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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH just told me

156 replies

alittlesad · 31/05/2012 21:41

(namechaged as I know some people irl on here) he doesn't know if he's in love with me anymore. I don't know what to do, he and my kids (5&£3) are my world. He says he needs time to sort his head, and wouldn't have said anything if I hadn't have pushed him. (he's been very distant lately and not been himself) I was convinced he was ill or having an affair, which he assures me he is not. Should I carry on as normal, till he decides what he wants?

OP posts:
SeventhEverything · 31/05/2012 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sarcalogos · 31/05/2012 21:43

I wouldn't. I would ask him to go and come back if and when he is fully committed.

But I'm no expert, I wouldn't trust my advice.

foolonthehill · 31/05/2012 21:48

Only you can decide this Op.

I am not really in favour of "giving up" on marriage if it can be saved but I think that wise to suggest that a "D"H who lays this on his wife should do his thinking outside the family home. It may clear the mind for him and will certainly help you to process what you think and want.

Then if you decide to keep working at your relationship it is a positive decision on both your parts...not just you wondering whether he can't be bothered to go and do his own housework/ironing or whatever. A family is 100% commitment, not an optional idea. He needs to realise this. And you are not his fall back position.

hugs to you, you must be feeling awful

Xales · 31/05/2012 21:50

So are you still do cook, clean and domestically service him while he does his thinking?

Or does he leave the family home, do all his own stuff and have the DC as agreed between you while he does his thinking and you do yours too?

EclecticShock · 31/05/2012 21:57

Not being in love with you right now does not spell the end. You need to talk and find out if there's anything you can work on.

EclecticShock · 31/05/2012 21:58

You have to carry on as normal for the kids but you can still discuss it with him and see if you can find a way forward together.

PooPooInMyToes · 31/05/2012 22:00

I wouldn't trust his word that there is no one else. Have you thought of having a little snoop?

EclecticShock · 31/05/2012 22:00

Sometimes relationships have problems, it's not always an affair, although admittedly, sometimes it is. Why does he feel he is not in love with you?

Original poster
alittlesad · 31/05/2012 22:01

he said he loves our family and doesn't want to loose that including me, he just doesn't feel in love anymore. We have been together 20yrs and married for 9. Do you think everyone goes through this?
I don't know what to think, he's only just told me this evening, i'm all over the place Sad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/05/2012 22:04

read some more threads on here

this is classic script for "having an affair or paving the way for one"

I am really sorry

the only advice you should take (though you will rail against it) is cut him loose

tell him to leave immediately

watch how the cards fall

it will tell you much

EclecticShock · 31/05/2012 22:04

I don't know for sure but I would think "not being in love" but loving someone is pretty common. The in love bit can get lost within family life. Is there a way you can rekindle what you had when he was in love with you? Are you in love with him? I have to admit, I always have loved dp but I haven't always been in love... That imples something more like infatuation and excitement, which can be hard to sustain all the time in a serious relationship.

Original poster
alittlesad · 31/05/2012 22:06

he says he doesn't know why he is feeling like this. I asked him, and believe him when he says there is no one else.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/05/2012 22:06

...especially when the "infatuation and excitement" is being satisfied somewhere else....

SeventhEverything · 31/05/2012 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EclecticShock · 31/05/2012 22:07

Anyfucker, really? Why? Do you think he would have not said the words" I'm not in love with you" if he had intention to work things out? Just curious. I would never say those words to dp and I think it's hurtful and could be handled better. Maybe he was just being honest? She did ask him...

mathanxiety · 31/05/2012 22:07

What AF said and Xales too.

AnyFucker · 31/05/2012 22:09

so what then, OP

what does he expect you to do?

he drops a bomb like this...and then what ?

you turn yourself into Perfect Wife, Perfect Mother, Perfect Dishwasher, Perfect Cocksucker ?

what ?

make him go...see what he would miss to indulge his ennui

Original poster
alittlesad · 31/05/2012 22:10

I am still in love with him yes

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 31/05/2012 22:10

Maybe like someone else said, give him time and have some space...

EclecticShock · 31/05/2012 22:11

Have you had any difficult times recently?

mathanxiety · 31/05/2012 22:11

You would tell your spouse this in that way in order to keep her from clobbering you with a frying pan.

AnyFucker · 31/05/2012 22:11

...see how the cards fall

it will tell you uch

his "space" should be in a shitty b+b, btw

AnyFucker · 31/05/2012 22:12

much

ineedamiracle · 31/05/2012 22:12

ExH assured me that there was no one else when he informed me that he didn't think he loved me anymore...turns out, he'd been shagging my mate for 2 years and had just spent that weekend camping with all our mates with her there instead of me. No wonder he said "no" when I enquired if me and DS (3 at the time) could accompany him on said camping trip (have since seen the photos on FB Sad ) Thankfully my friends told me the actual truth rather than his fantastical version of reality Angry

Original poster
alittlesad · 31/05/2012 22:13

I actually don't think this is helping Confused need to talk more with him. I probably shouldn't have posted this so soon Sad

OP posts: