Is it possible to get past this

[Orkward]

I feel very confused at the moment. My dh is generally supportive and respectful and fine - but recently he forced me to have sex with him. It's never happened before and it was sudden and unexpected. He claims it wasn't what I say it was and that I could have stopped it if I'd wanted to, he thinks I made it into something it isn't but I can't seem to get past it. We've been together for a long time. I feel very confused about it all now.

And to go back to something you said earlier, if he genuinely DOESN'T think what he's done is wrong that doesn't take away the problem, it actually makes it worse. There are two options basically:

1. He knows that what he's done is [word] and is desperately hoping you don't make a fuss or get him into trouble for having acted so violently towards you. If you don't, he may well do it again because he obviously wanted to do it, planned it and got something out of it (feel sick just writing that, sorry) and hasn't had to pay any kind of price.

2. He thinks that what he's done isn't [word] but is a normal part of married sexual life. In which case, he will probably do it again because, well, why wouldn't he? It's his prerogative.

OP you say your husband doesn't shout or threaten, yet you are afraid of him. Why is that?

Just some of the time, not often. In the past he's lost his temper, thrown things around. I can't explain.

How are you feeling tonight, Orkward?

On the edge of panic tbh. I'm reading and thinking about it all. I don't really know what I wanted to hear, not this - but I am thinking about what everyone has said.

Losing your temper and throwing things around is abusive behaviour Orkward. It's abusive because he uses his aggression to scare you and it works because it has trained you to go along with whatever he wants in order not to upset him. Just because he doesn't lose his temper now doesn't mean he's not abusive - it just means that he's beaten you down enough that he doesn't have to use that tactic any more in order to control you.

You should never be afraid of your partner Orkward.

You probably wanted to hear "oh it's normal and all men act like this but it's fiiiine" - did you? Or did you want something else?

I think probably what you really want is just to feel safe in your own home and marriage again. But sadly that's what none of us can give you :(

It's not fair by the way, it's not fair that he gets to do what he has done and stroll around without a care in the world. How has his behaviour been since?

I don't know what I wanted to hear. Maybe that things could be ok. That it could be a one off and I could sort it out. I know that doesn't even make sense.

Since - things have been a bit weird as I've been unwell and not doing all the stuff I usually do - getting back to normal physically but getting worse in how i feel about things. He wasn't very nice when i was ill and i think that made me really stop and think about things. Lately though he's being fine, nice, I don't really talk much to him atm, we are going along like things are fine but we're not really relating to each other normally. No idea what normal might be right now.

Orkward this is just so familiar to me. Everything about it. Really awful. please don't minimise this. Sexually abusive men pose an increased risk to you. Don't know what to say to you, it's all a bit too close.

You're going to be up and down Orkward. There's lots of phases.

Totally different situation, but for a short while after not so DP cheated, I kind of carried on as if nothing happened, then a week or two later, it kind of sunk in, questioned everything, got mad. You've tried denial. Of course you wanted it to be a one off and to get past it - you want the old, the familiar - your old life.

But you are probably learning that's not possible. It's a harsh reality to face. We're all here for you.

FWIW, there is no normal. You've been assaulted by your husband. That isn't normal. Just do what you can to get by. Be kind to yourself.

I've posted this before on other threads but I find it helpful about rape trauma syndrome and ptsd

I'm really sorry this has happened to you.

I have a close friend who was raped by her husband when he was high on cocaine. It took her about three weeks to tell anyone and then she came to speak to me late and drunk one night and it came out. I knew her ex pretty well and had always got on really well with him and was shocked. He said to her he'd been so out of it he couldn't remember anything and couldn't believe what she was saying was true.

I'm going to say to you what I said to her then. You are not going insane, this did happen. It is not kinky physical sex but rape by the person you need to trust to keep you safe. If you stay with him it might never happen again but you will always be wondering whether it will.

The only thing you have power over in this situation is to make sure it doesn't happen again. If this was a family friend would you be alone with them again? No. The fact it is your husband makes it WORSE than if it was a stranger as he is supposed to protect you from harm.

You need to leave. Not tomorrow or next week, but now. Go to your parents or your best friend. Yes he might be a lovely man and they may be shocked (I was) but remember they know you too and that you would never make anything like this up.

My friend did split up from ExH and said to most people he'd become violent while drunk. That was a way of not revealing the full extent but explaining she didn't feel safe. It's taken a lot of counselling but she is now getting there. She had a new fella and has gone back to uni which has given her a real boost..

You will get there too,but you really do need to take the first step and protect yourself. Really thinking about you Orkward.

Hi Orkward, so sorry this has happened to you and as a rape survivor I know the turning in circles.

I believe you, I can't add much to what has already been said. He sounds very much like a classic abuser and I'd suggest contacting women's aid, they are a great help and will be there for you, emotionally and practically.

You can get over this, you can get away.

Rowanhart that's true, even if it doesn't happen again, I don't know if I will stop wondering if it will or waiting for it to happen.

I do find it really hard to think of it in these terms and these words, it doesn't sound real, not my life.

Give it time. You know it is real deep down which is why you are posting here. You can know it is real without having to acknowledge it. Xxx

I'll be around late tonight, Orkward, if you want someone to chat to. About any old rubbish, really (apart from football. I am a football ignoramous).

You're not alone.

Hope you are ok. Understand if you don't want to come back right now but we'll be here when you do. Xxx

Because this happened, it changes lots of things - so what would have been normal affection a few months ago feels uncomfortable and unpleasant. Because of being ill and having pain, sex not been an issue but it is now and I am so wound up about it. DC going away tonight and wondering if I should try and find somewhere to for the night or if that's over reacting and it will be fine.

Thank you offred x

You must stop questioning whether you are overreacting. This is just your mind trying to keep itself safe by denying there is a problem. If you let it, it will almost certainly be at the expense of your body and further emotional/mental trauma. But that said it is of the utmost importance that you take your own time dealing with this in the way you feel able. I think some space for some perspective in a safe place would be an excellent idea and you don't have to think of it as an acknowledgement, just some space to think.

I think staying somewhere else tonight would be a great idea. You don't have to frame it as a big deal to anyone, just say I'll be staying at x's house. Is there somewhere you can go? Friends or family or b&b?

Yes try and find somewhere else to go tonight. You're not over reacting. It won't be fine if you stay with a rapist. It will be fine if you get away from him.

Could you ask him to move out to give you some space?

All friends have families and children so it will seem a bit odd without a reason, to ask to stay, am thinking about who would be best to ask. H planning to cook a meal and get wine, am trying to supress dread. It's hard not to minimise as i think that if i just change the way i think about it all and stop obsessing about it then it will be ok.