Is it possible to get past this

[Orkward]

I feel very confused at the moment. My dh is generally supportive and respectful and fine - but recently he forced me to have sex with him. It's never happened before and it was sudden and unexpected. He claims it wasn't what I say it was and that I could have stopped it if I'd wanted to, he thinks I made it into something it isn't but I can't seem to get past it. We've been together for a long time. I feel very confused about it all now.

He told me he was going to have sex with me, he told me in a horrible angry way. I was cross and told him that he can't just tell me that - what if I didn't want to. He said 'I don't care'. I didn't believe him, I went and had a bath. Please don't quote this back to me - I know it's bad. It's taking me the longest time to process it all, I know I'm being slow. Talking to my friend on email helped me to face it, I thought talking on here would be a step closer to saying it out loud to someone. Maybe it is but it's very scary.

Ah Orkward darling please be gentle with yourself, this is horrible for you and none of it is your fault or because of anything you did or didn't do.

Have a cuppa and maybe step outside and get a breath of air.

And, in case it still needs saying, I believe you.

Sex isn't about anger, saying he was angry is utter bullshit. What a bastard.

You know why it's normal and everyday now, don't you? Because he's biding his time until he does it again. By staying and doing nothing, you're showing him that he can get away with it. That's not me blaming you, not for a second, just explaining the mind of a domestic rapist. He will do it again, everything will be normal and he will 'explain' it, and you will start doubting and blaming yourself and the gaps between rapes will get smaller and smaller...

Sweetheart, your marriage is over. This man RAPED you. He has ended the marriage by carrying out a disgusting crime against you. There is not one excuse on earth for what he did. If you stay, you are giving permission to be abused again and making your children grow up with a sexual criminal.

If I sound harsh, it's because you're wanting it to not be what it is and wanting it to all go away, but if you do that, it will happen again. And even if it doesn't, this man is an abuser and a rapist and not fit to be a spouse or father. The coolness and casualness of his reaction and excuses is chilling. There's no remorse, no embarrassment, no sympathy. He got what he wanted which was to make you feel scared and inferior and to make himself feel superior. Not the sex; rape is about an inadequate loser making themselves feel better through hurting another. I feel so sorry for you, you must be in pieces, but now is the time to act, not freeze.

You're not being slow.

It can take a while to process something like this.

Take whatever time you need.

And FWIW I believe you.

This is exactly the same as what happened to me with xp. The sequence of events, everything. At the time I couldn't see the wood for the trees but now I realise he had been sexually, emotionally, psychologically and financially abusing me for a long time. I got pregnant. Maybe if you can't face confronting it as an actual event i.e. saying "I was raped" you could get more general help from women's aid. However rape crisis do not require you say the words, god knows I know how difficult that is, saying those words even on an internet forum of strangers, you could just phone rape crisis or women's aid and talk about how you are feeling without actually confronting it head on. I do think you need to leave.

Oh love I couldn't read and not post. Please do not blame yourself this isn't because of anything you did or didn't do and you are in no way to blame. He violated you, there is no excuse or reasoning for that. Be gentle with yourself and take as much time as you need to think and breathe. Sometimes all you can do is keep breathing. Do you have somewhere you can go and be safe if you need to?

Just want to add if you need to hear it that I believe you.

I have found this so helpful

It is normal to find this hard to process Orkward, take your time. Just be aware that you don't have to make excuses for him or feel like you were to blame. Whatever else is going on in your marriage your husband has absolutely no right to rape you, ever. No matter what.

I am so sorry your husband raped you, Orkward - there's no getting away from it - he raped you, and he's not sorry. He's dismissing what happened - which is not the action of a kind loving partner, as mentioned above - but I am listening, and I believe you.

Take your time, be kind to yourself, and keep on breathing deeply.

If you would like to talk more about what happened or how you feel, there are people here who will listen.

Oh sweetheart, I want to give you the biggest cuddle ever in the whole world and repeat over and over again to you that one million percent, this is not your fault.

God every time you write that word I feel a lurching sickness and can't breathe. I don't want it to be that. If it wasn't that, then I wouldn't feel so bad would I? I feel like a fraud sometimes like I have no right to have these feelings I'm just being ridiculous and obsessing about something that i've got totally wrong, that he is loving and nice and he wouldn't do that and it's my problem, I'm being over dramatic, or hysterical, or wrong, or foolish, but mostly that I'm creating problems myself. I don't want to break up my family, I don't want to think that of him, I don't want it to be the case or to have to worry that it could happen again. I have to do school run now and i'm a snotty mess.

You poor thing.
Has your husband showed remorse or distress that you gave told him it felt forced? Or has he been quite matter if fact about it? Has he apologised?

