Where is he?? Going out of my mind, should I call police and report him missing??

[Alabama100]

I really don't know what to do, my husband said he was in his wy home at 8.30pm it's now 11.30 and he's still not here and his phone is going straight to voicemail. I am going out of my mind with worry! We have a 7 month old so I can't comb the streets looking got him. I am sick with worry! I have called him hundreds of times all voicemail, I have called around pubs and he's not there.

How long should I wait before calling the police??

TSC you are really sounding like you have ishoos about something or other.

I merely wanted some justification for this comment:

it seems...if one has a 'rah alphamale' salary they can behave thoughtlessly, butl and behold if you are on 20k a year as then you are in an abusive relationship and must leave the bastard...

I just didn't understand your logic for thinking that way - that's all.

And as for 'behaviours being tolerated as an alpha-male trait' what does that mean exactly? Are you implying that I think my DH is an alpha-male? I have no idea what the fuck an 'alpha-male' looks like but it don't think he is it, whatever 'it' is. He's just a male.

TSC you have expended an awful lot of effort in telling me (more than once) how rich your exes have been and how little I understand about the kind of affluent background you came from. You can rest assured it's duly noted on my spreadsheet now.

I am not sure I have ever directed a post at you about the my income, I have merely mentioned that my DH worked in the city and you (and many others) seem to have latched onto the idea that we must be a Hedge Fund Manager and his trophy wife. All I can say to that is 'I wish'.

Not everyone who is a banker is that kind of banker. Some of them are just people who work in banks. I have never once tried to bring income into this discussion, but you seem really keen to.

I said he had a stressful job. I never once connected the stressful job with his drinking too much when he goes out, and I didn't say 'ooh poor him, he works so hard he needs to get shitfaced to unwind'

That was you/Porto projecting just a little bit about what you think I think. Read it back, if you need to double check, then seriously TSC let it gooooo..................just let it go.

Hilly - I wasn't referring to any specific individual - just replying on your comment that it is somehow seen as less acceptable to behave like this if you are poor (and can't afford it). I hardly think that is me "projecting" anything.

I don't care how much anyone earns, or what they do for living, personally.

Over 5 years ago now, dh stopped drinking. Utterly quit, and hasn't touched a drop since. He used to go to the pub after work, not come home when he said he would, not reply to phone messages etc, whilst I was at home with three small children, sometimes wondering if something bad had happened to him. Then he reached what was, for him, rock bottom. Luckily his rock bottom was nowhere near as bad as it could have been, but he realised that he had a problem with alchohol. He wasn't alchoholic - he had a job where he'd be on call for a fortnight, and as his industry is a 'dry' industry, this meant he couldn't have a drink at all, and this wasn't a problem for him in any way. But when he did have a drink, he sort of forgot when to stop. Leaving wine or beer in a glass, or not finishing up the last of a bottle of wine, was anathema to him.

And yes, I put up with his behaviour (though not silently - oh no - we had many, many arguments about how selfish I thought he was being) because, as LeQueen says of her husband, he was OK most of the time - the lapses weren't regular or frequent enough to tip me past the point of no return.

Porto - if I understand you correctly, it's not the income of the alpha male earner that's the 'excusing' factor - it's the 'very stressful, high-pressured job' aspect that is involved in earning that sort of income that is used as an excuse - "He works so hard and his job is so tense and stressful that he needs to relax after work" sort of thing.

LeQueen - I understand perfectly what you are saying about your marriage. None of us is perfect - not even me - so marriage is a compromise. Tbh, when I look at what dh has had to cope with over the years, being married to me, with my history of depression and the way it has blighted our lives, I think he's had the worst of the deal, not me - even when he was drinking.

just replying on your comment that it is somehow seen as less acceptable to behave like this if you are poor (and can't afford it). I hardly think that is me "projecting" anything.

but I didn't ever make that comment Porto! I think perhaps we are all talking at slight cross purposes and misunderstanding one another.

there are loads of women who go out and get shit faced, even, whoopeedo when they have children. They just make sure there is a responsible adult in charge when they do! I suppose the husbands do the same thing...

There are loads of couples who don't drink to excess but there are probs the same amount of couples who do, from time to time. Just not every week like they did when single.

It amounts to the old saying, if we were all the same it would be a very boring world.... horses for courses.

