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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Back in the sack

286 replies

Verminator · 13/06/2012 13:19

I'll spare you all the gory details but I've recently become a dad. Babies arrival was more than a little traumatic and I am/was expecting it to take a while before we resumed "bedroom activities". We've talked about it and naturally Mrs Verminator is very anxious about getting back on it. However we still haven't even taken any small steps. She is even reluctant to kiss as she thinks this is going to lead to more. She has some confidence issues. I'm really not sure what to do or what advice I want. Just a little tired of being rebuffed. What is a reasonable time to wait?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/06/2012 23:25

there are quite a few male posters on here that I know would say, in response to this man, that he needs to put his arse away and stop complaining about the mother of his child on a forum that she herself uses

likeatonneofbricks · 13/06/2012 23:25

were's misogyny then, Portofino? not may posters on here see it, just a few (who tend to see it everywhere).
Abigail so if a woman came with same query (as they do) she d be acused of complaining? so how on earth to ask a question like this without it being seen as complaining? he's concerned and by the way he said very clearly that MrsV is keen 'to get back on track' or something like that, so actually it's a couple's question. But even if it was just him, he wanted constructive advice - as some posters said their (unreasonable) partners asked for it after 3 weeks! this was 3+ months and he wanted to know what's average - well what a crime.

likeatonneofbricks · 13/06/2012 23:27

no it's not 50-50 AF, the minority is just much more vocal as they are militant types Grin

AbigailAdams · 13/06/2012 23:28

Complaining isn't the issue likeatonneofbricks, we all do it. It is complaining about someone you are supposed to love on a forum that they are using. Nasty.

AnyFucker · 13/06/2012 23:30

maths was never my strong pint, tonne but I am seeing a fairly equal divide in opinion here

after the first few knee jerk "oh you poor lovely man!" posts, that is

AbigailAdams · 13/06/2012 23:34

Although complaining about someone not having sex with them after going through a traumatic birth and wanting to put a timescale when she will succumb to his obvious charms is a bit yeuch.

Portofino · 13/06/2012 23:34

". We've talked about it and naturally Mrs Verminator is very anxious about getting back on it. However we still haven't even taken any small steps. She is even reluctant to kiss as she thinks this is going to lead to more. She has some confidence issues. I'm really not sure what to do or what advice I want. Just a little tired of being rebuffed. What is a reasonable time to wait?"

Naturally Mrs V is gagging for it. Hmm Sounds to me like, as every mother of a new born, sex is the last thing she is worrying about. So OP has been given some totally appropriate advice - and now we have reached the "oh but men NEED sex" thing. They don't. They won't die, whilst their beloved wife recovers from childbirth. It is totally shocking that other women make excuses for vile male behaviour.

dev9aug · 13/06/2012 23:35

I don't normally post much on the thread, but I just could not resist.. I am a man. I agree that the op started off well but it just went downhill after he had a go at AF. That was uncalled for. What I really want to know is and this is a genuine question, why does his wife gets a preference over him re Mumsnet? It is an anon forum, surely it does not matter who posts what?

Rodea · 13/06/2012 23:36

I am not trying to excuse entitled behaviour,but I think the op has had some awful responses on thus thread.
Is it really not possible that this man has got a genuine question and wanted some advice,help,support?
Some posters gave him excellent advice and info about how his partner may be feeling when bf and he gave replies that said he was supportive of this and had a new understanding.
In my opinion he has a valid relationship question-how do you all know she reads the relationship boards anyway?she might just look at the bloody knitting or chicken keeping threads for all we know!mn is a big place

SoSad007 · 13/06/2012 23:38

So what I saw in the initial posts has been brought to bear by others. How interesting.....

The OP is asking for ideas on how he can control when his wife will have sex with him - these are the only posts he is interested in and deems as appropiate feedback. There were actually more posts that were saying "let your wife guide you on this" - these were roundly ignored.

Quite frankly I am glad this this entitled 'man' has been rolled.

