Due to give birth, huge row, Dp not interested in me or baby now

[pregnantandpooped]

This has been a difficult pregnancy for me, i've been sick constantly and am knackered. The baby is due in the next 2 weeks, but is lying wrong, causing me extreme discomfort on top of SPD.

Me and DP had a huge row yesterday. I was in the right to be annoyed, but, as is my way, i lost my temper and went to far, and had a go over his dd (my 15 year old sd) who has given us grief for months.

It started over dog sick. My dog was badly sick on the kitchen floor, which is unusual. SDs dog regularly has the runs all over the kitchen, which i clean up. DP said he didnt do sick, and i would have to do it. Fair enough, but at the moment, i cant get down to do stuff like that without A LOT of pain and my pelvis locking up. It isnt quick or easy, so i asked him to do it, and if needed get SD to help as i have cleaned up her dogs mess often enough. SD announced "forget it, im not doing it" and her and DP went off, just leaving me with it!!

I was mighty pissed off, and sent a text saying so, and that between them they could have managed to do that one thing for me. I got back that i should stop whining, SD (15) is a child and we have different expectations of children. I asked if SD ranked above me then, and if it was easier to see me in pain doing something than to get her to help? DP replied "just fuck off and shut up"

I went and spoke to him later, and yes i did lose my temper, and was not highly complimentary about SD, who has caused huge problems lately. I feel like she rates above me all the time, and it all revolves around her. SHe lives here 60/40 and has not once helped me, to the point last week she laid on the settee and watched me drag 15 bags of food shopping in, without even helping or offering.
No, i should not have gone off about her, but there is a point past which i wont be pushed, and being left by two able adults to do something i have told them i cant do without great pain, is too far. He, however, was a shit to me, and told me i could have the baby in the street like the screaming council house dweller i am.

Dp now not speaking to me. I need to see the MW again today, as i think the baby is on a nerve or something. Either way im in pain, and possibly having mild contractions.

I told DP i needed to see her. He shrugged. I asked if he wanted to know why, he said, no, because at the moment i am angry at you, and the baby is part of you and therefore i cant seperate it from you!!

This isnt the first time he has "checked out" from the baby. In fact, all through this pregnancy he has done it when i have upset him.

Ive told him today that we are about to become parents together (we have seperate children) and that he cant just refuse to take any interest or show any concern because he isnt speaking to me! As far as im concerned, it makes him just as bad as he claims i am. I also asked him what kind of man doesnt ask why someone needs to see the midwife? He replied, im just not interested, im not speaking to you, and the baby is you.

He has basically told me he's had enough of me and my being a dick head, and he'll behave how he wants about the baby, and if i end up in labour early, or giving birth on my own then thats my fault for my carry on. I was being calm and trying to talk reasonably, but i just got swearing and shouting, until he just walked away.

Now im stuck at home and dont know what to do. I have my 6 year old to get from school, and then him and SD will be home later. I will then have an evening of him being super nice to everyone whilst making it clear he is ignoring me.

HE often does this, even over rows that i dont always think are solely down to me, until i apologise or he gets fed up or whatever. Until then, at 38 weeks pregnant i will cease to exist until he decides to speak.

I have a hospital bag packed and a nursery all done and i have no idea if we are together or what.

I cant stay anywhere else as i would have to take dd, and im too close to having the baby to put that on someone, and my mum is about 200 miles away.

Dp normally a good partner, but he does this when he see's me as being unreasonable. I was OTT with what i said, but i get pushed to a fucking point in this house where im sick of everyone assuming i can still cook, clean, shop and wash (whilst still doing my part time job) despite the trouble im having, and it tends to come to a head in an explosion. The dog sick was that explosion.

Do you want to have a baby with a man like this???

And his 15 (!) year old DD?

You are well within your rights to demand that they contribute significantly at home, or move out.
Their attitude is appalling.

He is not a good partner (I agree with earlier postings). And you need to stop doing things for him and his child.

Your baby's needs come first right now, and consequently, yours.

Happy families (including those involving step children etc) don't rank each other in order of importance. They work together, consider each others' needs and are kind to each other - or at least they try to be!

Why would you want to settle for anything less?

I used to think I was quick tempered. My ex and I argued lots, all the time (as I did with my mum, but that's another thread)

But I don't consider I am now. I was infuriated with my ex as he was infuriating! It was him not me.

I don't argue with my DP. We Pisa each other off occasionally, but we've never called each other names, or shouted at each other. It wasn't a personality flaw of mine it was the situation!

I was a bit upset i suppose, because it had all the newborn stuff in it, which obviously most mums have a touch of pride in and it was a bit.......i dont know.......like he was saying he couldn't give a shit. Not like he couldn't give a shit because he doesn't give a shit.

I wouldn't say we have an unhealthy relationship because we swear and shout sometimes. You don't have an unhealthy relation ship because of this. You have an unhealthy relationship because he ignores you, uses you as a domestic servant to service him and his DD, does not give you any help or support and uses violent actions to intimidate you.