Oh I remember TSC how could I forget? I have the memory of an elephant, sadly also the legs of one where interesting MN threads are concerned. And I remember exactly why I said it as well, uncalled for though it was. I forgot myself for a mad moment and sank to the level of others, and allowed myself to get into a childish tit for tat argument. But you soon put me right, with your life history peppered with super-rich boyfriends, and good for you.

Fifteen All.

Yes that's me STC, how nice of you to remember. Life is great thanks - three properties in the UK and just the one teensy tiny mortgage, no need to pay any tax on the rental income on those either which is marvellous! We are managing well on our tax free basic, which is great as it means the next bonus can go straight into another rental property which will make us more tax free money - HURRAH! Honestly, who knew it was this easy? It's like growing it on trees. We are just about to move into a mahoosive villa with a private pool over here, because the 5 bed one we are currently in isn't really good enough. We have to share a pool and that just won't do. I went in there today to check on the men who were refurbishing it for us.

There are 2 brand new 4X4s on our drive with wing mirrors bigger than my head. They eat petrol at a scary rate but since we can fill up both cars for about 52p we just don't let it worry us. Life is best when you don't let things worry you, don't you think?

We have a housemaid who lives in the cupboard under the stairs (very cheap to feed, only rice, sardines and diet coke, she's an absolute gem and I pay her in shiny buttons, which she is delighted with) because when one has one's own huge villa with marble and granite everything one really does need a housemaid for all that polishing and endless mopping. One couldn't possibly manage otherwise.

Our kids are at the most expensive school in the country but there are some riffraff expats here as well believe it or not, so one really does have to be careful just like in good old blighty - the peasants are still revolting - even abroad! Honestly we only came here to get away from the fuckers and some of them seem to have had the same idea. I'm amazed they were allowed passports really but there you go.

Did I forget anything? Erm, let me see....off to spend the day at our beach club in the most expensive hotel in the country tomorrow (luckily we get corporate discount otherwise we'd never manage the fees, but as it is it only costs us about £300 a month which barely noticeable. Then we are off to Trader Vic's for dinner and cocktails tomorrow night with some new friends who own a boat (how handy - weekends can be SO boring here unless you know the right people to hang out with, which luckily we do, so it's all fine) and we are just about to book a holiday to Malaysia. DH might go sailing on Saturday and I might get a massage, pedicure and blow dry because I haven't treated myself for at least a fortnight, and what is life all about if you can't treat yourself once in a while hey? and then i'll be flying home for the summer - business class, naturally.

warning: some of the above is not true.

Are you happy now, or do you need to carry on? Because I think we are probably boring everybody now.

Um nice!

was that an um nice or an um nice ? Not that I care really, but I'm just wondering.

S'Ok Hilly, as you said : "In my time I have:

had the police walk along railway tracks to rescue him from a locked train in the sidings at 3am because he fell asleep and no member of staff found him. By the time he woke up he could not get out and it was pitch blck and he didn't know where he was. This was pre-mobile phone days so it was only detective work between myself and the police that we worked out where he was at all. He had to walk about a mile along the sidings with the police back to the railway station, then I had to get the baby out of bed and drive to the station about 10 miles away to pick him up. Happy? You betcha.

I've had police cars and ambulances going up and down Oxford Street looking for him because he'd collapsed in a phone box having had a massive internal haemorrage (just one of those weird things - he had very bad bleeding piles and bowel problems partly due to food intolerances and partly due to a very stressful job - he could not have predicted it, but I'm sure the booze did not help) and he ended up in hospital having a blood transfusion (ok, not his fault , but the fact he was too pissed to tell me exactly where he was while he was bleeding pints of blood into his shoes made the whole thing a tad more fraught)

And I've phoned the police and A&E because he once rang me to say from a cab to say he was about 5 miles from home at about 10.30 pm and by 3am he still wasn't there. He'd got the cab to drop him on the corner so I didn't hear it arrive, (because he didn't want to wake me - he knows I am a very light sleeper) and as he was walking towards the house he saw our neighbours having a drink in their garden with some friends across the road. They invited him in, his phone went dead, and the fucking twat just assumed I'd be asleep and so 'forgot' to nip indoors and tell me. And the rest, as they say, is history."

All this misuse of the emergency services due to being pissed out of your head is FINE - as long as you can still afford the Gas Bill - cos THAT would be unacceptable....

That is not what I said at all Porto. You are choosing to misinterpret what I said. But you seem to be doing a lot of that lately so I'll leave you to it.

This is like a modern version of the peasants revolt. I'm with the peasants on this one. Being a nobber is seemingly ok if accompanied by a certain income level.

