Is it possible to get past this

[Orkward]

I feel very confused at the moment. My dh is generally supportive and respectful and fine - but recently he forced me to have sex with him. It's never happened before and it was sudden and unexpected. He claims it wasn't what I say it was and that I could have stopped it if I'd wanted to, he thinks I made it into something it isn't but I can't seem to get past it. We've been together for a long time. I feel very confused about it all now.

Sorry that probably makes no sense. What I mean is - he is trying to play mind games with you to make out that you were in the wrong. Please don't let him fool you, even though you really want to fool yourself too that everything is fine. You know deep down that it isn't, that's why you are still thinking about it and feeling awful. It would be nice to forget it and never have it happen again. Sadly, you probably won't forget it or lose the fear you now have until you are away from him. And horribly, he may well feel able to do it again if you remain.

How bloody awful for you. And it makes it even worse that he is trying to make you doubt yourself. Actually, that really is sickening.

Really, deep down in your heart of hearts, you know you are right about this and you know what happened.

The fact that you have tried to discuss it with him and he has reacted in the way he has tells you all you need to know about whether this is the type of loving relationship you want to be part of for the rest of your life. No? Thought not. Best to act now and get out than have years and years of this type of abuse.

HIS REACTION, BY THE WAY IS FURTHER ABUSE.

So sorry, but you need to deal with this now and leave this relationship.

So he's been sexually abusive before and has now progressed to actually raping you. I am so sorry, OP. the way you describe how he's been pushy and angry and you've given in for an easy life are sexually abusive. That wasn't enough for him and now he is escalating. You need to be clear that it IS the word you dread and that you must act. For your DC, as much as yourself. Living in a home where their mother is abused in this vile way will ruin their lives. They might not see or know the details, but they will know something is wrong and nasty and scary.

What you all say makes sense but then he will come home, play with the children, be nice and pleasant and warm to everyone - it doesn't match up with the idea of abuse. I know what happened was bad, it was frightening and horrible and it doesn't match up. He can be really difficult sometimes it's not always easy at all - but it's so hard to get it straight. Sorry I probably sound like a broken record now.

I can't imagine friends and family believing me, they never, ever see anything bad, just nice, committed, loving father and husband. They would think I was mad to walk out or make him leave and without the certainty in my own mind i don't feel able.

But it seems very ridiculous to say to myself 'i'll just wait and see if it happens again and then I'll know for sure'.

oxfordbags - i've never seen it in those terms before at all - previously I mean - not as abusive, tbh i thought it might just be normal. It's not all the time, it's not been violent or bullying, just pushy or a bit controlling. I've been with this person since i was very young, i think my perspective is a bit messed up.

Orkward - you sound lovely but deeply in denial about what your husband has been doing to you.

Please don't hang around just to make sure that yes, he did indeed rape you. Please.

I think Oxford is right Orkward. A partner should never pressure you do anything sexual, and you should never feel coerced in any way. It does sound, as Oxford said, that he has escalated from abusing you in subtler ways to all-out rape. The danger is that he will escalate even further.

I know it's so so hard to think about leaving. You don't have to make any firm decisions about that now. Just focus on yourself and be kind to yourself. Allow yourself a chance to get your head around this, without pressure.

"he will come home, play with the children, be nice and pleasant and warm to everyone - it doesn't match up with the idea of abuse."

It matches perfectly with the idea of abuse.

Abusers are not abusive all the time. They have periods of being super nice.

Otherwise they wouldn't get away with the abuse.

He doesn't have to be a horrible person to be a rapist. The guy who raped me is well liked by everyone and I doubt if any of his friends would believe me if I told them what he did. He is kind, friendly, funny, caring. He helped me through some really hard times. But when it comes down to it he has a totally fucked up idea about sex. And he did rape me. And he tried to minimise it too. No man wants to admit they raped someone.

You deserve so much better than this.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you.

I think he sounds like a classic abuser actually - controlling undertones, setting you on edge with his 'resentful' behaviour, but in a subtle way. And a charmer / 'great with the kids' etc - likeable a lot of the time...until he switches.

The worst thing is the denial. He cannot and will not acknowledge that he hurt and frightened you. He isn't a good person.

It's all been complicated by him having a chronic illness - for a long time I have explained away certain things as being symptomatic of illness and therefore not his fault, and that he'd get better with support and with time. I just don't know what is what, I can't separate out the strands.

Why do you want to separate out the strands?

To understand what is abusive and what isn't, what is real, how I got here, if my perspective is just messed up, what is me and what isn't, what is his mental health, what is his personality.

