DH just told me

[alittlesad]

(namechaged as I know some people irl on here) he doesn't know if he's in love with me anymore. I don't know what to do, he and my kids (5&£3) are my world. He says he needs time to sort his head, and wouldn't have said anything if I hadn't have pushed him. (he's been very distant lately and not been himself) I was convinced he was ill or having an affair, which he assures me he is not. Should I carry on as normal, till he decides what he wants?

*once. Not at once.

truth, I may have missed some context in your post, but why did you tell him you didn't love him, I mean why did you feel you had to, if you were going to stay?

I hope the OP comes back too, or is reading. It's not good though is it? He's not himself, distant. The ideal thing to do is to flush the problem out, and in that I agree with AF. Then you will see "how the cards fall". FWIW I too think he's having an affair or preparing the way. I'm sorry.

BelieveInPink I get that, but I for one have heard so many stories, on here and in RL, which confirm that what he is saying is most likely part of the cheater's script.

Incidentally, I too have told my OH that I don't love him in the past, but that was on the back of his affair, and during our recovery from it. Sometimes I still wonder....but these days I tend to keep those thoughts to myself and move on with things. So, yes, there could be a million and one reasons to say it, but....but....but...history tells us that the main reason that comes up time and again is an affair. I hope I'm wrong.

I agree, we're proved right more often that not.

I just feel for the OP, she was overwhelmed by it all and it wasn't helpful. I hope she comes back.

i would head off for the weekend, leave your dcs with HIM if you can

just do it

YOU need to think

he has responsibility as their father, so maybe as weekend with them will make him FORGET to think as he will be so freaking busy with them

he sounds like he's being way too self indulgent if you ask me

hang in there

Rollarcoaster.

How have you managed to move on and stay with him knowing that he is lying? That he won't be honest with you and still lies about it to this day?

Op. Are you ok?

I am very sorry but agree wholeheartedly with AnyFucker. Word for word that is what exdh said to me. My kids were same age as yours. He did not want to lose ow- but certainly did not want to lose our kids. He is keeping his options open. You need to harden yourself and get angry. The truth'll come out sooner or later but you have to know that however you feel now, you and your dcs will have a happy, better life x

• this thread is chastening as it contains some home truths
• we all like to think that we live unique lives, and yet we act out roles, and behave in patterns, that are instantly recognisable (even cliched) to each other. Son/Daughter, Wife/husband, Mother/Father. Lover
• in MN each affair is understood within the framework of a single narrative.

perhaps that's how it is.

But yet, but yet -in RL - is every affair always the cause of marriage breaking up, or are some affairs a symptom ?

• with lifetimes so very long, is our idea of marriage actually contrary to our natures and simply too much to be expected ?

alittlesad - you ok? (well, of course you're not ok, but well, oh you know what I mean).

Personally what I was objecting to on this thread was nothing to do with suggestions of an OW.

I think it is the primary reason for someone 'falling out of love', becoming distant etc etc. I don't think there is anything wrong with putting that out there.

What I objected to was - despite us knowing pretty much FUCK ALL about the OP, the OP's husband or the dynamics or set up of their marriag - all sorts of sexist assumptions and generalisations being made by feminists, ironically.

Wow my grammar, spelling and syntax is on fire today

I am not ok, but have had to come to work after a sleepless night, and am very teary. Have spoken to my boss who is a good friend, and have realised that my life has become consumed by my children and that my DH and I have no us anymore.
Despite what you lot are saying, I know he is not having an affair.
I am going to ride this out over the weekend, and see what next week brings.
I do and am sure he wants to save our marriage.

Im glad you think he is not having an affair.
Im glad you think he wants to save the marriage.
Perhaps you can ask him about having more DH and alittlesad time together.

I am sorry but I too said my H wasn't having an affair, he wasn't the type etc.

Keep your eyes open and watch his actions and see if these are of a man who is trying to save his marriage, investing time and energy in his wife and family.

Good luck.

I do and am sure he wants to save our marriage. I hope you are both on the same page.

Good luck and do remember we are here trying to support you even if you don't like some of what we post.

Its so easy for that to happen. I remember going out for dinner with my husband when our baby was about 1 and realising i hardly even knew who he was anymore! We'd been through an awful time as well as the life change of starting a family so it was no wonder we'd had no time for 'us'.

We've gradually been able to spend more time together as the children have got a little older which really, really helps.

What i don't understand though is why he just didn't suggest that and put more effort in rather then tell you he doesn't love you. Something which must be incredibly difficult to hear and which you will never forget.

OP just remember from your first post I was convinced he was ill or having an affair

Something must have made you think that?

You see OP when they question if they love you it is normally because they have become attracted to an OW. They then think they cannot possibly love their DW because if they did they would not be attracted to an OW if that makes sense. This attraction to an OW makes them question their feelings for you. Whether they have acted on this attraction is neither here nor there, the fact she is in his head, she may as well be in his bed (to quote WWIFN ), she is making him question his whole life with you IYSWIM.

I hope this is not the case but his actions will tell you everything you need to know, if he really makes an effort to change to the marriage as much as you. And child centre marriages are extremely vulnerable to affairs unfortunately .

Good luck and don't do all the work in trying to turn this around.

Yes he had been a little wierd with his phone, but I now know he was texting his sister asking her advice about how he was feeling. And didn't want me to read that.
He didn't actually say the words I did. I said "don't you love me anymore" and he said "of course I love you" I replied "but your not in love with me anymore" and he burst into tears. He says he doesn't want to leave.
There is no one else
We are going to talk this weekend.
Thanks for all your messages, but I don't think this is helping me.
I am going to go now

I really hope it works out op.

Good luck op

OP, I hope it all works out for you. Most of us are only posting because we have been in the same position before and want to give you the benefit of our experience and for you not to have to go through the same sh*t as we all went through.

We want you to be in a position of control and not run ragged trying to save a marriage if he is not singing from the same hymn sheet as it were as you cannot compete with an OW and is not worth trying.

Your DH sounds very conflicted, bursting into tears and not wanting to leave. My DH was like this due to OW putting loads of pressure on him to leave me and him worrying if he did not then she would spill the beans of their affair - he was between a rock and a hard place (poor lamb ). In the days leading up to all this, he was picking arguments out of nothing to either get me to throw him out or for him to say "that's it I'm leaving", of course it helped with the justification of the affair.

Try and remain calm during your discussions and let him fill in the silences, watch him carefully and see how he acts. Suggest Relate as well, any body wanting to save their marriage will be willing to go to counselling.

Good luck and I hope everything works out - I am still with DH 3 years on with a much stronger marriage.

I think you would have to have distanced yourself emotionally or been devaluing someone, in order to pull the rug out from under them by saying something like that to them. Or you would have to be a pretty self centered and basically callous individual.

I honestly do not see how sledgehammer words like that could possibly be designed to improve a marriage, because while they might say something in a very oblique way about feeling pushed to one side, they also shatter the other person. How does hurting your partner like that help a marriage or lay the foundation for a discussion about rekindling a relationship?

I think that while it is natural to feel that you may have somehow inadvertently inflicted some great hurt on your DH, the positive way to deal with that hurt would be to talk about the hurt and try to deal with it in a straightforward way, and not give you the 'love the family and you but not in love' line. I don't think this comes from hurt. Only someone who had crossed a line from caring to callousness would say something like this.

As Maleview said, who is 'in love' after so many years, normally? Being in love for that long would completely wear you out. A comment like that, where someone seems to be hankering after the 'being in love' sensation would really have to come from someone who had tasted that forbidden fruit and for whom the joys of happy, ordinary, bumping along marriage and family life had grown stale by comparison. Imo.