Back in the sack

[Verminator]

I'll spare you all the gory details but I've recently become a dad. Babies arrival was more than a little traumatic and I am/was expecting it to take a while before we resumed "bedroom activities". We've talked about it and naturally Mrs Verminator is very anxious about getting back on it. However we still haven't even taken any small steps. She is even reluctant to kiss as she thinks this is going to lead to more. She has some confidence issues. I'm really not sure what to do or what advice I want. Just a little tired of being rebuffed. What is a reasonable time to wait?

Oh for heaven's sake, do you think we're completely stupid?

I predict this thread will be gone by 10 0'clock

Well, this is different.

Anyone else wondering who Mrs Verm is?

OP asks mn for help as dw is refusing him not wanting sex soon after the birth of their child.
Turns out that his pregnant wife starts an affair after her 12 week scan because her dh cried? She has the baby and still the affair continues because he does too much in relation to domestic duties & childcare? Therefore emasculating him as she see's it?

OP - have I surmised correctly?

This is the second thread in as many days that I've been reading that has imploded in a heap of weirdness

Running: 'MEN lose out more when babies are born? WTAF???'

OFFS. WHO said ANYTHING about MORE? That is YOUR projection and YOUR assumption.

Just take a deep breath, and try to stretch your tiny angry little minds to absorb this miniscule, very small, weeeny little PIECE OF REALITY:

as well as being a great joy, babies ALSO represent loss. It is a time of CHANGE which involves STRESS and LOSS. What Mr Verminator wrote is NOT ABNORMAL.

Jees. For supposedly intelligent (and you clearly are) women.... I do think some of you post drunk. These ridiculous diatribes happen more at night.

I can't imagine any woman of my acquaintanceship, real or virtual, who would come out with a line about her partner "degrading himself" by caring for his own child.

Projection much????

Actually, you said MOST, Abitwobbly: which is even worse

"You know, having babies changes the whole dynamic of everything. And the people who miss out the most, are MEN."

Which is the most ridiculous statement I have EVER read on MN.

Wobbly, I think you should apologise to Running as your assertion was clearly wrong. That's the beauty and the danger of the internet, anyone can go back and see who said what.

Offred He didn't he posted a poor little me post about his wife not dropping her pants quick enough after a traumatic birth.

That is only your interpretation of the OP.

He could have been posting to ask advice from women who have been through childbirth and the early years, asking them how long it took before they resumed sex. That was how I read it anyway. I may be wrong. But you also may be wrong.

That said, I agree with the majority who have posted since Verminator's last post in thinking that that last post is a load of utter make believe. Not a word of it rings true.

I find it very sad that anyone would describe the birth of a living baby as a 'loss'. A massive change, definitely, but surely not a loss. That makes me very and quite a bit .

Running I do apologise you were right I did write that. But your conclusion was not what I meant so my bad for loose argument.

You know, we here on MN are not exactly the greatest advert for functional relationships, are we? So WE have stuff to learn as well. Am I really the only, crazy person on this forum that acknowledges this?????? That maybe sometimes I need to shift my position to become more oriented in this world? OK.

Let me define what I was trying to say, more tightly:

When a baby is born, a triangle is created. It is normal, natural but it is still a triangle. And in this triangle, the primary bond that WAS between a man and a woman, has now become (again, normal), between a woman and a baby. And, as in all triangles, the person who has the primary bond supplanted feels loss, hurt and jealousy.

So: in this triangle, the person that loses out the most, is the man. Extrapolate all the tiredness etc etc etc that we have all lived through so don't remind me, of the consequences of the CHOICE to have a child. The person who loses his primary bond is the father.

So why do we sneer at his normal, natural feelings? Why? Why resist this concept, that man lose their wives when a baby is born. Temporarily, and it is the natural order of things, and it will come right, but why sneer?

I was feeling a bit sorry for you, OP. It's quite disappointing to want to stick up for the underdog, and then realise it isn't worth it

this is the weirdest I have come across... what is the OP on about?

Speaking from my own experiences, having our babies strengthened the bond between myself and OH. Our happiest years were when we were raising them. I really loved him for being so hands on and involved and I felt very much adored.

I think some men, usually those with issues do see having a baby as a loss simply because they are no longer being put first But that's not a reason for the mother to bend over backwards to accommodate these men.

Only selfish men would consider that a "loss". Most reasonable men would understand that it is a big upheaval and support their new family to the best of their ability.

MadAbout - quite! My dh is not superman, but he was bloody marvellous before and after I gave birth.

Ah but wobbly - it's down to both mum AND dad to work on their side of the triangle to restore the bond. And sometimes the best way to do that is to focus on how to be a supportive partner and parent. All the relationships have been reset - nothing will be as it was. That's not to say the new normal won't be better!