DH just told me

[alittlesad]

(namechaged as I know some people irl on here) he doesn't know if he's in love with me anymore. I don't know what to do, he and my kids (5&£3) are my world. He says he needs time to sort his head, and wouldn't have said anything if I hadn't have pushed him. (he's been very distant lately and not been himself) I was convinced he was ill or having an affair, which he assures me he is not. Should I carry on as normal, till he decides what he wants?

A comment like that, where someone seems to be hankering after the 'being in love' sensation would really have to come from someone who had tasted that forbidden fruit and for whom the joys of happy, ordinary, bumping along marriage and family life had grown stale by comparison

That^ is a bloody good point, Math

Brilliant post math.

the thing is, if you were feeling sidelined or neglected in your marriage, or things had become a little stale you would say "I feel pushed out and that we don't connect any more (or something similar)"

you would not burst into tears when asked are you not in love with me any more, and not actually give a negative to that very, very loaded question

when someone tells you what/where they are, it is in your very best interests to listen to what exactly they are saying (with words and actions)

Fantastic post, Maleview (and Math).

You see, 1. affairs and 2. depression are linked.

What do men do as the ultimate tension relief? They have sex.

Affairs are a terrible way of medicating depression (Pittman) The high, the addiction, the obsessiveness - all a lovely chemical cocktail that raises serotonin and dopamine levels in the brain.

This is why in my view OWs have to be the most stupid foolish creatures on earth. They in 97 times out of 100 are being USED for a purpose that is entirely disconnected from them (as authentic human beings). But then: if they are as equally screwed up, they are using 'him' as an ego boost etc etc and don't want the connection either.

Nowt so queer as folk. My H consistently said this: I wans't looking to replace you. It was a feelgood fantasy bubble [I will never, ever get this level of selfishness and split self. Ever].

I think you can hanker after the being in love sensation without having tasted forbidden fruit.

I am a case in point.

I don't think I'm alone.

It's how you express it to your partner if you choose to express it that can make a difference to the outcome.

alittlesad

Like everyone else on here, I hope you are OK and I hope your dh proves us all wrong and pays back your trust in him.

The fact that there was something seriously wrong, that his behaviour was odd - perhaps unloving?- led you to question him. Don't forget that. He didn't come to you and tell you that he needed more time together, did he? He didn't come with solutions or questions. He just made life so hard, you had to find out what was wrong and then hit you with a double whammy of rejection and tears.

I think Maleview and Math have it spot on about 'being in love'. That's just weird after anything more than 3 years. Are you honestly supposed to have butterflies in your stomach, be off food and text 100 times a day for the rest of your life? God knows I've fallen in love loads of times, but I wouldn't marry and have kids with the tossers poets/artists/pot-smoking daydreamers. Most of us allow things to run deeper that are perhaps less exciting, but more real. That's what you build a family and a future on.

The red flags are there. He has withdrawn, he talks about not 'being in love' and he is weird with his phone.

Whatever this turns out to be (and for me, the kindest thing for you would be a state of mental anxiety on his part), the only advice I have for you is to remember that your needs are exactly as important as his. So whilst he is deciding whether or not his 'in love with you', you are without a caring, supportive partner. And your children are without a family father. It's up to you how long you decide to put up with that.

Please, in all this heartbreak, remember to put yourself first.