Due to give birth, huge row, Dp not interested in me or baby now

[pregnantandpooped]

This has been a difficult pregnancy for me, i've been sick constantly and am knackered. The baby is due in the next 2 weeks, but is lying wrong, causing me extreme discomfort on top of SPD.

Me and DP had a huge row yesterday. I was in the right to be annoyed, but, as is my way, i lost my temper and went to far, and had a go over his dd (my 15 year old sd) who has given us grief for months.

It started over dog sick. My dog was badly sick on the kitchen floor, which is unusual. SDs dog regularly has the runs all over the kitchen, which i clean up. DP said he didnt do sick, and i would have to do it. Fair enough, but at the moment, i cant get down to do stuff like that without A LOT of pain and my pelvis locking up. It isnt quick or easy, so i asked him to do it, and if needed get SD to help as i have cleaned up her dogs mess often enough. SD announced "forget it, im not doing it" and her and DP went off, just leaving me with it!!

I was mighty pissed off, and sent a text saying so, and that between them they could have managed to do that one thing for me. I got back that i should stop whining, SD (15) is a child and we have different expectations of children. I asked if SD ranked above me then, and if it was easier to see me in pain doing something than to get her to help? DP replied "just fuck off and shut up"

I went and spoke to him later, and yes i did lose my temper, and was not highly complimentary about SD, who has caused huge problems lately. I feel like she rates above me all the time, and it all revolves around her. SHe lives here 60/40 and has not once helped me, to the point last week she laid on the settee and watched me drag 15 bags of food shopping in, without even helping or offering.
No, i should not have gone off about her, but there is a point past which i wont be pushed, and being left by two able adults to do something i have told them i cant do without great pain, is too far. He, however, was a shit to me, and told me i could have the baby in the street like the screaming council house dweller i am.

Dp now not speaking to me. I need to see the MW again today, as i think the baby is on a nerve or something. Either way im in pain, and possibly having mild contractions.

I told DP i needed to see her. He shrugged. I asked if he wanted to know why, he said, no, because at the moment i am angry at you, and the baby is part of you and therefore i cant seperate it from you!!

This isnt the first time he has "checked out" from the baby. In fact, all through this pregnancy he has done it when i have upset him.

Ive told him today that we are about to become parents together (we have seperate children) and that he cant just refuse to take any interest or show any concern because he isnt speaking to me! As far as im concerned, it makes him just as bad as he claims i am. I also asked him what kind of man doesnt ask why someone needs to see the midwife? He replied, im just not interested, im not speaking to you, and the baby is you.

He has basically told me he's had enough of me and my being a dick head, and he'll behave how he wants about the baby, and if i end up in labour early, or giving birth on my own then thats my fault for my carry on. I was being calm and trying to talk reasonably, but i just got swearing and shouting, until he just walked away.

Now im stuck at home and dont know what to do. I have my 6 year old to get from school, and then him and SD will be home later. I will then have an evening of him being super nice to everyone whilst making it clear he is ignoring me.

HE often does this, even over rows that i dont always think are solely down to me, until i apologise or he gets fed up or whatever. Until then, at 38 weeks pregnant i will cease to exist until he decides to speak.

I have a hospital bag packed and a nursery all done and i have no idea if we are together or what.

I cant stay anywhere else as i would have to take dd, and im too close to having the baby to put that on someone, and my mum is about 200 miles away.

Dp normally a good partner, but he does this when he see's me as being unreasonable. I was OTT with what i said, but i get pushed to a fucking point in this house where im sick of everyone assuming i can still cook, clean, shop and wash (whilst still doing my part time job) despite the trouble im having, and it tends to come to a head in an explosion. The dog sick was that explosion.

I was huge at 38 weeks and didn't do much more than sit about feeling huge on a birthing ball! I'm sorry op that you're just realising what your situation is at this point.

My dh cleans up cat poo and sick. Sometimes we have words about stuff. These things are normal.

It's not normal for everyone to ignore mum and she be given the silent treatment. It's not normal for dad to throw mums hospital bag across the room. It's not normal for a heavily pregnant woman to wait hand and foot on able bodied adults and teenagers.

