Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 6

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Do you think over time you could get to a place where you don't need their approval Olympic?

Sorry, god I do feel really self pitying, bleurgh. Sorry.

Lookup, so sorry you had a crap morning, I often feel the same way and cancel social events, it is really hard work.

Offred, thankyou, I have done the meltdown in public a few times, just tired of myself I think.

Cailin, hugs.

Dotty, hugs.

Hugs for everyone

It's ok to feel the way you do Olympic, I think we've all probably been there. I know I have.

Sorry xpost.

I know I only need my approval and I know I'm great and I know I'm moving forward.

I'd just like to have someone believe in me, maybe it's jealously I was never allowed to express. My twin got everything and I had to stand by and watch. You know, buying toys, activities etc.

I'm finding it hard not to stand back and let others first. Iyswim.

I always had to step back for my twin

Have you Cailin?

Yes, definitely. I recognise all of what you're saying - the feeling of being the wrong person, not fitting in etc. I had everything in the world going for me as a teenager and yet I just couldn't make it work, I couldn't do what others seemed to so easily. I have often felt like a freak, like other people have some secret to how life works that I've never learned.

Well I suppose I had everything going except any ounce of support or love :(

Did you make it back home ok Olympic? Can I ask what is your professional field?

And back to me, yet again, I recognise every.single.word of what you and Cailin have just said.

In fact, the more things are made out to be simple things in life - going out with friends, going shopping, doing this, doing that, the more complicated I seem to make it or find it.

Been out to the beach, in the rain with DCs, they love it for some reason. And doc waived my repeat prescription fee so I have another mths supply of meds. Happy pills are my lifesaver atm

That's hit the nail on the head :(

?

I think Olympic was responding to my last post Lookup.

How are you doing?

sorry

am lost/fed up/out of sync/flat, get like this too often

but DCs are behaving beautifully this afternoon, it is sooo quiet here

so that's good

just disappointed in myself and with the other females this morning. How am I supposed to get friendships going if it is such hard work? May look outside the 'mum' sphere for mates I think. Maybe try and join a drawing club or sthing.

Sorry Lookup, xposted, new media'ish tis googleable though

Hobbies are good but as I'm struggling with that too I'm not the best to give advice :o

Home safe now, ds helped me with the shopping off the bus and his mates ripped the pee for him pulling a polka dot shopping trolley thing, bless, big strapping trolley dolly.

Could you maybe meet one or two mums, I found that easier than group things. Or invite a load round for a bbq, get the wine going, laugh at the blokes cooking and kids playing?

glad u got back ok Olympic

yeah could do bbq thing once bloody weather improves

just I have this stupid fear of criticism or failure in sustaining friendships, females, always have ended up slagging me, bitching etc so I tend to give up easily, as I feel safer not bothering as I'm not exposing myself to that criticism

possibly relates back to my mother during my adolescene again, she was always criticising her friends behind their backs, my friends, sisters friends..grew up thinking everyone criticised, but really the good ones dont, but I just distance myself so much in the first place

eugh enough about me

we had our dinner at half four today lol hungry DCs and me, will be hungry again in an hour for toast & milk!

Yep, I'm the same but more that people are only joking they like me whilst preparing for me to fook up, it is my mothers way and not true really though.

I struggled at college being bullied and learnt to cover up by being a joker. If I take the pee out of me first it stops others being able to take the pee nastily.

I just think if people get close to me they're going to hurt me so I don't really trust much.

well Olympic, I recognise all that you have just said and at least in this way on here we all know where we're coming from - I mean it is some huge comfort to me that I'm not the only one who finds similar things difficult in life

so thanks so much

DCs about to get their shower now, have to go

My parents where the same always judging others behind their backs but nice as ninepence to their face SIL's the same she is a nasty piece of work figured if she did it about others she did it about us problem for her was what she said got back to me we got rid of a caravan was parked in car-park and bought brand new one 2 years ago went straight to storage she went around telling people Dotty must of sold it cause her and DB are in so much debt. [this is a single parent who relied on her mother for handouts not little ones either brand new car kitchen the lot we had reports off a friend of a screaming match between her and her mother she told her she didn't care cause she refused to give her money] btw nothing against single parents as a rule

I'm the same too but it actually was like that for me when I was younger. A group of girls tried to befriend me for fun, I invited them to my 15th birthday, none of them turned up on purpose. I can't be arsed on the whole with people generally but there are a few individuals (DH friend, my counsellor friend, another friend who is a councillor and the lady who was my doula with the twins) who I really like as people.

Offred whats a doula?

Have very few friends TBH trust very few people one who I'd got quite friendly with in the last couple of years my sil has wormed her way in with her so thats that screwed up now

Birth support. You pay them to support you during pregnancy, labour and after birth. So in pregnancy she helped me write a proper (no intervention) birth plan with the hospital, came and massaged me, talked through my worries and danced with me, then she massaged me and supported me during labour and then if you want she will come after the birth for breastfeeding support, emotional support, do cooking and cleaning for you but we didn't have money for that part more's the pity. They mother the mother. Very good for people who are stressed about medical intervention/hospital.

Wish I'd had that, no antenatal stuff as ex didn't want me mixing with other mums, no one listened in the labour ward when I told them the epidural wasn't working properly and then they stuck us in a little room "away from the proper mothers" :o I had the audacity to go and say hello though.

Doula's sound lovely, saying all that I did get a lot of help with bf'ing but still struggled with latching and gave up after 6 weeks as he lost too much weight :(

Wish I'd had that, no antenatal stuff as ex didn't want me mixing with other mums, no one listened in the labour ward when I told them the epidural wasn't working properly and then they stuck us in a little room "away from the proper mothers" :o I had the audacity to go and say hello though.

Doula's sound lovely, saying all that I did get a lot of help with bf'ing but still struggled with latching and gave up after 6 weeks as he lost too much weight :(

Whoops :o

I've been a single mum for 16years, worked, put myself through college, done oodles of voluntary stuff. Paid back anything I owe, taken any job I could, didn't have social housing until a year ago. Would love to have been married but doubt it's going to happen now.

I just couldn't have had an abortion, was a sahm when with my ex but he decided he didn't want to be a dad and fooked orf, never paid a penny either. Broke ds's heart as we found him and he told ds where to go.

Life's shit.

Offred, that's really shit about those girls. At school the popular girls just used to say "someone like me wouldn't understand what they're going through".