. I'm totally in shock. I still love him
but what can I do? I know that life goes on but still - totally devastated. No so wise now eh midwife?

Yes but of course he has spun it that I've made him ill I'm so awful.

You know that you are not though .. it's all part of the script!!

Hang on in there xx

Midwife, its always our faults. It doesn't matter how supportive and loving we are, its painted as controlling, demanding or clingy for the purposes of showing us in a bad light and justifying the decision to act horribly towards us.

Please don't worry about what story he is spinning - you know the truth. I'm lucky that I was able to get in first to tell his family, as he said he didn't mind, but I know full well that he will have subsequently down-played his appalling behaviour and attempted to convince them I'm mad. (well, honestly who would have wanted to stay married to someone who acted that way?!)

Letting them know what he's done was a hollow victory and I now feel bad for burdening them with details of what he did, because they will still love him and nothing has changed for me. People in RL will always think there are 2 sides to every story, even though you know that yours is the only true version.

Please keep posting and hopefully some of us who have been touched by your wise and caring words can now help to return that support in whatever way we can.

x

Yes remember the script..... You are not a failure and you are not awful.

You have just been unlucky three times that is all....

Remember you are better than him do not let him drag you down. Remember detach detach detach!

I'm really sorry to hear about this, Midwife. You poor thing

They love pulling these underhand tricks - yet it's women who've got the rep for being devious and manipulative!

You must stop blaming yourself. A friend of mine, a really lovely, gentle, caring person, has recently been divorced for the second time. Both of her husbands turned out to be utter shits, the second even worse than the first. They both put her through the mill during the divorce process, too, to add insult to injury.

She said to me there must be something wrong with her for this to keep happening, but of course that's nonsense - she's just been unlucky, that's all. And that goes for you, too.

Try to keep your pecker up. There are lots of women on here who've received the benefit of your advice and concern who will be thinking of you right now xx

He's already texting trying to arrange mediation re finances & children! Who's the control freak?!!

:( you don't need to reply yet. Take your time, get your own advice, wait until you want to talk to him. He may have been the one to initiate the break but that doesn't mean it's on his terms from now on. You don't have to arrange anything while you are going through the shock and emotional fall out of the split x

He knows I have to rely on him for childcare overnight when I'm on call & weekends. He is very generous financially but still, it's all under his control. I've refused to discuss right now.

Remember, midwife, the leaver is often much further on emotionally in the split than the leavee. Especially in this case of this fuck-face who I'm not sure was ever in the relationship more than necessary to get you to accept being his emotional punchbag.

So I'm sure it is to him: Day 1 - leave. Day 2 - organise finances and children.

You don't need to be ready to discuss any of this now. Let him wait.

And remember: no texting!

Yes you're right. He had viewed a property, made an application, sent in references & his accounts all while sleeping in the same bed as me & wearing his wedding ring. He is way ahead in the journey.

Oh god - quite possibly the worst day of my life. Heard from solicitor fuckwit No 2 is taking me back to court to get his 25% share of my house despite me trying to sell since April 2011, fuckwit No3 texting all day about getting his stuff, arrangements for kids etc etc etc, toxic mother leaving 3 voicemails after I said I need some space right now saying things like "I'm going to put some cash in an envelope for DD4's birthday & post it so look out for it because I don't see you much" - her birthday is end of July!! No are you alright?!!! I really wish they'd all just bugger off! DD4 back to square 1 with trying to get her to stay in her bed & DD3 having major hormonal strops because I said what's that disgusting smell after she silently farted. The toilet flush has broken, the roof has leaked & I want the first ticket on the next lunar shuttle. Meanwhile twunt is being pampered at his parents & having his shirts ironed while he eats his tea. Grrrrrrr!

(((hugs))) and and krispy kremes... and Breathe, honey.

All things must pass and this too will soon be history.

oh dear midwife...it can only get better! Tell no3 to stop texting and to communicate by email only. I HATE my ex texting me, it seems really intrusive for some odd reason.

Ha - he has sent an email now too - just in case the texts weren't enough! If only he had paid me so much attention when he was here!

Sounds a bit like my ex...I moved out over two years ago and he still hasn't worked out that I have not answered the phone to him even once since the day I left, neither have I ever called him. I don't even have him in my contacts!

He's history, and so will yours be soon.

Let fuckwit no.2 spend his money on legal fees attempting to get 25% of nothing until the house sells.

Do you have a way of blocking fuckwit no.3's texts? If not, delete without reading and tell him that you will only respond to emails as and when you are so inclined.

Take cistern lid off toilet and use the internal mechanism to flush - or keep a bucket of water by the loo until you can get a non-emergency plumber in.

Put another bucket under the leaking roof. It may be a simple case of a slipped slate. Do you have any way of accessing the roof or do you have a helpful friendly neighbour with a long ladder?

Other than chaining them to their beds letting them run riot while you relax with a until they crash and burn, I don't have any practical suggestions to offer in respect of your dds - unless they're easily bribed with a video of their choice and the promise of their favourite fast food tomorrow.

Easy to say but not so easy to do - try not to stress, honey. Tomorrow's another day.

All quiet now. Kids chained settled into beds. Will attend to toilet tomorrow (I know how to do it but can't be bastard bothered), local roofer bloke coming to fix minor leak tomorrow, ignoring twunt 3, my solicitor & estate agent both on case of twunt 2 & both being Rottweilers assertive women will take no crap. Ignoring toxic mother, taken 2 night nurse capsules with a swig of Shiraz & off to dream of sewing prawns into curtains & accidentally destroying computer servers in what was formerly my garage & is now twunt 3's office!

Sleep well... Just about to chain DD into her bed as she won't stop bouncing on it and will not go to sleep! She is do bloody wilful! Will not do a damn thing she is told!

Well fine for ignoring all the crap. Let the Rottweilers deal with it :-)

If only local roofer bloke could drop his ladder accidentally through the garage roof so that the rain comes in...

How are you today Midwife?

I feel very shaky, forcing myself to eat so can work without collapsing. It's not the loss of a wonderful man - it's the hard & lonely times ahead & the legal & financial mess I am now in.

I know its so hard. i have lost 3 stone now in less than 3 months due to my appetite walking out when he did. I kept getting the shakes for days after he left. I forced myself to eat a banana and half a sandwich a day, and drank plenty of water, just to keep going. So just try and eat a little something and you will be ok.

It will get easier in time. I didnt believe it, but you among many others told me that it will and it is slightly easier already. Like you i am worried about the lonely times ahead and sorting out the financial side, but things always have a way of working themselves out.

Stay strong.

Oh no Midwife - not "oh no I'm so sorry it's over" because frankly, I want to build a big bonfire, chuck this miserable-sounding situation on it, then hire a bunch of midgets to prance around it singing "Ding dong, the fucker's gone" - BUT "Oh No!" because you're having a crap time and you are such a lovely person. I'm so sorry you're having a crap time.

It won't last forever.

And soon you'll feel like you've taken off a pair of lead boots, I promise.

Skye and Midwife - EAT CHOCOLATE! Seriously, you need lots of calories now (emotional stress burns energy) and the minor mood-lift won't do you any harm. If you like cocoa, drink that too, or Horlicks.

:)

Yes! And also, cake. Flapjack is good, the slow-burn oats will give you a bit of energy for longer. And the feeling of treating yourself is good.

Plus, simple things that fulfill nutitional needs, like scrambled eggs, beans on toast, that kind of thing. You deserve to be cared for, and it sucks that the carer for you IS YOU at the moment, but still: care for yourself, you are wonderful and deserve it.
[hugs and I don't care who knows it]