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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH just told me

156 replies

alittlesad · 31/05/2012 21:41

(namechaged as I know some people irl on here) he doesn't know if he's in love with me anymore. I don't know what to do, he and my kids (5&£3) are my world. He says he needs time to sort his head, and wouldn't have said anything if I hadn't have pushed him. (he's been very distant lately and not been himself) I was convinced he was ill or having an affair, which he assures me he is not. Should I carry on as normal, till he decides what he wants?

OP posts:
Xales · 31/05/2012 22:37

It's not about leaving the bastard.

It is about giving him the space to do his thinking. It is not fair that he gets to do his thinking, wallow about and hmm and haa about if he wants to carry on their relationship while OP runs around cooking, cleaning and keeping everything running.

She needs space also, plus quiet time away from the children when he has them to do her own thinking also.

Maybe some time away from OP doing for himself will make him realise exactly what he is thinking he doesn't love any more. Maybe he will accidentally fall naked on some OW who is distracting him and his dick with accidentally slip into her. Either way the OP will know the score.

She will also have had some space to decide if she wants to continue a relationship with a man who doesn't love her but doesn't want to give up the home comforts and every night with the DC or if she deserves more.

EclecticShock · 31/05/2012 22:37

AF, you are extremely wide of the mark.

AnyFucker · 31/05/2012 22:38

that's your opinion, ES

you are entitled to it

do me the same courtesy

Xales · 31/05/2012 22:39

My spelling is terrible lately sorry!

MsHighwater · 31/05/2012 22:40

OP, no-one else here knows your DH. They don't know what he is thinking or what he really means by what he has said. None of them has enough evidence to conclude that he is having an affair or "paving the way" for one. Talk to him or to people IRL who know you and know him and pay more attention to that.

CurrySpice · 31/05/2012 22:40

I will admit to snorting at AF accusing someone of goading GrinWink

EclecticShock · 31/05/2012 22:40

Difference is, I don't just give my opinion, I try to tailor it to the OP by way of empathy. Let's just leave it here, we have very different approaches.

babylann · 31/05/2012 22:41

I'm so sorry OP, I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I agree that he should be doing his thinking elsewhere. I couldn't continue living in the same house as DP if he was considering whether or not to stay with me.

I would probably end it and take that decision away from him anyway.

TheCountessOlenska · 31/05/2012 22:41

Ladies stop bickering and come give advice on the Am Really Scared thread that I'm on - OP sounds so worried Sad

Abitwobblynow · 31/05/2012 22:42

Thanks for your opinion Curryspice, I am inclined to agree with you, thinking about it.

oor OP was overwhelmed with having just had her life blown up in front of her eyes (I still remember) and can't even begin to imagine betrayal whilst I am contributing from the position of 1000s of hours of mourning and coming to terms with the reality. And most importantly, knowing you do survive, and you can get through this, and it doesn't mean the end, even.

So sorry OP, and I hope you will be back. We really are here for you...

amillionyears, its funny that, that we don't turn around and abandon them! We never stop following the rules (care and protect, even at the expense of yourself) do we.

AnyFucker · 31/05/2012 22:42

yes, hilarious, curry

erm, and that is sensitive to the OP how ?

ES, you got it

Abitwobblynow · 31/05/2012 22:42

Poor OP...

GinPalace · 31/05/2012 22:45

I would keep dialogue open and work through things to their conclusion. The end of this story isn't a foregone conclusion, just because similar others haven't ended well doesn't mean it is the end of the road every time, and anyone can have a crisis of love/life.

Better he is being open about his feelings than dishonest - I think that still leaves a lot to work with.

Good luck OP.

CurrySpice · 31/05/2012 22:47

Abitwobbly fwiw I think you and AF may well be right :( it was my first thought too.

Can I ask a genuine question from someone who has no experience of this. But when you advocate getting the philandering husband to leave to give the wife space and him a chance to reflect on what he's lost, does that not have a tendency to facilitate the relationship with the ow?

I'm not saying its not the right tactic, just something I've always worried about Sad

Abitwobblynow · 31/05/2012 22:47

Xales - "Maybe some time away from OP doing for himself will make him realise exactly what he is thinking he doesn't love any more. Maybe he will accidentally fall naked on some OW who is distracting him and his dick with accidentally slip into her. Either way the OP will know the score.

She will also have had some space to decide if she wants to continue a relationship with a man who doesn't love her but doesn't want to give up the home comforts and every night with the DC or if she deserves more."

Classic! Ha ha ha ha! Yes, it's amazing how it 'just happens' that accidental falling between OW's open loving legs...

Electricshock, I am afraid that very sadly you will find that Any Fucker is so far wide of the mark, that she is spot on. Give this a couple of weeks...

AnyFucker · 31/05/2012 22:49

curry, let me put it like this

if throwing out your husband because he is hurting you and putting you in an impossible situation drives him into the arms of OW, what message does that give you ?

EclecticShock · 31/05/2012 22:49

I meant wide of the mark in relation to comments made about me not the OP.

AnyFucker · 31/05/2012 22:51

if keeping him close keeps him away from OW (temporarily) what will that do to his respect for you ?

and your respect for yourself ?

never, ever compete with an OW...send him on his way

AnyFucker · 31/05/2012 22:52

I thought you were dropping it, ES

are you not ?

ivykaty44 · 31/05/2012 22:53

men rarely leave their marriage unless another woman is involved, but at this time between woman they can falter - a lot.

As the new exciting woman and the old faithful change places, the old faithful distances herself by letting him go and the new exciting one clings for dear life and doesn't seem so exciting

that's what I think curry

amillionyears · 31/05/2012 22:53

CurrySpice,perhaps a better answer might be, if possible to get someone to take the kids.Then op and DH can have an opportunity for some time to breath and think.They wouldnt have to physically leave the house,but could just be in different rooms.

EclecticShock · 31/05/2012 22:54

I was responding to abit... Sorry, did you have something you wanted to say AF?

CurrySpice · 31/05/2012 22:54

Yes, I see that AF. I asked a genuine question like I said. Hmm

I am leaving this thread as none if this is helping the op Sad

Xales · 31/05/2012 22:57

when you advocate getting the philandering husband to leave to give the wife space and him a chance to reflect on what he's lost, does that not have a tendency to facilitate the relationship with the ow?

My own opinion and not based on anything I just think that

If he is already philandering with an OW isn't it better he is not doing it while enjoying creature comforts provided by the poor mug wife?

If he goes straight into the arms of an OW then well not much reflecting and I doubt he was planning on reflecting. Unless it involved laying on his back looking at the ceiling while being given oral sex.

It also takes the exciting secret meetings away. He gets to spend more time with the OW and realise she also poos, farts burps and will realise the grass isn't greener faster.

Plus he is no longer lying to the wife that he is just not sure. It may hurt like fuck but at least the wife would know what is more important to him right then.

AnyFucker · 31/05/2012 22:58

ES, you said "AF you are wide of the mark"

then you made reference to that comment again

was I supposed to attribute it to someone else, even though it had my name attached ?

those are not the usual rules of discourse, but if you want to change them temporarily go for it, but give us a warning first

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