Absolutely LIVID at what Mother-in-Law has just said to me. What to do? please help.

[almosttoolividforwords]

I have name changed for this one.

I have 2 DC aged 6 (from previous relationship) and nearly 3. My marriage has been very up and down and if I'm honest I think we would be be out of the relationship had it not been for the DC.

MIL has been very interfering from the start but I have let it go, despite different friends and even my counselling lady (for trauma I had in past) having said that they are worried about how she acts. MIL has intimated on a couple of occasions outrageous things like -

5 years ago when me and H moved in together I overheard a conversation where she asked H if he really thought he should be moving in with someone who already has a child, that she "never thought he would" and was he really sure it was the right thing for him etc . And also telling him that he would "always have a home here you know that" . double .

Also once she expressed disbelief that I wanted to go back to work after my maternity leave (having no idea of our financial situation at all) and she said in a phonecall to me "Money means more to you than children" !

H does backshifts and I do days so he often brings the youngest to MIL's during the daytimes. Tonight I got the following text message from MIL when DC back home and in bed -

MIL "How is (dc1) and (dc2)?"

me - "fine. how was (dc1) today when at yours?"

MIL "fine but to be honest he didn't want to go home so that makes me concerned"

me - "what do you mean exactly by that statement?"

MIL - "what do you not understand what the word concerned means?"

MIL - "I'll put it in simple terms to you so you maybe can understand. little (eldest dc, nearly 7) is sick of doing house work that her mother should be doing, she is 6 not 16. and as for (youngest dc) you deal with the bonding before you leave it too late. and maybe cut down on your shouting in front of them"

WHAT IN THE NAME OF ?!!!!

I in no way force my eldest to do too much housework at all. She does age appropriate things like hang up socks, quick swish of her sibling's highchair with a baby wipe, "help" me clean out hoover by holding open the bag, tidy away toys etc. If anything, it was MIL who spoiled H and now he is a lazy sod!

As for the bonding thing, I have no idea what she is on about. Perhaps she is deranged. I had PND with my eldest but I didn't even know MIL then and I was terrified I'd get it a second time but didn't get it, but thankfully I never and have a lovely relationship with DC always cuddling and kissing him, maybe not so much publicly in front of her.

I do shout, but no more than most mothers I know!

All I can guess is that it is her way of trying to undermine my role as a mother. Because there really is no truth in what she says. H has a nasty habit of saying (nasty) things to me in arguments about my parenting but is generally more loyal and did stick up for me when she had her comment about me going back to work.

Does anyone have any advice on this? It has really quite scared and intimidated me. Should I cut down her contact by drastically cutting work hours (she does see them a lot) and not allow her to see them on weekends or anything if she is obviously just gathering "ammo" to use against me? I have been shaking with anger for ages over this. Phoned H at work and told him but he is busy and gave a curt "It's none of my business" response .
aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh

I will. I haven't contacted her at all. Have no desire to.

I don't really have any desire to contact H either, just trying to work out what exactly he is actually offering or try to work out more of what he is up to really. Because if what he means by changing his hours around and watching DC in here because it would be better financially and with at least one of us having a perm job, and I can get my hours changed in 3 months to a year's time, then I would consider it. If he is meaning that he is intending on taking them up to MIL whilst I work - think he would be if he is intending on a split (I doubt he'd take them there if he actually lived here because it's quite late in the day to be taking them up there and he would have to bring them back on time for DD school) then I know what I'm doing because there is no way he is getting them those bedtimes if we are officially split, that's just asking for trouble.

I will have another meeting with the lawyer.

Not discussing split with H at all, just going to let him say what he says and explain exactly how he proposes the logistics to work if he has offered to cut hours to watch them. And see what he says.

