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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Where is he?? Going out of my mind, should I call police and report him missing??

225 replies

Alabama100 · 14/06/2012 23:37

I really don't know what to do, my husband said he was in his wy home at 8.30pm it's now 11.30 and he's still not here and his phone is going straight to voicemail. I am going out of my mind with worry! We have a 7 month old so I can't comb the streets looking got him. I am sick with worry! I have called him hundreds of times all voicemail, I have called around pubs and he's not there.

How long should I wait before calling the police??

OP posts:
mylunchwasdull · 18/06/2012 12:57

No charity, no.

I have read your previous threads. He is an arsehole to you a lot of the time, although you now deny this and he's wonderful etc etc. It's called 'minimising' and you're doing it.

I won't say anymore on the matter you'll be relieved to hear - and this will give you the opportunity to come back with something witty Hmm and breezy and maybe in italics too - without fear of me retorting back.

But be very clear - you do not have a lovely decent husband. And I base that entirely on what YOU have said about him.

LeQueen · 18/06/2012 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumsyblouse · 18/06/2012 13:08

Thing is, LeQ is happy with her husband. Just because other people wouldn't be happy say, if they didn't ring at a certain time, or come in on the agreed hour, not everyone would find this an insult or a massive boundary issue in their relationship. My husband is a terrible timekeeper and massively overestimates every journey, so would say he'd be home at 8.30 and roll in at 10pm. He comes from a different culture, in which this type of timekeeping (unlike in the UK) is perfectly normal, indeed people think you are weird if you turn up at 12 for lunch as agreed. So, I could either huff and puff, start doubting the relationship, tie myself in hysterical knots phoning his mobile (which I did in the first year of marriage) or just get over it and accept that, with this particular guy, that's the deal. He's modified himself for me over the years, and to UK culture, so when time is important, e.g. for flights, transport, when travelling with the kids, family events etc, he's on time. The rest of the time, he timekeeps himself as an adult. Same with alcohol, he doesn't often get really really drunk, but it's up to him if he does.

Many many people in the UK drink a lot and go out a lot and are not alcoholics. Entire cultures of people do this (except on MN) however, unless there's obvious dependence, or secretive behaviour or it is seriously affecting functioning (not a hangover one day every few months) then what really, is the issue? LeQ likes his risk-taking live life to the full personality, and this is just the down side of all the ups basically.

Why would you want to undermine other people's relationships with doom and gloom predictions when they themselves are perfectly happy?

LeQueen · 18/06/2012 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumsyblouse · 18/06/2012 13:25

LeQ- I know you don't need me to defend you:)

It's just sometimes on the relationship topic I feel people just respond formulaically: he drinks sometimes = addict, alcoholism, he shouts sometimes = EA. Sometimes these things are true, but I know very very few relationships in which there aren't weak spots, and if you simply focus on those, and forget the good stuff, no relationships really stand up to that type of scrutiny. And then the cry is 'leave him'. I like to save that for the ones where people aren't 98% happy!

LeQueen · 18/06/2012 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Portofino · 18/06/2012 15:27

"so when time is important, e.g. for flights, transport, when travelling with the kids, family events etc, he's on time. The rest of the time, he timekeeps himself as an adult."

So - when he considers it important, he CAN timekeep then Mumsy? Does he manage to turn up for work on time? I guess so....

It makes me so cross that some women infantalise and excuse men so much. Oh poor diddums - he's a terrible timekeeper, pisshead etc He works SOOO hard. Angry

What is so hard, when one has a watch and a mobile phone, to actually turn up when you said you were going to/not come home at 4am pissed off your face whilst your wife considers whether to phone the police or not? My 8 yo can work out how soon she has to be ready to be someone at a certain time.

