Am I being paranoid or could he be having an affair?

[MusicForTheMasses]

I think my husband may be having an affair. There are a number of reasons but nothing I can pinpoint. He had a promotion a few months ago and has started staying away from home on business trips, even though I am sure the person doing the job prior to him never did.

I can feel the distance between us and am always on edge. Partly I think (hope) it could be stress from his new job, but I don't think so.

I've noticed him texting a lot more these days (though not significantly, he has never really done this). I did something I thought I would never do earlier today and checked his phone, all his messages on there have been deleted both incoming and ougoing! He's a technophobe and theres a bit of me that thinks that deleting all his messages would be the only way he knows how to get rid of any incriminating ones.

I've noticed him having real hugs with the kids, not that he was ever a bad Dad but it's just as though he's making up for something.

I don't feel I can talk to someone IRL about this as to do it would be to admit something was wrong. We've just come back from holiday and should feel closer than ever, but I don't.

I'm hi-jacking the thread slightly but I needed to be CRB checked for something and they wanted to see my marriage certificate as it was best practice. I have chosen to keep my married name as the effort of changing it was too much for me and the kids would have found it confusing being young. So apparently it was best practise to see the certificate, when I tried to explain that the divorce documentation was sufficient to prove my name, as was my passport etc. They refused to go further with the CRB Their loss as I was only volunteering to help with the childcare in Sunday school and they were short staffed.

There's no use hanging about. He's made his decision and my life can't really carry on until I know where I stand with the house and kids. It's empowering to know I've made the decision though and I'm sure he'll be shocked that I've got things moving so quickly. Got to be worth it for that alone. I can see her dragging her divorce, how unfortunate it would be if it cause trouble between the two of them!

Music - well done. A lot of people including STBXH have said that I'm rushing into my divorce, but I need to protect myself financially and keep the house.

If its over, it's over. What's the point in hanging around? Even if he changed his mind and came back I wouldn't want him now anyway so best to get on with it.

Plus Legal Aid ends next April!

And my solicitor said hit him while he is feeling guilty as he is more likely to agree to everything!

Skyeblue my solicitor said exactly the same.

I'm thinking that I might need to get on with mine then. We both agreed not to get solicitors involved as we don't want to waste money but how else do I find out what I'm entitled to - is it just a matter of agreeing between us as if that's likely to happen ?

Doing it depends on whether you are 100% about his assets, including pension, savings, earnings, property etc.

Sometimes a solicitor can be worth far more to you than they cost. Might be worth taking your paper work along for your free half and hour and see what they say.

Thanks bogey, he only really has this house (joint names, although as a sahm I haven't really contributed financially), although it was my DM's inheritance that we used as payment for around 33% of it, the rest is mortgaged. He has a piddly pension, but no other assets, so nothing hidden anywhere I'm sure - we nearly went bankrupt before my DM died so I know there's nothing elsewhere.

Would feel guilty seeing a solicitor as we both agreed not to when we first split up as I was paranoid he would be trying to find the best way to fleece me. As he is being reasonable wrt maintenance I don't want to rock the boat, but like others, I feel like its over, why not just admit it officially and get on with it so I know where I stand financially for the future, especially before the guilt wears off.

He is a higher rate tax payer, so has the potential to earn well until he retires, but as he's still subsidising me I can't really use that as leverage to get more out of the house without making him resentful and possibly changing his mind on maintenance.

Sorry for divorce hi-jack Music!

Well I would want my 33% back plus 50% of the value of the house after that 33% has been taken out. And as a SAHM you may be entitled to spousal maintenance aswell as money for the DC, as you being at home has allowed him to follow his career unhindered.

It might be worth paying for a consultation with a solicitor to make sure you are asking for the right things, and then proceed on your own. Ime the minute solicitors get involved even the most amicable divorce turns nasty, so maybe pay for their advice but actually approach him and file the paperwork yourself.

Doing, DO NOT get divorced without legal advice, please! This is a huge mistake.

My friend agree to this: only to find out afterwards that he had been salting ££££ away. Although he was a deadbeat when she m him, he ended up buying her out of HER HOUSE and she has not seen any of his pension.

I agree, get legal advice. You can have a DIY mortgage but you still need to know your rights.

As I have found out to my cost, even though I bought a third if the property with proceeds from last house, the fact we own it 50/50 means that legally he is entitled to half.... I have to hope that morally he will do the right thing . Solicitor reckons he should get maybe a third if the equity rather than half.

Slightly different for you though as they usually award larger share to wife due to bringing up the children.

