Absolutely LIVID at what Mother-in-Law has just said to me. What to do? please help.

[almosttoolividforwords]

I have name changed for this one.

I have 2 DC aged 6 (from previous relationship) and nearly 3. My marriage has been very up and down and if I'm honest I think we would be be out of the relationship had it not been for the DC.

MIL has been very interfering from the start but I have let it go, despite different friends and even my counselling lady (for trauma I had in past) having said that they are worried about how she acts. MIL has intimated on a couple of occasions outrageous things like -

5 years ago when me and H moved in together I overheard a conversation where she asked H if he really thought he should be moving in with someone who already has a child, that she "never thought he would" and was he really sure it was the right thing for him etc . And also telling him that he would "always have a home here you know that" . double .

Also once she expressed disbelief that I wanted to go back to work after my maternity leave (having no idea of our financial situation at all) and she said in a phonecall to me "Money means more to you than children" !

H does backshifts and I do days so he often brings the youngest to MIL's during the daytimes. Tonight I got the following text message from MIL when DC back home and in bed -

MIL "How is (dc1) and (dc2)?"

me - "fine. how was (dc1) today when at yours?"

MIL "fine but to be honest he didn't want to go home so that makes me concerned"

me - "what do you mean exactly by that statement?"

MIL - "what do you not understand what the word concerned means?"

MIL - "I'll put it in simple terms to you so you maybe can understand. little (eldest dc, nearly 7) is sick of doing house work that her mother should be doing, she is 6 not 16. and as for (youngest dc) you deal with the bonding before you leave it too late. and maybe cut down on your shouting in front of them"

WHAT IN THE NAME OF ?!!!!

I in no way force my eldest to do too much housework at all. She does age appropriate things like hang up socks, quick swish of her sibling's highchair with a baby wipe, "help" me clean out hoover by holding open the bag, tidy away toys etc. If anything, it was MIL who spoiled H and now he is a lazy sod!

As for the bonding thing, I have no idea what she is on about. Perhaps she is deranged. I had PND with my eldest but I didn't even know MIL then and I was terrified I'd get it a second time but didn't get it, but thankfully I never and have a lovely relationship with DC always cuddling and kissing him, maybe not so much publicly in front of her.

I do shout, but no more than most mothers I know!

All I can guess is that it is her way of trying to undermine my role as a mother. Because there really is no truth in what she says. H has a nasty habit of saying (nasty) things to me in arguments about my parenting but is generally more loyal and did stick up for me when she had her comment about me going back to work.

Does anyone have any advice on this? It has really quite scared and intimidated me. Should I cut down her contact by drastically cutting work hours (she does see them a lot) and not allow her to see them on weekends or anything if she is obviously just gathering "ammo" to use against me? I have been shaking with anger for ages over this. Phoned H at work and told him but he is busy and gave a curt "It's none of my business" response .
aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh

Sorry for briefness. Trying to post on phone. H decided he was taking ds camping today and did take him against my wishes. He stormed out with him with no car seat or his medicine. I called him but he kept hanging up and switched phone off. Called mil and she jusr started saying "ive warned my son about u, u are no good for him, what do u offer him, nothing" called wa and going to lawyer for interdict tomorrow. Managed to find number for the friend hes taking with him and h answered and said they will be back by thurs and where roughly they are and apparently he bought car seat and ibuprofen. But worried sick. Cant sleep or eat. Wa advised emergency lawyer appt in morning before proceeding with anything.. Will do what they recommend. Never thought it would come to this.

Oh my God.

How awful for you. Are you all right?

Surely this won't help his case for custody - the fact that he's gone without car seat or medication is dreadful.

And your poor DD. Is she ok?

Not to be dramatic, but do you know where DS's passport is? Is it in your posession?

Hope the lawyer fires the mother of all rockets up his arse is helpful in the morning.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Good luck today x

Wow! Well at least this demonstrates to any judge what sort of a responsible parent he is.

Almost He IS safe, he has his medicine, his dad is with his friend so very much doubt that he is poisoning your son's mind, and the witch is at her house, try to set your mind at rest about safety. My god this 'man' is a piece of work, how utterly cruel, but at least you all now know that it has started and very glad to see how much you have ready for when they get back.