AnyFucker · 18/06/2012 16:59

hmm, I get it

so when it will inconvenience important others (bosses, airline pilots, dear ole mummy, people he is actually bothered about pissing off etc) some men will pull out all the stops and be on time/manage to not get trolleyed/end up mugged on the last train out of wherever etc

but when it's just their partner, that's not important at all, and she can be relegated to the position of nagging wife who tries to curtail his right to have fun (even though she might be up half the night worrying if he is still alive or not)

that's nice

but we mustn't clip his wings/crush that free and maverick spirit, must we ? Heaven forbid...

Portofino · 18/06/2012 17:44

Yes - I think in Mumsy's case it appears dh can timekeep perfectly well - when he wants to. So it could be a case of things HE thinks are important, or also possibly a case of him knowing he WILL NOT GET AWAY WITH IT at those times.

Either way - it is obviously not that is he is unable to timekeep - he CAN. He just can't be arsed. Nice.

mangomadness · 18/06/2012 17:59

Op maybe tell him this.....

My fiance and I were supposed to be travelling down together to uni to pack up my things and move it back home. We stayed over at my mums house to look after dogs as she and my sis were in London for weekend. He'd been thoroughly basseted by the pup and covered in goo the night before, so when we woke up he said he'd go to the supermarket, get a new t-shirt (we were going to meet up with some of my friends, go out and stay the night, as my bro would be back to look after dogs), fill the car up, check tyres etc. Off he goes at about 9am.
I do housework, walk dogs then look at the time and it's close to 12, strange as the supermarket is about 10mins away and he didn't need to get much.
I call his phone, it rings through but he doesn't answer. After another 30 mins I try 5 more times by then it's going straight to voicemail. I sent him several texts asking him to please get in touch as I was getting worried, no reply. I called his mum incase he'd gone there to help her, lost track of time but she hadn't heard from him.
I don't know why but I got a horrible, sick feeling, I can't describe it.
I walked down away from the village, there's 3 ways to go to the supermarket and for some reason I chose one in particular. The road was closed because of an accident, recovery lorry was blocking the road, man wouldn't let me walk any further along. He sais it was a bad accident. I explained that fiance was missing, and asked him if the colour of the car was the same. He wouldn't tell ne.
I walked for a mile through fields, sat on a bench and called the hospital asking if he'd been admitted, they said no.
I called local police, explained the situation, gave all of his details including the car. They asked me again for his details, then for my address and numbers, and where I was. They told me to go home and an officer would come to talk to me.
I knew, I just somehow knew that he was gone.
Ran home, said to my brother about accident, police and that I think he's dead.
Police officer arrived, made sure that my brother was near, made me sit down and told me that my fiance had been killed in a head on collision with a bus. His mum, brother and his gf, arrived just as I was giving the officer her details. He told me not to say anything to her. Her wail of pure agony will stay with me forever. It will be four years ago at the end of this month.

It does happen. It may not seem like much but not responding when somebody is worried is awful. I'm now married, and dh always phones/texts as soon as he can to let me know he's arrived safely if he's travelled somewhere.

They can borrow somebody else's phone, or use a phonebox, regardless of anything else it's a bit of respect for you and simple common courtesy.

mangomadness · 18/06/2012 18:01

Wow, sorry for the long post. Used this as an outpouring of emotion. Sorry :(

LynetteScavo · 18/06/2012 18:07

mangomadness Shock Sad

AmazingBouncingFerret · 18/06/2012 18:11

oh mangomadness i'm so sorry you went through that. Sad

milkymocha · 18/06/2012 18:21

Sad iam sad to read that others do this too but somewhat comforted by it too Blush.

I have recently split with my partner mainly because of his excessive going out and lack of consideration for me and our children.

Do they ever change? x

akaemmafrost · 18/06/2012 18:22

milkymocha mine didn't but I am sure some do Smile.

akaemmafrost · 18/06/2012 18:26

mangomadness so sorry for your loss. You are right it's just horrendously selfish to leave people who love you hanging. As you say awful things can and do happen Sad.

