Absolutely LIVID at what Mother-in-Law has just said to me. What to do? please help.

[almosttoolividforwords]

I have name changed for this one.

I have 2 DC aged 6 (from previous relationship) and nearly 3. My marriage has been very up and down and if I'm honest I think we would be be out of the relationship had it not been for the DC.

MIL has been very interfering from the start but I have let it go, despite different friends and even my counselling lady (for trauma I had in past) having said that they are worried about how she acts. MIL has intimated on a couple of occasions outrageous things like -

5 years ago when me and H moved in together I overheard a conversation where she asked H if he really thought he should be moving in with someone who already has a child, that she "never thought he would" and was he really sure it was the right thing for him etc . And also telling him that he would "always have a home here you know that" . double .

Also once she expressed disbelief that I wanted to go back to work after my maternity leave (having no idea of our financial situation at all) and she said in a phonecall to me "Money means more to you than children" !

H does backshifts and I do days so he often brings the youngest to MIL's during the daytimes. Tonight I got the following text message from MIL when DC back home and in bed -

MIL "How is (dc1) and (dc2)?"

me - "fine. how was (dc1) today when at yours?"

MIL "fine but to be honest he didn't want to go home so that makes me concerned"

me - "what do you mean exactly by that statement?"

MIL - "what do you not understand what the word concerned means?"

MIL - "I'll put it in simple terms to you so you maybe can understand. little (eldest dc, nearly 7) is sick of doing house work that her mother should be doing, she is 6 not 16. and as for (youngest dc) you deal with the bonding before you leave it too late. and maybe cut down on your shouting in front of them"

WHAT IN THE NAME OF ?!!!!

I in no way force my eldest to do too much housework at all. She does age appropriate things like hang up socks, quick swish of her sibling's highchair with a baby wipe, "help" me clean out hoover by holding open the bag, tidy away toys etc. If anything, it was MIL who spoiled H and now he is a lazy sod!

As for the bonding thing, I have no idea what she is on about. Perhaps she is deranged. I had PND with my eldest but I didn't even know MIL then and I was terrified I'd get it a second time but didn't get it, but thankfully I never and have a lovely relationship with DC always cuddling and kissing him, maybe not so much publicly in front of her.

I do shout, but no more than most mothers I know!

All I can guess is that it is her way of trying to undermine my role as a mother. Because there really is no truth in what she says. H has a nasty habit of saying (nasty) things to me in arguments about my parenting but is generally more loyal and did stick up for me when she had her comment about me going back to work.

Does anyone have any advice on this? It has really quite scared and intimidated me. Should I cut down her contact by drastically cutting work hours (she does see them a lot) and not allow her to see them on weekends or anything if she is obviously just gathering "ammo" to use against me? I have been shaking with anger for ages over this. Phoned H at work and told him but he is busy and gave a curt "It's none of my business" response .
aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh

Report passport stolen

I am certain they are actually camping.

But almost - you dont know whereabouts in the country they are? Just because it's not too bad where you are (and not too bad here either actually apart from the flooding!) if they're 200miles away it might be a whole other story where they are.

I think I'd log it with the police. Tell them your ds has been 'removed without your consent' and you don;t know where they are or that they are all safe, and that dh has not been in contact. Make it sound as if you are more concerned for their safety than angry.

Still may be worth cancelling the passports. He may not have the money , but she may have been saving up, and you don't know exactly what is going on in her head. So probably worth just playing it safe, cancelling passports and getting yourself sorted. Make sure to keep all evidence of texts , emails etc - at least it could keep you busy while waiting for your appointment. Its going to be fine - but better to be totally safe than sorry.

almost am just catching up and am so and for you. No advice to add apart from agreeing that you should take as much professional advice about the situation as you can. Am thinking of you in this situation.

Super strength lager...not your usual old lady tipple.