I'm so sorry, you must be in shock. I can't understand what your husband was thinking. Why did he suddenly switch like this? Has he EVER been sexually aggressive in bed before or into restraining you etc? Is it possible he's been exposing himself to online porn? Any new shifty male friends he's picked up?

I know he's denied seeing things from your perspective but I think you must talk to him about it again very forcefully. You cannot carry on with this inner turmoil. Either that or phone Womens Aid or please go to a friends.

You poor lamb :(

The earlier poster was right, sadly. If he had genuinely meant to have normal sex with you, and you had (for some reason) felt scared and forced - and I'm IN NO WAY saying this is what happened or looking at the circumstances in this case, it's hypothetical - he would have been beside himself with worry and apologies and guilt. I mean, wouldn't you?

He is actually telling you some truth, amongst all the crap. He did this to you because he was angry with you. He did it to hurt and punish you. And to make himself feel like in this one way he could be "better" i.e. stronger than you. It wasn't "sex", it was him using his body as a weapon against yours.

I'm so sorry he chose to do that to you. Of COURSE you wish he hadn't, but he did.

It isn't you who has done it and if it helps you can think of it simply in terms of "what has happened" you can take it step by step in absorbing the information if you need to, just bit by bit.

Orkward, something very similar happened to me once with a bf who I loved very very much. It took me over 6 yrs to simply accept that it wasn't right and a lot longer to see it in a defined way, ie the word that I won't mention.

I would like you to consider that maybe his actions were used as a punishment, a way to 'teach you a lesson' sexual control is about power and control, not sexual need or instinct!

He was punishing you for not giving him the attention he felt he deserved! He was controlling the situation to have power over you. He ignored your wishes and dominated you in a very disrespectful way.

A more appropriate way to handle this would be for him to simply talk to you about it.

You do not deserve this (no person ever does) he has chosen to 'take' you without your consent. You reacted in a very normal way of just getting on with it and praying it stops and never happens again.

Your feelings are real because you have experienced a horrible situation. I ask you not to try and ignore them but ask for help to work through it.

You poor love. It's bad enough that it happened, but that it sounds to have also been premeditated by him is pretty chilling. Please seek some professional help to allow you to process what's happened, and talk through your options.

Thinking of you. Be kind to yourself, don't underestimate the impact of the shock and trauma you are experiencing as a direct result of his behaviour. This is entirely his doing - not yours, not in any way.

Darling, you said No. He did it anyway.

There is no excuse for his behaviour.

I'm so sorry.

You're not overreacting. You have every right to feel shaken and hurt by what happened.

Him acting normal doesn't mean you've "misunderstood" what happened. I was raped by an acquaintance; the next day he bought me breakfast and gave me a lift home so I thought he must be a nice normal person and I must have misinterpreted the situation.

That was 12 years ago and I've just been put on the waiting list for counselling for PTSD.

Please don't minimise your feelings or try to bury them. Don't do what I did. Please.

sparklyredshoes - he has been pushy before - or kind of resentful, so i go along with stuff because it's easier. Not all the time at all, just sometimes, when he's going through a phase of being angry a lot. Sometimes that's felt unpleasant but this was different.

I don't really know what changed for it to go further. We didn't talk about it at first but then when we did he was upset but adamant that he was in some way justified. I did manage to just not think about it for a little while but then I have been really ill lately - maybe it made me feel more vulnerable and it's hit me that I can't trust him or rely on him and I feel unsafe. I'm arguing with myself all the time about whether i'm right to feel that way or not which is just making everything spiral around in my head.

Yes it felt premeditated as he told me he was going to do it, I just didn't believe him.

hopkinette - I'm sorry that happened

It's hard to accept that someone is supposed to love you could be so nasty Orkward, it's not wonder you're questioning yourself. Just please don't push this to the back of your mind or minimise it because there is a big chance that it could happen again. Your instinct that you are not safe is dead on - you need to get away from this man because he has shown that he absolutely cannot be trusted. It will take time to get the point where you are ready to leave but in the meantime don't convince yourself that it wasn't so bad and that you can handle it. This sort of thing can wear you down to nothing if you don't deal with it. Don't let him do that to you as well.

I'm not at all surprised you feel unsafe. If your partner had said "I'm going to punch you" and then done it you would feel scared in your own home, and this is only different in so far as it is even worse :(

It's horrible especially if you are already feeling vulnerable too.

of COURSE you are right to feel that way, there is no wrong way to feel. He is trying to fool you into thinking that there is a difference between "you feel you were forced" and "you were forced" - well, there isn't. It's you that it happened to isn't it? If someone held a gun to your head and forced you to do something, and it later turned out that it was a fake, that wouldn't mean you had been any less forced would it?