DH just told me

[alittlesad]

(namechaged as I know some people irl on here) he doesn't know if he's in love with me anymore. I don't know what to do, he and my kids (5&£3) are my world. He says he needs time to sort his head, and wouldn't have said anything if I hadn't have pushed him. (he's been very distant lately and not been himself) I was convinced he was ill or having an affair, which he assures me he is not. Should I carry on as normal, till he decides what he wants?

I'm with Eclectic here. If you have an expectation of experiencing being "in love" all the time, it may be disconcerting to one day notice that you feel luke warm about your partner, and you may begin to wonder if this carries a greater significance for your relationship. You know, given the time you have been together, I think it's fairly natural to experience the full spectrum of feelings of love, attachment, connection or otherwise with your partner. But it takes a certain nerve to trust and remember that feelings come and go, and even if he feels a little lacklustre this minute / week / month, he might well find himself back in that rosy glow of being in love soon enough. It is difficult to know how to talk about a waning of affections but it doesn't have to be the end, perhaps it's the beginning of a transformative and inspiring conversation. Good luck!

Great minds indeed, Bee!

Definite crossed wires, too many handbags.

Oops, I missed a page or two of this, unintentionally, as usually make a point of reading all of a thread before responding. My post just now only refers to OP and the responses I read on the 1st page. Doh.

I don't own any handbags

but I do have some while stilettoes I dance around other people's handbags in

Whats happening? Im lost!

Any fucker has one thing dead right. If she did ask him to move out his reaction would speak volumes.

my dp said this to me about 9 months ago. i told him to leave. that if he doesnt know whether he loves me after 9 years, then im not waiting around until he finds out.

no idea if he was having an affair or not- i have no suspicions or funny behaviour.

if i find out he was/is, its over.

he'd get the full mumsnet script too- stuff in garage to collect, walk away from house/home/family.
no contact unless child related.
burst bubble and tell all rl friends and family
and i'd look fabulous, have great life.

but for op's purpose whether he may or may not be having an affair is secondary to the immediate problem imo.

if someone says they dont know if they love you anymore, it is a complete blow to your self esteem, self worth and also the security of your relationship. i was sooooo angry at my dp. i thought who do you think you are to decide you dont love me! (so maybe my self esteem wasnt that affected) i thought and still think, that he's bloody lucky to have me and if he thinks he can do any better, then i suggest he pisses off and gives it a go.

to cling on and try to make him see otherwise, is soul destroying and imo nearly always fails.

im with the make him see what he has to lose camp. if you lose him, then you were always going to anyway, but at least you kept your self respect.

How did it pan out for you sassy?

I think you are very wise, sassy

There is waning of affection and telling someone you are not in love with them, latter is pretty unequivocal and damaging.

I think if you are lacking spark and connection you are more likely to say that then devastate your partner with the possibly fatal revelation that you may no longer love them.

But then again if you are pretty thoughtless or selfish which unfortunately most men are (i don't mean that in an anti bloke way, it's just that being selfish is almost deprogrammed in women after giving birth) then maybe you would tell your partner you're not sure if you love them when you actually just mean loss of connection.

But at best you're a selfish shit for doing it like that -not a constructive way to deal with the issue if thats your intention, potentially soul destroying and there may be no coming back from the loss of trust and confidence.

AF, I have lots of handbags for you to dance around!

Cross post, Sassy, how did things turn out?

I only have pockets < sob >

he went upstairs to pack his bag and i started to tidy the kitchen to keep busy. he came down after half an hour and said he was sorry, that he knew as soon as he said it that he didnt mean it and he is just tired and stressed out. (we had bought a new house that had to be gutted, we lived with my mum for 8months while that was happening, he was armed forces, so only back at weekends, we had 1 yr old twins and i was 7 months pregnant! so im inclined to believe him)

he's still here. we talk a lot more. but we've had rocky moments. ive told him to go myself a few times........but the bastard never does.

we also make jokey references to 'little miss new boobs' (from an episode on friends)

joking aside, i agree with please you have to recognise that you do go through rosy glow, to not being in love, but still loving someone. ive always loved him, but i sometimes go through stages were i have doubts too.

peace not please

sorry

Curry - while he is in this affair bubble nothing will change. He is having his cake and eating it.

