Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 6

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

I think moving as far away as possible from the extended family/place it happened will be a massive help.

I'm so so sorry she has been through that and think she's doing amazing well.

How far away are you moving, can she change school or go to college?

She could also take a gap year, do a community challenge etc?

Night Cailin sleep well off to bed myself whacked.

I think she's also really suffering from the trail etc and needs a lot of support.

It's horrendous she's having to go through all this, could rape crisis help her?

So sorry for your health problems too.

I'm so sorry she went through that to be honest some of it is normal had one wonderful teen 6 weeks of hell at 13 she's almost 21 now and can say that was it other one has come through 16 but was a nightmare teen school trouble home ther lot she is now my rock.

I never spoke about it for nearly 30 years after it ended but didn't know it was abuse either she'll talk when ready I'm not always great to talk to but most of the time I'm ok I've got a possible trial at the end of year scares the crap out of me getting torn apart and I'm an adult can't imagine what she went through.

She won't talk to anyone about it at all. However she is reading a book called 'Rescuing the inner child', which I hope will help a bit.

We are moving only about 6 miles away but where we live is just rammed with his family and friends so it's been really crappy.

She's had a year 'off' school pretty much - not exactly what you'd call a gap year but if she went off travelling or working away or something she'd be 2 years behind but maybe you think she should just go back to education at a much later date would be a good idea??

I know she needs support but it is very difficult at times for me alone. I've been alone with them for 12 years now and I feel as if I can't 'give' any more at times now - esp as I'm not feeling A1 - waiting for result of spinal MRI and got told I have some pretty big fibroids which are stopping me peeing on and off now - hence the op needed. I have no family left except a sister who's about 300 miles away and is on the brink of separating!

Its tough when your alone I have DH but its not the same I reallly need my family.

When did he get prosecuted if you don't mind me asking?

The trial was 6-10 Feb this year and he was finally sentenced 9th May!

Very fresh then give her time she'll need it poor kid, I'm dreading if mine goes all the way. Just be there when shrs ready for talking tbh she might never talk to you but might eventually talk to others she'll have had to say so much for trial etc she could be wiped out.

I know you don't want her missing school but she may just be physically and mentally exhausted :(

It's so sad. The only consolation is she can go back to education when she's ready.

The ocd is probably her way of coping with the stress of it all, it's difficult but could be worse, I self harmed.

The stress will be getting to you too, understandably. It's an awful situation for all.

Inner child therapy helps as does ptsd and "pandoras" is a youth survivor site I think.

:(

I just worry about her SO much and she's SO stubborn too. She's decided that she wants it to go in the local papers just in case there's anyone else out there who may come forward or who needs protecting in future. The only problem is because there wasn't any press reporters in the court at the time she would have to give up her anonimity and give her name in the press now too. She wants to do it though.

I'm the one having counselling as I'm finding it very difficult getting pictures in my mind of what he was doing to her in our own home. It was my ex-partners son who was supposedly baby-sitting for both my daughters! He didn't go near the younger one. I can't bear to look at little girls of that age as it makes me think of all the horrible things that were going on. We've been really ostracised by the local people as his family have been here forever and know just about everybody. We're the ones that have been left feeling like the criminals!

She self-harmed too - i found out in the court room when I was on the stand his barrister let it out and then very quickly stopped questioning me!!

At the top of this page CailinDana has posted with links to threads 1,2,3 etc.

Click on thread 2 and it will take you to thread 2 where CailinDana has posted links to a lot of websites.

The links are in blue.

Do you have a summer holiday planned? it might just give you all time to get away and relax.

I'm a lone parent so know money may be tight but there are some lone parent holiday places which are cheap if you've nothing planned.

Have you asked her what she wants to do?

Sorry xposted.

What a shit barrister.

She is still legally protected and can keep her anonymity. She will be protected for life and can prosecute anyone who breaks that.

Who's told her she has to give her name?

Summer holiday would be ace but we're moving in 4 weeks and I'm possibly going to have my op soon so will be out of action 6 (?) weeks or so! She has no idea what she wants to do. She's really 'lost' her way now. She's kind of drifting doing dog-sitting for a friend, stewarding at the theatre where I work and sleeping on the sofa most nights!

The papers have said that they are not legally covered because they weren't in the court room for the trial or at sentencing and the only way to get his name published is for her to have hers published too!

It may seem like she's drifting but she is dealing with a lot.

She has had to go through a horrific trial, harassment from her community etc.

