Am I being paranoid or could he be having an affair?

[MusicForTheMasses]

I think my husband may be having an affair. There are a number of reasons but nothing I can pinpoint. He had a promotion a few months ago and has started staying away from home on business trips, even though I am sure the person doing the job prior to him never did.

I can feel the distance between us and am always on edge. Partly I think (hope) it could be stress from his new job, but I don't think so.

I've noticed him texting a lot more these days (though not significantly, he has never really done this). I did something I thought I would never do earlier today and checked his phone, all his messages on there have been deleted both incoming and ougoing! He's a technophobe and theres a bit of me that thinks that deleting all his messages would be the only way he knows how to get rid of any incriminating ones.

I've noticed him having real hugs with the kids, not that he was ever a bad Dad but it's just as though he's making up for something.

I don't feel I can talk to someone IRL about this as to do it would be to admit something was wrong. We've just come back from holiday and should feel closer than ever, but I don't.

Hope you're ok today Music, we're all here whenever you're feeling a bit low. There will still be lots of ups and downs but they will gradually become more like gentle undulations instead of peaks and troughs!

MOS, its so hard when your stomach's in knots, but please do try to eat, you don't want to let him ruin your health on top of everything. You need to talk to the children, if he's at work a lot anyway, they probably won't notice a huge difference (mine haven't - DS2 asked on the way home from school if H was home from work the other day, and I had to remind him that he didn't live here anymore!!)

They will have their ups and downs too, but nothing like what you are going through I promise.

I think we should all get a punchbag and get in training just in case - you're my hero!

I just want to say that if you were my RL mates I'd be taking you out for a cuppa and a slice of cake (both of you, Music and MOS) - and not in a commiseration-style either, but to celebrate the fact that you are being brave, strong, and doing something great for your families.

So please be as nice to yourselves as you know your friends would be to you, and eat something.

[MN-style hugs] I should write something supportive but I can't cope with the idea of you not taking care of yourselves and eating - it's making me all bossy! Sorry!

Music, have you been on the EA thread no. 9? (I can't remember where I've seen everyone as I'm all sorts of FW STBXH threads at the mo!) The EA stuff is quite specific and if that's the case you may find that normal advice which works for other separating couples doesn't really work for you when trying to detach from someone who has had a strong hold over you for years.

No face to face contact seems to be a big thing, which for others is seen as a bit extreme and unnecessary. For me I have found it a life saver, as it stops me from having the opportunity to interact (I always come out of it worse) and doesn't give him any more ammunition to prove how 'over-emotional and unhinged' I am. I do still email him about the DCs arrangements and the business, but hopefully that will tail off a bit once things settle down and I keep it very brief and factual (not my strong suit verbally!)

I certainly feel stronger out of the shadow of my ex, the EA was quite subtle, but damaging nonetheless.

STBXH said to be 'you know what your entitled to' and I do, but he thinks I'm entitled to a LOT less than I am. He's going to have a shock finding out.

[evil laugh]

Blackcurrant aw, love you. I am very blessed to have a lot more friends than I actually realised. People have been really lovely to me. I've talked to a lot of people, a) it makes it easier and b) I'd rather them here it from me than through gossip. I am starting to eat more now, but still no real appetite. I'm a woman who always turns to food. I think this is the first time I have ever gone off eating lol.

I will go on the EA thread Doing I keep realising things and putting the pieces together to see how I was manipulated in the past. But no more!

PooPoo I know lol. He seems to think I'm trying to do him over by asking him to complete the financial disclosure. He doesn't realise it's a requirement, he will do when he gets the divorce papers I assume.

Had a much better day today! Have kept busy with the kids all day and feel great. Even tidying the house, bloody hell, maybe I'm ill?!

Love to you all, you are my saviours!

It's hit my older DC this morning and he was very upset, crying. I've sent him into school feeling like a horrible person. Texted STBXH to tell him and got the reply 'OK' - the bastard.

On the plus side, got my copy of the divorce papers from the Court so it's all starting. Lets get the low life out of my life.

Yes my ExH didn't seem to take it on board how disturbed my DD was at his absence at the time. That made me very angry

Same here. I tried to tell my STBXH how DD was, very upset, crying at the drop of a hat etc, but just got accused of emotional blackmail! Then after he left he asked if I felt like I had bonded with her now! WTF?! Yes she was a daddys girl, but of course I bloody bonded with her, from the second she was born.. IDIOT!

Same here! DD went to see the school 'learning mentor' (counsellor) for a session today, but if I tell H he will think I'm trying to make him feel bad or turn it around so that its my fault she's upset.

I was going to leave the drawings she did in her school bag for him to see, but one of the things she mentioned on them was that she sees mummy crying sometimes and it upsets her :-( I wouldn't mind, but I haven't cried near her for weeks, thought I was doing really well!

Think it definitely hits older ones harder though Music. DS1 has had a tough time, but now seems to be quite ok with it all. Yours will be fine too x

I hate STBXH! Another morning of older DC crying and not wanting to go to school. Younger DC was crying last night and came to sleep with me. Hate him. Tosser.

He phoned last night and had the DC laughing.He'll have his 2 hours with them tonight and then I'll have to pick up the pieces. Hate him.

Do they know he has an OW Music?

