Am I being paranoid or could he be having an affair?

[MusicForTheMasses]

I think my husband may be having an affair. There are a number of reasons but nothing I can pinpoint. He had a promotion a few months ago and has started staying away from home on business trips, even though I am sure the person doing the job prior to him never did.

I can feel the distance between us and am always on edge. Partly I think (hope) it could be stress from his new job, but I don't think so.

I've noticed him texting a lot more these days (though not significantly, he has never really done this). I did something I thought I would never do earlier today and checked his phone, all his messages on there have been deleted both incoming and ougoing! He's a technophobe and theres a bit of me that thinks that deleting all his messages would be the only way he knows how to get rid of any incriminating ones.

I've noticed him having real hugs with the kids, not that he was ever a bad Dad but it's just as though he's making up for something.

I don't feel I can talk to someone IRL about this as to do it would be to admit something was wrong. We've just come back from holiday and should feel closer than ever, but I don't.

Thanks, you've all put a smile on my face. x

Yes, another vote for awesome here too.

Music, he's probably in love with being in love - this was what my DH couldn't process. Fortunately or unfortunately, he left me to be with OW so reality hit him very quickly .

Take your time, one day at a time and tomorrow's another day were my mottos . FWIW, it confused my DH even more with me being civil and kind to him as it didn't square up with how he had painted me in his head IYSWIM.

We were separated for about 4 months all told, had Relate counselling during that time and our marriage is stronger and more honest and grown up now. For me I had to try for the DC's sake but that was only possible because DH wanted the same too, we owed it to them to try and make it work. That is not to say you have to stay if you can't get past the hurt but just to honestly try as hard as possible. Obviously if your DH doesn't put in the effort then you are on a hiding to nothing.

Good luck with all you decide and do.

Sadly I think that all too often the OW is almost as much of a victim as the wife or partner of the person having the affair. Especially if the OW is young and vulnerable heself and more likely to believe the lies and bullshit coming out of the adulterers mouth.

I only say this because I now realise that the ow in my ex's case was sixteen, vulnerable and looked up to her lover my bloody dp who was eleven years older than her, he fed her so much shit she believed him and although there relationship lasted many years she finally saw the light and finished with him

although I hate her I feel compassion for her as she was vulnerable herself due to to family probs not to mention her age and I realise she was played too

op hope thingss work out for you. Look after yourself and keep a cool head something I never did and regret to this day x

Bloody hell Music you are stunning.

I am truly in awe of your dignity, composure, and just ... wow.
Did you know you had this in you?

Look after yourself sweetheart . x

Oh dear, that old chestnut 'I feel alive and intense therefore these feelings must be the real ones'.

Okaaaay.... Music, stay your cool calm self. Stay just as you are. This leaves HIM in the space of the crisis he caused. He can't focus on your 'craziness/bitchery' because you aren't doing that.

Would you have him back or is it over for you?

PS I just say that because the heady gorgeousness of those emotions tend to fade when they have hit the cold light of day.

I seem to change from hour to hour as to my feelings if I'd have him back or not Wobbly - I'm sure all this is normal.

I know I'll probably get shouted at now but I allowed him back into the house yesterday and he is staying in the spare room for a couple of weeks. He is due to have an operation over the weekend and the kids know all about it and have been asking when he is coming home. It's something he's got to have done and to be honest (or blunt) if he doesn't have it there is the possibility it would prevent him from being able to work in the future so from a solely selfish viewpoint I've allowed him back so he can have the op, get better and continue to provide. He knows this is a temporary measure though, I need to know how I feel before I know how it's going to pan out and it's all too raw at the moment.

There are so many if, buts and maybe's at the moment. He says it's over with her but I just can't believe him. He says he doesn't love her, but as I said to him he thought he loved her this time last week so I can't believe him. The trust has gone, but no surprise there really. I keep thinking of the film Misery though. I could easily see me with a sledgehammer. :o

Music - you are coping really well. Do hope that the next couple of weeks aren't too difficult or confusing for you.

Yes, I know what you mean about changing your mind several times - it was months before I decided to try again and even then I said I couldn't guarantee anything long term.

I don't think you're doing the wrong thing here music. Just be careful to make sure you set an explicit time for him to leave again and enforce it. If he is sleeping in the spare room the dcs will notice though.

I think when reality hits they tend to come to their senses and realise what they are going to lose. IME it takes a while for them to realise what it has actually done to you, it is all about them ATM, what they will lose if the marriage fails, not how it effects you.

Be civil to him and see where you go, he really needs to be an open book to you now for as long as it takes if the marriage is to survive, he should be offering you his phone to check, his email passwords etc. In the end however they can still contact the ow if they wanted to despite all these checks which is what I had to accept.

