Now it's my turn girls

[Midwife99]

DH is leaving. He read out a statement in couples counselling telling me he is leaving me & DCs with all the details of the financial & practical arrangements as a done deal kind of situation. He has blamed me for it all. I didn't see it coming although there have been problems. I'm totally in shock. I still love him
but what can I do? I know that life goes on but still - totally devastated. No so wise now eh midwife?

Another example of recent avoidance of blame just popped into my head! This one will make you larf!! A few weeks ago I got into bed at 10pm one night to find the whole bed & mattress soaked with milk that had leaked from a baby bottle that had been left on his side of the bed under the duvet with the lid off & had leaked all day. He had got DD ready that morning. I called him to see it & help me strip the bed & get mattress topper off & he said I had planted it there myself to invent a reason to bollock him & he stormed off! I hadn't even raised my voice!

Anyway yes the affair was probably bubbling along the whole time even if it was only emotionally.

My parents are fairly toxic hence my choice of men possibly. They were very neglectful & emotionally cold & were totally wrapped up in their own lives, not including my brother & I in anything really. I want to work through this more before I get involved with another man.

Definitely work through it more. It might be why you have become involved with emotionally neglectful men.

Yes true

Course that's easier said than done. First you have to deal with fuckwits No 2 and 3 first!

The thought of fuckwit 4 fills me with horror! No way!

Oh god, twunt3 brought DD home at 5.15. She's been screaming hysterically for Daddy for the last 4 hours & finally fallen asleep but those horrible occasional sobs. How can he just go off & have a happy life knowing what he's doing to her? She's always been a Daddy's girl & he's breaking her heart. What damage will this have?

Midwife, painful as it is to hear her cry, I think you're asking the wrong question.
Instead look at your partner-choices, look at your parental role models and ask yourself: what damage would it do to her, to stay with a man as cruel, thoughtless and feckless as he is?

I think you can see already that it's a lot of damage. You are saving her from growing up as you did. You are giving her a whole new chance at life - not just you, her too!

I felt exactly the same about my STBXH after he walked. It affected DD so much she slept in my bed a few nights just for security to make sure that I was still there. She was in tears all the time she turned from a happy smiley child into a crying wreck and I hate the bastard for doing that to her. Trouble us they don't get to see all this shit do they? they take them to the park and McDonald's and dump them back again..,

. She gradually got better and now seems back to normal 3 months later. She talks about him all the time though and role plays with her tots about missing him. she was such a daddy's girl, he gave her breakfast every morning, he put her to bed every night, he took her to the park. She loved him and he idolised her.

I will never understand how he could walk out on her and I will never forgive him for that.

I just keep reassuring her that we both love her and that I am here for her no matter what.

Just remember that twunt 3 will be the loser in the end as you will be much closer to her.

I phoned him because she wanted to speak to him & it went to voicemail. He texted - "I didn't feel the need to send you a voicemail of DD crying but I know how you operate after 5 years so not surprised you sent me one".

Wanker. Hope you ignored it.

Right - need to take my own advice & detach. Even re kids. He is without shame.

MW - I had the same thing, DD wanted to speak to H after he left in the early days and then she would be crying , going daddy I miss you, when are you coming home and I got accused of doing it to make him feel bad. But i didnt know what she was going to say, I wasnt coaching her!

Ive just blown my own detachment big time!!! I hate him!!!!!!!!

As I said on my own thread - they are without shame. DD's distress is us being callous & controlling.

My ex repeatedly accused me of 'brainwashing' ds to tell him he missed him etc. They are a contradiction - on the one hand this amazing parent, so much better than we are, on the other they can't deal with the emotions that young children experience when the relationship breaks down. The weirdest thing in my case was I left the relationship, not him, so what was I supposed to be brainwashing ds about?!

This morning he texted to ask how DD is now. I replied I'm really worried about her. She howled for you from 515-930 last night, woke at 630am & immediately started crying for him again. I said I was going to ask HV's advice & see about family support or sthg to help me help her to cope as shes so distressed about him leaving her. He replied I'm overreacting & she's just got a bit of a cold. Oh the denial!!

Midwife - your poor DD!

I'd be tempted to txt him back with 'If you don't want to know the truth then don't bother asking. I'm not going to sugar coat things to make you feel better.'

I told my STBXH how upset our DD was when he left, getting into my bed in the middle of the night, being insecure, asking when he would be back, but it was like talking to stone. He distanced himself so it didn't affect him.