You are doing really well. Are you spoiling yourself at all? Some new clothes, make up etc. These little things helped me, doesn't take the pain away but it's faking it until you make it. Interesting report in Psycholgies magazine this month which basically says telling someone to think differently doesn't work but doing the action eg smiling even when you don't feel like will eventually make you happy IYSWIM. Acting calm and serene even when you feel like punching someone etc (btw I also punched my DH too when he upped and left ).

Best wishes

Agree with acting happy - it also makes people treat you differently. I went to school the other morning with no make up on and people kept being really sympathetic and giving me a hug and insisting if there was anything I needed to call them etc. as I must have looked so bad! Today I went it all made up, with crazy curly hair and a funky new t-shirt and they all said "ooh you look better today - everything OK?" in bright breezy voices.

Being surrounded by people who confirm your happiness will help you to feel happy, so put on a brave face, adopt a happy posture and you will feel better and be treated like a strong brave woman instead of a depressed victim (even though it feels more like that sometimes )

Don't worry doing, other than the beginning of last week, I'm actually very happy other than the odd 'moment' - I've decided I've wasted enough tears on a man who could do that to me and his children. I'm looking forward to my new life, I only have me and my kids to answer to. My parents are paying for a hotel and I'm taking the kids away for a couple of days at the start of the holidays with some school friends of theirs (parents are friends of mine too).That would be no different from normal as he wouldn't have come away with us like that anyway.

I like the idea of spoiling myself counting - just trying to watch the money at the moment as I've had to put a few things on my credit card. Just want to get straight then I'll look after me a bit more. I DO need to get some more trousers though as I only have a couple of pairs that fit me since I've lost all this weight lol. Another 3lbs this week. x

I agree with the "fake it til you feel it" philosophy.

It has been proved that smiling, even if you dont feel like it, has a positive effect on your mood and outlook. I have had to use it quite alot over the last year and it does help. I am slightly embarrassed to admit this but pulling faces in the mirror and talking to myself to make myself laugh helped too

You are doing really well, and dont forget that you are the winner here, you are free of a nasty cheating shithead.

I bought some new clothes too, my trousers are all hanging off me and in Saturday I went out in a pair of trousers three sizes smaller! :-)

Still want to kill my STBXH but I'm looking better.

My DD came in with me for the odd night when he first left, I think it's for security, they need to know that you are still there.

Oh and being happy smiley you, with your new slimmer look will leave him wondering WTF is going on

Instead of a sobbing heap of desperation that he is expecting, he is faced with a happy confident beautiful woman who doesnt miss him at all and that'll really screw with his mind!

I used to want to hurt my ExH when the children cried whenever he left after a visit or cried about missing him inbetween. It made me so so angry. I was left to try and make things better after he'd been, whilst he'd swan off back to his OW

I think I would have looked at accessing some child psychotherapy for my kids if they'd been older, when it first happened. I had some counselling at the time that was very beneficial though. A good friend said to me a while ago that "it?s very easy, these platitudes about children coping, being great copers, being really resilient and as long as they?re not talking about it, they must be fine, they seem fine but in fact just because they?re not talking about it, doesn?t mean they?re not a seething mass underneath it all and I think unless the children are given all the opportunity to deal with these emotions very early on, all they do is take them through into adulthood and their own future relationships." I thought that was very wise, her children were in school when her marriage ended.

My DD seems to go through a process of taking it out looking at it, processing what she can understand and then she puts it away in a box and then 6 months later she gets it out again and revisits it all and processes it a bit more. I have to try and give her the time to talk about it. She is getting quite angry about it all at the moment and exhibiting some quite troubling behaviour, she was only 2.3 years old when we separated and is now 4.11 years. So despite people saying it was a good thing it happened when she was young, I'm actually finding right now that a lot is coming to the surface and she is really struggling with it all It's very hard. My heart breaks even now for her.

How are you feeling today Music? As the others said, are you doing nice things for you?

Thanks bogeyface I'm going to make sure there are no tears whenever I see him from now on. It's his loss not mine, as a friend said, she always felt he was 'punching above his weight' when he got with me. :o

Sky yeh to smaller trousers! xx

Took me so long to type my message, I've cross posted with lots of people

Just read your post Don't - I'm doing OK today thanks, think DS is trying it on a little bit to try and get out of school. Don't blame him, but he IS going. Didn't need to go in today so have just been to the gym with my friend and feel great. Will go again at the weekend when he takes the kids out. I've already asked the Dr to refer DS for some counselling as I know there will be a waiting list.

I'm still in a 'practical' phase at the moment but am aware I need to do some things for me now. I never had chance before. x

Just found the OWs DH on facebook, so have messaged him to see how he's coping.

Oh that is very kind of you. This is when you discover she's told him a pack of lies and he thinks he'll work things out with her.

I cannot remember how much he knows. I have a memory of a goldfish It's somewhere down thread.

I hope he replies then we can compare notes, knowledge is power and all that!

One of my many faults was being on FB, funny how she is on there too. Wonder if he'll try and ban her from going on there. She's obviously been looking at me because when I typed her name her smarmy face popped up straight away even though there are lots of people with her name about.

music that is so nice of you. I'm so tempted to find the OW's DH on FB and send him a message as I don't think he knows. Part of me however feels that really mean to hurt him the way I've been hurt but why should the bitch get away with it?

Yay to weight loss, I've lost 7lbs since last Wednesday!

I thought if you have mutual friends they were top of the list. I'd block her tbh. So she can never see anything to do with you.