Now it's my turn girls

[Midwife99]

DH is leaving. He read out a statement in couples counselling telling me he is leaving me & DCs with all the details of the financial & practical arrangements as a done deal kind of situation. He has blamed me for it all. I didn't see it coming although there have been problems. I'm totally in shock. I still love him
but what can I do? I know that life goes on but still - totally devastated. No so wise now eh midwife?

Thanks proud.

One thing I still don't understand though which may be the lesson I need to learn - this man before we married was for 2 years so kind, so loving, so much fun, so passionate & sexually interested, so generous, so open & sharing. Within 2 weeks of marrying he was threatening to leave, within weeks was off sex & had completely withdrawn. Why? He spent the next almost 4 years telling me how unhappy he was & threatening to leave. Why did he marry me in the first place then? He'd been with me quite happily for 2 years before he did! He wanted to get married & have a baby desperately!

Midwife, I don't suppose you'll ever know the answer to that one

I think asking 'why' about men like these is totally futile. I don't think you'll ever get what goes on in the head of someone like him. I ask myself the same question over and over, but there is no reason that would ever make sense of it!

I just glimpsed a photo of myself on the wall upstairs, taken shortly after we got together, and I thought 'that girl looks so confident and full of life - what could have made him want to treat her like he did?'

There would never be an answer to that question that didn't involve the notion of something wrong in his mind. Its just so far removed from rational, normal behaviour that I don't think anyone empathetic and loving could ever grasp it.

Perhaps we should be glad that we don't understand them - it would mean that we were able to think like that and I would hope that I would never choose to demean and belittle someone who loved me for any reason whatsoever.

I'm going to get my Lundy Bancroft book out of its hiding place & read it carefully. Plus I've ordered Paul McKenna's "I can mend a broken heart with mind programming cd". Positivity is right around the corner.

Midwife, what is that b

Stupid iPhone!

What is that book called? Should I buy it?

It's called Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry & Controlling Men. I don't know if you feel that applies to your stbx or not but mine was emotionally abusive Eg I was too fat & unfeminine for sex. He wasn't a true narcissist or abuser but there were traits that it would be helpful to understand so I can move on & learn to spot the signs next time, if there is a next time!!

Midwife, he did what you wanted until he got into a position of control.
Because he knew that once you were married you would be less likely to leave him and might actually do more to keep him there.

Mine threatened to leave for the first time at te end of our honeymoon, after a stupid fight he started.

I think it's only worth trying to understand to detect early signs.
Can you go back to before you got married and identify them?

Yes I agree that's what I want to do - he also threatened to leave 2 weeks after we married because a teenager my son knew swore at him on the doorstep. Other signs, telling me he was in love with me very soon after we met, "disappearing" for a couple of weeks & not replying to texts & calls for no reason & then just turning up as if nothing had happened, using alcohol to excess to kill those demons & only saying I love you when drunk. These things happened before we married but I chose to ignore the signs I guess.

Maybe I should read it as STBXH said that I was controlling.... But thankfully my lovely counsellor is helping me to see that being organised is not being controlling... And that if he always agreed with everything said, it's very unfair to then describe me as controlling. And I was never abusive or aggressive to him.

Are there any books that will help me to avoid emotionally stunted men in future?!

I hope the book helps you to avoid another knobhead in the future!

Yes he said it was me who was controlling too but I never criticised his appearance, withdrew intimacy as a punishment, called him names, told him what a terrible personality he had, complained about his kids constantly etc etc. It was projection. On the one hand he complained his 1st wife was too disorganised & it was like having a teenage daughter, then he complained that I was too organised because I just got in with things & worked hard. He was furious quite alot about sthg or other. The thing is when we were dating I didn't know he was actually smoking quite alot of cannabis, taking MDMA powder & ecstasy at times (hence the disappearances for days) as well as drinking huge amounts of alcohol. After we married & I was pregnant of course he couldn't do that anymore to escape. So I was blamed for trapping him with his uncomfortable feelings. He admitted he was self medicating for years. While we were married he took st johns wort & Kalms by the bucket load, earlier this year started asking if I thought he had mental health problems. The second to last counselling session she started asking about his childhood, then bam, he left. Maybe I'm just making excuses so I don't have to look at my own behaviour but I know I'm not a bully, or abusive.

I'm looking at my behaviour too and I know that a part of me likes to be in control but I'm not controlling. I never told him what to wear or anything. I did like control of the sky box lol.

I know I can be untidy and lazy at timed but so could he. I'd say lets tidy up together and he would always want a drink or read the paper or anything to put off actually doing it! Then I got the blame for everything being in a mess. My counsellor is making me see that he was responsible for his own actions and reactions.

It sounds like your X had to grow up fast when married to you and didn't like it... I know people that used to do all that stuff but gave it up once kids came along.

Its all projection MW. Its what they do isn't it. Takes the heat off their own behaviour if they can turn it around on you.

