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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Absolutely LIVID at what Mother-in-Law has just said to me. What to do? please help.

397 replies

almosttoolividforwords · 04/06/2012 20:46

I have name changed for this one.

I have 2 DC aged 6 (from previous relationship) and nearly 3. My marriage has been very up and down and if I'm honest I think we would be be out of the relationship had it not been for the DC.

MIL has been very interfering from the start but I have let it go, despite different friends and even my counselling lady (for trauma I had in past) having said that they are worried about how she acts. MIL has intimated on a couple of occasions outrageous things like -

5 years ago when me and H moved in together I overheard a conversation where she asked H if he really thought he should be moving in with someone who already has a child, that she "never thought he would" and was he really sure it was the right thing for him etc Shock. And also telling him that he would "always have a home here you know that" . double Shock.

Also once she expressed disbelief that I wanted to go back to work after my maternity leave (having no idea of our financial situation at all) and she said in a phonecall to me "Money means more to you than children" Shock!

H does backshifts and I do days so he often brings the youngest to MIL's during the daytimes. Tonight I got the following text message from MIL when DC back home and in bed -

MIL "How is (dc1) and (dc2)?"

me - "fine. how was (dc1) today when at yours?"

MIL "fine but to be honest he didn't want to go home so that makes me concerned"

me - "what do you mean exactly by that statement?"

MIL - "what do you not understand what the word concerned means?" Shock

MIL - "I'll put it in simple terms to you so you maybe can understand. little (eldest dc, nearly 7) is sick of doing house work that her mother should be doing, she is 6 not 16. and as for (youngest dc) you deal with the bonding before you leave it too late. and maybe cut down on your shouting in front of them"

WHAT IN THE NAME OF ?!!!! Angry

I in no way force my eldest to do too much housework at all. She does age appropriate things like hang up socks, quick swish of her sibling's highchair with a baby wipe, "help" me clean out hoover by holding open the bag, tidy away toys etc. If anything, it was MIL who spoiled H and now he is a lazy sod!

As for the bonding thing, I have no idea what she is on about. Perhaps she is deranged. I had PND with my eldest but I didn't even know MIL then and I was terrified I'd get it a second time but didn't get it, but thankfully I never and have a lovely relationship with DC always cuddling and kissing him, maybe not so much publicly in front of her.

I do shout, but no more than most mothers I know!

All I can guess is that it is her way of trying to undermine my role as a mother. Because there really is no truth in what she says. H has a nasty habit of saying (nasty) things to me in arguments about my parenting but is generally more loyal and did stick up for me when she had her comment about me going back to work.

Does anyone have any advice on this? It has really quite scared and intimidated me. Should I cut down her contact by drastically cutting work hours (she does see them a lot) and not allow her to see them on weekends or anything if she is obviously just gathering "ammo" to use against me? I have been shaking with anger for ages over this. Phoned H at work and told him but he is busy and gave a curt "It's none of my business" response Angry.
aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 12/06/2012 14:34

I would be very surprised if the courts saw the relationship with MIL as parental alienation so I personally would advise caution on that one. Obviously it would be best for all concerned if it could be agreed without the need for court.

ReportMeNow · 12/06/2012 14:38

Ok, so would court really say that ds should stay in the care of MIL, who is antagonistic towards the mother of the child, whilst H was at work, despite the fact that Almost would be at home to look after her ds? This is what 50/50 would essentially mean.

I do think you need to register him at your choice of nursery asap, btw, as a move against the 50/50.

lotsofcheese · 12/06/2012 14:46

OP, you don't need to make any decisions at this moment in time re: mediation or court action.

I think your DH's behaviour will decide for you which route you go down. Please judge him by his actions, not by words.

So sorry this is happening - have you told anyone in RL what's happening?

BerylStreep · 12/06/2012 16:25

Almost Shock that he has taken your 3 yr old DS without your consent or knowledge!

What an utter bastard.

When has your solicitor advised that you can get the orders in place?

Throughout your whole thread, you have made various references to how your MIL and H have threatened you about access to your DS in the past. They obviously think this is your biggest fear and therefore the best weapon they have to control you. I know you are terrified, but you need to call their bluff on this. No court in the land will take your DS away from you.

Have you reported it to the police yet?

Thinking of you.

Jux · 12/06/2012 16:29

Tell as many people in rl as you meet. The more people who know the easier it will be for you.

pumpkinsweetie · 12/06/2012 16:37

Hope you have now reported it op?

Original poster
almosttoolividforwords · 12/06/2012 16:59

Phoned the non-emergency line and specified I don't want him contacted at the moment. They advised that no actual crime has been committed but it is Domestic Violence / Emotional Abuse even if it's a (now) ex partner. Said they would log it for fast response and offered to refer me to solicitor (already have) and a Social Work type service (?)

OP posts:
AgathaFusty · 12/06/2012 17:08

I would take up their offer of referral to the social work type service - it may be very useful in the future if he and his mother become very problematic.

Jux · 12/06/2012 17:17

Yes, go for as much help and support as you can get, Almost.

angeltattoo · 12/06/2012 17:25

You need to take back control, like someone said upthread, call their bluff.

I cannot believe that a grown man gets his mail to his mother's, that your son's passport is there...and that he effectively splits hs time between you and his mother...i've had told him the first time, if you leave our family home when things get tough, don't bother coming back! His mum sounds crazy, like she wants yiur H and DS to be 'hers'??!!

BUT...maybe this might work in your favour? If he has never committed fully to being in the family home, and regardless of care while you work (it is normal to have childcare uring these hours) and your DS normally sleeps at home, this may help with residency?