Your child may not see the shouting and swearing. What she sees in the evening is you (the woman) being treated with icy contempt, not even dished up dinner and totally ignored until she grovels and apologises or the daddy is bored or wants something so acknowledges her again.

Your DD is learning that this is how she should be treated when she grows up.

hattifattner is right about sorting stuff for the new baby's arrival. She's also right about you taking power away from him.

By him ignoring your text it gives him power, just shrug your shoulders at it all and make preparations for the new arrival.

As you said, you scream and shout and argue as some couples do, but do you also know that being slightly moody and unrealistic comes with being 38 weeks pregnant and he should be making allowances for this!

He should also be setting a good example to his DD and making her help you! Carry the shopping in, or mopping up sick - whatever it might be! It's a good thing to help other people out - or so you'd think!

I'm not saying you should leave him or any such thing, but you do need to make sure he knows he's being unreasonable (ok you did shout too, but you are 38 weeks pregnant and allowed to be slightly pissed off). Take back control and don't bow to his wishes!

I don't think it's a matter of precedence. In that sense you have worded it wrongly.

A 15 year old should be expected to help at home, particularly in a home she lives quite a lot of the time and someone that does a lot for her.

She is not a child.
Even my 7 year old is expected to help at home and clean up if he spills some things, etc.

The matter is that she is expected to contribute at home, yes (unlike what he says), and you are not her maid. Not even her mother.
As a mother I would have expected my 15 year old to clear up sick for me if I was in pain.
I would ask politely, BTW.
But would definitely be upset if I was refused.

When i saw him earlier he gave me a look of just pure dislike.

Believe him. He does not like you.

Also, please question the way you are normalising the unacceptable:

This was the first time he hurled anything.

And that makes it OK how?

I wouldn't say we have an unhealthy relationship because we swear and shout sometimes. No children were around, and that is just the way we are when the tempers get going.

It doesn't matter if there is no-one around, or a whole arena of children standing witness: if partners choose to hurl insults at each other, the relationship does not contain any respect.

I did ask politely over the sick. I gave him a hug and said i couldn't do it, and if he couldn't face it then maybe SD could help him, at which she was "im not doing it"
Then they left.

When i moaned he text back saying he couldn't do sick but that he loved me xxxx

I should have left it there, but i said i didn't care if he could do sick or not, i couldn't do getting up and down to clean it up, but that no one had cut me any slack from that, which is how he started on about my whining etc.

My heads all over the place how to handle this.

I just want to sit peacefully with a cup of tea and think happy thoughts, not spend the night thinking if i should leave, being ignored, how to sort this out in any way shape or form, putting on a sunny face for my dd whilst just wanting to scream, then dreading him coming home because i'll be the outcast in the house, not knowing whether to do dinner and just leave it on the side for them or not cook then risk looking petty. I want to think about baby names, and how to make sure i get an epidural and look at my baby stuff and feel excited.

Im feeling tearful just thinking about it. I can't believe how a row over fucking dog sick has got to this, 2 weeks before the baby and im being ignored, the babies being ignored (as such) im the bad guy again and ive no where to go.

I could probably go to his mums. We had a huge row about 6 months ago, and i spoke to her and she told me to come and stay if i ever needed to, she also gave him a right bollocking over it as well. But they're old, and his parents, and i can't run to them everytime i cant sort something out like im 5 or something.....

then dreading him coming home because i'll be the outcast in the house you know this is coming. It is his way of punishing you for thinking things should be done any differently to his way of thinking they should be done, i.e. you do everything and he does nothing even at this late stage of pregnancy.

This is how he is intimidating you into behaving as he wants you. So that you won't suffer this.

He may not be hitting you but it is abuse.

You are 100% right you should not be going through this, you should be sitting looking forward to the birth of your child with a cup of tea and thinking how great it is going to be when this beautiful new baby arrives.

His selfish behaviour is the reason you are.

You won't look petty to any SANE person - he looks petty for getting into the sulks because he insisted his nine months pregnant partner get down on her hands and knees and clean the floor. Do you see?

Sorry, it really all depends on how "OTT" you were. He texted you saying that "he couldn't do sick and that he loved you".

How does it all go from there to considering leaving him??

Don't you think that you both need time to calm down and to apologise to each other, you both sound as bad as one another added to which he is obviously stubborn and you are hormonal.

I don't usually post in relationships but I came across your thread in active covos. This man is not a good partner, he shouldn't ever treat you like that never mind when you are heavily preg. I really think you new to look at what you get from this relationship because to me it doesn't look like you gain anything. Is your DD happy? How does he treat her. Oh and your SD is plenty old enough to know better but her dad is letting her get away with shitty behaviour. All the best for whatever you decide x

I know im right over the sick. He's seen how hard im finding things, and the SPD is much worse 2nd time around.

I didn't handle it right, i shouldn't have gone mad, because it always ends up like this, but if i try any other way its just treated like a big joke and that gets me no where at all, which in turn infuriates me and turns into a row.

I've had this with him over SD and her utter utter laziness, i've tried nice conversation, i've tried to explain etc and it goes no where until i lose my temper, but then where it goes to is here. Its like there is no saying anything that he doesnt want to hear.