Thinking of you. Don't know where you stand but did WA mention reporting to the police?

I don't have passport no. We were supposed to be going on holiday last Oct but we didn't end up having enough money to go. H sorted DS passport and it at MILs with his.

Will mention it to lawyer, but highly doubt he has enough money to take him anywhere.

Managed to get through on his friends phone last night, was livid but held tongue to make sure DS ok and he said DS fine and that he would switch his phone on soon (but he hasn't). I was up most of night worrying that DS could get out of tent whilst H sleeping. . DD said H told her they would be back on Thursday or earlier of weather bad, same as H friend told me (but he obviously doesn't respect me enough to tell me!).

And whomever said I'm not real, that is not helpful. He is supervisor in security (they do not earn much) , on self-employed contractor basis.

WA did mention it but my lawyer when i phoned said that he has not committed any actual offence if he has apparently bought car seat (or at least booster seat, not sure) and medicine. So they could only have a "chat" with him. But I thought that may aggrevate him even more. I want a record of it though. Perhaps with lawyer.

Ahhh, wasn't sure if there was an actual 'offence' or not.

I'm really feeling for you, I would kill him with my bare hands, so good for you staying calm.

NEVER worry about "aggravating" an abusive shit like your husband and back down from taking action that would clearly state your limits. Bullies are cowards, they are MORE likely to "respect" (not a word in their vocabulary sadly) you if you DO involve the authorities.

Oh Dear, what an asshole she is being! all kids hate to leave a place that is different and they have enjoyed themselves at - what a fool she is being!

I would suggest family mediation - that would force her to show how silly her views are in front of you with someone helping. She obv has no idea of your perspective and is, quite frankly, being a bit crazy.

Perhaps an 'are you OK?' text would wake her up or lance her anger boil whatever it is.

I have no idea of the best way to deal with this, but certainly withdrawing your children from her might be worth considering as the poison will seep out.

It may be that she is massively stressed about something else and that is skewing her view of the world, but treat the problems separately...

Yeah I know from experience that authority is the only thing that really scares people like that (because it can curtail their freedom I guess) , but it's difficult when it's yourself. I'm terrified because he has DS so far away at the moment.

I would love to kill him with my bare hands, believe me. But I don't think that ranting and raving would achieve much, except give them more ammo to call me "crazy" etc.

I am MOST angry at the fact he has his phone switched off and had it not been for me having saved his friend's mobile number at New Year when he text "us" then I wouldn't have been able to contact still. I hate him.

Plan of action is separation. I'm pretty sure I can stay in house. Probably interim interdict against removal and go to court for contact as a contact order is probably the only thing he will (hopefully) respect. The lawyer cannot tell me that he definitely won't get residency, but they have said that "shared residency" is likely if he really goes for it with his "case" which he probably will. But WA said that even if he/they makes false allegations about me being neglectful etc , they don't just take that as proof, he would need proof or SS would need to find proof. I highly doubt I do anything which could be considered neglectful to SS or a court, so that is quite reassuring. Well, they think that because I gave the kids toast instead of porridge/cereal for two days in row for breakfast because I was in rush is "child abuse" (quote), MIL seems to think that me 'forcing' DD to do some age-appropriate chores is tantamount to child abuse, and they both think that sending a child to a childminder is "parental neglect of duties" (H's words). If that is all they have got.... I really need to stop shouting at him though. It's understandable given the circumstances, but that has to stop on my part because I'm guessing it could be used against me by H.

It feels weird that I don't even care we are splitting. I don't even care that he doesn't even know (if he is that deluded to think he'll waltz back in after what he has done ... he has done similar things in the past but NOWHERE NEAR as bad as this). Maybe that is to come.

Sounds like a plan.

We're rooting for you.