It's kind of shocking to be told that I'm in denial about the other stuff, I don't know what I think about that. Friend has made me see a lot of things differently too, it just takes a while to sink in.

Abusive behaviour is any behaviour whose only purpose is to get an advantage over you, in order to put you in your place or make you feel bad. In normal relationships, couples fight, and complain but it's always on an equal footing, so both partners have a say and both partners listen to each other and take each other's viewpoints on board. Loving partners don't set out to hurt one another, or bring things up in arguments in order to score points or cause hurt and upset. They respect each other's personal space and right to say no to any aspect of sex. They don't shout in each other's faces or call each other names. Loving partners enhance each others' lives and make the other person feel good about themselves and about life in general.

Your husband is most definitely abusive Orkward.

It will take you time to work through all your feelings from this. Go easy on yourself.

How are you doing?

Usually, he listens to me, usually I do most of the talking infact. He doesn't shout in my face or threaten me. This is why it's so confusing. I would say that I'm more controlling with day to day stuff - what we're doing, where we're going, the children, plans etc.

Before this happened, i wasn't scared, more wary, in case he lost control and lost his temper so always try to avoid that happening and prevent it if possible. This was different, I would never imagine this could happen. The controlling stuff - i suppose I am so used to it it's just been how things are.

What made you wary? Why were you afraid of him losing control and losing his temper?

Because it's scary when someone loses it. I'm a bit worried about saying too much on public board incase it outs me in rl as family on mn.

I'd recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. I agree with the others that he is abusive, and you were raped.

OP this man is dangerous, he has proved that. What happened really did happen.

Please don't hang around to see if it happens again. You're worth so much more than that.

Decent loving husbands do not rape their wives. End of.

I'm very worried for you. I hope you can call womens aid, I think it would really help you.

We are all here for you.

I hope I didn't upset you, but you do need to see it for what it is. Sadly, so many of here had already guessed what you have further opened up about; that he has been sexually pushy and demanding (abusive), can be controlling, you walk on eggshells to prevent him from losing his temper, etc., etc. Why would we know this in advance? Because it is all classic Abuser stuff; it's like these men are working from a script. What's also part of their script is making sure everyone outside the relationship thinks he is a wonderful, caring guy and the best dad ever. And of course he is nice sometimes - if he was just awful every day, you would never have got with him or stayed with him. It's part of the brainwashing, because the nice times serve to make you confused and wonder if you're imagining it, being over-sensitive, unreasonable, weird, etc. But you can't be in a relationship where it's only okay if everything is going his way and making him feel superior.

Also, the letting you make the day to day decisions and control all that stuff are not signs that he isn't controlling; it's either laziness or thinking that domestic plans are women's work and therefore beneath him. It's symptomatic of a sexual abuser, IMO.

As for his illness, well, I am disabled due to long term health problems and in chronic, daily pain and I have never been nasty, controlling, raped or abused anyone. It's just not an excuse, full stop.

BTW, the most important thing you need to know is that it doesn't matter what anyone else in RL thinks. YOU know he raped you, YOU know he has destroyed the relationship forever with his abuse and above all - I hope - YOU know you deserve so much better than this. I also bet that when you leave him ( please make it when), people will start opening up about their dislike of him and suspicions. Men like that can't fool everybody all of the time. And no-one who loves you could ever want you to stay with a man who would rape you... and announce his attention to rape you, at that

Orkward the reason you're finding it more difficult to actually accept what's happened is because of the nature in which he chose to be violent towards you. Had he said; 'I'm going to beat you black and blue' or 'I'm going to give you a good kicking' before laying into you, you'd be finding it harder to accept his 'mr nice' act now due to the physical memory, bruises etc.

But sex no matter how unwanted, to someone you're already married to feels slightly less like a 'real' manifestation of abuse. And more difficult for you to separate the strands so to speak and start justifying it all.

You have been wrongly abused. At the very very least your husband has shown great selfishness and callousness. Somehow, you need to get it across to him, or better still go away to a place of safety where you can think.

Lots of hugs

With my female friends and family, if any were to open up to me about their OH being abusive, I would believe them. Not because I dislike their partners (many are my friends too) or suspect them, but because women don't usually lie about abuse. There's nothing to gain from doing so. The idea that women lie about this stuff a lot is a pernicious lie in itself, put about to discredit women so that they get criticism and suspicion instead of the love and support that they need :(

With a couple of them, I wouldn't actually be very surprised as I've always had a bad feeling about them and the interaction between them BUT of course I would never mention this (none of my business) unless they brought up a problem.

So don't assume that no-one will believe you. People will. We do.