Is this bad and should I leave?

[isitasbadasithink]

Hi I am hoping one of you lovely ladies can help with a dilemma I am having.

I have been with my dp for 5 years and have a 10 month old ds. The relationship isn't that great, he is pretty lazy and can be verbally abusive sone of the time (by which I mean telling me to fuck off or calling me a cunt etc). On top of that he has always had a higher sex drive than me and I have often given in to having sex with him at least 3 times a week to keep the peace ( he sulks or calls me frigid if I don't). I know just reading that back how bad that sounds by the way :-(.

This afternoon due to the fact I have been wearing a bikini he has kept groping me and telling me he can't wait to get me alone. When I was in the bedroom I agreed to sex to kind of get it over and done with and to avoid an argument. During the act it started really hurting as it often does and I told him to stop. He told me he was to close to finishing and continued with me struggling for about 20 seconds or so. When it was over he said he was angry at me for making it look like he was the bad person for continuing and stormed out of the room.

I feel numb and maybe I am over reacting. It probably was hard for him to stop but why do I feel so violated? Does anyone have any advice on what I should do now? I would be ever so grateful.

Yes, it's bad, and yes, you should be making plans to leave. Sex you don't want is rape. And he knows it.

The whole relationship sounds awful, he's not loving or caring or considerate and he doesn't take "no" for an answer

Speak to womens aid and ask to join their freedom programme, you will be so much happier without him.

you feel violated because he's raped you.

i am so sorry, i'm sure that's not what you want to call it, but that's what it is. he was hurting you and you were asking him to stop and he didn't. you poor thing.

you need to leave sweetheart, you need to take DS and go, he can't grow up under the care of a rapist and a verbal abuser.

What the other respondents have written to the letter.

You do not want this man as a role model for your son to look up to and potentially copy. What on earth is he learning about relationships here?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. No good will come of remaining within this; he is systematically destroying you. You and your son can make a good life for yourselves without him in it.

Please call Womens Aid; they can and will help you here.

Oh lovely. The reason you feel violated is because you were. Your partner raped you. You told him to stop. You withdrew your consent. He carried on. That is rape. I'm so sorry. Do not diminish your feelings; they are very valid.

And his behaviour before this incident, pressuring you to have sex, being verbally abusive etc doesn't exactly show him in a positive light. I'm guessing there are other problems in your relationship too?

I'm sure other posters will be along soon with more constructive advice. In the meantime, have some unmumsnetty

Read first paragraph and no.....it's not as bad as you think....it's worse.

He's blaming you because he knows what he did was inexcusable. He turned it back on you before you could say anything so you wouldn't feel able to say anything- you'd be too busy defending yourself against his anger. What he did was awful.

And it isn't hard to stop. My partner has stopped many many times when I have had trouble with my back and pain, it isn't somehow more difficult for men to stop during the middle of sex, I promise.

He is a rapist and a scummy person who carried on having sex with you while you tried to get away.

You can contact rape crisis for advice and support, here is their website: www.rapecrisis.org.uk/. They are non-judgmental and hear from people in your position often.

0808 802 9999
12 - 2.30pm
7 - 9.30pm

And they have centres you can visit: www.rapecrisis.org.uk/centres.php

You need to get away from him. His behaviour as a whole sounds terrible and it will continue this way and most likely get worse. People like him do not stop what they do. Do you have family nearby that you can stay with? Please do not be afraid or ashamed to ask them for help, or worry that you are a bother. If you know someone who can offer assistance please go to them. You can also call Women's Aid like another person said, and ask for help getting to somewhere safe.

Please talk to someone in real life, this is not healthy.

You don't need us to validate your feelings. Whatever you feel is what you feel, do not let him tell you otherwise.

Oh, and yes, you should definitely leave. You need to protect yourself and your son. You do not want him growing up like your partner, raping his partner who he is supposed to love and being emotionally abusive.