A lot of survivors suffer nightmares and can't sleep at night, I went through a stage of not sleeping at all because the nightmares of the abuse were horrendous.

Flashbacks are common too and can be visual/ emotional etc and it's like reliving the abuse.

Think of it as "cancer" iyswim, a lot of people struggle with mental health issues.

Soz off to bed now - thanks for all your support tonight. x

They're talking shite, she's protected by law for life.

If anyone prints her name without permission, she can sue and claim damages.

She does not have to be named, she has a right to remain anonimous.

That's what I was told as DC as already said it will hit the paper and his name will be published but not ours. Their talking oiut of their arses if you ask me they can use a psyedanom (sp) read up on plenty of historic cases and present ones online no victim is named unless waving their RIGHT to anoyminity ever.

I'm glad you found this thread Sooz.

It actually sounds to me like your daughter is doing quite well considering the circumstances. The trial was very recent and on top of that she has to put up with her abuser's family being close by. That is a huge amount of stress to suffer in one go. The fact that she's holding down a part time job is quite impressive really. I don't think I would be.

I was abused at around the same age as your daughter, and then again at a later age. It affected the whole of my teenage years but I didn't realise that until I started talking about it when I was 19. At that stage I didn't really deal with it and it continued to affect me until I confronted it again when I was about 26. At that stage I ended up having a breakdown and was in bed for two months. To be honest, nearly 4 years later, I'm still not fully recovered from that. My life is going very well, I'm a SAHM to a wonderful son and I have a great husband, but I suppose it's like I'm suffering the aftermath of a bad accident - I have to take it easy and not push myself as any extra stress can send me tumbling again. I don't know if I'll always be like this or if one day I will get my old strength back.

The only reason I rambled on about all that is to illustrate the huge toll dealing with something like this can take on your life. I'm not saying your daughter will never be better but I think it will take time and you need to give her as much space as you can. If you pressure her, then either she will pretend to be ok in order to please you and will end up having to go through all this again at a later age, or she will become very angry and push you away. It is much better that she goes through this healing period now, when she is young, than later when she has more responsibilities.

I know it must be incredibly stressful for you, particularly as you are not well.

When you say she is "stubborn" what do you mean?

Agree with cailin, amazed she can manage a job. She won't get to uni before the fees change anyway, she could do open uni (no admission requirements and starter courses) later and not be too far behind. Think she probably just needs a rest.

morning all,

hi Sooz, sending you a coffee and a hug

I just agree with Offred, Cailin and everyone here, it sounds like she has hit a brick wall emotionally etc is trying to finding her way.

(Uni isnt what it's cracked up to be anyhow, I never thought it should be pushed onto 18yr olds, I myself felt hopeless, depressed and lost during my time there, but now, at 33, I would go back and do it, as only now do I feel ready)

I guess I'm saying that sometimes it's good to have someone tell you it's ok not to have to do stuff, so if she gets that message from you, that will be so much support for her atm

I was abused aged 12, spent my teenage years homeless, crashed through my 20's, had a breakdown at 28, I'm now 34 and only just getting back on my feet.

Being a survivor is difficult and the more healing she does now the better her future will be.

Dotty, I really do not want to read about IT so I'm going to avoid newspapers, hugs.

How are you guys doing, Offred, Lookup, and Olympic?

The sun is shining here so I should be out in the park with DS but I'm waiting for a Tesco delivery. Once that's here, we're off out.

Just had a quick peep before work and all your messages are much appreciated. I really do need to think about her more and 'back off'. I guess in the past when I've had to deal with 'big stuff' like my Mum dying at age 18, rape at 21 and REALLY shitty divorce across 2 continents I've just HAD to soldier on and pretty much managed it but I think it's taken it's toll on me more than I care to admit and it's that I just can't imagine what it's been like for her at all - living with it for SO long without telling anyone and the fact that she was MASSIVELY MASSIVELY brave during the whole court trial etc. I worry that she can't cry AT ALL - not once over this whole sorry story. I guess I'm hoping that she'd let it all out somehow and not try to deal with it all alone. Maybe she thinks if she talks about it it'll be too awful or she just feels ashamed.

She IS angry and I just wish I could give her her childhood back. I want the very best of everything for her and I feel powerless that I can't give it to her. ONly she can do that.

Thank you for helping me understand just HOW much she is dealing with from your own perspectives. I will be here for her always. I am just her worried parent - that's all. She will always have my love unconditionally. It's just not so easy sometimes.

Off to work. Speak again later. Thanks again for putting me straight.