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Original poster

Is it possible to get past this

341 replies

Orkward · 15/06/2012 12:06

I feel very confused at the moment. My dh is generally supportive and respectful and fine - but recently he forced me to have sex with him. It's never happened before and it was sudden and unexpected. He claims it wasn't what I say it was and that I could have stopped it if I'd wanted to, he thinks I made it into something it isn't but I can't seem to get past it. We've been together for a long time. I feel very confused about it all now.

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Original poster
Orkward · 21/06/2012 12:25

Yes, maybe he can. He does to some of the stuff, we divide it up. Maybe I should see if I can stay with someone for a weekend soon, will think about who, I'm not sure. I don't want to go somewhere and talk about it all though as then I'll come home feeling worse. But you're right, maybe a bit of distance would help get some perspective.

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ElephantsAndMiasmas · 21/06/2012 12:31

Yeah I was thinking somewhere where you could just go out for walks in town or in the country, or just stare out of the window for a bit and enjoy a change of scene. And most of all enjoy the distance.

Of course he can do it. And you CAN go. Any friend of mine who rang up saying "everything's just getting on top of me and I could really do with just getting out of town for a night or two - can I stay with you?" I would find a way to accommodate her and be pleased to. Everyone needs a break sometimes, even in circumstances less stressful than this.

Offred · 21/06/2012 13:43

You're not necessarily able to know what support you want/need though orkward right now or if ever to be honest. The best way is to feel your way through it. As cailin says don't put too much pressure on yourself to know or to feel things you think you should feel. WA would give you emotional and practical support, mental and possibly physical space. I really don't think it is actually possible to work through this entirely by yourself with no support at all but you've got to be able to cope with support to be able to access it so maybe you aren't in the right place mentally right now.

Original poster
Orkward · 21/06/2012 17:55

No i suppose not. Just hope things get a little bit clearer and i get on top of the anxiety feeling enough to start dealing with things better. Dc need a capable mother

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Back2Two · 22/06/2012 21:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Original poster
Orkward · 23/06/2012 23:24

Well, I confronted him. He didn't remember it, then he denied it, then it wasn't like that, then it was my fault, but eventually he admitted that whatever it was, it was inexcusable and wrong and hurt me and that I won't live with that fear of it happening again. He accepts that I don't want him to touch me again, and that I want him to move out, but we can't think of how or where at the moment.

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anonacfr · 23/06/2012 23:35

How brave of you. I hope you're alright. We're all thinking of you!

Offred · 23/06/2012 23:35

Oh orkward! You are so brave! How are you feeling? Does he have any friends or family he could stay with? Xxxx ((hugs))

Original poster
Orkward · 23/06/2012 23:44

I'm still shaking! It was horrible but also a massive relief to put it into words and explain to him how serious it is. He kept saying things like 'but it's only happened once, there's no reason it would happen again' which shows me that he knows exactly what happened. It shows me that I'm not mad or imagining things and I didn't get it wrong. That will help me won't it? I feel very sad and totally unsure of the future, but a bit more sure of myself so that's a good thing.

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Original poster
Orkward · 23/06/2012 23:46

His family are all really far away - I really don't know what to do about where he could go - our joint wages all go on mortgage and there's nothing left over, and I also rely on him for childcare some of the time. It's really complicated but we have to think of something.

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Offred · 23/06/2012 23:48

Yes, that will help you in the long term. Have you thought again about any practical emotional support for you (I know I keep harping on about it)? It was so pre-meditated that I'm sure he knew what he had done (as my xp did). Yes it is very sad for all of you and it is probably going to be very hard emotionally. Keep talking on here and just be very kind to yourself. X

Offred · 23/06/2012 23:50

Does he have a friend who would put him up?

Offred · 23/06/2012 23:52

Do you want him to leave for good or temporarily?

anonacfr · 23/06/2012 23:55

He went from 'not remembering' to trying to excuse his actions by saying he's only done it once.
Not only were not imagining anything, but he's now trying to justify and minimise his behaviour. He's clearly not sorry in the slightest.

