Due to give birth, huge row, Dp not interested in me or baby now

[pregnantandpooped]

This has been a difficult pregnancy for me, i've been sick constantly and am knackered. The baby is due in the next 2 weeks, but is lying wrong, causing me extreme discomfort on top of SPD.

Me and DP had a huge row yesterday. I was in the right to be annoyed, but, as is my way, i lost my temper and went to far, and had a go over his dd (my 15 year old sd) who has given us grief for months.

It started over dog sick. My dog was badly sick on the kitchen floor, which is unusual. SDs dog regularly has the runs all over the kitchen, which i clean up. DP said he didnt do sick, and i would have to do it. Fair enough, but at the moment, i cant get down to do stuff like that without A LOT of pain and my pelvis locking up. It isnt quick or easy, so i asked him to do it, and if needed get SD to help as i have cleaned up her dogs mess often enough. SD announced "forget it, im not doing it" and her and DP went off, just leaving me with it!!

I was mighty pissed off, and sent a text saying so, and that between them they could have managed to do that one thing for me. I got back that i should stop whining, SD (15) is a child and we have different expectations of children. I asked if SD ranked above me then, and if it was easier to see me in pain doing something than to get her to help? DP replied "just fuck off and shut up"

I went and spoke to him later, and yes i did lose my temper, and was not highly complimentary about SD, who has caused huge problems lately. I feel like she rates above me all the time, and it all revolves around her. SHe lives here 60/40 and has not once helped me, to the point last week she laid on the settee and watched me drag 15 bags of food shopping in, without even helping or offering.
No, i should not have gone off about her, but there is a point past which i wont be pushed, and being left by two able adults to do something i have told them i cant do without great pain, is too far. He, however, was a shit to me, and told me i could have the baby in the street like the screaming council house dweller i am.

Dp now not speaking to me. I need to see the MW again today, as i think the baby is on a nerve or something. Either way im in pain, and possibly having mild contractions.

I told DP i needed to see her. He shrugged. I asked if he wanted to know why, he said, no, because at the moment i am angry at you, and the baby is part of you and therefore i cant seperate it from you!!

This isnt the first time he has "checked out" from the baby. In fact, all through this pregnancy he has done it when i have upset him.

Ive told him today that we are about to become parents together (we have seperate children) and that he cant just refuse to take any interest or show any concern because he isnt speaking to me! As far as im concerned, it makes him just as bad as he claims i am. I also asked him what kind of man doesnt ask why someone needs to see the midwife? He replied, im just not interested, im not speaking to you, and the baby is you.

He has basically told me he's had enough of me and my being a dick head, and he'll behave how he wants about the baby, and if i end up in labour early, or giving birth on my own then thats my fault for my carry on. I was being calm and trying to talk reasonably, but i just got swearing and shouting, until he just walked away.

Now im stuck at home and dont know what to do. I have my 6 year old to get from school, and then him and SD will be home later. I will then have an evening of him being super nice to everyone whilst making it clear he is ignoring me.

HE often does this, even over rows that i dont always think are solely down to me, until i apologise or he gets fed up or whatever. Until then, at 38 weeks pregnant i will cease to exist until he decides to speak.

I have a hospital bag packed and a nursery all done and i have no idea if we are together or what.

I cant stay anywhere else as i would have to take dd, and im too close to having the baby to put that on someone, and my mum is about 200 miles away.

Dp normally a good partner, but he does this when he see's me as being unreasonable. I was OTT with what i said, but i get pushed to a fucking point in this house where im sick of everyone assuming i can still cook, clean, shop and wash (whilst still doing my part time job) despite the trouble im having, and it tends to come to a head in an explosion. The dog sick was that explosion.

Oh, meant to say, i put all the dinner out last night, and he dished up for everyone else and left me out.

He then hurled the hospital bag across the bedroom because it was in his way.

I m not even getting basic politness, even though i had shopped and cooked the meal we were having.

HE's not violent BTW, i think the bag was just to show how he doesnt give a shit so to speak....

Is it your house? ( you mentioned a council place)?

Well just stop flaming doing it all for them.

