Is this bad and should I leave?

[isitasbadasithink]

Hi I am hoping one of you lovely ladies can help with a dilemma I am having.

I have been with my dp for 5 years and have a 10 month old ds. The relationship isn't that great, he is pretty lazy and can be verbally abusive sone of the time (by which I mean telling me to fuck off or calling me a cunt etc). On top of that he has always had a higher sex drive than me and I have often given in to having sex with him at least 3 times a week to keep the peace ( he sulks or calls me frigid if I don't). I know just reading that back how bad that sounds by the way :-(.

This afternoon due to the fact I have been wearing a bikini he has kept groping me and telling me he can't wait to get me alone. When I was in the bedroom I agreed to sex to kind of get it over and done with and to avoid an argument. During the act it started really hurting as it often does and I told him to stop. He told me he was to close to finishing and continued with me struggling for about 20 seconds or so. When it was over he said he was angry at me for making it look like he was the bad person for continuing and stormed out of the room.

I feel numb and maybe I am over reacting. It probably was hard for him to stop but why do I feel so violated? Does anyone have any advice on what I should do now? I would be ever so grateful.

Sorry, that should be you DONT have to allow him to see your DS

Don't worry about all that at the moment. You are not breaking up the family, he is by treating you this way - you have no other option.
Just focus on one thing at a time. Keep calm. Do remember to change all your passwords, including mumsnet one.
You have the right to a normal life, he does not own you, you are not a possession, you are a person.
This sounds like it has been building up for a long time.

I am posting using my phone so he can't see what I am writing luckily. I never use the laptop anymore after I discovered the key logger. This has been building for a very long time you are right. I have put up with verbal abuse and the sexual bullying for far too long. I absolutely refuse to let ds grow up with such disrespect and hatred for women as his father seems to have.

Thank you for the advice re visitation. I guess I will need to get something sorted via solicitor in regards to a contact centre. He has been in another 2 times so far trying to start general chit chat, keeps asking if I love him and if I am happy. It's very hard to keep myself calm and relaxed talking to him.

If he you think he is at all suspicious tell him your feeling a bit I'll, tummy upset - too much sun mixed with wine.

He's worried because he knows that what he did was wrong, and he is expecting reassurance from you that are not going to go the police or leave.

So, I agree with MaBumble. Tell him you are feeling rough after the sun etc and that you are sorry if you are not being good company.

isitasbadasithink Get advice, support and do things at a pace to suit you. lots of good advice here, but you can plan your escape, it doesnt have to happen sooner than you're ready. Some local authorities run schemes helping to eject abusive men, enabling women to stay in their houses. Have a look online and in your local yellow pages for similar help. Good luck to you

Oh poor you. So sorry this has happened to you and that your (D)H has treated you this way. It's bad. But you don't have to leave today or tomorrow. Just soon. You could go and talk to someone tomorrow and work out your plan. Make sure you take all your financial stuff with you and everything you need. If you rush today or tomorrow you may forget stuff. But plan and go soon. {{hugs}}

And change all your passwords NOW!

This is horrible - you poor thing. :(

You've got some great advice here op so I really hope you take it.

I have taken on board all of the amazing advice I have gotten tonight and trust me I am leaving. I love my ds more than anything in this world and I will give him the right role models. I can be mum and dad to him.

I know I don't have to rush an escape. I have been looking at the woman's aid site and got a good list and ideas about an emergency bag. I have a feeling he may know what I am planning. He mentioned skipping work tomorrow and taking ds out to the beach. I just half agreed and left it at that. Hopefully he doesn't really mean it, just checking my response.

You could always ask the police to come round whilst you pack. They will do that, you know.

He's insisted you didn't put his name on the birth certificate? It sounds as though he anticipated he wouldn't have to pay maintenance when the relationship ended.

Please don't tell your mum where you are, when you go to Women's Aid. He may put pressure on her to tell him. Make sure she knows she can get an injunction out on him.

Best of luck and keep posting - you know we're all rooting for you.

ooohhh poor you. If you can ask the police to come and sit with you while you pack then fabulous. You'd have to work out the logistics of getting the car etc but it would mean you wouldn't have to worry about him coming back in the middle of you packing.

Or just act really calm and say great the weather is lovely off you go.
You have changed your passwords haven't you? And he wouldn't look on MN for you?

Just wishing you luck for tomorrow.

You are doing the right thing. If you leave it for long it will be harder for you to keep your plans to yourself, IMO.

Stay safe.

Please don't let any feelings of guilt de-rail you. If you find yourself feeling sorry for him, it is a misplaced thought, please turn it around and feel sorry for yourself.

This man rapes you in front of his child, he is not going to turn out to be a father worth having in your child's life.

Once you are out and had some space to learn how to spot and refuse abusive men, there is every chance you will find yourself with someone worthwhile who can be a good step father to your DS.

the best known keylogger can be put on smart phones too, so do be careful.

Good luck today. Crossing fingers you and your DS get out safely

Hope you managed some sleep. Make sure you have your phone on you at all times and don't hesitate to call 999 if he comes back before you leave.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. By leaving him you are protecting your son and yourself. Hope you get to a safe place today.

I just want to say that u are definately doing the right thing by leaving and I hope u r ok today.

Good luck for today.

You are doing the best for you and DS.

Good luck! The police can be there to help you leave even if he's stayed home or you think he'll be back early. But if it comes to it you can just walk out the door with DS and take it from there.

Good luck for today xx

woke up and wanted to wish you best of luck for today, we're all thinking about you. Tell us when you're safe xxx

good luck for today xxx

Another one sending good luck your way x