AnyFucker · 18/06/2012 18:28

so sorry about that, mango

my best friend found out about her husband's death by that "knock on the door"

the one everyone dreads

these selfish men who can't be bothered to reassure their partners they are safe, and those that willingly and stupidly put their lives at risk because they can't help having that 3rd pint too many ?

shame on them

Portofino · 18/06/2012 18:28

mango Shock! I am so sorry for your loss! Sad Some probably will NEVER change - but one thing is certain - they will never try all the time we enable them and make excuses for them.

LeQueen · 18/06/2012 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LauraShigihara · 18/06/2012 19:00

I have real anxieties around drunk people because my father was a violent man when both drunk and hungover. Which was quite a lot of the time.

I spelled it out to DH right from the beginning that drunken stuff is something I won't tolerate and would be a deal-breaker. So, when he wants to go off and have a few beers with his friends, it's fine but it doesn't come home with him. He comes home with all his marbles intact or he stays elsewhere. And he has honoured that for the last thirty years, bless him.

I have friends who put up with all sorts of shit - turning out in the middle of the night to pick up lost, hurt or just generally rambling partners. And stories of throwing up or urinating in weird places - why would any adult want to get like that? In your own home?

My DH is a risk-taker also, so I can sympathise but even so...

Sorry to you mango that is a horrendous experience - you poor thing.

mcmooncup · 18/06/2012 19:14

My ex-DH used to regularly do this. One of the many reasons we split.

But since we split, he has admitted there were most often women, drugs and strip clubs involved. He said it to hurt me cos I chucked him out. It didn't hurt, just re-assured me of my decision.

Just throwing that in there as an answer to WTF they are doing til 4am question.

He was obviously out with other married men. All of whom are still together with their 'DW's'.

headfairy · 18/06/2012 19:45

they can change..

My dh was very similar to Hilly and LeQueen's dhs... once or twice a year he would go out, but he would get absolutely obliterated. I think part of the problem was that he didn't drink that often so wasn't used to it. But he'd get to the stage where he couldn't speak or even walk. I've been woken up at 2am with pleas to come and get him from an unknown tube station (it took me about an hour and Google earth to work it out), I've had him being dropped off by complete strangers, I've had him call me up when I've been away for work in a different continent when he's got lost in the middle of the night wandering back pissed from a party. Luckily no injuries or anything equally serious.

But things came to a peak after ds was born. I couldn't just jump in to the car and collect him from random parts of town. One night he came in when ds was tiny and collapsed on the bathroom floor in a puke covered tux and I just left him there. In the morning I stepped over him with ds and he was so humiliated at ds seeing him in that state (ds was only about 6 months old at this point so wouldn't have a clue, but it was a big thing for dh) that he changed his behaviour completely.

I'm not saying he doesn't get rat arsed once in a while, usually it's weddings when we're staying at the venue so at least I know he's not going to get run over coming home. But really now he's 41 and ds is old enough to understand these things, I think the shame has really made him rethink his behaviour. That and me telling him in no uncertain terms it couldn't go on.

LeQueen · 18/06/2012 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

headfairy · 18/06/2012 20:16

well that's it isn't it? The hangovers get harder and harder to deal with. That was another factor for dh too, he would lose whole weekends recovering. Precious time he could have spent with ds.

We've got another wedding coming up in October which promises to be a big affair. Lots of drink and a very late night. But the dcs won't be with us, I'll probably be joining him on the bender and we don't have to get up the next day :o

Portofino · 18/06/2012 20:20

Can't you socialise without getting so ratarsed you forget to come home though? I go out with friends regularly, as does dh. It's not about being boring, or having no social life.
I came home after a wine tasting night on Sat am with my knickers in my handbag Blush. Big difference was that dh knew exactly where I was, dd was on a sleepover, and I had packed a clean pair (and my toothbrush).

You are allowed to have FUN once you get married and have children. I just think it is unacceptable to be so totally inconsiderate. Be that once a year or every weekend.