Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 6

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Have a lovely day Cailin and everyone, I'm out too and can just if I squint hard see the sun :o

Sooz, hugs for you all.

Sooz I think you just have to keep sending the message that she doesn't have to do anything for the time being, just heal, and that you will support her no matter what. Her feelings will be complicated - as you say, a mixture of anger, sadness, shame and fear. She will more than likely have days where she feels pretty ok, and then other days where she feels absolutely horrendous. As time goes on hopefully she will start to have more ok days and fewer horrendous ones.

Eventually she might feel up to counselling but for the time being she doesn't seem ready.

Agree with cailin. I was being assaulted by a boy at school regularly from age 11/12 and then publicly humiliated by him and his friends. I got very depressed, I told the school, they didn't do anything, think they may have told my parents but they didn't do anything either, plucked up courage to tell mum I thought I was depressed it was just dismissed "don't be silly, I work with people who are really depressed". I just couldn't cope, got more and more down, they were also being physically and emotionally abusive because I was rejecting their religion, I took GCSEs but then got kicked out of college for drinking and truanting. When I was not coping with school/college they used to scream and shout at me and punish me, it would often descend into a physical fight, I'd run away frequently. It trained me to accept abuse as normal. I was raped by my boss (21) when I was 17, bullied about being a prick tease when I broke down in work, was homeless during later teens, hanging out in bars trying to find places to stay, raped again by someone who though I owed them, got in a short relationship with a "lovely bloke" who was an alcoholic, lived with him for a while, he raped me fairly aggressively while he was drunk and passed out halfway through so I thought it was my fault, another time he threw me down the stairs and I left but ended up with xp who was emotionally, psychologically, financially and sexually abusive, had two dcs, the youngest who was the product of him raping me when I refused to have sex with him anymore. I have only really confronted all this in the last week and I'm very with my parents for being so dismissive and I'm really because if they had only handled how I was being bullied at the time maybe they could have saved me from the horrible things that happened after. They weren't willing to listen to me or support me, just put pressure on me to achieve things I couldn't and punished me when I didn't then abandoned me.

Well today can only get better just reversed into a fucking bollard just a craze but still DH say's he'll sort it bloody council no need for the things.

That's crap dotty!

That's really annoying dotty! I have had so many accidents like that

Offred, I'm quite glad to see that anger at your parents. I was worried that you were making excuses for them in previous posts. Is this anger new or is it something you've had all along?

New cailin. Don't want to speak to them right now which is awkward given that it is father's day on Sunday and they will be expecting me to do something for it.

Where has it come from?

From realising that I was regularly assaulted in school, that I told the school, that they spoke to my parents (don't know what they said) and no-one did anything other than punish and humiliate me. For. Years. The other stuff with the religion and my dad's volatility etc I already knew was bad and have confronted with them and still am dealing with and protecting my children from.

I always knew but had not really realised until this week. Lots of things now make sense, things I had told myself (that they told me) were just because I was "bad" and I now realise the reason why I am just killing myself and breaking my heart over trying and fighting to help other people all the time to an excessive degree is because I'm trying to undo how I was just abandoned as an adolescent.

Do you want to talk about it?

I was not achieving in school, drinking, not going to church, stealing money from them for drugs... They decided I was just bad, my mum talked about me all over town, humiliated me under the guise of "getting support", they "needed to think of the other children"... I genuinely believed that it was because I was bad not sad because that is what they told me. Believed that right up until this week and this last couple of years I have been putting so much into fighting cuts to children's centres etc, getting involved with community action groups etc and always trying to take care of everyone that needed any support that I have actually run myself and my family into the ground a few times.

What made you change your mind about them?

Basically when the bullying started I wouldn't wash or change my underwear and it was one of the things my mum would say around town, also to the family therapy people... I've never known why I did that before, it makes sense now.

Sorry xpost. I haven't changed my mind as such. I'm not making rash decisions. I have forgiven them for the physical abuse and been empowered the last few years after accepting they were abusive in dealing with them and maintaining a close and reasonably living relationship with at least my mum and two sisters. I'm mad just now and I need to think it through.

Are you going to visit them for Father's Day?

I think I will have to pop in to take a present but make excuses, which they will understand because they know DH struggles with them (my dad shouted and shouted right in my face over and over about our wedding and he has not forgotten and my mum winds him up with attention seeking behaviour that puts everyone out).

Sorry if this is a harsh question but I do wonder, why do you still maintain a relationship with them?

I am currently assessing that cailin. I do feel like things have changed but I want to consider it in peace. By co-incidence I have recently taken steps to withdraw from them because of my dad's temper and hoard. My mum has been ill and quite dependent on seeing me and the children. I'm not deciding right now, I think I need time to think about it.

That's fair enough Offred. I'm not saying you shouldn't maintain a relationship with them by the way. I still maintain a relationship with my parents, albeit on a very superficial level and it works fine.

Yes, don't worry! I'm just thinking it through in here really!

Got it. If it helps you could write out what you're thinking.

I think maybe distancing yourself for a while would help everyone not worth the stress.

Sounds like the fricking torch is here gawd.

Yes, would help DH and I, children are sad about not seeing "bad granny" on Sunday's anymore!

Is that what they say Offred.