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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it possible to get past this

341 replies

Orkward · 15/06/2012 12:06

I feel very confused at the moment. My dh is generally supportive and respectful and fine - but recently he forced me to have sex with him. It's never happened before and it was sudden and unexpected. He claims it wasn't what I say it was and that I could have stopped it if I'd wanted to, he thinks I made it into something it isn't but I can't seem to get past it. We've been together for a long time. I feel very confused about it all now.

OP posts:
Offred · 16/06/2012 10:20

Orkward - changing your mind about how you think of it is a very normal coping mechanism but it will not change what has happened objectively speaking and you will have to deal with it at some point later. You cannot avoid it forever. Think I was reading somewhere the mean is 16 years if you don't deal with it now. This for me is certainly true. I'm just dealing now with some things that happened to me when I was 11/12 onwards and I'm 28 now.

AThingInYourLife · 16/06/2012 10:44

I think finding somewhere else to stay is a very good idea.

Don't worry about it looking odd.

Who will ask least questions of your friends?

Original poster
Orkward · 16/06/2012 10:54

Sorry to hear you had so much to cope with offred

Just had text back from friend - she's away this weekend. I think i'm just panicking because he's obviously assuming things about tonight. I'm imagining the worst case scenario all the time but it doesn't mean that it will be like that regardless of what's happened. If I'm here I just need to decide how to handle it.

OP posts:
OlympicMarathonNCer · 16/06/2012 10:58

Orkward, can you go to a b+b, hotel, your parents and because I don't think you'll be safe tonight women's aid.

It's so difficult to think you're having to deal with this but women's aid really will help and give practical support.

Original poster
Orkward · 16/06/2012 11:50

No, I will be safe, I can't find a friend who is available tonight but it will be fine, it's just reading it back to myself in these terms making it seem more urgent but if i calm down a bit, it isn't, it will be fine honestly, I'm sure. Just got to keep breathing and pull myself together a bit and remember that it has been fine lately. I'm not just minimising, I know i have to deal with this, I just feel totally paralysed right now, I need to gather myself a bit.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 16/06/2012 12:03

I think you should leave the house tonight, if only to give yourself some headspace. Why not a b and b?

If you're going to stay keep your phone with you and don't hesitate to call the police if you ever feel any bit unsafe.

OlympicMarathonNCer · 16/06/2012 12:05

Orkward, I know.

If anything makes you uncomfortable tonight, just as a safety precaution, can you make a safe place, ie a locked bathroom, easy access to a car and put women's aid/police numbers on your phone, just incase. Hopefully you won't need them but if anything happens you have them to hand.

SparkyTGD · 16/06/2012 12:08

Sorry don't have much advice, Orkward, just wanted to post that if any of my friends were feeling like you are I would absolutely support them without question and would hope that they would be able to get in touch.

Hope you manage to get some support.

MooncupGoddess · 16/06/2012 12:15

I can see it's tempting to go along with his plan for dinner and wine, because telling him you don't want that and are going away for the night would make what happened 'real'. But it is real already, and putting on a show will take a massive toll on you in the longer term.

It is an awful situation and not your fault in any way.(You do know that, don't you?)

OlympicMarathonNCer · 16/06/2012 12:24

I'm just wondering how Orkward would explain going away for the night when the "d"h has made plans?

A possible reason could be a friend is ill and you have to go and visit?

itsthequietones · 16/06/2012 12:27

Do you have any more friends you could stay with. You don't have to explain anything to them if you don't want to, I'm sure they'd understand.

I'm concerned about you because you are so vulnerable at the moment, you say that you're panicking because he's assuming things about tonight - you need to be safe and I don't think that you are.

Original poster
Orkward · 16/06/2012 13:22

mooncupgoddess, no, not really, I seem to need ot be told that 10 times a day, and it doesn't make it more believable.

No I'll stay because it's too complicated to find somewhere and because it might actually be for the best - maybe I will find the courage to actually confront this and talk about it - my fear is that i'll just go along with things to make it easier and to avoid a situation - so I want to actually try dealing with it and communicating with him instead of just being mute about it.

OP posts:
MooncupGoddess · 16/06/2012 13:31

Good luck, Orkward. He sounds like an overbearing character who will no doubt try everything in his arsenal to convince you (and himself) that he's in the right, so maybe worth thinking through how you will react if this happens (e.g. be prepared to disengage and walk off if necessary).

And remember, everyone here believes you.

CailinDana · 16/06/2012 13:34

I am worried about you confronting him Orkward, not because I think he will be violent but because I think he has the huge potential to hurt you even further with his words and his attitude.

Be honest, are you hoping he'll admit to what he did and apologise?
What would you do if he did do that?