Am so sorry you are going through this, the worry must be awful.

When your son is returned, I suggest you change the locks, tell H to stay at his bloody mothers, arrange your own childcare for the days you are working (suggest you ask dad/sister to help) and follow advice from solicitor thereafter.

Your son will have had an adventure, I knw it's impossible but try not to worry about his safety, he will be fine and back to you safely xx

MsPaperbackWriter · 12/06/2012 17:30

You must fight him, he is a complete abuser and you need to be strong. His mother is manipulating him and you must go for the parental alienation and not let him have 50/50 if SHE is the one who will he looking after them. You have to fight dirty - you have to bring in her driving too - she spouts poison about you to your children and she is a heavy drinker - she hasn't a chance in hell.

Glenshee · 12/06/2012 20:33

Agree with the others that you have to fight hard. Whatever limits you impose now will still be negotiated over and over again in the future. You might not get what you're asking for anyway. But if you compromise to start with, you will get yourself and the kids in a very sticky situation that will be impossible to change later on.

When you arrange childcare, remember to warn everybody looking after your children that you, and only you will be collecting them. Or if it's your Dad or your sister, take time to introduce them to the staff. Explain the situation and the risks. If in nursery repeat this over and over to different staff. In many places they are not as strict about who picks kids up as they say they are.

RedHelenB · 12/06/2012 20:38

He is the parent. A nursery cannot stop him picking up HIS child.

pumpkinsweetie · 12/06/2012 20:42

RedHelen, if the nursery is told by one parent not to hand him out to the other, they dont!
My daughters real father is not permitted to take my child from school and if he turned up they would be under no obligation to send her out him!
Ops arrangements with a nursery if she so chooses to stop him are hers to make

midwife99 · 12/06/2012 20:46

Actually when I was getting divorced from ex twunt I enrolled DD in a nursery & told them not only could he not pick her up, he was also not to be told she was even there if he phoned. He ended up sending letters to every nursery in my town demanding information. They gave me the letter & did not reply. The terms of the contact order were very strict due to previous domestic abuse so he could only see her at my discretion. The nursery will support you.

RedHelenB · 12/06/2012 20:48

Pumpkin you are actually wrong - only if there is a court order specifying it could a school /nursery stop this from happening. OP is not at this stage & tbh it is unlikely that she will be as her husband is not a danger to their children. As I have said before, the most likely outcome is shared residency - her MIL may not win MIL of the year but by all accounts her & her son pose no danger to the children.

ReportMeNow · 12/06/2012 20:53

No, you can't stop a father picking up his child from nursery but having an access pattern in place is useful as childcare providers can alert you to any attempt to breach it. In normal circumstances with good access in place this is not an issue, but not sure 'normal' is a word to be bandied around MIL and H.

Hope Almost is getting some RL support

BerylStreep · 12/06/2012 21:05

Parental alienation is abuse. Taking your 3 yr old DS camping 200 miles away without discussing it with the mother, whilst not illegal, is emotional abuse. MIL appears to be a vicious cow, intent on threatening and abusing OP.

Once court orders are in place, H will not be able to collect DS without the OP's say so. The sooner they are in place, the better.

lotsofcheese · 12/06/2012 21:36

I disagree that her husband is not a danger to his child: taking a child without a car seat & medication is unsafe. As is excess alcohol consumption.

pumpkinsweetie · 12/06/2012 21:44

If my dh kidnapped my child 200 miles away with no carseat or medicine i would do everything in my power to get full access incase he repeats it again.
He is using emotional abuse to attack op and alienate her from her own child along with his insane lunatic of a mother.
I hope you manage to get adequate chilcare op as i wouldn't let them two near my kid again.
You people saying the dh isn't a 'danger'- yes he is, he took him with no carseat or meds and in the process of this 'kidnap' the ds will be missing his mummy and wondering why he cant see her ,hundreds if miles away from his home.
I cant imagine what op must be feeling right now, i hope the bastard brings him home soon

Jux · 12/06/2012 21:53

Almost, get to your solicitor as soon as you can.

I wonder whether storming out of the house with a very small child without the other parent's agreement, so angry that you leave essentials behind like medication and car seat, does not constitute a danger to a child?

Obviously, H is no longer so angry (presumably) and they did get there safely, but how safe is it actually to do that with a small child, while in such fury? At the least, judgement must be impaired.

Undoubtedly, it is abusive to you, Almost, as is refusal to talk to you while away at least to reassure you that your child is OK and to let you say goodnight to him.

You really need to be pro-active on this now and get some way along the process while the shithead's away.

ReportMeNow · 12/06/2012 22:25

Just thinking about you Almost and hope Thursday comes quickly for you xx

RedHelenB · 13/06/2012 07:31

There needs to be some perspective here - the father is involved with his child so it won't be a major trauma to the child just like it wouldn't be if OP took him to her mums for a few days without Dad, as some people were advising. The courts are keen on shared residency & in a case like this where the Dad is very involved with the care of their children that is what will happen.

RedHelenB · 13/06/2012 07:33

Also nurofen or the like can be bought at any chemist & the car seat was sorted out.

pumpkinsweetie · 13/06/2012 10:33

RedHelen, you are missing the point, ops dh took her child without consent on holiday, what part of that is right??
I would never do that to my dh, even if we split!
He is emotionally abusing op, and yes her son would be upset as he is not allowed to see his mummy and had no clue he was taking him away, my dad did this to me as a kid for a whole day, my mum was distraught and i thought i was never going to see her again-it is damanging whichever way you look at it

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