If I haven't said this up thread, I found the Beyondaffairs.com website very helpful in the early days, a bit American but it answered a lot of my questions when DH couldn't .

Don't forget you are going through the worst but ATM, my counsellor likened it to being hit by a bus and needing intensive care - in other words, you shouldn't expect to feel better any time soon, time is the biggest healer. Your H answering all your questions whenever and wherever will also help......

We've told them he needs to because of his operation.

Thanks to everyone who has replied. x

Music we're all here for you - at the end of a PC screen/laptop/iPhone or iPad :)

It is likely to get pretty uncomfortable while he's back in the 'marital' home and I'm guessing he'll try everything to worm his way back in permanently - including using the DCs. Keep posting on here and I'm sure wiser MNers than me will give you great advice.

Yes, keep those musical feet of yours on the ground and your support thread open! I agree it might get all very weird while he recuperates - so firm boundaries will be your sanity-savers :)

Music , I have been lurking on your thread and you have had some great advice here. I went through a similar situation bit sadly without the support of mumsnet.... After 4 years of my x refusing to leave the family home, having to go to court and then back to same house, ow stopping me in sainsburys etc etc I finally moved into my own home bought outright with divorce settlement and guess what ..... 6 months after that he was calling me to get back together.... No chance! What I am saying is the grass is always greener for some people no matter what the circumstances. A lack of empathy, loyalty, and deceit is not something I could forget.

I presume OW isn't in any position to nurse him through his operation ?

feet under table innit

Music, I can see why you are doing this but please dont fall for his bullshit again. You have come so far, dont let him drag you back down.

:(

Counting, what questions did you ask, and how did he answer?

I think you'll be alright music. Realistically speaking where else is he going to recuperate? With OW and he husband? I wouldn't treat him that coldly, it is still his home. I think boundaries are the key. I also think music has the necessary emotional strength.

abitwobbly, I am the sort of person that wants to know anything and everything - I am very nosy by nature. I wanted to know everything about the affair, where he had taken her, who may have seen them together, whether he had said anything derogatory about me, what presents he had bought her, whether he had done anything sexually with her that he hadn't done it me etc, etc. I wanted to know about their conversations, what they discussed. You name it, I wanted to know about.

He talked about some things quite easily, other things he didn't "remember", most of these things were because they were part of such shitty behaviour that he had trouble acknowledging to himself more than anything else. I told him I needed to know everything if we were to make a go of the marriage as he could risk me bumping into ow and her announcing something that had happened or had been said between them that I didn't know about IYSWIM. I think he was actually petrified that if we did bump into she would say something just to hurt that wasn't true.

He told me things like she (he) was planning a wedding abroad and a big family holiday (with my DCs), he didn't stop her plans thereby giving tacit approval to them. He had no money, we were up to our eyes in debt (hence the escapism affair) so there would have been no way he could paid for these things, and she was looking up 5 bedroom houses to rent - absolute madness. He did actually move in with her for about 6 weeks - in that time I knew nothing about it or her. If you have got a spare couple of hours, here is the thread I originally posted on 3 yrs ago here

It's been a long, hard road to travel, we have a better marriage now, we understand each other and communicate better now. My DH has ongoing issues with stress due to the business and our family life (4DSs, 2 with ASD) but he doesn't self medicate with an affair anymore. This doesn't take away from the fact that affairs are about selfishness, entitlement, arrogance etc. just that these factors made him vulnerable as well.

HTH

Counting that is a lot like me, I will need to know all the facts I know I will although I know it will hurt me. It's nice to know it is possible to come out the other side, although I am not sure that is what I want at the moment. I realise it's what I want though and not anyone else. My Mom keeps asking (I'm sure she would prefer us to get through this) but as I've said it's too soon for me to even be thinking about when I'm going to make a decision, nevermind thinking about what that decision is going to be. She's not been putting pressure on me or anything it's just I can sense it.

Offred you are right I can't treat him coldly, I've been civil to him. To be perfectly honest if I creat an atmosphere I have to live with that too, at the moment I just want to feel like I am comfortable in my own home. The whole 'well, I'm off to bed now, see you in the morning' thing was a bit weird but was doable. I just want to get this next couple of weeks over as I think that will be the time I can actually start thinking about the future.

AnyFucker what you say is right. I did suggest that the OW and her hubby took him in lol. The problem is I know the op would just get cancelled and that could mean a problem in the future, which could effect his ability to be able to look after or provide for our kids. Believe me, it wasn't something I came to easily.

Just be careful that the whole "if you don't look after me I'll fall to pieces, and then where will you be?" thing doesn't become a habit.

This is a very manipulative and fundamentally dishonest man.

You know that, because you've been on both sides of his duplicity.

He'll do what he can to align your interests with his while he suits himself.

Well said, AThing.