Is it possible to get past this

[Orkward]

I feel very confused at the moment. My dh is generally supportive and respectful and fine - but recently he forced me to have sex with him. It's never happened before and it was sudden and unexpected. He claims it wasn't what I say it was and that I could have stopped it if I'd wanted to, he thinks I made it into something it isn't but I can't seem to get past it. We've been together for a long time. I feel very confused about it all now.

Well done Orkward that's great news!

Good news but scary at the same time. How are you feeling?

Brilliant Orkward, well bloody done.

Really horrible and hard phone call to make but you did it!

Having a backwards day today. Need reminding that going forwards with this is the right thing.

It's all much more out in the open now which in some ways feels worse, he realises that it's serious and can't stay the same, the impulse to just stop and try and put it all back is really big sometimes. Just a pattern of trying to manage him and his reactions I suppose, the atmosphere is too intimidating.

It must be very hard with him being still so much a part of your everyday life, very surreal :(

How are you?

Update to this thread if anyone remembers it, and to try to remind myself how things have changed.

In some ways I'm going forward. I have had first counselling session at a rape crisis place, which was very hard and I came away feeling quite confused. There's a 3 month waiting list, but she'll see me again next week.

Saw a domestic abuse outreach worker. Was able to tell her lots of things and it all made sense at the time, she showed me materials that made me feel very sure that what i've been experiencing is abuse.

Afterwards I tend to fly backwards and doubt everything again. See him and feel guilty and disloyal and uncertain and think that I'm going mad.

He's still here and is acting very normally at the moment, being fine, but we're not together. He seems relaxed and happy, unlike usual. This is increasing my anxiety for some reason. He knows I'd like him to go, and we're still looking for places for him to move out to. Getting very desperate for some space so next step to look at different housing options.

This is a real step forward orkward! What you describe is (again I know I keep saying this) a very normal response to what is going on. His apparent kindness is probably making you so anxious because it is confusing and actually quite cold as a response to what is going on. It may also be like you are waiting for him to be "bad" and that he is not is confusing you and making you doubt yourself. It is a psychological torture really.

I'm so easily confused and wrongfooted atm.
I just read a thread about midlife crisis with a list in the OP of how to make your partner crazy and decided that it's ME, that's what's wrong with me, I must be having some kind of selfish midlife crisis, I fit the first few - monstrification of my partner, emotional detachment, confusion and bafflement etc etc. It's a constant battle to bring myself back round or keep myself steady and sure.

Nope, that's not you. The rape counselling are taking you seriously and the things you read which are carefully thought out and planned information to give to people who are being abused rang true, this does not compare to a random person's personal opinion about their behaviour that they have written on a forum for credibility. It is normal to doubt because it is an awful thing, it would be so wonderful if it wasn't true. You have told your story to other people and are involved with support services and are passing (stupid but no better way to put it) all kinds of objective tests. It can be really hard to trust yourself and your feelings and I know sometimes feels you are being ripped in two.

And no it may not be deliberate torture of you on his part, it doesn't need to be. Objectively he has been doing a lot of very nasty and abusive things to you for a long time and to be going on as normal being happy and kind is an exceptionally abnormal reaction to having done those things.

You've done the right thing hun, counselling will help. I experienced a similar thing when I was much younger, blamed myself, stayed and as a result have been incredibly damaged and still suffer daily over 15 years later. You are dealing with it at the time (rather than bottling it up and blaming yourself) and that will help. I know what you are going through but please remember, every time you doubt yourself/your version of the event, the important thing is how it made you feel.

I don't really trust my feelings sparklekitty, that's the problem. Or my reactions. I'm forcing myself to do the things that I think I should do, but they make me feel worse and more of a fraud each time. The different versions of who he is just can't make sense in my head so it seems that it must be me. I've been saying this so much lately, I'm just desperate for a bit of clarity in my own mind and to be able to trust myself.

I felt exactly like that too. I think at some point you realise that there are no different versions of him that he is being him all the time and that he is abusive but honestly that was about a year after the relationship ended for me. You are doing well, king through the motions is the right thing to do.

Hello Orkward....I just wanted to say that it seems quite normal to feel a fraud when you have suffered abusive behaviour. However dreadful it actually is, there is always someone who is suffering more than you are: and their case may appear more clear cut, whereas your own story feels full of doubts.

Also, whoever is meting out the abuse is - or appears to be - a lovely person at other times, and is apt to act as though nothing has happened.

And indeed everything else carries on as normal.....so 'it can't have been as bad as I thought / I must be exaggerating / other people have it worse / I don't even think I should be asking about this ' is an almost natural result, and so many women seem to go through it.