Whatever happens you can be totally sure of yourself.

As Offred says look after yourself and get some support- I am sure you are going to get lots of good suggestions on this thread.

Original poster
Orkward · 23/06/2012 23:55

All his friends are in London and we moved away from there - so no one who could put him up and him still get to work.

You're right, he did know, he just doesn't see it as rape, he's justified it in his own mind. But he did accept or take on board how I feel about it and what the impact has been. At first he was really defensive and kept saying that he always comes away feeling like the bad one when actually its me who is ungrateful / takes him for granted / makes him feel small etc etc etc but for once I didnt take any of that and just spelt out what he did and how it can't be justified.

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OlympicMarathonNCer · 23/06/2012 23:58

Orkward, so very brave and courageous of you to keep strong and stick to your guns when he was trying to worm out of it.

It will be difficult to make the split but in a while you will be living a safe, abuse free life. Keep holding onto that.

Do you have a women's resource centre near you? they may be able to help with support and practical legal advice.

Original poster
Orkward · 24/06/2012 00:00

I don't have anything near me, live in a very rural place.

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Offred · 24/06/2012 00:02

In order to actually do something like this, this horrible crime, a person needs to feel entitled and justified in doing it. What he is saying about it being your fault cos you make him feel small is nothing to do with reality it is the script that helps justify his behaviour in his own mind. It is worrying that he is taking that approach tbh because now he knows you know what he had done he may not feel it is necessary to keep up the placating and minimising behaviour and there is a risk it may escalate to out and out anger that he justifies as your punishment for being so horrible. You need to be careful and I think not be so worried about where he will go, although I understand it is hard to just let go of your whole life like that. If he is leaving permanently you need to accept that things will change. You will have to sort out your home and childcare as a single parent at some point. It is more complicated if in your mind the change is temporary.

OlympicMarathonNCer · 24/06/2012 00:03

There are plenty of male hostels around he can live in. Just get legal advice to make sure you have enough for the mortagage if he gets antsy.

Offred · 24/06/2012 00:04

But really it is so late you really don't need to think about it right now, there's nothing you can do right now. Do you think you'll be able to sleep? Will you be safe?

Original poster
Orkward · 24/06/2012 00:08

I know what you mean offred, and it's true. It's just that at the moment, he does more of the childcare than me sometimes due to work - money is tight, there are lots of practicalities to work out, on top of feeling like the roof has fallen on me, it's quite daunting. I feel like in a week, I've made huge strides - not long ago I'd not told anyone and really did believe that I must have got it wrong or be responsible and in a really fucked up way, told myself that i'd only know if it happened again. Now I KNOW that I don't ever deserve to have that happen again.

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OlympicMarathonNCer · 24/06/2012 00:08

You can contact women's aid online and they can guide you to the right places.

Whilst you're making plans it's best not to say anything to him as he may try to stop you.

Whilst he is living in the home you are not 100% safe, there are people who can help and there are outreach programmes.

Offred · 24/06/2012 00:11

You really aren't responsible for where he goes either. If you told him to leave he would soon find somewhere to go. I think you need legal advice ASAP. Think about making copies or hiding all the important documents, passports, birth certificates, wage slips, bank statements, mortgage details and if you have a joint account squirrelling away some money.

PooPooInMyToes · 24/06/2012 00:12

hopkinette I've only read to page two so sorry if you have answered this already, i was wondering about your ptsd and how that manifested itself?

Original poster
Orkward · 24/06/2012 00:13

He is willing to go. Or at least he is saying he is at the moment. He's seeing it as a temporary split for now - but it depends on finding somewhere. We talked about a couple of different options, I said the only thing I couldn't consider was him staying like it is now and not knowing if it's going to happen again.
The most honest thing he said was that he doesn't know himself what will come from a 'bad day' and what his own limits are. Sad

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