Is it possible to get past this

[Orkward]

I feel very confused at the moment. My dh is generally supportive and respectful and fine - but recently he forced me to have sex with him. It's never happened before and it was sudden and unexpected. He claims it wasn't what I say it was and that I could have stopped it if I'd wanted to, he thinks I made it into something it isn't but I can't seem to get past it. We've been together for a long time. I feel very confused about it all now.

I don't know, reading some of your messages I just can't believe the things that you're saying. I think that I'm grasping more things and seeing it all more clearly and feeling resolve and strength to act, and then I feel utter panic and doubt myself again. I felt much stronger having confronted it with him, and now feel more freaked out again because it means that now it's a real thing that is an acknowledged thing.

Yes, it is frightening orkward x

It is frightening, of course it is. But what he did to you and his attitude towards it is the most frightening of all. Changing the life you've had for so long is bloody frightening but it is not frightening in a dangerous way, whereas staying with your rapist is. A lot of us here will have sadly gone through some sort of abuse and we went through all the same feelings of doubt and feeling frozen to act and not wanting it to be real and trying to blame ourselves and choosing to stay whilst we try to understand it... And we all know how abusers fuck with your head and make you wonder if black is actually white and get you too frazzled and confused and stressed and guilty to do what needs to be done (ie kick their arse out). We know it is a long and hard process and, quite frankly, you are doing amazingly well and probably coming to important realisations better than a lot of women, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.

Thank you, I really appreciate everything you're saying.

How are you today?

Thinking of you x

Still going round in circles a bit trying to figure out what to do. We've talked about it all more - well about practicalities of splitting up or staying together, what's been going on generally. He's shifted his attitide a lot and stopped trying to put any of it on me, accepting a lot more about his behaviour, trying to think of practical things to do to change things, everything he says sounds right but doesn't change any basic facts. I'm trying to keep things said to me here in the front of my mind and not get pulled along but it's so difficult, head is spinning today.

Hi, how do you feel now about splitting up?

I haven't caught up with the thread but didn't want to leave you unanswered, I'll go catch up. You are being really brave.

Thanks Olympic. Well all I know at this moment is that some space is really important, I can't think straight together in a small house with jobs and children, I'd really like him to go even if it's just to work it out for now. Still trying to figure out how to make that happen.

Caught up, had t'internet probs.

He's saying the right things because he thinks it will placate you and weaken your stance, very typical behaviour. It is a falsehood though so don't fall for it.

If you have made the decision for some time apart please call women's aid as they will help. The leaving stages are the most dangerous as the abuser tries everything to get you to stay.

Your and your dc's safety is paramount and it's better to be safe than sorry.

Hope you're ok.

Yes, I think because rape is about power and control and entitlement what he is saying now cannot be the truth of how he is going to behave if he stays. Most likely he is thinking he has to say this stuff to get you onside and he may try to punish you for making him do it at some point later. If he really believed he had premeditatedly raped you and that he hadn't meant and planned to (although I see this is impossible in the circs) that it had happened because of MH probs he couldn't control he would surely be horrified with himself, would leave of his own accord and be trying to get help with his mental health.

He's saying he is shocked and devastated that that's how I saw it, that he was wrong, pushy, rude, he did make a mistake by doing something that might make me feel that way, but that he didn't ever see it that way, he thought I was going along with it, he thinks it's a misunderstanding, a misjudgment on his part, he can't believe I could accuse him of something so awful etc etc.

I know that you all see it very clearly from your perspectives, I know that you'll say 'of course he'd say that', but it is so confusing. I know I'm saying that all the time. When I talk to him about it I doubt myself, I think was that all it was? It forces me to go over it again in my mind which is driving me crazy.

((hug)) it really doesn't matter how he says he saw it. What he is saying is absolutely untrue but even if he believes it right now it doesn't change anything. You said you didn't want to have sex with him and he did it anyway. The fact that when you said "what if I don't want to" he said "I don't care" is the actual truth whatever lie he might tell you now or whatever excuse or belief he has with hindsight.

I do think you need space. You don't need to keep hearing how he views it and how he feels about it.

You said near the start of the thread "but if I'd got it wrong he'd be acting normal though. If I could have stopped it" that is exceptionally astute.

I really do need space. He is saying he'll go if we can find somewhere, but maybe that's just because he knows there isn't anywhere. I'm going to take 2 weeks off work and take the children somewhere on my own if I can figure out where and can afford to, as soon as school breaks up.

That sounds like a good plan. He needs to actually find somewhere to go! But he really has no reason to so I don't think he will.

Had an assessment for therapy but I don't think that I said the right things, or at least the result seems to be she suggested CBT over the phone, with a 3-6 month waiting list, so not much help for now.

That sounds fairly standard. NHS MH services are very patchy it will be guided by what there is as well as what you said. I do think you also need some specialist counselling or at least some kind of dialogue. From women's aid or rape crisis because the general nhs ones will have assessed you based on your self-blaming (due to the abuse) and will therefore be about helping you learn ways to change your thinking patterns in order to cope. Without specialist counselling to support it it might just encourage you to cover it back over. The problem is him and his abuse, not you and the way you behave so whilst cbt could help in the very short term with your fear an anxiety, without any practical help to change your situation, the cause of the problem won't be helped and therefore there won't be a long term resolution.

It's true, I thought this as she told me what would happen with CBT - I thought that maybe if I do this, I'll just learn strategies to live with it and cope with it rather than get away from it.

You will learn strategies to live with and cope with your fear and anxiety. That fear and anxiety would not all go away if he goes away. It will be helpful in coping with those very real things and so there is a point but if you don't, frankly just get out of the relationship, and have some help in learning to understand abuse, why and how it happens, then it may make staying less intolerable. The great difficulty being getting out of the relationship. You need to do it mentally first I think and have some proper help with doing it physically which is where women's aid come in.

I think that maybe I am doing it mentally, first by emailing my friend, then on here, and then with him. I know I'm not there yet at all as I'm still so easily baffled or sliding backwards - but I have a feeling like I'm observing things now, like I'm looking at them from a distance as they're happening sometimes, and I think that is a good thing.

Yes, you are but it is much easier with support and reassurance from people who know. One of the most helpful things to me was meeting other women and hearing their stories and feeling strong together. X

Also being believed by WA, by them being able to fill in the gaps, through experience and feeling like I was not crazy that actually what I was experiencing is a normal person's normal reaction when they are being abused. It really helped to have those things explained to me by people who were experienced and knowledgeable. But it is also very scary in the beginning.

I don't know why I can't call WA. I have thought about it a lot, I can't do it at the moment. My thoughts range from - it's not bad enough - i'm over playing it and they'll know - there are so many people in worse situations, this doesn't count - i don't deserve help because i've caused it - i don't need help because it's fine - he'll find out and be angry - i'm a fraud and this is of my own making - i'm not worth helping.

You've challenged LOADS of those feelings, I want to believe differently. I'm tired and sad today.