Am I being paranoid or could he be having an affair?

[MusicForTheMasses]

I think my husband may be having an affair. There are a number of reasons but nothing I can pinpoint. He had a promotion a few months ago and has started staying away from home on business trips, even though I am sure the person doing the job prior to him never did.

I can feel the distance between us and am always on edge. Partly I think (hope) it could be stress from his new job, but I don't think so.

I've noticed him texting a lot more these days (though not significantly, he has never really done this). I did something I thought I would never do earlier today and checked his phone, all his messages on there have been deleted both incoming and ougoing! He's a technophobe and theres a bit of me that thinks that deleting all his messages would be the only way he knows how to get rid of any incriminating ones.

I've noticed him having real hugs with the kids, not that he was ever a bad Dad but it's just as though he's making up for something.

I don't feel I can talk to someone IRL about this as to do it would be to admit something was wrong. We've just come back from holiday and should feel closer than ever, but I don't.

I lost loads on the STBX diet too, marvellous to have a bit of a bonus for all the fucking stress eh?

Music good for you for making it to 8.15!! I remember the first time I didn't cry all day....felt I'd turned a real corner!

Onwards & Upwards ladies.

Yes I called it the divorce diet

You're doing really well and are making some good choices in what is a very trying time x

Me too, lost about half a stone in the first 2 weeks, but stbxh took the scales as he is obsessed with his body/weight (mid-life crisis much?!), so don't know what it is now!

Music, I've only just clicked on your thread and thought from the very first page that it didn't sound promising, so sad that your suspicions were right, but it just shows that your intuition is spot on, you can always trust yourself and your gut feeling. Will read all of it later but for now sending you love and strength. x

A whole day and I've not cried once. I'm not bloody well going to now either. Very proud of myself. Even had a face-to-face sensible conversation with STBXH. When I saw him I just felt indifference which is a big, big step.

Oh music. So sorry

Have been having in a similar place for the last week. i'd give you a hug if I was there.

Indifference is the right direction, you are brilliant! Keep it up :)

You ARE bloody amazing!

I'm so pleased your friend's helping you with the divorce. Keep strong friends around you, Music, and remember to keep yourself healthy! It's better to eat chocolate than nothing, you're going to burn off loads of calories in emotional energy.

I agree it's wise to instigate separate parenting as quickly & cleanly as possible. Messy transitions won't do the kids any good - as you know, what matters is that they feel able to talk openly.

Your stepdaughter sounds ace :)

I am aiming for indifference. at the moment I want to punch STBXH in the face (and Im not a violent person), so am not seeing him or speaking to him to avoid an assault charge

Music well done you, that's a BIG corner turned & indifference is good you are stepping back & disengaging which can only be healthy!

SBS I'll hold yer coat & say you were provoked terribly.

Indifference is brilliant Music. I'm working on that one, but I'm more along Skye's lines at the moment . I went through indifference, out the other side to hatred and pity and every other negative emotion you can imagine, but I think I'm nearly back where I need to be!

Forgot to say well done earlier!

bossy thanks

LOL SBS, I could go for a bit of punching but I may not aim for the face!

Have had lots of support from my stepdaughter Garlic Had a lovely message from support last night from his first EW! I've always got on with her but didn't expect that.

Thank you all and I'm sorry if I don't respond to you individually but I want you to know that I do appreciate all you kid words and that they are really really helping me to get the strength to stay strong.

Back from the Dr's where I had the joy of getting tested for Chlamydia and Gonorrhoea which is about all they could offer. I'll see what the results of these are before I decide about going to the GUM clinic. Happy days lol.

Still no crying and have just had a conversation with him on the phone about finances and that went OK. Polite and distant all the way.

I'm very impressed Music. I was wallowing about in pyjamas still at this stage. You will still have moments of crying and it all coming to the surface but they will lessen.

Didn't manage 2 days of non crying. Got upset when one of the DC declared they don;t want to go to their club as they used to love Dad picking them up from it. Then bawled when I told the next door neighbour.

They are moving into their lovenest on Saturday.

Oh are they moving in together? I didn't realise that. That is a very hard stage.