I know I can't get different hours for at least the first 3 months , they said that at interview. as they have all been allocated. I imagine I could register my interest in taking someone's shifts if they leave though, or swapping with someone else who would prefer mine. At the 3 month review they will be recruiting again for anyone who has left in the first 3 months so I could have a chance then, or apply for internal vacancies - should get one within a year. Could apply for flexible working (child under 5) after working there a year.

What would he say if you told him that it is clear that he doesn't want to live with you and that he is free to move in with his mother if he wants to.? Like a zen master stepping aside to allow the attacker to lunge past?

I have said this to him before lots of times over the past couple of years. Because of exasperation that we do not seem to have a close or couple relationship at all 99% of the time, just a practical one for the children and housework etc. about 1% of the time he will do something couple-like for example a couple of weeks ago buying me flowers or at new year taking me out for dinner, or a hug. However the remainder of the time we don't discuss things (due to his being obstructive about discussing things), he spends a lot of time at work or at his mums, if I have a hospital appointment or anything he won't even remember to say good luck or ask me how it went etc, doesn't call me or text me unless a practical necessity. He turns it round and says that at least he does some things whereas I don't do any of show any affection to him whatsoever (actually true).

When I have said the above (probably word for word at some times!) he has not really reacted at all tbh.

diffusing the tension will get your MIL backing off because your H won't be moaning about you etc

Yes. When she feels we are a united front then she does back off quite considerably and treats me with 'distant tolerance' attitude if you like. But she really gets right in there with the abusive nature towards me the minute she senses any crack between me and H.

The advice I have had on here has been fabulous. I couldn't believe people could be so kind as to advise a complete stranger. My friend told me about this section when her DH had an emotional affair.

Good luck, come here and rant to help you get through it

Try not to row with your H about the new job, just say you thought a permanent job would give the family financial security but if he doesn't feel he can do the bedtimes etc then it's not at option and you understand that.

Please do cut your shifts to 2 a week though, that alone would ease tensions all around - both of you less tired and less alienation by MIL. Just think of her bum mouth when you and H start being civil to each other again

In the meantime I have already cut to taking 2 shifts a week. However they won't like it that I'm not as flexible (bank work) but needs must. I cannot afford to not work at all - couldn't pay the bills on H salary alone, no way - he is only on temporary self-employed contractor stuff (not even sick pay).

Well done, it's so sad that your MIL has destroyed what at one time was presumably a happy loving relationship

I think H does allow it though, he's not totally innocent in it. Far from it. I think he does not treat me in the way a partner should because he never really 'has' to , iyswim? he knows he has a loving home to back to up there, and someone who will dote on him completely unconditionally, so being nice to me / "keeping" me has never mattered as much to him as it should. I have had so much resentment over it for years if I'm honest.

She hated me from the moment I became a 'serious' girlfriend (ie threat).

It shouldn't be my issue to deal with though, it should be his *but he seems quite happy with the status-quo) - I shouldn't have to deal with the crap and their unhealthy relationship, or 'compete' with her.

Absolutely he can't see it's unhealthy, unnatural and damaging. He will never be allowed to family in his own right, be his own man etc etc.

How have you been today? Did H come back after work yesterday?

Not good

Have taken advice from Womens Aid.

Oh pet

When can you get an appt with your lawyer?

What's happened, Almost?

Can you get away to your dad's?

Are you ok?

Worried for you, Almost.

Let us know you're ok.

Almost if you take nothing else away from this please accept this advice DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO BECOME ISOLATED keep talking to people in your life. Be brutally honest about how things are and ask for help. Do not let yourself get sucked in.

Almost we are all here for you whenever you need to let off steam or ask for advise.

Are you OK?

Hope you are ok op?

Just read the whole thread, really hope you're ok?

OP, hoping you are safe?

Contractors can be employed in supervisory positions (eg shift leaders) and can change their hours if another shift leader is looking for a swap. Just an FYI.

almosttoolividforwords - hope you and DC are safe - that's the most important thing right now.

& what glenshee said. Stay strong.

Oh no almost .

Please keep yourself and the DCs safe.