AnyFucker · 13/06/2012 23:42

dev would you post about your wife/gf like this knowing it is fairly likely she will see it ?

answer that, and you get your clue about who should get "preference"

it would work the other way too...if a woman was openly complaining whilst being clear her male partner would see it

likeatonneofbricks · 13/06/2012 23:43

Portofino - I dont say anywhere that men need sex, certainly I don't think they can't survive a few months or a year whatever. But there aer plentu of women on here not happy with lack of sex in marriage (and lack of affection like cuddles etc), I never seperate men and women regarding sexual needs - it;s comletely individual. Posters on the thread said that so,metimes it takes 3 weeks for a woman to want intimacy (or two months etc) so it's hardly vile for hom to get conmcerned afetr 3+months - he's not exactly saying his life is meaningless and his wife is no good - is he?? he is just after an advice, whehter he gets it or not. what a crime,
Abigail - his wife doesb't need to know it's her H posting - there is not enough detail and many other threads like this (he was careful to say 3+ months not to out himself - I suspect it's at least 4).

AnyFucker · 13/06/2012 23:44

rodea "active conversations" is not such a a "big place" IMO

Portofino · 13/06/2012 23:47

dev, both parties are fully entitled to post on MN. I would imagine though, if Mrs V posts here a lot eg on pregnancy, childbirth and how to cope with a newborn, a post from her dh on when sex might resume could be seen as a little inappropriate, or even agressive if he thinks she might read it.

Rodea · 13/06/2012 23:50

AF-I dont use mn through active convos.
Maybe his partner doesnt,stop making assumptions about people you know nothing about.

Portofino · 13/06/2012 23:51

I was bleeding for 3 months after childbirth. My dh didn't spend that time worrying about when he could shag me next. We had a newborn baby and she was the focus of our attention. It was a wondrous time (though trying, I'll admit) Likeatonne, why do you not understand that what OP is asking is unreasonable itself?

dev9aug · 13/06/2012 23:53

Fair point AF & Porto.

AbigailAdams · 13/06/2012 23:56

Likeatonneofbricks, for me it isn't just whether his wife finds out (although it is a real possibility), it is a deliberate invasion of her space. It is a bit stalkerish and a bit controlling. I can't believe people are OK with him bringing up a private problem with other people in a space she uses. It is about boundaries and him crossing them.

AnyFucker · 13/06/2012 23:58

Rodea a lot of people do use Active Convo's to direct their MN'ing

A post partum woman, worried her husband seems to be getting whiny because she is too bashed up/sore/tired etc for sex sees something that makes her click....

AbigailAdams · 14/06/2012 00:00

If she finds out he's done this, how do you think she will feel? Perhaps she would feel what she thought was a safe, anonymous space is now a little less safe and a little less anonymous.

AnyFucker · 14/06/2012 00:03

OP do make sure you properly log out of Mn and clear your browsing history, won't you ?

There are more ways to come across a post on Mn than seeing a random post if you have a shared pc

AbigailAdams · 14/06/2012 00:04

Well quite AF.

Rodea · 14/06/2012 00:06

Maybe a lot of people do use active convos,but not everyone,maybe not his partner and how many women could have read his thread and thought' that could be me'?
He has given nothing that can identify him,he says the baby is over 3 months old-that's it.really how likely is the actual woman to identify this as her partner?almost impossible I think.
He has given no hint of pressuring her,he asked a question and has got his answer that he seemed to understand

AnyFucker · 14/06/2012 00:06

....and if your user name is any kind of wordplay on your occupation, get your thread deleted

likeatonneofbricks · 14/06/2012 00:08

but his question is hardly rare - why on earth would she think it was him? she may be only using Baby section anyway, but nobody knows who she is as a poster or who he is - some women would also appreciate (as a posater said on this thread) that her H is looking for advice rather than sulking and getting angry, he asked very tactfully. He also already got some info about bf hormones - surely this is helpfu;l to him AND to her ashe understand more now.

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