You know, all this is going on and your stressing about standing up for yourself a tiny bit by not making their tea. Can't you see however shouty or not you may be, that this isn't ok?

This is such a sad thread to read

At a time when you should be relaxing and looking forward to being a mum again you have this awful shit to deal with, its not right and I know you know this OP.. make the best decisions for you, bump and your little girl.

Im sickened that he involves your 6 year old daughter in his abuse of you!

"When he is like this i just look at him and see a different person to the one i know."

The person you think you know is a mirage. This is who he is.

"He looks at me, but he doesn't see me or how much he's hurting me."

Yes he does.

He is trying to hurt you.

Not some stranger that has taken over his body, HIM.

He is spiteful, cruel, a bully. That's the man you are forcing your child to live with.

She deserves better.

At 15 she should not expect you to cook dinner.
At 15 she can cook her own.

Your dp can make food for himself, and you. But he wont, because he is a manipulative and abusive man.

This is who he is.

He can be both. Both lovely, and horrid. And that is how he holds you trapped. If he was horrid all the time, you would have left long ago. This is why he has to sometimes be nice, and that is the "other him". The show he puts on.

You sound absolutely lovely. A delightful, articulate, funny, hardworking, feisty woman. He sounds like a fucking cunt. Of course he's nice some of the time or you wouldnt stay with him, but seriously you cannot live like this. You are being bullied in your own home and now he's encouraging your 6 year old to do the same. It's beyond reason, please leave him.

I bet you still think we are all over egging the problem, we aren't. He's a twat.

You need to leave, I know at 38 weeks it's an absolute shitter but he is an abusive c* of the highest order.

Now im pregnant i feel like the fight is gone out of me. A year or so again i would probably have punched him in the face, got my dd and got out of there.

Being about to have a baby does put a different slant on things, and i have so many factors to consider here (where to go being one!) I feel very vulnerable, almost like i can't do anything right now, and like he knows it.

I doubt he will actually want to split up, he'll be like this for a week or less then it'll all be forgotten. I'll bring it up calmly, we'll talk and he'll acknowledge how bad his behaviour was and that will be that, until next time.

Normally i wouldn't care, but i need a bit of support and i have no where to get any, and my pelvis hurts and the baby digs in when i sit down, and i want someone to make me a cup of tea and tell me to rest, not spend the night whistling to show how happy he is and how he doesn't even notice me, while i try to ride out the storm.

I always stick up for myself here. Im not a doormat, and i accept that being the one who works less hours more will fall to me, but i find my life is harder when i stick up for myself. If i shrugged my shoulders and let it be water off a ducks back then life would probably run smoother.

This is just awful I don't usually say this but you need to get out and now. Have you friends/relatives?

OP please stop making excuses for him. He's behaving badly towards you and using his SD to gang up on you. Using children in an argument is pretty low and petty behaviour. It won't get any better when there's a newborn baby around. You shouldn't have to worry about his reaction when he gets home. He's bullying you please don't stick around for more.

good grief, I wouldn't normally comment on a thread like this, but I think your life will be a thousand, million times better without this person. As an ex step parent, the tsunami of resentment that builds up around step children is one thing, but his direct treatment of you made me physically shudder. There is a choice and it's this; pain now, or pain later. I would (and have done) always choose pain now in the sure and certain knowledge that life is meant to be a lot better than this. Very, very best of luck and with your lovely new baby when it arrives.

I doubt he will actually want to split up

Do you think you need his agreement to end things?

Unfortunatly it seems your DD is getting caught up in this as well. Her loyalities will be divided
Poor DD poor you.

Is ths what you want form life? Is this what you want to teach your DD - that this is a normal relationship.

If not for yourself you owe it to your DC's to leave this obnoxious man and his obnoxious DD.
They deserve better

So what him is he going to be when he gets in?

A vile abusive shit?

or

The one who realises he may have pushed OP just a little too far so he had better make it up by being sorry but you know what he is like about sick and pushed his buttons. Ie it is all your fault really...