You know exactly what he is and you know that whatever he has said about you was just cruel and hurtful, to justify his own behaviour. The drugs and alcohol have probably addled his brain, so whatever he has thought or said about you should be totally disregarded for that reason alone. Boo hoo that you didn't let him continue to be a druggy dad, how unfair.

I'm sure my H thought I was controlling for trying to insist he spend time with his DCs and me on his rare weekends off, rather than letting him use all his free time to go off on his own running or pottering in the garage, or hiding in the office.

He can see that as me being selfish, wanting to tie him down etc. but I know full well that I was trying to get him to see how important his involvement was to us all, so that the DCs had the family life they deserved.

Now I've given up trying, all of a sudden he 'gets it' - just so contrary and immature really. They all just sound like lost little boys who have never accepted the responsibility of family life and don't see why they should have to man-up and be an adult. Mid-life crisis is such a joke, but it seems to be happening all around us.

That's it exactly Doingit - my H spent almost every night hiding in his office working or studying, went to his house in Spain on his own "to pay the annual IBI tax" at least 6 times a year, went to see friends in London & Bristol on his own regularly, went to his parents' with DSD without the rest of us most sundays, worked 50 hours a week plus did a part time OU degree inc study weeks away which used up most of his holiday & yet when I wanted him to spend more quality time with me I was controlling him & stopping him doing what he wanted, ie bullying him. Apparently I made him sideline all his interests & own life. Interesting that he chose to start an OU degree when we were expecting a baby! Interesting that when he broke his ankle it was my fault he had to defer 2 modules. When he had the broken ankle I dropped him & 2 kids off in 3 different places every morning before work & picked them all up after work for 8 weeks & managed everything house & child wise on my own & youngest DD was only 1. But because one night I wouldn't go straight back out after all of that to buy him beer he took his wedding ring off, told me it was over & slept out in the office for a week after hobbling to One Stop on his crutches for an 8 pack! Apparently I was cruel & abusive. We were finally getting towards the nitty gritty in counselling when he fled.

My H said that I never wanted to be at home, that I always wanted to be out. Now he spends every Sunday running the roads with DD while I spend the day at home. He spends Saturdays shopping with his friends so he is never home now! Not that he really has a home.... He wanted to be free to work evenings and weekends and whenever he wanted......

Why are these men such stupid arseholes?!!

MW you sound wonderful and he sounds like a total prick! Hold your head up high and remember it was you holding everything together.

So he left to avoid admitting his own failings/weaknesses/controlling behaviour/abusiveness.

Reading the '10 things you love about your DH' thread, there are plenty of men out there who positively love spending time with their families, who appreciate the work their DW does around the home (& out of it) and enjoy taking care of her and making her feel loved and appreciated.

These are not our failings, we didn't expect something impossible or unreasonable, we just wanted a normal loving family life, but the men we chose were incapable of stepping up and actually being a husband or a dad, for whatever reason.

Yes the trouble is they are very skilled at making the outside world believe it is our fault. They appear so wonderful to own their friends & families. Eg at DD4's christening he made a little speech in front of his & my parents about what a wonderful mother & beautiful wife I am & thank you for giving him this lovely baby. My best friend nearly choked on her tea - she knew I'd just found out about his affair with his cousin during the first few months of our relationship & that they were continuing to send each other inappropriate texts & how he refused to have sex with me!

Makes it so much worse that he knew and understood how to 'be seen' as a loving husband, but actually 'living' that life wasn't necessary to him.

He believes that's how he was all the time. He believes he was a model husband. He believes it was all me. I "made him" do those things. I "made him" have to hide from me.

Well, he tells YOU that he was a model husband and you were the devil incarnate etc. but he must realise somewhere in the dark cold caverns of his soul that he wasn't, even he can't be that deluded! Its like a young child blaming someone else, anyone, for what they did. They try to shift the blame but that doesn't mean that they honestly believe it.

oh honey, that sounds awful (and very familiar!) All I can say is that when someone is pathologically incapable of taking responsibility for their own part in their problems, all they have to look forwards to is more of the same shit. After all if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.

Your H and mine will probably go on to have more relationships where they are 'victims' of 'cruel and abusive' women. Because they can't see their own behaviour is what gets them where they are. We on the other hand, can be humble enough to look at our own shit, decide what we want to work on and what we are ok with, do something about our self esteem and our bad habits... pick ourselves up and move on to a better place and partner because we're not going to be tied to our old mistakes or blaming everyone else under the sun.

Try to feel sorry for him, he's emotionally stunted. You're not - you're fab :) many happier times are waiting for you X

Midwife - I don't think the affair with the cousin was ever really over. It might have stopped being a regular thing, but at the very least it was an EA, at worst an occasional get together, right throughout your marriage, and him threatening to leave 2 weeks after you were married is also directly related to her reaction to your wedding.

A few weeks ago you mentioned a 'toxic mother'. Could that be linked with you choosing such crap men?