Now it's my turn girls

[Midwife99]

DH is leaving. He read out a statement in couples counselling telling me he is leaving me & DCs with all the details of the financial & practical arrangements as a done deal kind of situation. He has blamed me for it all. I didn't see it coming although there have been problems. I'm totally in shock. I still love him
but what can I do? I know that life goes on but still - totally devastated. No so wise now eh midwife?

I just remembered that my STBXH kissed me briefly one night when he gave me a hug and I thought it was a good sign but he dismissed it saying that he just didn't like to see me upset.

They are pathetic pricks.

I love how he thinks he has it all worked out...and you can just fit into these plans, what if he changes his plans again, do you have to fit into those too.
I am so sorry to hear this - I think he is being very selfish.
I think you must start as you mean to go on and ensure you are happy with arangements and he compromises on things you are not happy with - well you both compromise - if he thinks he can just say what, when and how now he will think he can always do that.
Good luck

He looked as if nothing has happened & we are chums. I know better than to read anything into it. He's happy because he's got his single life back & he thinks he's walking away scott free just paying his own calculation of maintenance for DD. He's happy because he's off to Nottingham next weekend & now he thinks there's nothing to stop him seeing his cousin & "falling into each others arms" again.

Well the shut should hit the fan at some point when your divorce petition goes out

Shit....

I feel a total fuck up

You did your best you can't do more than that and you can't be responsible for his actions.

You're not the fuck-up MW and you know it deep down. As a famous lady once said, there were 3 of you in that marriage, so no matter how lovely you may have been, he was not committed to your happiness while she was there in the background. You did your best with what you had available, but he didn't give you much to work with. Please don't beat yourself up any more, and direct your disappointment and anger firmly in his direction where it belongs.

People say that it takes two to make a marriage work - it really does, but it only takes one to destroy it - there was nothing you could do to prevent that, I repeat you have not fucked up!

Yes I used that same "Diana"phrase myself the other day!

Remember it was him not you!

Oh, Midwife - you sound really, really down.

You're not a fuck-up, just very unlucky. And it's all relative - if you were in Hollywood it would be considered not worth commenting on. (Just don't be tempted by Tom Cruise.)

Speaking of it all being relative, DSis knows an older couple who live together as sexual partners despite them being first cousins. In fact, I've met them. He's awful, in looks and personality, whereas she's very nice and looks like Joan Collins. I don't know what she sees in him.

DSis says unfortunately they're one of those couples who will insist on telling you about their sex lives, which makes you wonder whether they enjoy the taboo-busting.

Hope this is just a dip and that your mood lifts xx

MW - your h is cold and controlling. I have a feeling he knows exactly how to play you and push your buttons. He is the fuck up, you are far from it. Your dd might spend a few nice hours with him now and again but it's YOU she wants to come home to and cuddle up with. That's because you are a lovely, caring person who is a great mum. Now go look in the mirror and tell yourself that

Oh Midwife, I hate to see you feeling so down. Do you know what? You would be feeling just as bad (if not worse) if you posted on here he had kissed you. You don't need the mixed messages. lazarusb is completely right. x

Are there Ny good books for getting over someone? Somebody has asked on another thread (weekends)

Are there any....

I'm reading "I can mend your broken heart" by Paul McKenna. Really good so far. There's a trance cd too which you listen to to help you move on.

I feel a bit better that I have "come clean" at the gym this morning & told some of my gym buddies. Have told my team leader cos she had noticed I wasn't myself & a couple of close work friends but not ready for the avalanche of the wider workplace & acquaintances.

Small steps make all the difference, just take it as it comes. Hopefully your colleagues will support you without you even realising it. One day at a time.

Hello MW _ I've been away for a while and I'm sorry to see you've had a low weekend. Also: YOU feel like a fuck up?

Right. Cos you're the one who closed down counselling with a letter-of-dumpnation, right?
Cos you're the one who's had feelings for/affairs with other people, right?
Cos you're the one with one foot out the door for the past few months, if not years - right?
Cos you're the mean, manipulative one, right?

OH NO WAIT! that's HIM.

Fuck the fucking fucker, Midwife. There's nothing wrong with you, you're nice and normal. He's the fuckup.

Now, make sure there are no children around, and sing along to this

I told people and they have been lovely. Rely on your friends, you'll find they all want to help you and so many will have a similar story to tell. It's not you, it's him. You know that. xxx

I was very honest with my clients as they could see I wasnt myself, they could see I was losing weight fast, plus I actually cried with some of them .

They have all been fantastic and I have heard several stories about their cheating husbands/wives. I think if you are honest, people will support you and understand if you are down and tired etc.

Thanks for the book recommendation, I will pass it on.

I am so sorry to read this thread, Midwife, but you are doing amazingly well.
Don't focus on 3 divorces, think about how gorgeous and lovable you are to get 3 men to want to marry you .

I have used the PM book ICMYBH and it worked for me when nothing else did so I hope it works for you.

Blackcurrants - how did you know I LUUUUUURRRRRRVVVVE Tim Minchin!

Thanks girls - its true the support here is fab & hoping the same in RL

:) I went to see him a couple of years ago - best night EVER, one of the best concerts I've ever been to. Fortunately for us, he's not yet that big in America so it was this little 350 person venue ... just after he'd done the 02 Arena! Me and my friends did rather too many girly squeals and how brilliant he is!

Okay then, Midwife - start making plans. You're going to go and see a standup or musician you like by the end of the year. You know why? Because you CAN and you SHOULD have a life you enjoy. Your weekends shouldn't be glum. What kinds of things might you like to do in them?

Sadly the last time stbxh went out together in May it was to see Tim Minchin at our local theatre - approx 500 seats. Things were terrible between us. I loved it - he sat there with arms folded & didn't smile once. At the end I said "did you enjoy it? You don't look very happy!" he said "god do you even have to control when I smile?" & stormed off to leave me to walk home in the torrential rain on my own at 11pm at night. Kinda spoilt it! I have tickets to see Tim as Judas in JCS in Bham in October. Can't wait!