Am I being paranoid or could he be having an affair?

[MusicForTheMasses]

I think my husband may be having an affair. There are a number of reasons but nothing I can pinpoint. He had a promotion a few months ago and has started staying away from home on business trips, even though I am sure the person doing the job prior to him never did.

I can feel the distance between us and am always on edge. Partly I think (hope) it could be stress from his new job, but I don't think so.

I've noticed him texting a lot more these days (though not significantly, he has never really done this). I did something I thought I would never do earlier today and checked his phone, all his messages on there have been deleted both incoming and ougoing! He's a technophobe and theres a bit of me that thinks that deleting all his messages would be the only way he knows how to get rid of any incriminating ones.

I've noticed him having real hugs with the kids, not that he was ever a bad Dad but it's just as though he's making up for something.

I don't feel I can talk to someone IRL about this as to do it would be to admit something was wrong. We've just come back from holiday and should feel closer than ever, but I don't.

I'm sure divorce is the way, but yes I feel exactly the way you have outlined. Holding it together fairly way this afternoon.

To those saying they didn't or wouldn't name the other woman . . . I am wondering why? Is there a particular reason?

Courts are very wary now when other people are named - there is usually advice against doing so. I have just counter-petitioned on grounds of adultery but without naming ow.

Just to comment on some of the discussion above - I think many OW are well aware of what they are getting involved in. They choose not to think of others and it is a deliberate choice. My STBEH's OW is very manipulative (from texts and emails). She has very deliberately tried to undermine me.

Music - sorry you are going through what you are. I was there a year ago - still very angry at the lies - hoping to let that go this year and move on.

I don't think anything happens as a result of naming, does it? I think it should, but I don't think it does. Any divorce lawyers about?

I bet her heart sinks when she reads that email!

Have skimmed through the whole thread but was just wondering....(I might have missed it).......is the OW still with her DH? I wonder if the thrill of an affair was what was exciting for her and now that he has been chucked out she might not want him so much.

I can imagine it might be exciting to have a secret affair but when other parties know then it becomes real life and so not as wonderful as it started out. Where was DH last night?

Did you speak to him when he collected the children?

I understood that if you name someone then they are sent the petition which basically says that their adultery with the married person is alleged by the petitioner to be the reason for the marriage ending therefore they are half to blame. They can defend it if they say no adultery took place but if the judge finds in favour of the petitioner then the cheating spouse and the OW/M can be made to pay half the court costs.

That is, half each, so the injured party doesn't have to pay anything.

Music I'm so sorry to hear that your suspicions have proven correct.

you have been given some excellent advice already on this thread regarding contacting lawyers, photocopying documents, moving money out of the joint account,etc. In addition to this would suggest you contact your mortgage lender just to let them know the situation just in case there is some problems with payment.

Keep coming here for advice and support so that you can stay one step ahead as someone has already pointed out he has previous experience of this so knows all the tricks.

it will get tough for a while but ultimately it will get better so keep that in mind.

Wow can the ow or om really be made to pay?

Yes but it is difficult as the courts dont like it. But if you can prove that adultery took place then you can do it, even though it goes against what most solicitors will advise you.

This looks like a nice, no-nonsense summary of divorce proceedings. On page 2 it says you must clearly state in your petition if you intend to seek costs from the respondent and co-respondent (a 'prayer for costs').

Are you OK, Music?

Has he not been in touch yet?

We've been talking (after reading Not Just Friends during my insomnia sessions, I know what to ask lol). I refuse to make any decisions for a few weeks. He says they are over, but I know his heart is there and not with me, but after reading that book I am able to understand that, if that makes sense. I understand that it's what I want and I don't know what I want. If I didn't have the kids it would be easy but I feel we need to be civil if nothing else for them. DS had 4 tests yesterday and was full of how well he's done bless him.

I just feel like I'm going through a bereavement which I know is natural. I don't feel hate (at the moment) for him but I'm ready for my feelings to change.

So glad you have that book. Keep reading and processing it all and how you feel lovely, it's early days. Take your time deciding what you want.

Yes, its definitely one day at a time at this very early stage - you will experience so many different emotions in a short space of time.

This is why we tell betrayed spouses/partners not to make any long term decisions.

Hope you are coping ok.

You have all been a Godsend. Thank you. xxx

What did he say to your questions? Did you get the impression he was telling the truth? Well done for staying calm. Calm is the place where they can take stock of what the hell they are doing.

Where is he staying? Is OW married as well? How do you know her if she is a work colleague of his? It is funny we often know instantly who it is.

Shirley Glass is very calming and gentle I found.

PS take your time. This devastation takes more time than people realise to work through. No decisions as yet - and that also gives HIM time to process his side of stuff.

Was thinking of you Music. You sound strong, although I bet you don't feel it. Taking time is the only way, and listening to your gut. Books are great at separating the wood from the trees but your instinct was right on Saturday and will still guide you x

I've actually met her and her husband, last year before all this started, we all went out for a meal (again, irony). I think he's telling me the truth as he's told me he loved her (although I am sure that is still loves) and that although he cares for me he doesn't think he loves me. Strangely, although that bloodu hurts I can appreciate that he is prepared to tell me the truth rather than just go for the easy opetion of telling me he loves me if he doesn't. I've suggested counselling but he doesn't want to for a few weeks, although I've said I am having some soon.

I just feel that there's no use being anything but polite to him as we're going to be attached one way or another for the rest of our lives due to the kids. He's made promises to me regarding the house and finances and I believe him. I know this can change but I honestly beleive it's how he feels at this point in time.

Does this all make me sound weak? I'm not but I really just want to protect my kids. :-(

P I'm aware I;m probably rambling, but these are the thoughts going on in my mind, whether they make sense or not, and I;m changing my mind every 2 minutes.

Doesn't sound weak to me. You sound quite level headed about it all.

I managed to be amicable to with ExH and we co parent well. That was important to me, above all else.

In my case he was honourable in the divorce and we agreed most of it around the kitchen table. A lot cheaper than a long drawn out protracted divorce that ends up getting to a final hearing and very very stressful for all concerned. Buy until you reach that stage you cannot be sure how things will be. Don't promise anything at this stage.

Gosh, not weak atall Music. I think you maintaining your dignity is not only great for the kids and the future parenting but also must make him feel even more shameful, always a bonus I think. I know that we're not supposed to focus on retribution but you're showing him you have still got dignity and self respect despite the disrespectful way he treated you.

It's an ever changing canvas at the moment.

No I don't think it makes you sound weak either Music. Reading on here, men who have affairs always seem to lie, lie and lie their way through the fallout and although you think he is lying when he says he doesn't love her any more, you're right in that I suppose it's a 'good' thing that he has told you where he stands with regards his feelings for you.

You are showing so much strength and wisdom in your reactions to everything here. Keep going.

Another vote for "Hell, no! You're behaving with serene wisdom!" I hope it lasts for you, Music, and you manage to raise all the support you need for the wibbles and the shocks or rows.

I think you're amazing. All good speed to you. Remember to look after yourself physically, please. Eat, sleep, have a haircut, you know :)

Not weak. You sound awesome! And I mean that literally, not in the annoying American slang way.