Good, I'm glad you're happy.

But Hilly I am just quoting your posts. You, presumably live with your dh's disgusting behaviour above. But, then you say: "The slight difference perhaps, is that the 'rah alphamales' as you so delightfully called them will be spending money they can probably afford, whereas someone on £20k getting regularly shitfaced has porbably just pissed the gas bill money up the wall. I imagine, as the wife, it's harder to live with that sort of crap on a regular basis when you can't pay the gas bill."

What else can one infer?

So no misinterpretation. Just repeating what YOU said.

Me too, it seems , going off is thread, and not having a pop at anyone, if one has a 'rah alphamale' salary they can behave thoughtlessly, butl and behold if you are on 20k a year as then you are in an abusive relationship and must leave the bastard...

It's not that much of a gilded cage really is it?

I was responding to that Porto. To the idea that if it's a rich man it's merely thoughtless, childish wanky behaviour (which it is) but if it is a poor man it is abuse (which it isn't.) Unless of course the bills are not getting paid and there is no food on the table, in which case it may well be bordering on abuse, but perhaps neglect, or dereliction of duty would probably be a more apt phrase.

And I do think that perhaps it is easier to live with if it the money spent were not leaving the family without essentials, and causing the other major worries on top of the obvious ones already discussed. I doubt I would have tolerated it quite so well over the years if I had been unable to feed my kids because of it.

I'm just not sure how any of that can be interpreted as my making excuses for him, or saying that is 'acceptable' or 'fine'. It absolutely isn't I have never tried to justify it one iota, and you will not find a single sentence in this thread where I have.

You said:

just replying on your comment that it is somehow seen as less acceptable to behave like this if you are poor (and can't afford it).

I categorically did NOT say it was less acceptable to behave like this if you are poor. What I said was that as the wife it might be harder to live with if you were poor. Hardly the same thing. So it absolutely IS all about your interpretation.

I read this thread last night during a sleepless night last night and it is very interesting.

alabama I am glad your DP came home, and mango, anyf and vicar - I am really sorry for your losses.

When I read the OP I just thought 'bollocks, he is out on the piss'. I too have been in a relationship with a chap like this - is an angel for months on end and then goes on the missing list.

We split up 2 weeks ago after nearly 7 years of gradually diminishing respect, concern, love and friendship. We split up for many reasons, of which his going out on the piss once in a blue moon was a small part. But - looking back I just accepted it and told myself that he was a good bloke most of the time, what is the problem with a 24 hour bender once every couple of months?

But in reality I was kidding myself. Every time he did it it chipped away at my love and respect for him. He let me down so many times, I used to get so, so upset by it, but then forced myself to accept it, and then started to really resent him. It got to the point when he came in and had a drunk look on his face I started to think he was ugly. He isn't a belligerent drunk, but completely thoughtless. One night he so upset me that I got an overwhelming urge to punch him in the face - I cannot stand any kind of violence, I can't BEAR people who hit, I had a violent upbringing and promised myself I wouldn't be one of those people. I was so ashamed of myself and so furious. That was really when the rot set in.

It is a cycle - he would go on a bender, then be penitent and pathetically apologetic for a few days, being ultra nice, then he would be GREAT for several weeks or months, then he would start going out for a drink after work 'I am doing no harm', this would last a few weeks, then he would go out on the piss until god knows when with his phone off, and then the cycle would start again. He could go months - 6 months or so - the infrequency didn't really make a difference.

I am not casting aspersions on anyone else's relationship - all marriages are different, and if you are happy, you are happy - but I couldn't cope with that any more (like I said the piss ups were just a part of our troubles). But he sounds very similar to hilly and lequeen's husband in that he was the life and soul of the party, a really bonhomous man who didn't have any malice in his actions, he just liked to have fun and is a really jolly character in company. I seem to pick them - my XP was the same _ and in total I have spent the last 15 years of my life with 2 men who were jolly and social in public, however to a certain extent the blinds came down and they were a lot darker when in private. I can't live like that any more. No matter what percentage he is nice - it is not enough to counteract the sheer misery caused by the selfish behaviour. I have no intention at the moment of ever getting involved with another ridiculous bloke - fuck that, honestly - but if I ever did I would never again be attracted to someone like this. For me, it has not been worth it.

Christ I sound bitter.

I am really - I should have finished it years ago.

alabama I hope you are OK today. Go and put some happy hardcore on your stereo on as loud as you can, prevent the hungover git from getting any sleep