My dad was heartbroken to see her crying at the slightest little thing. She is happy now though.

Oooh I bet his ears have been burning today. Everyone I know well who has asked me directly why twunt & I have separated have been told of his affair with his cousin (among other things). Not going to tell his parents or her husband but one day the jungle drums may get that far (90 miles) you never know! Have been a very good girl & not engaged with him or any of his friends or family but come on karma - do your stuff!!

well done. I did similar, told his niece about all the texting, knowing that she would tell her mum, who would tell his mum dont know if it worked, but it felt good at the time

Ok AF & Co Help me!!! Right, my job involves nights on call & weekends as twunt knows. We have DD together but my older DD is not his but he's basically brought her up since she was 2 because her useless fucker father only sees her at his convenience now & then. As you know he fucked off recently without notice. He has generously offered to look after either just his DD at his parents if I'm in call or working the weekend or both DDs in my house. My eldest DS aged 20 is away on hols & due to go to Uni in Sept anyway. So last night I was on call & he picked both DDs up, I left a key under the mat & got home purposely late from work at 715pm. Ignored twunt & his stuff strewn all over the kitchen & dining room. He slept in the sofa thus spreading his stuff over the living room too. This morning, he ignored DDs, I got them up & thought he was giving his DD breakfast & went to use the shower. She came howling ip the stairs to outside the bathroom door so I came out in a towel dripping to find her in her pjs. Went downstairs - he is in utility room behind a closed door shaving & splashing water all over the floor washing his goolies armpits, having ironed his shirt etc. I made DD4 & DD3 some breakfast dripping in my towel & went to get dressed muttering my displeasure. Went to get dressed & get some clothes for DD4 & on my return twunt is grabbing DD4 off her chair in dining room (she hasn't eaten anything) & trying to stuff her in her clothes which she is resisting & howling so he can take her to nursery. I'm standing there & he shouts "Can you give me a bit of privacy please?!!!" IT'S MY HOUSE!! Err no I say, scoop DD4 up & take her upstairs to dress her. Take her into bathroom to brush her teeth & he is shouting "Midwife - I'm going to be late, you can take her. I don't see why I should be treated like this when I'm doing you a favour". By this time it's too late for me to take DD4 to nursery & get DD3 to school on time & get to work! And off he fucks. I have sent a text saying I don't want him in my house again. Im working this weekend of course. Now he's gone from fury saying why should I look after your offspring (DD3) anyway to now saying he will keep them out all day & stay in a family room in a travel lodge. Oh God what do I bloody do? Beg friends to have DD3 & tell him to take DD4 to his parents? Go off sick? Let him stay? Let him subject DDs to a weekend in a travel lodge

Ask friends for this weekend but see a solicitor and see if you can get something formalised quick. At the moment he is pulling all your strings. Doing YOU a favour?! What a bastard. I feel so sorry both for you and your dd3 - he is treating you both like an inconvenience. I would make it clear to him that if he isn't prepared to look after dd3 you will have to cut your hours which will have financial implications for you both. However, long term I think you need to explore every childcare option you can...sorry, probably not a great deal of help!

Thank fuck my wonderful 20 year old darling son is returning early from his silent meditation retreat (I know but he's a chip off the old block - I go to India every year to do a 10 day fast - or at least I did before exit of twunt) so he will gladly look after his best buddy DD3. But he's off travelling in August & then Uni in September so I need to plan long term. Seeing solicitor tomorrow for advice.

I'd like to say that he should be having both of them overnight at his parents or even a travel lodge, but if he's going to make DD3 feel uncomfortable or not wanted then maybe its best not to inflict it on her

How old is your older DD and how often are your night shifts? Does she have a close friend with whom she could stay sometimes, so that little DD becomes totally H's responsibility on your night shifts.

If DD3 were my DD's friend I'd definitely be happy to help out one or two nights a week if I could, especially if it were just temporary, but even as a longer term thing if it was the only way you could manage it.

He can't just keep coming into your home and treating it/you like that. In the absence of any better ideas you will have to ask to rearrange your shifts because you can't just magic up child care out of nowhere and if its a choice between you not being able to work at all, or not being able to work nights they'll have to choose the latter.

What a twunt! Give him privacy? Next time he says that just lock him in a cupboard and he can have all the private time he needs

Men! They really don't have a clue about organising kids do they?!!

Tempting! Grrrr!