Am I being paranoid or could he be having an affair?

[MusicForTheMasses]

I think my husband may be having an affair. There are a number of reasons but nothing I can pinpoint. He had a promotion a few months ago and has started staying away from home on business trips, even though I am sure the person doing the job prior to him never did.

I can feel the distance between us and am always on edge. Partly I think (hope) it could be stress from his new job, but I don't think so.

I've noticed him texting a lot more these days (though not significantly, he has never really done this). I did something I thought I would never do earlier today and checked his phone, all his messages on there have been deleted both incoming and ougoing! He's a technophobe and theres a bit of me that thinks that deleting all his messages would be the only way he knows how to get rid of any incriminating ones.

I've noticed him having real hugs with the kids, not that he was ever a bad Dad but it's just as though he's making up for something.

I don't feel I can talk to someone IRL about this as to do it would be to admit something was wrong. We've just come back from holiday and should feel closer than ever, but I don't.

it's insidious isn't it, AThing ?

OP tries to tell herself it's for this coule of weeks while he recuperates

in the meantime, life settles back down into a comfortable routine (whether you like it or not)

he acts nice, looks like he is remorseful, says all the right things

you start to think "maybe he isn't so bad after all"

if you are going to take him back, OP, at least make that a fully conscious decision is what I am saying, rather than one that you just bumble along into because it's easier (in the short term, anyway)

How are things OP?

Where was he living before he moved back in?

He has been in a hotel.

I am staying as emotionally removed as I can be. I can't help feeling sorry at him for being such an idiot to throw it all away like he has. That doesn't mean I'm taking him back though. It's got to be what I want and at the moment I am at the hiding in bed with a pillow on my head phase. If it wasn't for the kids I doubt I would have got out of bed this week.

" I can't help feeling sorry at him for being such an idiot to throw it all away like he has."

Again.

He had a chance to learn that lesson last time he did this. He didn't care to take it.

I appreciate that ATHing. You're not saying anything that hasn't already gone through my head. I can't help what I feel though.

Why couldn't he have the operation whilst continueing to live in the hotel?

Because he is not able to drive for a fortnight. This was a decision I made, I have given my justifications earlier on in the thread.

Or why couldn't the ow let him stay at hers? Or a friend?

You said before that he is very manipulative . . .

Where would he need to drive? To get to work? Would he not be off work recovering? Can't he get cabs? What does this mean . . . That you're going to be chauffeuring him around for two weeks?

Well the decision has been made now. I'm sorry if it's not one you would have made.

Im just interesting. Im not judging you. Im wondering how this is all going to work.

Interested!

"Im wondering how this is all going to work." You and me both. I want to protect my kids and just get them through this.

Don't apologise Music. It's tricky to see the wood from the trees to begin with and it's an emotional roller coaster. I felt pity for my ExH at the time too. You're doing really well and you sound like you are putting boundaries in place, so you do not get sucked in again. Just come and post here if you doubt yourself.

Once the op is over and he is better send him on his way so you can have proper breathing space again.

I can't remember how old your children are but I cannot recommend this book enough: www.amazon.co.uk/What-About-Children-Julie-Evans/dp/0593060709/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1339842351&sr=1-1

As for books for them to read with you, this one is good if they're young: www.amazon.co.uk/Mum-Dad-Glue-Kes-Gray/dp/0340957115/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1339842379&sr=1-1
and this one: www.amazon.co.uk/Your-Fault-Koko-Bear-Read-Together/dp/0916773477/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1339842379&sr=1-2

Im still wondering about the questions i asked at 11.14. Obviously you don't have to answer them if you don't want to.

I just have this horrible image of your driving him to see his ow!

Music, I had an awful lot of advice when my DH did this to me, most people righteously outraged on my behalf. One person however took me to one side and said, quite rightly, do what you want to do and not what everyone wants you to do (her DH had an affair (or similar), they went to Relate etc and are still together). I was so glad she did that because I felt very "bombarded" with advice at the time and was in no fit state mentally to cope with much at all.

I think as long as you have set firm boundaries ie this means nothing as far as the marriage is concerned for the time being. You never know how these things will work out . I for one will not judge you whatever you decide to do - I am very sure many people judged me for taking my DH back but he put the work in to change himself, turn things around etc.

One day at a time and all that. And please spoil yourself right now, you really need it!

Counting to 10. Thank you for that, it makes sense. I just want to get him recovered, then I can think about my feelings. I have put them on hold at the moment.

Just be careful/protect yourself a bit. Your H is inherently selfish - it's all about him and having his emotional needs met. That was very clear from that email you quoted - about what she does for him, and by comparison what you don't . And now because he's about to have an operation he's now back in the family home being cooked and cared for, cleaned up after and yet he complained that you saw him as some sort of cash cow!. It's like he shops at HandmaidsRUs. He might even thank you and flatter you for what you're doing for him given how awful he's been but still continue the affair as it's all about him and his needs. Not you. Not your feelings.

I am also wondering what would have happened if this was the other way round. Say you were the one having the operation, would he have moved back in to care for you and drive you around or would he have been worried this would upset the ow? Or told you tough he has a new life now?

This also makes me wonder what she thinks of all this? Can't imagine she is happy with it so it makes me suspect it is over and this is him getting his foot back in the door.

Music, you don't need people doubting you right now. You've had enough of that.

I share AThing's concerns and am aware you do, too. Please don't think for one second that you can't come here and run stuff by us, no matter what it is and how often. It'll be helpful to round up those in RL who understand the situation, too, and lean on them.

The most important thing for now is shoring up your detachment.
I'm kind of hoping he'll be a complete pain in the arse while recuperating! He's more likely to pull every heart string and push every button, unfortunately.

All good strength.

I don't have any advice, I just wanted to say that you are a remarkable woman

the problem is I know the op would just get cancelled and that could mean a problem in the future, which could effect his ability to be able to look after or provide for our kids.

Would get cancelled because why?

Do you honestly think he would have allowed himself to become incapacitated?!? Or is it likely he has implied that to manipulate you (as you say he is manipulative) to get you to allow him to move back in?

(my last post on this as you don't seem to want to hear what i am saying and haven't answered a single question I've asked. I don't want you to feel attacked and would have put all this in one post if i had thought of it all at the same time. Strongly suspect he has completely manipulated you into this and its rather uncomfortable thinking of you caring for him, cooking for him, driving him around considering he has until very recently been having an affair and probably still is. He lost the right to have you as his wife care for him after what he did. Its a piss take!)

OP - I have just read the whole thread and have admired the way you've handled this situation. I have to agree with some of the posters re: having your dh back for the op time. If you had had a secret affair and been found out, would you then have the brass neck to ask your husband to look after you for 2 weeks. There's no way you would because you know that would be selfish, because you'd be ashamed and need to keep your dignity. I get the sense you've allowed this to happen to give yourself a breather from the heavy weight hanging over you of the potential separation.