Cook for yourself and your child or make a sandwich. Stick your own washing on. Buy what you need for you to eat on the way home from your job and don't get them anything. Don't clear up the shit. Close the door and stay away from it.

You cannot expect a lazy normal teenager to get off their arse and do a thing for you when their parent treats you like a slave and second class member of the family.

I can't see any where that this man is a good partner where he has allowed you to be treated like this through out the last 38 weeks where you have been constantly ill and stonewalls you when you explode about it until you apologise.

He sounds potentially violent, and a high percentage of domestic abuse/violence starts during pregnancy.

Nope. Its joint, and no i dont live in a council house, he called me that as some sort of an insult, im assuming because i was yelling etc.

What do you want from this thread? Opinions, advice on any particular aspect of your problems, or just to vent?

I have never said this before:

Run like the wind.

You've already said this isn't a one-off, is he going to ignore your child when you do something he doesn't approve of? What sort of way is that to raise a child.

You're going to need help and support over the next few weeks and months, and it doesn't sound like you're going to get it from him.

Could your mum come up for a few weeks? Any friends that can help,

You need to have a serious talk about what's going to happen from here.

Sorry you're going through this, I'm do cross on your behalf

He's not a good partner my love.

A good partner would never ever treat you like this.

he doesnt sound great. he should be being supportive and helping you more. if u could have stayed somewhere else for a bit that would have been good for you to give u a break.

He sounds delightful. Supportive. Kind. Respectful.

WHose house is it? Presumably his.

Id stop doing the shopping and the washing and the cooking and let them get on with it.

Id also be contacting womens aid and planning my escape route. Because I really see this man and his DD as taking the piss and using you. Think about your DD - do you want her to think this is normal? Think about new baby....do you really want him to grow up with your DP putting the other child first? Calling you names and ignoring you when you dont toe the line?

Seriously, are you getting much from this relationship?

I agree with Xales, do stuff for you and only you, collect your child then as soon as he's home hand over responsibility to him.

Do your own washing and cooking, call a cab to ferry you about and tell him that unless he has a change of attitude and it's you that's in pain carrying 'both' of yours child then you'll have this baby on your own and it's something he will never be able to turn the clock back on! Turn it back on him, he'll be the one missing out on seeing his child being born, not you!

You shouldn't be expected to clean sick when you're pregnant, because of the infection risk, let alone if it hurts.

And I'm not surprised you have SPD if you are still expected to lift things. I got it from lifting a bag . (I was ignoring good advice). I think it's shocking you're expected to do what you do when you're 38 weeks pregnant.

I really feel for you. Your DP should be on your side and he simply isn't. In your shoes I would be seruoulsy considering leaving.

Oh and hurling the bag across the room is completely aimed at you sorry.

He could have moved it to one side, or stepped over it. Did he chose to do this?

No he chose to hurl it violently across the room to show you what he could be capable of doing if you do push him further rather than refuse to back down. It was done to make the little woman get back in her box and shut the fuck up.

If you call him on it he 'only did it as it was in his way and you are of course over reacting again'.

sorry to read your haveing an awful time of it,Im 37 weeks and wouldnt like to be treated like this.Why are you still working?,even part time would have me pooped at the moment.

your dp sounds abit selfish imo,but I have no other advice.

sending you a hug.

Unfortunately my dd has school, the hospital is here and i dont think the baby is going to stay put for much longer!

My mum and i arent "close" so i wouldn't really involve her anyway.

I don't know what i want from this thread really, i just needed to get it down i suppose.

I know he wants an apology for the way i went off, and that i can appreciate (mouth engages before head) but he won't acknowledge in any way why i am pissed off over the sick. I had dd to get ready for school, and two huge piles of sick to clean up before i could do anything. It took agaes, and it hurt to do it, where he could have done it in two minutes.

The whole thing has turned around to be all me again. Im no angel, i do go off the rails and i am quick tempered, but sometimes its justified, and his insistence that its all me, and i must apologise is not fair.

I also feel in a very vulnerable emotional state. Im huge, im tired, im hurting and giving birth is not a distant thought. Now i feel on my own, and i feel quite tearful as my hormones have been awful this pregnancy.

