Good for you WIMH (being naughty )

To be honest when something life changing like a marriage breaks down, we all have to assess ourselves and our lives. I know I have. I feel I have lost me in the marriage, I was on my own for six years with DS1 until he was 7. He had quite severe SNs which I didn't fully appreciate and I cope with it all on my own. His father with an alcoholic and opted out of parenting. I am very co-dependent and am realising that now. My therapist said I was only really secure and happy (?) when I was on my own, own job and independent.

When I got together with DH, I was pregnant within 7 months and had an horrendous pregnancy and everything started on the slippary slope then and I "lost" myself. I had 3 babies in less than 5 years and that in itself is a lot for any couple to handle. Together with the business, financial problems and 3DS also diagnosed with ASD, everything got too much for both of us.

Once the DC are back at school, I am going to take a leaf out of my friend's book whereby she has a day just for herself, no housework etc. Just a day doing what she wants, going out to lunch, shopping, reading etc. We owe it to ourselves, to have fun, be happy and just "be".

DH and I am changing together and hopefully for the best. Both have big issues with our childhoods. Apparantly we attract people with similar childhoods and similar emotional "baggage" and self-esteem issues. So we really to have to work on ourselves before we can do anything else.

It sounds like you have really reassessed yourself and your issues and unfortunately your H hasn't done that with himself. If he doesn't sort himself and his issues out, he will end up wrecking his relationships with his DC the way his F did with him and so it goes on down the line.

There we go, another therapy session.

I am so pleased you are so positive with everything - it is a new and better life you are embarking on

Hi CT10, so pleased to hear that things are much better for you and DH. I think you are so right, actions speak louder than words. I think women get good at reading those once you've had your eyes opened.

My DC are gorgeous though. I cant believe they're mine. All mine. I feel so lucky and H is such an idiot as he's done something terrible to his family that he can never ever rectify. It's a true measure of his charactor and I dont think he'll ever recover from it. He gets angry as he can see it in the way I look at him and talk to him now. (tough)

I do read back sometimes, I see the first post I wrote, as it's often at the top when I flip the thread. I cant ever see myself being that woman again. I feel so different now. I realise that the DC and especially I - given that I am the mum, the kind of planet in the centre holding it all together for the DC - should have been coming first all along. I'm determined to live that way from now on. I dont know why I let someone as selfish as H muscle his way in to make us all revolve around him.

I think when you have DC, you naturally step to the side of your life and you're vulnerable to someone else pushing their way in as well. That's fine if they are a team player and they put you in the centre of their world. But H never did and I think I knew that. These are all the things they dont tell you about having children, you tie yourself in. I used to say to H, I wanted a more modern marriage and didnt know how we'd ended up where we did.

I'm trying to capture some of that independence and feistiness I had before I married H. And that sixth sense I used to listen to. I dont know if I mentioned it in a previous post, but when I started dating H, I had just had a severe car accident and was very fragile at the time and he looked after me - a kind of life rebound. I realise now that I read more into his character because of it than there turned out to be and it had changed the first impressions I had of him (too shallow, not the marrying kind, have an affair only. I used to call him a "wide boy" and joke with him (we were friends for 7 years before we dated), that he would never be my type). He asked me to marry him on our first date and asked me every few months for the 5 years we dated before we married.

Even until the end I believed he was more. Until all his behaviour afterwards started ringing alarm bells at things he'd said and done beforehand. It was like my eyes were opened and I cannot see him the same way ever again. I keep saying he had amazing piece of luck to have married me and he couldnt keep it up. But he did well to do it for 9 years. His dad died at 59, lung cancer and heart disease, and H smokes like a chimney too and works stupid hours. So I wont have to look after him when he gets ill. I'll let OW or whoever is around that time, if they stay around, do that!!! The DC and I are free....

Do I sound arrogant? I'm just starting to appreciate me and how kind I am naturally, and think i deserve the same back. And so do the DC. Sorry, posting a bit of a therapy session. It's where I am now. I have my ups and downs on the practicalities. He's still bullying on getting everything how he wants it, but really I'm separating myself out now and saying, nope that doesnt work for the DC and I, and we are more important. HAH!

PS Australian is nice. Also have lovely Navy guy (brother of friend) who adores me and we're great friends! Enjoying the attention, but being very good. (Except of course with the Australian - with whom I'm being deliciously naughty!!)

oops! cross posted - sorry!
(You can tell how long it's taken me to read the thread in full!)

So proud of you WIMH, if you ever feel down read this thread and remember how you used to feel.

whereismumhiding - are you hiding?! Please let us know you're ok
x

I'm glad things are really looking up for you WIMH.

There's always another woman isn't there. Remember someone pointing this out to us at the beginning of this thread - the elephant in the room - and none of us could believe it of our "D" Hs.

Keep protecting your heart !!!!

How awful the way your DC met OW. Remember mine introduce OW to my DC without me even realising there was an OW. Words fail me with these men.

Anyway, me and DH are still working on the marriage. He is working through a lot of changes in how he deals with everything in life and I'm working through my issues too. Hopefully we will have a wonderful marriage in the long term.

He is thoroughly ashamed of what he did re OW, he is repulsed by her and embarrassed etc. She has been removed from the bookies where she worked and we've been told she will not be allowed in there again (she has been put on relief work apparantly, was lucky she didn't lose her job by having the relationship with my DH in secret as he was a serious punter in the bookies). DH has also stopped gambling but like any addiction, it is one day at a time. I believe that the gambling has been the root of the problem but that came from his seriously dysfunctional childhood and abuse issues.

