Where is he?? Going out of my mind, should I call police and report him missing??

[Alabama100]

I really don't know what to do, my husband said he was in his wy home at 8.30pm it's now 11.30 and he's still not here and his phone is going straight to voicemail. I am going out of my mind with worry! We have a 7 month old so I can't comb the streets looking got him. I am sick with worry! I have called him hundreds of times all voicemail, I have called around pubs and he's not there.

How long should I wait before calling the police??

Sounds like he could have an alcohol problem

Hilly I know you will hate me for saying this, but the way you describe your husband makes him sound like he has a problem with alcohol, and that you have been normalising and rationalising it for years

that litany of ridiculous alcohol-induced dramas he has "found himself in" ? Every one of them wasn't aceeptable from a family man, and I am sure for many of them it is just sheer, blind luck that they haven't ended up with him hurting himself, and causing someone else to get very hurt indeed

if he is still acting like this, it's only a matter of time before you get that knock on the door, my love

I'm afraid I totally agree with AF.

(My dh is a drinker and it worries me to fuck at the units he consumes - I reckon about 60/70 a week. But he's never come close to doing any of those alarming things. He's never stayed out or gone missing or put himself or anyone else in danger or been unfaithful or basically done anything other than put his liver at risk. )

Weirdly enough the thing that made me think your dh has definitely got a drink problem was not all the drama but him not being able to walk past his neigbours garden because they were drinking and staying there til 3am.

All that said, I understand the minimising and normalising as it's how you cope and you love him - and I don't doubt that he's a lovely guy. Not all drinkers are aggressive twats, some are lovely people who are slaves to alcohol.

I know AF. We have that conversation every time, believe me. but it had never got to the point where I have needed to consider leaving over it, because everything else is great, (really great) and it doesn't happen so often that I am pushed over the edge.

And my DH isn't exactly a slave to alcohol so much, it's more that he's a slave to a party. But he is not really a pub man. He has never gone off to the pub at home, it's always been an after work thing. He worked in the city until recently and it is very much part of the culture unfortunately. Our social life at home is very much a dinner party and barbecue type of thing, or a bottle of wine shared at home. He can stop all alcohol at the drop of a hat though, and frequently does for weeks on end - he's better at that than me. But when he gets his party head on unfotunately he just doesn't know when to stop, which I hate. Luckily we doesn't work in that environnment any more so it's rare that it happens these days.

"every time" sounds so sad, and so inevitable Hilly, like you have no say in the matter and no way to influence the outcome

I guess you don't though

I hope we are around to support you when this comes crashing down. Because I think it will

Yes I think perhaps you are right - I have little control over it ultimately. Whether it ever reaches a tipping point remains to be seen, but he is getting better with age rather than worse so I am hopeful.

I always think you two have lots in common

My DH was like this when I met him, and for a while into his 20's, so please don't think I don't know where you are coming from

The day me and a female friend organised a bbq, while our respective husbands got pissed at the pub and rolled in several hours past sundown with a smirk and a "what have I done wrong?" was the last time he did it

I told him I didn't want to be married to someone so easily led (the other DH was a disrespectful twunt, long story there), he held his hands up and said I was right (a few days later it has to be said)

I do think if they don't grow out of it, you have a problem, but most of all so do they and simply disengaging helps in the short term, but really it will come back to bite you on the arse

that is true, LeQ

40+ "PartyBoys" are just a bit sad, really

It is so bloody disrepectful though - not the drinking per se - but how does anyone in a relationship with children sleeping at home think it all reasonable to not let anyone know where they are or get so pissed they end up in A&E?

To anyone who says they think this is "acceptable" - would you disappear for hours, after promising to be home? Would you find it Ok to ignore your kids and spend the day in bed sleeping it off?

"Also, and I don't want this to sound cold/hard...but since having the DDs, DH isn't the No. 1 priority in my life. Part of my disengaging from his antics, was due to my having more important things to occupy myself with (and too tired to waste my time in bed lying awake, fretting) - and he knows that."

Sounds like you too have dropped down the list of priorities LeQueen

I'm sad for you lequeen and hilly

Leq- you defend your husband's behaviour - understandably of course.

He sounds bloody dreadful.

What Porto says... "To anyone who says they think this is "acceptable" - would you disappear for hours, after promising to be home? Would you find it Ok to ignore your kids and spend the day in bed sleeping it off?"

I have done it on more than one occasion and it's not acceptable but I have a drinking problem and if i'm going to be honest only those with drinking problems would do it.

Take it from someone who knows, it is NOT acceptable.

But you DO defend him. Some of your earlier threads describe a rather unpleasant man tbh.

This is a very common lifestyle for those in the city and I certainly have friends whose husbands have disappeared/missed the train/turned up at 4am. But, rightly or wrongly, like LeQ, they have just put up with it for their late twenties and thirties, and they have settled down more in their forties anyway. It does appear that heavy drinking, and being risk-takers, is part of that lifestyle, and they have benefitted massively from it, including being able to retire early/make pots of money. I have also not noticed a correlation between some of this twattish behaviour and being a bad dad, the friend I'm thinking of is brilliant with his kids, and will happily make up for his transgressions the night before by taking them out all day (rightly) to give their mum a break on the Sun or whatever.

I don't think all binge drinking and laddish culture necessarily leads to alcoholism and ruin for the family, but it does for some. I do know someone who died from binge drinking but it was of a different order than a night out with the lads and rolling in at 2am, it was secret drinking, and disappearing for days on end.