So sorry for you sweetie. You are being treated very badly, and this is even worse than normal in your condition. It is frightening even to read your post.

I know it's not easy, but please have the strength to move on with your life and go wherever you have support.

x x x

My mum said 'anything for a quiet life' to me at the weekend as she waiting hand and foot on my mil at the weekend (don't ask). I realised she'd been saying that to me all my life about my dad. She is not happy. It doesn't work.

I'm currently on mat leave and dh works full time. I don't do all the cleaning, cooking, washing, shopping etc. When I go back to work part time then I still won't do it all. I do more childcare but that's because I'm here and he's at work.

A family is a partnership. I think it only works when everyone pulls together. I don't think you can make a family out of this collection of individuals you have found yourself with, sorry.

"Being about to have a baby does put a different slant on things, and i have so many factors to consider here (where to go being one!)"

Another one is how much more difficult it will be to get out of this situation when you have a baby.

It's hard to do much at 38 weeks pregnant, but it's not about to get any easier.

"I feel very vulnerable, almost like i can't do anything right now, and like he knows it."

He does know it.

That's why he's being so openly abusive now.

Because he thinks you're trapped.

You're not.

But it says everything about him that his response to your vulnerability is extra cruelty rather than extra care.

Hard as it would be right now I think it would be easier to leave and have hardly any money than stay and have a new born in this relationship.

I can see him feeding himself and his D financially but not you if he was pissed with you or denying you basic neccesities because he is ignoring you.

I think the best thing you can do if someone is being abusive around the time of a birth is talk to a midwife and get help. It is a lot more common than you might realise. They have all sorts of advice and resources available to them that might help you.

Where abouts do you live OP?
If you live local to me I am happy to help you with practical support like bringing you some dinner, picking up your dd from school...

Thanks everyone.

I know i sound dead feeble, and i probably am, but i wish it was as simple as just packing up and going to my friends today.

No one has room for us, dd has school tomorrow and half term, i have work and the baby coming. All my baby stuff is here, all my dds stuff is here.

If i was single id be off no questions (i have in the past) but i have 2 children i have to factor into this. We need to live somewhere.

DDs dad doesn't see her, DP is the only father figure she has ever known, and her life is here and i have to think before i do anything.

Right now my head is everywhere. Every bit of my lower body hurts, im knackered, im nervous about him coming home, i want to lose my temper at him, but it gets me nowhere, ive done nothing but think all day. DD knows something is up, and is quite hard work at the best of times, but she has kept on and on since coming home. I feel like bursting into tears, but i can't do that because he will think its over him, and i won't give him that satisfaction of thinking im all melodramatic.

I now have responsibility to my dd and one who isn't even born.

My family are quite judgey (everyone is married and has kids by the same person) and there were raised eyebrows when i met dp because he had children (my family are very odd, that sort of thing is alien to them) and now i have another baby by another man (nearly) and another relationship that is a fuck up and i know how its going to be about the slightly wild sister who just runs around having babies willy nilly, their support will be minimal as we are scattered far and wide and they have their own lives and families. They all have great well paid jobs, whereas im the one who always seems to fly by the seat of her pants.

I cant be the failure again, i just cant.

I also wouldn't be surprised if i went into labour today, im that worked up. I've barely been off the loo today, which is how it was last time. Im just fucked really.

This is so sad.
You have had very good advice from people who know what they are talking about.
I know its not easy or simple to do the things they are suggesting.

When I was pg my OH cleaned up any dog poo/sick/wee and the dogs are all mine. My OH has multiple sclerosis so bending down is not easy for him either.
But he did it because that is what someone who cares about someone will do. He is not a wimp or henpecked. At that point in our lives he put my needs before his own.
Because he knew that as soon as I was the more able one I would do the same.

That is what you deserve pregnant. Not a man who simply opts out of being a partner and a father when he is sulking.

You aren't a failure. And you aren't feeble.

Far from it.

"DP is the only father figure she has ever known"

That the only father figure she has ever known emotionally abuses her by implicating her is the abuse of her own mother is not a reason to stay.