As with all these things, actions speak louder than words and I can see he is doing everything in his power to put things right in every respect. We are off to Center Parcs again next week with the youngest 3 DC and DS1 will start his new SN college on 5 September - had all the funding agreed and just now waiting for confirmation of the taxi to and from the college as it is 2.5 hours away. The powers that be don't make life easy for any parent with a child with SNs.

Your Australian guy sounds lovely and don't forget you would have learnt an awful lot about yourself in the last few months and will not be prepared to accept second best in future.

Hi Girls

Am back. Been offline for a while as internet connection been down since changed provider- Ggrrrrrr! Cant check this website from work..

Anyway, IWMI I am soooooo sorry to hear your news. I remember that feeling of "Oh my god, what am I supposed to do now..", your whole life changes and all the things you took for granted before are suddenly different. It's like waking up in a different world each morning and you just want to roll over and go to sleep and wake up in the right world.

It sounds as if things weren't right for you either though and you will be OK honey. I know that and you'll look back at some point in the future and see how far you've come and how happy you are there. Just take it one day at a time in the beginning and dont think about the future. You're on the money to concentrate on the children right now. At some point in the future, when it's right, you will meet someone who is right for you and makes you truly happy. Then you'll wonder what you ever saw in H and why you wasted so much of your energy on someone who was not worthy of you.

And it's nice to be on your own for a while and be in charge of your own destiny, it's a real sense of freedom. I've learnt that living with a person who isnt right and it all being on his terms makes you miserable underneath in a way you dont notice until you're finally free.

Thank-you NanaNina, I read your post very carefully and think you have a point. I didnt take any of what you said in any way other than a kind suggestion. I'm doing quite well right now. I'm dating someone- the Australian - but keeping him at arms length in some ways by putting DC and my life with friends first so he's very much fitting around me.

I've definitely realised that I have to not put my man before my needs. Hence ending things with the Fireman. Hmmm, yes, I sensed he was otherwise involved... Or too attached to his bachelor life. Either way it wasnt going to work for me, so I'm not staying in anything that doesnt make me feel absolutely happy and cared for. I didnt listen to my sixth sense with H, before I dated him and at the start, so I'm determined to do it this time.

You're right though, I am a lot more emotionally fragile than I was before and everyone is telling me that. I think I'm a very different woman than the one who first posted on here. I do worry about the DC. They seem fine but I'm constantly thinking about what is best for them. Wont tell you what H did... OK, will. He introduced OW (found out he was seeing a single younger polish woman from his work when we were still married and before we were even going to Relate, sleazy pr*%k, what a waste of all that money, it was just for show) to children naked in his bed. They found her there one morning couple weekends ago. One night in 14 he has them over night and he couldnt restrain himself for that one night. GRRRRrrrr, dealt with that very well though - I really held my ground about how inappropriate that was.

I did go to Relate on my own after H left for a few months, and she felt I was doing remarkably well and become strong again as worked through a lot of it. It was funny the only things that bothered me were H's behaviour after the split. I wonder whether I generally process things quickly if I understand them, I switched off very well from him by talking on here and talking in Relate and suddenly opening up to RL friends about how he was on bad days.

It was almost as if I hadnt been listenning to the voice in my head and he'd been telling me I was irrational to worry about that and how I was wrong. It feels great to know that it wasnt me, it was him all along. I've hit my stride again the way I used to be, dating, taking no nonsense ... as I trust my own voice again now. Even Australian guy says he finds it refreshing how open (i.e. blunt) I am at times. He knows I have a three strikes and you're out policy and just asks that I warn him when he does something that might incur a strike so he can avoid any further ones!!

Eve, sorry to hear that H is not being a team player. Hmmm, what are your thoughts on it?

What have the rest of you girls been up to? Sorry long post...

I will make it so sorry to hear this, but now you can finally move forward and build a happy life for you and the children. Be strong you have given it your best shot and be proud of what you have achieved. x

Dont know whos decision really, he made it but i forced him into telling me the truth about how he feels.

Dont know whether to laugh, cry or spit in his face when he tells me im his best friend and he loves me deeply but never wants to be intimate with me again.

Even worse is the sad truth that i think its the right move for us, although i wish with all my heart i could change the past and make everything ok again. But he felt like this for a long time b4 telling me and has moved beyond the wanting to try stage, cause he certainly didnt despite what he thinks.

Am now working hard on being friendly and fair, a struggle at times!

So sorry to hear this iwillmakeit. Don't really know what to say. Was this all his decision or something you both decided on ?

Please keep strong and concentrate on yourself and the DC - unfortunately they are the innocents in all of this.

Thinking of you and take care.

xx

Hello all,

Last i posted h was moving in, we had a lovely hloiday, despite the rainy days. Came home muddled on deluding myself, h believing things would sort themselves out by magic. Relate trying to bash our heads together!

He finally left our marriage and home 4 good on sat, eldest was heartbroken, middle one joined in and baby .....? Will she ever know what affect this has had on her life?

Am very sad, angry, dispondant etc.

But determined to get on with my life now 4 my babies to start with and then when im up to it 4 me.

Take care all xxx