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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this bad and should I leave?

226 replies

isitasbadasithink · 27/05/2012 18:13

Hi I am hoping one of you lovely ladies can help with a dilemma I am having.

I have been with my dp for 5 years and have a 10 month old ds. The relationship isn't that great, he is pretty lazy and can be verbally abusive sone of the time (by which I mean telling me to fuck off or calling me a cunt etc). On top of that he has always had a higher sex drive than me and I have often given in to having sex with him at least 3 times a week to keep the peace ( he sulks or calls me frigid if I don't). I know just reading that back how bad that sounds by the way :-(.

This afternoon due to the fact I have been wearing a bikini he has kept groping me and telling me he can't wait to get me alone. When I was in the bedroom I agreed to sex to kind of get it over and done with and to avoid an argument. During the act it started really hurting as it often does and I told him to stop. He told me he was to close to finishing and continued with me struggling for about 20 seconds or so. When it was over he said he was angry at me for making it look like he was the bad person for continuing and stormed out of the room.

I feel numb and maybe I am over reacting. It probably was hard for him to stop but why do I feel so violated? Does anyone have any advice on what I should do now? I would be ever so grateful.

OP posts:
isitasbadasithink · 28/05/2012 08:36

Thank you for all your kind words. Didn't manage to get much sleep last night what with feeling sick and ds getting up numerous times (could feel my anxiousness maybe). He is still in bed which is nothing unusual. I have managed to get mine and ds's morning routine completed and now it is just a waiting game.

OP posts:
InstructionsToTheDouble · 28/05/2012 08:40

This reply has been deleted

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Rollersara · 28/05/2012 08:48

Hope it all goes smoothly today (as much as possible in the circumstances...)

Longdistance · 28/05/2012 08:48

Good Luck with it, and keep us posted x

sadlovedgirl · 28/05/2012 08:51

I'm another one who woke up this morning thinking about you and your DS.

Keep well and stay strong my lovely.

beginnersluck · 28/05/2012 08:52

Good luck, take care - just wanted you to know how many of us are thinking of you today!

WillowWhispers · 28/05/2012 08:53

OP I have PM'd you.

fergoose · 28/05/2012 08:55

Thinking of you today - I am in Devon if there is anything I can help you with. x

EightiesChick · 28/05/2012 08:58

Good luck OP

glastocat · 28/05/2012 08:58

Good luck for today, this will be the bestthing you can ever do for your little boy, and I say that as someone who's mum left her dad with her, sneaking out one evening when he was out. Thankk god she did, both of our lives would have been wrecked had she stayed.Stay strong, you can do this.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 28/05/2012 09:03

Good luck op, ive just read your story and wanted to wish you well for today.

Threelittleducks · 28/05/2012 09:12

Good luck. Hope everything goes ok today. You are absolutely doing the right thing.

Leverette · 28/05/2012 09:49

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Lexiesgirl · 28/05/2012 09:58

I just wanted to wish you well for today. You are being so brave. Stay strong.

SoozyWoozy · 28/05/2012 10:02

Another good luck wish... stay strong.

dondon33 · 28/05/2012 10:13

Good luck to you OP xxx

Adversecamber · 28/05/2012 10:19

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deste · 28/05/2012 10:39

Reading this made me feel sick. My DH and I went to the Middle East a few years ago and were in a hotel room. Next door the couple were having a conversation, they sounded friendly and she sounded confident. We did not know what they were saying of course. They went to bed and he started to abuse her, I imagine sexually and she ended up squealing and crying out. When he stopped she was crying and he said nothing. The point I am making is that she probably did not have a choice about staying with him but you do. It was the worst thing I have had to listen to. I just didnt know what to do. I still think about it now and wonder if she is still tolerating him, I sometimes think she could be dead.

BellaOfTheBalls · 28/05/2012 10:51

Just wanted to add my support. Depending on where in Devon you are I'm in Somerset should you need a RL listening ear.

GOOD LUCK!

mcmooncup · 28/05/2012 10:56

Sending you all the very best of luck today Smile

This man is disgusting. You and your DS can have such a better life.

I've been there, and the peace you can get from now on (not immediately) is something you never knew was possible. My heart skips a beat everyday knowing I don't have to navigate that man. And your DS will reward you forever by not turning out himself into an abusive shit.

Lottapianos · 28/05/2012 11:02

OP, I left a controlling abusive man about 8 years ago. I sometimes still get a thrill when i realise that I can come and go as I please, wear what I want, talk to whoever I want without anyone breathing down my neck or threatening to murder me. Life is about to get better for you too.

Your plan is a good one - get out, get your DS out and then contact Women's Aid. It sounds like you have reached the point of no return, where nothing could make you stay with this man. You're taking a wonderful step to happiness for you and DS and I hope you feel proud of yourself today. I will be thinking of you and hope everything goes smoothly Smile

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 28/05/2012 11:05

Good good luck to you, IsIt.

We are all thinking of you and your little boy, making your way (hopefully) to a safe and wonderful new life without anyone in it who wants to make you miserable.

Shizzy · 28/05/2012 11:06

Good luck. X

isitasbadasithink · 28/05/2012 11:46

Well he is still here. He hasn't mentioned work yet and I can barely talk to him without feeling sick so I have stayed out of his way to the best of my abilities. He does however got to do a huge service for work before thursday which will take him all of the day so maybe it is worth waiting it out until then so I can hire a van? I know there are more important things than belongings but some larger items I would have to leave behind are very sentimental. If he does leave for work today I will just take the opportunIty to grab what I can and just go.

I guess I am a bit of a wimp as I hate confrontation and the thought of calling the police and having him there aware of what is happening breaks me out in a sweat. Actually the thought of him knowing I am leaving feels like it would be a very bad idea. I don't know what he would do but I know now what he is capable of.

OP posts:
deepfriedcupcake · 28/05/2012 11:57

There are much more important things than belongings! You and DS!

You don't even have to pack a bag, if you're scared you can just slip your car keys into your pocket, pick up DS and head out. Everything else can be replaced.

Don't let sentimental stuff keep you there. Even practical stuff like nappies and clothes are one supermarket trip away.