If the affair is in the open, the bubble bursts and reality hits them and the cheater has to face the consequences of his/her actions - things much more likely to come to a head.

OP will never ever be able to compete with OW while cheater is in his affair bubble - he will be far too absorbed by all that ego stroking and new exciting sex

He could be ill,he could be worried about something else,eg money,he could be feeling distant about the marriage,he could be thinking about another woman,or yes he could be having an affair.
There are several possible scenarios.

Surely People "in love" after 20 years are in the minority.

I am not in love after 10 but I do love my DW and love my family.

I don't feel the need to have an affair.

The big difference is that I haven't told her this and I am sure there are millions of other men who haven't told their partners either as it serves no purpose.

To me there are two possible reasons why someone would say this.

1. Affair or potential affair
2. Severe depression.

You don't have to be "in love" to have a good relationship. You don't have to have an affair if you are not "in love" but by the same token you do not have to shatter your partner by telling them.

It's much easier to try to inject some romance back into the relationship with kinder words.

We know men like the simple things, feed them, shag them, they are happy

WTF?

There is so much hypocrisy on here.

What a ridiculous and offensive generalisation. This does not describe my husband - nor, surely, does it describe the husbands of the feminists on here who often tell us how they would not put up with any such attitudes or behaviours. So why is this suddenly received wisdom?

Imagine a glib, dismissive and trite generalisation like this about women? 'As long as they have some pocket money for new shoes, get told they look pretty get a bit of help putting the bins out they're grand'.

There are some confused attitudes from feminists.

Even a comment upthread about 'So are you still cooking and cleaning for him?' got my goat.

Why the assumption she does the cooking and cleaning?

I barely cook, clean a bit - my dh does the lionshare because he's at home and I work FT and we both share everything equally.

And as for the problem at hand - yes unfortunately there is often a OW in similar scenarios, there is not enough to go on here imo. It's an important viewpoint to put out there, I agree.

And actually I agree with Peaceful's post.

The reason why people ask if she is still cooking and cleaning is because its often the main reason why their cheating Hs are reluctant to leave despite dropping the I'm not in love with you bombshell.

They like having their home comforts as well as the exciting allure of OW.

It is also interesting to note how many of these cheating husbands have shown selfish entitled behaviours prior to the affair - hence the having their cake and eating it part of the script. The person having the affair is usually the one who is giving less to the marriage.

In the meantime, the betrayed spouses are running around bending over backwards, trying to be the perfect wives....not realising that withdrawing domestic services and removing home comforts is what will burst the bubble.

Hmm..doesn't know if he's in love? Already blaming the OP for getting him to say this?

I'll eat my hat if AF's not right on the money with this one. Again.

From the other perspective: I told my husband I didn't love him and i wasn't having an affair. I still don't really love him but I like him and we have three small children who he didn't want to turn their lives upside down. Lots of reasons keep me here, namely children and, also, no where really to go. It's not as sad as it sounds and we are financially secure so there is nothing to worry about. I work part time and have a great social life. Life just isn't perfect.

I once had an EA (a year after telling my husband I didn't love him and i hadn't yet met the OM). It was a horrible time and i couldn't bear how sad he was so i stayed. I wouldn't have another EA/ A again as it nearly destroyed me emotionally.

Good post truth

echt,she may be right,she may not.No point burning bridges right now though.

sorry OP, I have been on mumsnet for years, and when I see an OP like this I feel sad and think: another one.

it seems men only leave their happy(-ish) marriage if there is someone else.

sorry.

I told my husband I didn't love him any more at once. At the time I didn't for one reason and another. I WAS NOT having an affair. Yes it's the same old story for so many marriages but on the OP alone it's deemed appropriate and HELPFUL to suggest an affair.

Sometimes, just sometimes, we don't have to be so eager to get our teeth out.