Abitwobblynow · 16/06/2012 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CailinDana · 16/06/2012 13:43

Abitwobbly are you for real? The man raped her. Do you seriously think she should go to counselling with her rapist? Do you seriously think she should wait to be raped AGAIN before leaving?

doggiemumma · 16/06/2012 13:45

So what will happen tonight when you are uptight after he has gone to all the effort of making you dinner, buying winie and having a nice evening (well, thats how he will see it you see), when he wants sex? Do you think you could have sex with this man and enjoy it? Will you say no? Or will you let him have sex with you because you are scared that he will force you? Or will you have sex with him so that he doesn't have to force you and therefore you can say to us, and yourself - last night everything was fine, we had a lovely evening, ended up making love? That is what i m really scared of for you.

I will always try and see both sides of these things and have been flammed for that in the past as rape is a very very serious accusation, but i have no question in my mind I BELIEVE YOU.

What do you WANT to happen tonight? If you really can't bear being there - can you not stay in a travel lodge?

Maybe you should talk to him and say that you feel under pressure, that last time upset you and you don't want to have sex tonight? his reaction could be a good guage of if its safe to stay? I think this man is dangerous though, im scared he will hurt you.

doggiemumma · 16/06/2012 13:48

Ohhh, he was watching porn ( i didnt read that) well that makes all the difference then, what was the poor sod supposd to do?? Abitwobbly are you mad???

OxfordBags · 16/06/2012 13:50

You must never, ever have joint counselling when there has been abuse in the relationship. It's the most basic rule. Just doing so minimises how unacceptable it is. Abuse signals the death of everything a decent relationship should be, not a way to reignite it. OP, I think counselling for you on your own would be a good idea, but not with your DH. If he cared about your feelings and needs or you both being equal in the relationship, he wouldn't have raped you, or been controlling, sexually pushy, etc., in the past.

I feel worried about you for tonight. The problem with trying to talk things through with him is that you are a nice, normal, reasonable, respectful person and he is an abuser. There can be no productive dialogue between you on this because a) only one of you is normal so you aren't on the same page of reality and about how you treat people and b) most importantly - there can be no productive dialogue about him raping you that doesn't end in you leaving him as a bare minimum.

OxfordBags · 16/06/2012 13:52

BTW, a 'romantic' sexy evening will just become his reasoning that he can't have raped you because he is so romantic and seductive and thoughtful, blahblah and also, why would you have romantic sex with someone you believed has raped you? I wouldn't be surprised if he's deliberately planning this evening precisely for the reasons I've suggested.

Offred · 16/06/2012 13:56

Orkward I really think you have nothing to gain from confronting him right now. All that will happen is he will respond in a way designed to break you back down. You absolutely cannot communicate your way out of this with him. What he did he did calculatingly and deliberately and in anger. You don't have a relationship with him, you will have to grieve for that loss but there really is nothing you can do to bring this back now. You can minimise it, you can keep quiet and hope it will get better/pretend it hasn't happened but it will never get better. This man has decided he is justified in deliberately violating you in a calculating way when he is fully aware you do not consent. There really is no relationship left after that.

NotGeoffVader · 16/06/2012 13:56

Orkward - only you can ultimately decide what to do, but the situation you are in doesn't sound great. I've recently been speaking to another poster about abuse issues and like you, she is trying to rationalise the situation, and somehow seems to feel that she is accountable for the situation.

I think you need to make sure you have a backup, as Olympic says - that way, if things feel really wrong, or you feel in danger, you can get out.

Please come back to the thread and let us know...

AThingInYourLife · 16/06/2012 14:02

I'm quite worried about you Orkward.

The thought of you alone in the house with him when he clearly has designs on you tonight is chilling my blood.

Is there really nowhere else you could go?

Rowanhart · 16/06/2012 14:03

The longer you stay the more you will excuse and rationalise what happened.

No one can make this decision for you, and it seems you are already thinking of reasons you can't leave, but it sounds like its out if fear of change...

But I really hope you do as this is your and your kids life. They deserve a happy and confident mum who isn't frightened in her own home. You deserve it too. Please don't stay around for tonight.

Offred · 16/06/2012 14:14

I don't think it is fear of change. It is fear of what is happening. Trying to pretend that it hasn't happened is a very natural self-protective response. It helps protect you from the sheer panic and utter pain of your experience until you are ready and able to deal with it.

What I am concerned about, because I read up on it in women's aid, is that it is sexual abusers who are likely to kill you or drive you to suicide. The absolute worst thing to do right now is to confront him. You owe him nothing, you don't have a relationship. The only thing you can do is to make yourself safe and you will have to do it eventually even if right now you can't.

Please consider calling women's aid, rape crisis or the police.