I think it's an important component of the case that he sometimes gets very drunk and that you hate it. I wonder if he gets drunk when he's with MIL. This might be part of their strange symbiosis. She is his enabler. So much worse if a toxic parent is also an enabler...they have so much power. I don't know what position the family courts take on regular parental drunkenness in the home ...I would think quite a negative one.

I'm sure you're right that the friend wouldn't lie to you.Glad he is with them as he will have a balancing effect on H.

H doesn't have a link with another country does he? I would think that would be the main reason to fear he might kidnap him. He won't stray far from MIL is my guess. But it is only a guess. Your instincts have been right all along it is clear.

Rooting for you...

Gosh...brainstorm...maybe this is a really bad idea but then maybe it's a good one. I bet the ruddy Daily Mail would run this thread...it is fascinating and compelling reading. And it would give OP all the power she needs. And I think they pay. Quite a bit. The authorities would then absolutely fast track this situation...the public would feel just what we all do...furious for her. It would make a permanent record for when the children are older so that OP's plight can never be deliberately misrepresented via parental alienation.

I can't stand that our OP seems so powerless to defend herself and that "Grendel and his mother" seem to be calling all the shots.

Or maybe the Guardian or the Independent. They both do those rolling breaking news accounts where updates are added every few minutes. And the whole Mumsnet phenomenon is exciting and interesting to the public.

Bad idea or good idea?

No he has never been out of this country, so that is reassuring I guess.

He just switched his phone on about half an hour ago and read 2 texts from me then it went off again by the time I had got out of lawyers and tried to phone. Cat and mouse game indeed. .

No point phoning or going up to MIL's - she is irrational at times and wouldn't be of any help.

I know roughly where they are as his friend told me.

I've gone to my friends before I pick DD up from school. I just can't wait to have DS back and safe. I keep worrying about something happening to him like running off or getting into water or something

You must be consumed by worry for ds . I have no words for the unspeakable actions of your H or your MIL Am not surprised you have no feelings about the ending of your relationship, as all your instincts are to protect ds.

Please, if you can focus, use this time to take action with your lawyer. I believe you said your home is rented in your name? Or talk over moving in/closer to your family asap.

I have been reading this thread but not posted until now.

Really, you have to report this to the police. He has removed your child from your home, without your consent, without telling you where he is taking him, without maintaining contact, without due regard for the child's safety (car seat, medicine), and presumably without allowing your child to have contact with you. Is this not kidnap?

It is certainly a very big black mark against him as a responsible father, and for that reason alone, I would make damn sure that it is logged wherever it can be - starting with the police.

Another thing has been occurring to me as you have posted. You have said your H spends a portion of his time living away from the family home (ie with his mother), and that his mail is delivered there also. To me, this suggests that he doesn't actually share care properly with you for the children, since he doesn't live with you full time. Is the solicitor aware of this?

I didn't want to say the word, but Agatha has pointed it out- what he has done, in effect, is kidnap

Agree with everything Agatha said too. Just log it.

Even if the police say they can't do anything, do phone them and get it logged. It's useful evidence for later.

If you don't have a residence/defined contact order and he has PR he hasn't done anything illegal by taking him. Although it's certainly immoral, and you can look into the car seat/medication side of it as a crime in itself/neglect. So you can record it with the police if you want (or just in a diary if you don't want to alert him yet) but they won't do anything beyond talking to him (if that).

But definitely go back to that solicitor asap.

Can I just say it is NOT kidnap in the same way as if she was to take her son to her mums for a few days it wouldn't be kidnap. He is the child's father & is an equal parent. But things do need sorting out so good luck with the solicitors on Thursday, hope something can be resolved in the best interests of both your children.

Good luck on Thursday

Just a quick post as I have been following your thread, I would try to keep out of court if possible and go for mediation. I really think if he is bloody minded you will get a crap deal in court. However if you keep discussing things through mediation and keep it fair; ie what you want or even what most separated parents usually get ie every other weekend and one evening you can make you life much simpler

the reason being that you are likely to stick to the court agreement, whereas the man can stick to it or not as they feel and you can't do a thing about it

It is much harder on the woman as they have to stick to the agreement.