I suspect your guilt-o-meter is running high tonight after the tears. So I'm sending you a lot of love. Every step forward is hard right now but it will get easier.

It was the anger at what my H had done to the kids that made me the most cross at the time. I cared less about me

"It was the anger at what my H had done to the kids that made me the most cross at the time. I cared less about me"

Oh Dont that is it exactly. I will never ever forgive or forget telling the kids.

Same here Music & Dontstep. That's what makes moving on the hardest isn't it. We can accept that we are better off without a man like that in our life, but the DCs still have to have a relationship with someone who didn't put their happiness at the top of his list.

I think managing a single day without tears is a huge achievement, especially when it all seems to be moving so swiftly for him, so don't feel bad Music. Polite and distant is exactly what you need in front of him, but in private you are allowed to be upset you know, as are your DCs.

My little DD has been ok so far (3 weeks) but came downstairs this evening after she'd been tucked in, crying because Daddy doesn't live here any more :-( I don't want to tell him because I don't want him to have the satisfaction of being missed. He should be aware of the damage he has caused, but he would only blame me anyway, as it was me that told him to leave when I could no longer put up with his selfishness and cruelty to us all.

It will get better for us all....

He's such an idiot!

Hugs all round! I told STBXH this week that I will never ever forgive him for walking out on his daughter. These men are all the bloody same.

music it must be hard to go through this next stage, :(

doingit it's early days , my daughter was bad for several weeks , and used to make me cry every time she cried about missing him as I just wanted him back too, but now I'm stronger it doesn't set me off .

And three months on she is quite settled and seems to accept her new life, although she does tell everybody she meets that daddy went to live somewhere else!

It will get easier. I had an old school friend round tonight and her XH raped her, tried to strangle her, controlled her totally and was totally abusive to her both physically and emotionally.

I should think myself lucky really......

I call it the shock and grief diet.

Music, you are doing so well. The fact that he is doing this AGAIN, to more children just shows that his issues are within him, and he is looking for the external fix, the 'perfect woman'. What happened to this man in his childhood?

I wonder what they say to eachother, to justify it. Moments like the children finding out should be filmed. It is burnt into your traumatised brain, but she will never know.

However, I was listening to Mitch Winehouse on radio 4 yesterday, in a bit of masterful interviewing by Jenny Murray.

Amy's parents divorced when she was 10. He was asked about a song Amy wrote at 16 ['what is it about men'?] where she sings about a lot of crap women take, like her mum.

Mitch: my wife [Jane] Amy loved. They got on really well, she was like a second mother to her.
Jenny: do you think she was more affected than you thought.
Mitch: [no she was as happy, she was fine]
And he is now working in her memory, is an all round good dad and promoting himself as a musician.

You cannot break through denial that doesn't want to be broken through.

But Music, kids can survive a lot, as long as their feelings are acknowledged and they are given the love and comfort to have them, and work them through. It is not the traumatic event that hurts a child, but the being forbidden to voice the grief/rage/sadness etc.

Totally agree Wobbly. Children feeling that they are 'allowed' to say they miss the other parent or feeling free to confess that they don't want to upset you by spending time with him, just getting those things off their chests helps them to accept the new situation. Being reassured that its not their job to look after us, is a big weight off them and allows them to still be a child and still have valid feelings about the situation without any guilt, which has to be a healthy way to deal with any big change.

Submitted the divorce papers. Went a bit wobbly when I realised they had taken my wedding certificate.

It could only happen to me though, the payement machine bloody broke on me lol. They are processing them though and charging to my card tomorrow when they have a replacement machine lol.

Yes submitting the papers is a big step. I felt ill as I did it and needed some hand holding from mumsnet at the time x

Wow that's all moving along quickly - the machine breaking is not a sign Music, just in case you're wavering!

Must be odd for you, I dug my wedding cert out the other day when looking for other official stuff and thought "better keep that handy for the divorce" but never thought they'd take it away. Makes sense I suppose, as its not valid anymore, but I thought they'd cut off the corner like an old passport or stamp it ('Arsehole Alert' or something!) and give it back.

How do you feel about it now?