I've cut my hours down at work, but even so, i just seem to be working and working. Im not sitting with my feet up, but he see's it as he works full time and has stuff to do when he gets in, and all i do is cooking, cleaning and some shopping and washing. He'll bring up how much he helps, but he doesnt, not really. HE might try for a day or two, but its very half hearted, and yes he does all the DIY and odd jobs, but even that causes a mess which is left until i clean it up.

Im told often how easy i have it, and how much he runs around after me, which he does sometimes, but he gets a lot back in return. I pay my way here, i don't ask him for money and i keep this house and family (as such) together, but i don't get anything for that. His dd has no affection, or even thought for me, and he does, until something like this happens, in which case im on my own, however difficult the situation is for me.

He sounds like a cunt!

Have you posted about him and his daughter before? Sounds familiar.

When i moaned he text back saying he couldn't do sick but that he loved me xxxx

That's what love is all about, FFS!

Doing things we "can't do" because the other person is in a much worse state.

I'm sorry to say this, but when are you going to realise that you SHOULDN'T be doing all of those things whilst 38 weeks pregnant.

You SHOULD be sat around drinking tea and having him and his DD running around after you - it's what any normal bloke would be doing.

Stop making excuses for him! You exploded which was wrong, but you've got a bloody big excuse, and his excuse is to treat you badly when he should be looking after you, not expecting you to be cooking and cleaning!

He went from "i love you xxxxx" to "fucking shut up" in the space of two messages.

I told him that him and SD could easily between them have done the bit of cleaning, and how he finds it easier to upset me than be firm with SD (its true) so i then got back the "fuck off" text

Then i rang him, which involved him yelling at me, even though i was actually quite calm, and telling me again to just shut up before putting the phone down.

I then stupidly went to see him, because by this time i was annoyed, and thats just me im afraid, and he ended up just screaming at me again. Which is how i ended up with my temper going, although having spoken to him today, he will tell you differently, even though he has screamed at me on the phone and in person again today, while i was calm again.

I know it needs time to calm down, but oddly, he seems to get progressively more angry over the days, i don't really know why, which doesn't really help.

Ive no idea now if he's going to be there for the baby, or if it will blow over or what.

I suppose i will do the dinner (i have stuff that needs to be cooked anyway) and feed me and dd early, leaving theirs on the side. I can then be upstairs when he comes home, in the shower or something. If they don't eat it then i'll not bother tomorrow, or does that make me seem like a sap? Last big row i went on strike for a week, which seemed to work, but right now i havent got the energy for the playing mind games, i just want some peace, and i can't sit at the table again not being dished up any dinner or being excluded from the pudding being handed out again.

Sorry for going on, its like all the thoughts in my head are just coming out.

Oh OP, how awful for you. I'm afraid I agree with the posters that are saying this man is extremely abusive, he really doesn't like you at all, and will probably get much worse once the baby has arrived.

You really need to start thinking about how you can get yourself and your child/soon to arrive as far away from him as possible.

How's your little girl coping?

No, not posted before, regular lurker, but i don't like to put my stuff down, but who in RL am i going to run this little diamond past?????

The thing I am finding most worrying is how much you are blaming yourself for this all coming to a head. He really has done a job of work on you, hasn't he? You're nearing the end of a difficult pregnancy with an unsupportive manipulative partner and the dead weight of a lazy-arsed teenager expecting maid-service. You ask for help with something small to them but big to you, and this is how they behave? And throughout this thread you're apologetic because this upset you and you shouted a bit? No, no, no, he backed you not a corner to make you do that; he is emotionally abusing you.

This is not a nice person. You need to consider your immediate future.

"I could probably go to his mums. We had a huge row about 6 months ago, and i spoke to her and she told me to come and stay if i ever needed to, she also gave him a right bollocking over it as well. But they're old, and his parents, and i can't run to them everytime i cant sort something out like im 5 or something....."
You don't run to them every time, but there are times when you should and this is one of them. Do not let his behaviour become a dirty little secret that you hide from the world, this woman has sincerely offered you support, I suggest you take her up on it. Even just a couple of days respite with people who care about you more than your DP will help you to gain some perspective on what is normal behaviour and what is not, and which side he falls on (IMO his is not).

he backed you not a corner = he backed you into a corner

Good god, what an absolute prick. Don't you dare cook his dinner. Make you and your dd a sandwich , put her to bed and then go to bed yourself. Have a think about what you'd have to do if it was just you and dd, and just do that.

And I want you to strongly consider leaving him, or throwing him out.

Good god, what an absolute prick. Don't you dare cook his dinner. Make you and your dd a sandwich , put her to bed and then go to bed yourself. Have a think about what you'd have to do if it was just you and dd, and just do that.

Couldn't agree more colditz

I don't ask him for money

Is this a partnership or a flatshare? Are you his partner or an unpaid housekeeper? I can't see any evidence of genuine love and mutual support here. I think you also need to look at why you think it's ok to be treated this way.

I would be making plans to move on. I know it's a really terrible time, but plans nonetheless.