Btw tge fact he could 'finish' with you saying no and struggling speaks volumes, I know my dh wouldn't be able too.

I am reading your replies and I agree. I am not what I consider w person but looking how I have been living I have been that for a long while. I have to admit I am devastated that this has happened. I don't even know where to start when it come to leaving. Do I need money if I call woman's aid? He has threatened to murder me if I leave (always jokingly of course). Christ what have I brought my poor little boy into what a joke :-(

I think you'll find that he isn't really joking, he may not try to murder you but he will up the anti and make it very very difficult for you to leave

That was meant to say a weak person sorry all over the place

You don't need money. You just need yourself and your boy. Women's Aid will help you and believe you and will take the "joking" threats seriously. Get the real life support you need to be safe (but obviously keep posting here too).

you don't need money to ring WA or go to a refuge, they set it up very carefully so that even women whose partners are witholding money from them can still get away.

just ring them, and talk, they will know what to ask and how to help you.

don't say a WORD to him. don't do or say a single thing to alert him to how you feel or that you want help to get away from him. keep him in the dark, erase your history on your phone/computer, you are not safe if he knows what you're thinking.

and ring WA immediately.

You are so not over reacting!

You told him it was hurting and struggled to stop him and he just carried on and used your body. Then he decides it is your fault he looks bad!!!

Tells you everything you need to know about this vile man.

I am nervous about what will happen after I leave in regards to contact. I know he will use ds to get to me. Will I need a solicitor? He is not on the birth certificate because he didnt want to be. I don't want him to find me or talk to him. Everything seems so much harder when you have no friends to talk to. I have my mother but she isn't really the emotional type. I don't know what I should take with me. I have a car so I guess maybe when he goes to work tomorrow to just pack as much as I can. I am shaking tonight at him coming to bed and starting on me. I am just so exhausted now and I just want to be happy and for my little boy to be safe. Thank you for all your replies and I apologise for any atrocious spelling.

don't worry about solicitors and such. honestly, WA will help you, they've helped thousands of women do this and they know what's what.

if you can't ring now, ring them once he's out tomorrow, and ask them what to pack. bear in mind that even if you leave with nothing at all, you will still be OK.

you may want to start gathering photographs and identity documents. erase your history very carefully. e-mail any digital photos or docs to an address you can access from anywhere. do it quietly and without raising suspicion.

remember, if you're afraid of him, you can call the police right now and they will come round and protect you if need be.

Are you strong enough to go to the police? I know is is only your word against his (we believe you) however even if they do nothing but note it, then it is the start of a documentary process if he does cause you more grief.

Make sure you get the important documents! I have no idea of the exhaustive list. Birth certs, passports etc, bank stuff.

Do you have a joint account? Get hold of the bank and stop him stripping the account and leaving you with the debt.

Good luck!

Be brave and strong and get out of there asap! Don't tell him anything. I am a grandmother,been married twice, once to a bully and once to a stalker, so I know what it's like. Look after yourself and your ds. ((hugs))

You poor darling, yes you need to leave. As the wise women above have advised, be careful. Keep posting here for support.
You deserve to be respected, cared for and happy, everyone does.

Can only echo what everyone else has said. All the very best, stay strong

No joint accounts thank god. He is a gambler and I like to save what tiny amount of money I have trying to get a deposit to buy a house. I have about 6k in savings of which 2 I can access easily. I am just going to stay quiet tonight I am far too scared of going to the police as pathetic as that sounds. For one I am afraid they may think I am lying and 2 and wouldn't want to ruin his life (how stupid I know). I feel guilty enough taking his son away from him. This has happened to him before and he barely sees his other son.

My poor baby is now going to suffer because of all this. He is what has stopped from leaving everyone he has called me names as I didn't want him to grow up without a dad like I did. This feels like the lowest point of my life right now. I can't even register in my head what happened earlier without thinking I am over reacting. I know deep down I am not though what a mess.