Is it possible to get past this

[Orkward]

I feel very confused at the moment. My dh is generally supportive and respectful and fine - but recently he forced me to have sex with him. It's never happened before and it was sudden and unexpected. He claims it wasn't what I say it was and that I could have stopped it if I'd wanted to, he thinks I made it into something it isn't but I can't seem to get past it. We've been together for a long time. I feel very confused about it all now.

Can you email WA? Do they have a forum or something?

I think it a positive that you feel like you're on the outside, looking in. It's like you're not in the eye of the storm and are gaining some perspective, this is a GOOD thing.

I think EVERYONE who's ever been on the receiving end of any type of overbearing, bullying, domineering, or abusive behaviour has those thoughts, the self doubt, the 'it's not bad enough' etc.

And who is to decide what's 'bad enough', who judges that?

You are not a fraud. Your feelings are real. Nobody else's situation is YOUR situation, their situations are irrelevant, never mind who's worse or better off. You aren't overplaying at all, actually I think you've underplayed quite a lot. You deserve help. You did NOT cause anything. It isn't fine. You are very much worth helping.

Him finding out and being angry is a scary thought but it mustn't stop you from calling WA.

You sound exhausted. I'm sorry you're tired and sad today. You are doing brilliantly, though.

It is bad enough but you do need to be ready. X

Thank you x I hope I feel all that soon, not sure what has to change to make me feel it.

Unfortunately you can't tell. It could be something you read, something you remember or (hopefully not) something he does. But keep talking. X

I think that womens aid DO have an email facility? Maybe if you didnt want to speak direct to them, you could send them a link to this thread, and they would then be able to tell you independantly whether they would feel you warranted their assistance, and reassure you that you are not wasting their time/not deserving, etc.
We all know you are worth it, but at least with email you would be able to take it at your own pace and in our own time, so that he would never need to know you were in conversation with them.

ahh, you can email them here [email protected]
they will never phone you as a result of an email - their site says "Please note we can not respond to emails by telephone as safety may be compromised. If you wish to speak to somebody please call the number above. (0808 2000 247)
The National Domestic Violence Helpline can only offer limited information by email as we don't have the resources to provide on-going support or in-depth information in this way. If you require an urgent response or need in-depth emotional support please contact the Freephone 24 hour Helpline on 0808 2000 247. When you email the Helpline it's very important that you specify when and if it is safe to respond and to which email address. Your safety is our main concern.

so you wont be able to have councilling as such, but it means that they will be able to reassure you about calling. whic may be a relief, knowing that there is not going to be any huge barrage of response to your contact.

Thank you for that NettleTea, it sounds like a good idea, I'll think about it again next week.
Weekends are the worst at the moment, every single conversation seems to have 3 different meanings, everything he says seems to be referring to something else. It's making me so edgy.

Xx

This week i am going to call up about counselling. Really do need to do it and putting it here to give myself a push. This week, that one thing. Yes i will.

Hand holding available. Good luck xxx

Do you want to talk through how you're feeling?

You're doing brilliantly, Orkward.

xx.

Thank you, you two.

I think discussing this seems to have started a big tidal wave, so many things are occuring to me, all at once. So many things pointed out here, about accepting blame generally, suddenly all these patterns and things that i've done or have happened, it's very overwhelming. I think that I know that it's good to face but it's sometimes a bit too much.

I can understand that - I bet you are struggling to know which way is up, I would be. And what to address first, what to think, who what when why how..... And what relates to what, what is it a symptom of, what is a coincidence, what isn't so relevant.... how to unpick it all?

This week, you are going to call about counselling. That is the first step to feeling a lot better about all of this.

Yes, sounds very familiar orkward. Do you want to talk about it here or is that too much?

Thinking about you Orkward, just take things one step at a time x

Thank you.

Yes that's exactly it, I don't know what's relevant and important, I'm used to being quite controlled about my emotions and thoughts, maybe I've been holding onto too much stuff for too long, but I'm actually quite scared of it all unravelling like this.

Normal life has to carry on, I can't afford to be like this, how do you manage to keep appearing normal? And doing all the usual stuff?

You won't manage to be completely normal for a little bit but it hasn't been normal up until now really either and if you work through it well it will be hard but in the end it will be much better than it was. When you start recognising that what you have had isn't really real it is very scary and like the rug has been pulled from under you but it does get better, much better.

If you are thinking it it is important btw, sometimes it just takes a while to work out why it is important.

No one else can tell what you're thinking - you might seem a bit quieter, or like you have something else on your mind, but no one can see into your head, no one will realise all this is going on until you tell them.

It is fine to be making a cheese sandwich or buying a pint of milk whilst a voice in your head is screaming offs how I can be doing this when when when....[everything, all at once]

Take things slowly.

Just carry on going through the motions. One step at a time.

Where is the smiley for 'easier said than done'?

I just think that whilst it's all swirling around for you, no one else can see that. But you'll able to carry on as normal. I think Offred is right about it hasn't been 'normal' up till now, but the new normal is ahead of you, and things will be true. Where you don't have to make excuses or wonder what YOU did in order for it to have happened, where you don't have to cover up or take on responsibilities for the actions of another.

I don't know how I've managed to do that, cover up and act normal, but I can't now. I do worry about seeming unhinged and not coping with the things I need to do. Mostly work - I worry about people just seeing how rubbish I'm being at my job. And missing deadlines and more and more things piling in and feeling less able to tackle them, I feel like I'm drowning in it.

And having no patience for dc - or anyone really. I couldn't stand the sound of my mother's breathing yesterday to the point I had to leave the room as I thought I'd scream. It's so ridiculous. I spend half my day being angry with myself. I just need it to even out a bit now and to find a bit of normality, but like you say, I have no idea what that is anymore.

Oh love, can you go to the doctors and get signed off sick for a bit - it sounds as though work is an extra pressure that you need time away from. You don't have to tell your doctor exactly why if you don't feel able to.

Please consider reaching out for help in rl. You can't keep all this bottled up, it's not helping you. Make the phone call for counselling and get in as soon as you can or contact Women's Aid. You are a strong woman, don't ever doubt that, you can do this. This is not your fault, not one bit of it. xxx

Hello. I can't really get signed off as i had quite a lot of time off earlier from being ill and I'm still catching up, - there's no one else at my work who could do it for me and it's really busy. Manager just asked me for a breakdown of my hours and what i've been doing in them so panicking that she's concerned about how much I'm getting done or not doing.

I do want to call about counselling, just have to do it at a time when no one else is around which is really tricky. Maybe tomorrow, going to try and find some courage.

Today was my day for being brave and calling helplines but they just go to recorded message, no one available and can't get through.

:( so sorry orkward :( don't give up. Could you email?

Called up a specialist place for counselling today. They'll call me next week with an appointment. Pleased I did it.