Back in the sack

[Verminator]

I'll spare you all the gory details but I've recently become a dad. Babies arrival was more than a little traumatic and I am/was expecting it to take a while before we resumed "bedroom activities". We've talked about it and naturally Mrs Verminator is very anxious about getting back on it. However we still haven't even taken any small steps. She is even reluctant to kiss as she thinks this is going to lead to more. She has some confidence issues. I'm really not sure what to do or what advice I want. Just a little tired of being rebuffed. What is a reasonable time to wait?

I never do post at the beginning of these kinds of thread, not brave enough to be the first to point out the obvious, but 9 times out of 10 they go the same way.

Man posts poor me, poor me subject matter.
Gets fairly reserved but often sympathetic responses.
Someone comes on and picks up on something in the OP or subsequent posts and asks an insightful question.
In thread row about how Men Always Get A Raw Deal On Mumsnet.
OP goes off on one at being questioned and shows true colours.
Posters who called bullshit or abuse usually proved right.

Makes me quite depressed really.

Plus ' loss' in motherhood is a topic with a lot of documentation. Particularly when considering postnatal depression.

Oh my goodness.

Having read the update what I was going to post seems redundant now.

I hope you are okay, OP, and you can get things sorted.

" The whole point is to make MOM bond with BABY - DAD comes last, sorry."

That is absolutely - without a doubt - one of the saddest posts I have ever read on Mumsnet. Do you really believe that Leonie? That a dad is last? In our family we are all equally important, and that's with a 4th dc on the way.

My relationship with DH is of fundamental importance to me, without it, I couldn't support the DCs as well as I do.

If we went the length of time some posters are suggesting - without resuming a sexual relationship, as a woman, I would want to leave the relationship myself. It's not the be all and end all, if there were medical reasons then yes. I don't just want to be "mum" and I say this as a long term breast feeder (3 years plus).

Your relationship with your partner also has to be worked on, by both parties.

OP - good luck - although I think this marriage is over.

Eh?

Shift -did you read his actual posts? He's not talking about feeling pushed out, he wants to get "back in the sack"... Even just that phrase as the title of the OP is so completely humiliating to his wife who is a regular poster on MN. Seriously if my DH had posted something like that about me on here during that period I honestly think I would have left him. You feel extremely vulnerable after birth.

So what's the last bit about with subarus and ill-fitting shirts?

I am lost now - was that a genuine last post from the OP?

Agree with whatnamethistime btw leonie. Bf hormones made no difference to me. What made a difference was being very exhausted, birth/pregnancy stress and feeling physically and emotionally subsumed by the babies. I used to cry everyday when my DH had a shower because this small piece of comfort (being clean) was not even available to me and if my DH had "taken an hour for myself" everyday after work and pestered for sex?! FFS...

What the jeff was the OP's last post about?? That has thrown me completely....

badtaste, I think the OP's wife has been sleeping with someone called Garry who drives a subaru imprezzo and wears ill-fitting shirts. I think..

No idea bad, and I've been here since the beginning of this thread. OP's last post was a whole bunch of incoherent babbling.

Don't think you'll be getting any any time soon just because the fact you say she recoils when you try to kiss and cuddle. Seems like she's not interested, she's got her "mummy" hat on. If the baby sleeps in your room she might be grossed out at the thought of the baby being there.

The first times always the hardest. My best advice is night away in nice hotel even if baby goes, different environment. Nice dinner, few wines.

Failing that there's always red tube LOL

Don't presume that I need to dig anywhere to know what sadness is. And your post is still one of the saddest I have ever read. Especially given the wider context of 4 years.

Your language is appalling. And it's not irresponsible to consider the whole family, including the husband. He too is capable of nurturing a newborn - breast feeding is not a Holy Grail that means a father can/should be excluded.

Am I the only one who thought the OP's last post was actually quite funny and indeed a joke...?

Wow Leonie. I think that might be a slightly defensive overreaction. I agree 3/6/9 months to a baby is their entire life, their whole existence but to a parent is a short space of time. But for some men, some women, some couples sex is how they express their feelings for each other. It brings them together, opens up channels for intimacy, passion, love. I'm now saying without sex you don't have these things but it's the whole different strokes thing. To me, four years of no sex because you are BF and your "baby" needs you is excessive, but to others may be normal. From his OP it's not just sex; she won't even kiss or cuddle him. Attacking someone because although the situation might be odd and he talks like a carry on film he would quite like to be intimate with his wife.

This whole thread is truly bizarre...

Not saying*

Leonie with your previous post I think you've missed the point. We're not talking about excluding a DH from his children. We're talking about excluding DH from HIS WIFE.

I have 2 DC's. I am still BF'ing co-sleeping 10 month old. I do majority of housework, childcare and all the cooking. I also work 12 hours a week. DH works long hours but does playtime, bath time & lots at weekends with DCs. We still manage to have sex regularly.

I genuinely mean this in the nicest possible way; if your DH has issues which mean he is not a very sexual person perhaps you are not in the best position to advise?

I would see this as invating my space. If dh posted here behind my back i would hate it. Very manipulative and suffocating imo.
Do you talk to her friends aswell behind her back?

I read the 'how long is it reasonable to wait?' (written on her forum and probably hoping that she reads it) as a manipulative warning/threat to her.