Don't threaten him with court, just keep saying we can agree the best fop both of us and your ds through mediation and then his bloody poisonous mother won't be in the rooom with you. She may well be in the court and that will make him feel pressured by her, if you are in mediation you can have a few sessions and it may well turn out better, especially if you can try to be amicable

my twat of an ex was really abusive, threatening all sorts but in mediation the solicitor set him straight on a few thngs and it helped no end

keep your pecker up you're doing brilliantly

oh and log everything with police, he is using your son against you by not telling you what hes doing with him. Its emotional abuse against you really and not your son as hes with his dad and probably happy hes camping, not knowing you're out of your mind with worry.

your h is a total fuck for doing that to you

I'd also get it logged with your health visitor, and mention it to your GP if you get the opportunity (make an opportunity!).

I would see this as the final straw for your relationship. He cannot be trusted with your children.

With regard to the new job, I can't really see anyone condemning you for being employed as a single parent, even though for a short time you may have to work just 3 unsociable hours per week, as long as there is adequate care in place for them. Plenty of shift workers are single parents, they just have a support network - friends, paid childcare, family - to help out. What you would be doing though would be setting a great example to your children of being a mum who spends plenty of time at home with them and can also be responsible in providing financially for them too.

If you don't have a residence/defined contact order and he has PR he hasn't done anything illegal by taking him. Although it's certainly immoral, and you can look into the car seat/medication side of it as a crime in itself/neglect. So you can record it with the police if you want (or just in a diary if you don't want to alert him yet) but they won't do anything beyond talking to him (if that)

This is exactly what solicitor said. I was going to report the failure to use his car seat but sol said because the vehicle is a taxi (his friend's taxi) it's not technically illegal, and because the medicine was only ibuprofen but yes it wouldn't look good if he was to go for residency.

I'm torn between going for mediation and keeping a log or getting interim interdict and court etc. I really do hate him, but don't want to mess anything up for the DC.

Surely the court couldn't order that he is taken completely from me and we would never see him again?? (this keeps running through my head but I know it's irrational). There are no child protection issues and his sister is with me?

No way would a court order that you never see him again so put that worry right out your head. In your situation I think it would be 50/50 shared residency tbh. You may even find your husband doesn't want this

Normally courts prefer a mediated outcome, if their is initial disagreement, prior coming before court, but your solicitor is suggesting parental alienation and MIL is a nasty piece of work, and H not much better. Did your solicitor advise one course over another?

The concern with 50/50 would be that H would go to work and leave ds in the care of MIL. Would a court decide differently if there was the suggestion of parental alienation by MIL and ds wasn't in the direct care of the father when his mother would be at home to care for him? Especially if the Almost was making access possible for H when he wasn't working?

They wouldn't order that. There is no evidence you've been abusive towards your children, and you share the parenting now (even if he/MIL do a bit more than you currently).

It is a difficult decision though, I could have got a non-molestation order for my ex so he'd only see our daughter in a contact centre, but long-term I don't think this would be best for her so am putting up with his behaviour until our circumstances change.

If your only worry about going to court is the risk of them taking your child away completely, go to court. Mediation might work or it might not - considering he's entirely unreasonable, he might end up with more residence/contact than is actually good for your son (especially if it involves MIL) because you agree to it in fear of the unthinkable happening in court. And then as it's the status quo it would be very hard to change later.

Whereas you may find he backs down (bullies being cowards etc) when confronted with court, and you won't be treated unfairly there especially with the evidence you have of their behaviour.

Personally I'd make sure I was the main carer, and go for the first solicitor and his parental alienation/residence order/more assertive approach.

I have read the whole thread but not all in one go so may have missed bits where you're already doing this stuff!

the Almost