Hey Music - look how far you have come in less than a month. Bloody well done!!

Skyblue is right.

When I contemplated divorce last year, it turned out that despite the fact I had contributed the only down payment on our house and all costs (I was the one with a previous property), and that I had earned three times his income for most of our marriage (until 4 years ago, out of 22 years), and his continued infidelity, that all those facts were considered 'historical'- it would still likely go 50/50. The only change depended on where the children wanted to live.

They couldn't take into account his almost certain future inheritance and my very certain lack of one, either, as that was just projection, or gossip, in legal terms.

I didn't even bother to mention that all spare spending went on the house (hence equity) and that his went on himself. It wouldn't have counted.

We have paid off £15000 equity in 6 years so that's as much as I think my H should get plus I paid his loan of £8000 off so I want to offer him £10000.... I just have to hope he accepts.....

Sorry for detailing thread Music !

I am getting legal advice even though I am doing it DIY - friends in high places and all that, nudge nudge, wink wink. I agree with them though Doing I've had advice from non-legal friends that is rubbish. STBXH said to be 'you know what your entitled to' and I do, but he thinks I'm entitled to a LOT less than I am. He's going to have a shock finding out.

Sounds like you are a very strong lady Music and you should be very proud of the way you've behaved.
I started reading your thread first thing this morning and have only just finished it. In between, alarm bells were ringing for me so since this morning, I've confronted my husband, he has admitted his affair (allegedly now finished) he has come from from work, I have screamed and shouted, given him (a rather good!) right hook and thrown him out.
I had had suspicions for such a long time and feel sick that I know the worst and our marriage is over but at least I know and can deal with it.

I hope I can be as strong as you have been over the coming weeks and months.

MOS big hugs to you. I don't think I would have been as strong without MN and the support I've had on here, even the difficult questions made me stronger.

My court and legal fees cost me £10k approx. My additional settlement (received £200k on separation two years earlier in an arrangement between me and exH), which I only got because I pursued the court route, was £120k.

Money well spent, I think.

MOS, sending you strength.

Well done MOS! It will be hard, there's not doubt, but it will be so worth it to be rid of the tosser. Hugs to you xx

I am VERY impressed by your right hook, MOS!
Do lean on mumsnet - and tell RL as soon as you can say the words clearly.
Gin, chocolate and bubble baths are all in order.

Music, I am rather in love with you! Remember to eat :)

music I have lurked on your thread with mounting horror for you, that morphed into admiration, and is now open jubilant cheering. I know it's not all over or anything but you are so bloody impressive. Cheers to you!

MOS good luck. People are pretty helpful on here, start a thread if you need handholding, venting space, whatever. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You remember to eat as well!

Thanks for the kind comments everyone. I feel a bit embarrassed about punching him, I'm not normally a violent person but I just lost control. He was almost smug about it, in no way came across as being embarrassed/guilty/upset, just annoyed he got caught. My teenager daughter actually heard him say he thought he'd got away with it.

I think the last few months at the gym with a personal trainer certainly paid off. We were boxing earlier this week and I have to say that 'you fat bastard' was far more satisfactory than the normal 'left right left' I know I'm putting on a brave face at the moment but know I will be gutted later and the tears will come and not stop for a very long time. I loved him so much. I now have to find a way to tell DD aged 5 and DS aged 3 that daddy isn't coming home

Thanks all. MOS I made need some training to punch hard lol.

Had a bit of a cry first thing, lots of reasons why but just realised I'm all on my own now. I know I'll get used to it but it hurt a bit this morning.

He's moving into the love nest today so has collected some stuff and it taking the kids out to the cinema. I'm trying to be sweetness and light (if only to play with their minds!) but it's difficult lol.

(((hugs))) to Music. I'm finding it hard to put on the happy face for the kids. They asked this morning where daddy was and I said at work but not sure how long I can use that excuse.

I went to gym to try to distract myself, did a good workout then sat and sobbed in the car. Kids party at 2pm so another distraction. Feel so sick and can't eat anything which isn't good as I'm a recently diagnosed diabetic so not sure how that will affect things/medication etc. Feel so very lonely but have to put on a brave face DC1s birthday tomorrow and need to be all jolly for that.

MOS - Tinned rice pudding? Tinned soup. Mashed potatoes with lashings of butter. Cocoa made without sugar. Banana? Eat food! Drink liquids!

It's starting to occur to me that he was EA to me through the years. I can finally see my life more clearly and yes, I am better on my own.