My friend left her abusive husband. She frequently felt a fraud: she refused to use the 'a' word, and still doesn't as far as I know?.even though I could have opened any of the books on the subject, and ticked his behaviour off like a checklist. :(

To reconcile my own feelings about it I began to think of abuse as a type of personality disorder. One which happens to be focused on the partner. This helped me create distance from the good person/bad person argument.

But the main point is that self-doubt is all part of it, as is self-blame. But it really, really isn't you that has the problem.

Thank you. It is really reassuring to hear that this amount of self doubt is normal and doesn't just mean that I'm wrong.

When I was talking to the outreach person and looking at the materials it all seemed very clear and I could find so many examples of nearly every kind. Physical, sexual, emotional, denial/ minimising etc. But then when I'm at home, as a family, all getting on with normal life, it feels like I'm insane to say these things. It's just the small drip drip of things, if I list them, he sounds like a monster. Hearing him chatting to the children and carrying on as normal, I remember that he's not a monster, he's the person I've been with all my adult life - the person my friends and family think is great, the person I've had lots of good times with and I start to really hate myself for doing this.

Sorry Orkward I posted on the wrong thread! I really apologise if it upset you, and I hope you can see that the disjointed reply is clearly about something else. I will report and delete.

Sorry Ork about the horrible place you are in. All the best, x

You don't have to decide he is a "bad person" he is a person. He sometimes behaves nicely sometime badly like all people, you are not required to judge him or take any ownership of how he is behaving. It is only about reducing it right down to looking at the things he has done that are completely unacceptable. They are not cancelled out by the times he is nice those nice times are what enables him to keep doing the awful things because if he was awful all the time you would have left a long time ago. You don't need to analyse him to death. Women's aid after abuse does require a bit of re-education about what love and relationships should be like and that is to undo the socialisation you've had during your relationship that has allowed him to continue escalating the abusive behaviour unquestioned. It is really uncomfortable, at some time you may find yourself being pulled in two between the two camps and that's a crucial time. It is hard but being able to write those checklists of the behaviour helps you understand that you have to place your trust into the women's aid path and not into your h because only one of them has your interests and feelings really at heart.

Offred you are so smart and clear. I need to read that last post of yours throughout the day I think. I think I need to really force myself to get a grip and start to eat and sleep and distract myself because I can feel it all getting worse.

Abitwobbly, that's ok - I'm not sure what you mean - where or what did you post, I didn't see. But thanks.

Oh Orkward, and now I have confused you more by posting an article on MLC.

ERM... are you really monstering your spouse, or do you think you are living with the tremendous pain and upheaval of finally giving things names?

If change was easy, we would all change. Just take one moment at a time, and learn to trust yourself, your voice.

You have shown such courage, and for a confused person, such clarity. One moment at a time, Ork.

Yes, just take it a bit at a time. I'm further along the path is all, 6 years out of my abusive relationship and I felt like a fraud all through the WA counselling. It laid the foundations for my own development as a person after and I'm extremely extremely grateful for it, a few people were against me having it, it made it hard to trust it but I did and it has saved me and my family. Even me being strong and able to see what he did properly and not brush it under the carpet has helped him move forward a bit from that period in his life too. He is getting married later this year and I don't think he is actively abusing her.

Ah I see now - the comment that he must have been watching porn and we should go to relate. Thank you for coming back and saying you'd posted on the wrong thread - in a way it was useful that you said that - even though it was by mistake - as a couple of people in rl have been trying to persuade me to go to couples counselling and there is a pressure to do that - but the responses to what you wrote made me realise that's not a good idea - so it was actually useful. don't worry x

There might be a bit of monstering. There's a lot of confusion and mess in my head for sure.

The monstering is not something I think you should actively try to avoid, that may be about the flux of the situation and the separating of yourself from him. The only thing that's bad is thinking that any feeling you are having is wrong and you shouldn't have it or that it is a sign you should be just putting up with it and stop being dramatic. The monstering is kind of like the women's aid bit and the "I'm a drama queen" is like the abuse they are battling each other and are two extreme views and one seems more appealing than the other at various times. They are both extreme views, you will not take either one away from this properly in the end if you go through the women's aid path.

Honey you are living with your rapist you have the right to be confused anyone would be under these circumstances.

He really needs to leave and give you space asap.

Really big hug

Hun, I'm 15 years on with a bunch of professionals behind me telling me my MH issues are a direct result of abuse and I still feel like a fraud some days. Its part of the abuse, thats how it eats you up. Keep doing the things you think you 'should' be doing, they're all the right things.

Living with him is obviously not the best option, is there anyway you can get some space from it all?