He honestly isn't violent. I have no fear he will hit me, but he is quite good at this kind of stuff.

Write him a note to explain how you're feeling and what your expectations are (including when new baby is born - read through note and take out any rants. That way, he has time to consider how you're feeling and can think about how's he's going to react. There's also no chance of you losing your temper.

In the meantime, I think you need to stop doing things anyway for the sake of your health and your sanity. If there's no dinner for everyone, tough. They really need to pull their finger out. As soon as the baby gets here, it'll be a whole different ball game and you don't want him/her to arrive into a stressful situation.

You can't let yourself be treated like this though, by your partner or his teenager. Think of it another way, do you really want your own children to think that it's ok for their Mum to be treated like this? It's not on and it's got to stop.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do and with the new baby.

Get a taxi if you really need to see the midwife. Leave him to stew in his mess. If he is any sort of normal human being he'll cop on fairly sharpish that he's being an idiot.

If he doesn't, well, you have your answer about your partner.

How do you feel when he hurls things across the room?

He's abusive. It's not a great time to come to this realisation, but I wouldn't stay with him so he can affect your children and you long-term.

I see a deeply unhealthy relationship.

Swearing and name-calling are not ok. Really, really not ok, from either of you.
Nor is his throwing things in anger.
Nor is his silent treatment, and generalised contempt for you.

Nor is your insistence that you should come before his child. You don't. However, given the contempt with which he treats you, I am not surprised that you feel he does not value you : he doesn't, clearly. But you do not take precedence over his own child. You are, though, perfectly entitled to expect to be valued as a partner, and his actions do not demonstrate that he does.

You're pregnant and in pain, and this will probably not feel like the right time to make big changes. But your relationship is completely unhealthy, and I think that your own motivations for staying in it and behaving as you do need addressing.

Is there any chance that you could access some individual counselling for yourself?

His attitude sounds terrible! And if I were in your shoes I would be seriously considering leaving. I couldnt be with someone who shows such little regard not only for my health but for the health of his unborn child. The infection risk from clearing such things up whilst pregnant is very much increased not to mention you can hardly move from the sounds of it and nor should you be expected to! I am so sorry you are in this position.

they dont have to hit you to be abusive. He sounds abusive and controlling. You sound compliant - like you have bought into the idea that its all your fault. you sound like you have grown so used to being the whipping boy for him and the DD that you have internalised their comments and actually believe them. We can all lose our tempers, that doesnt make you a bad person.

I think you need to step back from this whole thing for a while. Let him sulk. Let her smirk. Do nothing for them and let sort themselves out. Hold the line and dont fret about the baby.

Get emergency childcare sorted for when baby decides to put in an appearance. beg a friend if they can have your DD if it happens in school time. people love to feel needed, and im sure one of them will step up. Ask your DDs best friends mum if need be. have a back-up plan - like your mum coming down for a day or two and collecting DD from the friend. Have a cab company number to hand.

Make plans for him being an arse and refusing to have anything to do with your baby. If he sees you doing it for yourself, then he loses that power over you....because this is his game...he wants you to feel powerless so he can feel powerful.

If the house is owned and in joint names, gather whatever documents you need and copy them. Seperate your finances now, before baby exhaustion takes over. In short, be ready to leave if things get nasty.

This was the first time he hurled anything. I was a bit upset i suppose, because it had all the newborn stuff in it, which obviously most mums have a touch of pride in and it was a bit.......i dont know.......like he was saying he couldn't give a shit.

I don't expect to come above his daughter but there are times when one persons needs have to be put at the top of the pile, and this was one of those occasions.

My life was turned upside down over the last year or so to facilitate her needs, so i don't think its unfair to ask that sometimes when i need something i am first.

I wouldn't say we have an unhealthy relationship because we swear and shout sometimes. No children were around, and that is just the way we are when the tempers get going.

I have text him and tried to explain how this is making me feel, and how he can't just "ignore" the pregnancy because he has the hump, but he has ignored it.

When i saw him earlier he gave me a look of just pure dislike.