Am i reading right? He has took your child?
Omg, this is an awful senario to be in op.
I cant believe a grown man would kidnap his own child with no carseat or medicine, what a selfish controlling bastard and your mil is even worse!!
Giving your child toast isn't "child abuse" the woman is a complete loon, how dare she say your not good enough for him.
Your mil sounds almost in love with her own son, i dare say no-one would be good enough according to her as she wants him and your dc all to herself-what a nutjob.
When or if your dc gets back change your locks and chuck the bastard out

I think I can chuck him out thankfully as lease in my name, and he would probably prefer to stay in MIL's anyway. I would have done it ages ago if it was not for the fear that if I threw him out, and he went there, they would exert even more control over DS and obviously his contact would be there. But I think it's went too far for having him anywhere near me

Ok good idea. I'm scared they will call him though, or will they just log it? Didn't want to alert him to any legal stuff until he brings him back, as they are 200 miles away

Yep, agree with Ivana

I agree with Ivana too, you must log this with the police.
He has more or less kidnapped your child whichever way you want to look at it
200 miles is a long way away, not only that what he has done will not look good in court, so log it if only for that reason

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's shocking that he has taken DS 200 miles away without your permission & in such an unsafe way.

Others will maybe know better approaches, but does your local police station have a family unit or liaison officer?I think it would be worth a phone call & ensuring this incident is logged.

Personally, I would not go down the road of mediation, as suggested by a previous poster: your "D"H & his mother do not sound rational or reasonable people & I cannot see the point in trying to engage with them in that way.

Have you told your sisters/dad? I think you need support: please allow others to help you at this awful time

Oh this has gotten so much worse. I'm so sorry this is happening. Really wish there was something more we could do to help. Imagine a MN army surrounding your house... I wanted to ask this before...does H drink? Does MIL? His choices are just so bizarre...like his sense of right and wrong is deadened. It was only three years ago that he loved you enough to marry and have a child. Some men, abusive ones, only show their true colors when they think they've got you safely under control. Taking your son without your consent is the deal breaker. You have to take the gloves off now.

I agree with all posters who are suggesting you reach out now to police and your lawyer. It does sound as if the mediation/therapy options won't be any use. MIL sounds mad, frankly. I wonder if it would be worth it to record any calls with her. This last one would get her a restraining order.

There are so many good people in the police force and family law..I know you can find the help you need.

I would log this with the Police - make sure you speak to the Public Protection Unit. I know this is linked with DV etc, but they tend to be more sympathetic when dealing with children issues. However, be aware that they could pass info on to social services; they always tend to check the situation out with them any way to see if there has been any past history.

He has taken your child a long way away, without your permission, not told you where they are and not let you speak to him. Your DS will be worried where his mummy is and he is somewhere strange and unknown to him - also the weather is poor this week. It was a cruel, ill conceived act and he has failed to put the welfare of your DS first. You can never trust him again.

Your instincts were kicking in from the outset, but you did not want to believe them, using your head not your heart.

You absolutely must cut this woman from your life and distance her immediately from the children. The court process is a long, arduous one despite the no delay principle and this will give you time to make the changes needed to put yourself in a good position with the children.

Your H's mother sounds like she has some MH issues. Why does she want YOUR children so badly? Making an enemy of you is a serious error on her part. From experience I know that grandparents who do not take sides in matters such as these are those who live to have a long, happy and loving relationship with their grandchildren -not the other way round believe me.

You are in a strong position - no-one can take away from you that you are their mother.

In fact the weather is so bad that I don't see how they can possibly be camping with a three-year-old. Did they take wet weather gear and clothing?

I would drive round to MIL's just to see if his car is in the drive.

She drinks super strength lager every night, but I don't think very much.

He does have tendency to get drunk when not at work, although he is at work 6 days a week usually. But it is worrying because he usually has a few drinks when not at work, sometimes gets very drunk and I hate it.

Where I am it's not very bad weather, and he has taken the friend's car. When I spoke to his friend he said they were there , so don't think the friend would lie to me.

Is it possible to ring up and report the passports lost / stolen? At least if this happened, it would give you peace of mind they could not leave the country.

Camping? In a tent in this weather 200 miles away- this man is putting your childs welfare on the backburner so he can manipulate you and play a game of hide & seek!
Im wondering whether they are actually at the mil?-that would be a more likely senario, do you drive op?
I think its absolutely worrying not knowing wherabouts in the country your child is in and not only that, the mil has the passports-very worrying, i hope you have now called the police!
He may not have the money to go abroad, but mil might, please don't hesitate calling 999

no don't drive